Kurogami – POV
There are moments in life when you realize you've made a mistake.
And then there are moments when someone else makes a mistake, but you're the one who suffers for it.
This? This was definitely the second one.
Because my mom—my beautiful, terrifying, fire-loving mother—just looked the three Legendary Sannin in the eye and called them:
"A perverted toad."
"A creepy snake."
"A drunk cow… cough, I mean slug."
…
Now, all three of them were staring at her like she'd insulted the First Hokage's corpse.
Jiraiya blinked, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well… you haven't changed a bit, Reika."
Orochimaru tilted his head with that creepy snake-like calm. "Still sharp-tongued. I suppose hell hasn't frozen over."
Tsunade cracked her knuckles, and I swear thunder boomed behind her. "I've missed you, Reika. Especially the part where I get to beat your loudmouth ass."
Mom crossed her arms and smiled like she was declaring war.
"Oh please. The only thing drunk around here is your fighting sense. You gonna throw hands, or just throw up, Slug Princess?"
Tsunade twitched so hard, the ground cracked beneath her heel.
Mikoto, who had clearly lived through one too many of my mother's episodes, calmly shoved me behind a nearby fruit cart and crouched beside me like we were in a war zone.
"Cover. Now."
"Uh… are they going to fight?" I asked.
Mikoto didn't even blink. "No. Your mom and Tsunade are playing a game of homicide. And neither of them cares who gets caught in the blast."
Reika – POV
Oh, I saw it in her eyes. Tsunade was seconds away from going feral.
Perfect.
What better way to cap off a lovely shopping day with my little Kuro and my baby sister than a brawl with the Slug Cow herself?
I cracked my neck. Loudly.
"Well? What's it gonna be, Cownade?"
Her left eye twitched violently.
Jiraiya, the fool, stepped between us like a peacekeeper in a lion pit. "Ladies, please. Let's not destroy the village. Orphans need roofs."
Tsunade growled. "Move, Jiraiya."
"We're in public. There are children around—"
"I AM the child around!" Kuro shouted from behind the cart.
Tsunade glanced his way, and I could see the guilt flicker across her face.
Then my boy smiled sweetly and said—
"Hi! You're the cow lady, right?"
Oh, gods bless him.
Silence.
Tsunade froze. Jiraiya choked on his own spit. Orochimaru started laughing. That weird, hollow snake laugh that sounded like ancient bones cracking.
"Oh… he really is your son," Orochimaru muttered.
Kurogami – POV
Yes. I knew exactly what I was doing.
It was a scientific experiment. Testing the effects of calling Tsunade a "cow lady" in broad daylight.
Result? Tsunade's chakra spiked so hard my fillings vibrated.
She stormed toward me, fury burning in her eyes.
"Who taught you that!?"
I pointed straight at Mom. "She did."
Betrayal.
Mom crossed her arms and casually said, "He's lying. I only told him to say that privately. Kuro, how dare you!"
Jiraiya was crying from laughter. Orochimaru was wiping away invisible tears.
"The family dysfunction runs deep," Orochimaru muttered again.
Tsunade knelt in front of me, trembling with restrained rage. "You've got guts, kid. I'll give you that."
Thanks, cow lady! I get them from my mom. And maybe my dad. But probably Mom.
She twitched again.
"Definitely your mother," she muttered. "Your father was polite. Gentle. A stabilizing force towards your mom chaos."
Man… I really wanted to ask more. But Mom was right here, and she had her sights on me like a hawk.
"Well, Dad's not around," I shrugged. "So I gotta step up!"
Mom beamed like I'd just set fire to a nation in her name.
But the Sannin reaction towards my mom smiling like that said it all
Tsunade looked like she saw her grand uncle jump from the grave screaming "Uchiha!"
"Well dam being a mom really changes you."
Jiraiya pulled out a notebook. "Reika, how did motherhood change you? Asking for… research."
Orochimaru, however, seemed to take it with stride, but kept staring at me a little too long. I felt like prey.
Mom gave Jiraiya a flat look. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because," Jiraiya said proudly, "a fierce kunoichi turning into a buxom mama bear is peak inspiration!"
…
"Write one word about me," Mom said, eyes narrowing, "and I'll burn off your hair. And your 'sword'."
Jiraiya turned pale. "Understood!"
Mom decided to stop fighting after Jirayia comment and looks me and Mikoto.
"I'm not interested in fighting anymore. Let go Kuro and Mikoto"
Mikoto taking a deep breath. "Thank god. I was afraid the shopping district would turn into a crater"
Me being slightly disappointed there wasn't a brawl simply nodded my head and followed along.
As we turned to leave, Tsunade stepped forward.
"Hold it! I don't care what you said about them! But you're not walking away this time, Reika I'll have my revenge from last time!"
I looked at Mikoto. "What happened last time?"
She shook her head. "I don't know."
Mom? Oh, she was smiling like she was reliving a honeymoon with violence.
"You sure, Cownade? Last time ended in your total humiliation. You really want a repeat?"
Jiraiya blinked. "Wait—you won? Not the 25th tie this time?"
Orochimaru added, "Did you finally use that forbidden justu, Imperial Lightning Strike?"
Mom smirked. "No. I used a new genjutsu. One my hubby and I created."
"If you say what happened—!" Tsunade roared, chakra flaring like a sun.
Mom tilted her head. "I won't say it…"
Her eyes glowed red with her three tomes spinning.
"…I'll show it."
What Happened Next Should Be a Crime
Tsunade, the Sannin, the Slug Princess, the granddaughter of the first hokage—
Dropped to all fours.
One hand clutched her chest pretending to milk herself.
"Moooo!"
She mooed.
In public.
{Image here}:
With civilians watching.
I looked around. The reactions were glorious.
The civilians: Jaw-dropped. The men: Covering their crotches like their swords might unsheathe themselves from sheer shame.
The shinobi: Pale. Staring. Afraid. Blushing like someone had found their stash of Icha Icha under the bed.
Mikoto: Calm. Too calm. Like this was normal.
Orochimaru: Genuinely fascinated. I could see him planning an ocular extraction from the absurdity that my mom put Tsunade into a genjustu with just a three tomoe sharingan.
Jiraiya: Writing faster than humanly possible with his notebook covering his crotch like if he was chosen by the speed force itself.
And Mom? Laughing. Cackling.
"Today is glorious! Shopping with my baby, humiliating Cownade! Truly, the Sage smiles upon me!"
Orochimaru asked, "How long does it last?"
Jiraiya: "Long enough to grab a camera?"
Mom: "She's stronger now than last time—probably two minutes instead of ten. And no before you ask, it's exclusive. Only Kuro gets it."
She grabbed me and Mikoto. "Tell Tsunade our next duel is when Kuro joins the Academy. And that one will be public. The village needs to see whose the strongest kunoichi."
And then—body flicker. Gone.
Back at the Uchiha Compound
Peace lasted two seconds.
Then came the scream that all of Konoha could hear:
"REIKA! GET BACK HERE, YOU PYROMANIAC BITCH! I'LL RIP OUT YOUR EYES!"
Mom chuckled. "Ah, four minutes. I gave her too much credit."
She turned to the guards, who were visibly sweating.
"Be a dear. Keep her out. Lie, restrain her—whatever it takes. If she gets in, I'll have to burn down the compound if I get into fight with her."
"Y-Yes, Lady Reika!"
She nodded with satisfaction, then took my hand and Mikoto's, humming happily.
I looked at Mikoto. She looked like she'd found inner peace through sheer trauma.
"Sister Mikoto, are you okay?"
Mikoto – POV
This was not how I envisioned today shopping trip to end.
In ten minutes:
Reika provoked the Sannin.
Kuro called Tsunade a cow.
Orochimaru laughed in public.
Jiraiya asked to use a reference of my sister in his dirty novel.
And Reika finally beat Tsunade… with a genjutsu so humiliating it should be sealed in a vault covered with the best seals of the ninja world.
I needed a drink. Or twelve.
Still… Kuro. That boy had a magnetic energy and what my sister told about his dad is true than he will definitely be a powerhouse. If raised by anyone else, he'd become a pillar of Konoha and the clan. But raised by Reika?
He was going to set it all on fire—and people would cheer. I hope, no I pray positive traits from his father curb Reika influence.
I looked at his sweet little face and said, "Yeah, Kuro. Just… adjusting to your mom again."
Reika scoffed. "Adjust? I just put that cow in her place."
I sighed. "I'll head home. If the Hokage shows up demanding answers from Fugaku, someone has to explain why Tsunade screamed threats loud enough to wake the dead."
Reika waved me off. "Tell him I'll pay 300,000 Ryo in emotional damages."
"…Fine. Swing by tomorrow. Let go to Akimich barbecue place together ."
She grinned. "I'll bring rare wine from the Land of Lightning!"
I hugged Kuro. "Be good. And keep your mom from burning anything down tonight."
"I'll try!"
Reika grinned. "Mommy's got everything under control."
…That was the scariest thing I'd heard all day.
As I walked home, the stars twinkled above Konoha.
"I wonder if Fugaku's going to go gray… or bald."
Gods help me, I just want three kids before my sister drives him to an early grave.