Evander:
(THAT FUCKING EMPEROR!!! WHAT KIND OF WACKED-OUT LUNATIC ORDERS GENOCIDES AND DESTROYS PLANETS LIKE IT'S NOTHING!?)
"Wait... by the way... w-when you said you've nearly conquered the galaxy... how many people did we kill during those conquests?"
Alpha:
"Calculating. Please wait."
A brief pause. A heavy silence lingers in the air.
Alpha:
"Based on standard conquest protocols applied to 1,024,013 planetary systems, and assuming average population density... estimated casualties: 299,842,188,000,000 lives."
Evander:
"..."
(THREE. HUNDRED. TRILLION. PEOPLE!?)
Alpha:
"Would you like a visual graph, My Lord?"
Evander:
"NO! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS EMPIRE!?"
Alpha:
"Galactic compliance rates have risen to 98.7%, My Lord. Casualty efficiency is within acceptable parameters."
Evander:
(WHAT THE FUCK DOES 'CASUALTY EFFICIENCY' EVEN MEAN—!?)
"STOP! JUST... stop... So I killed three hundred trillion people..."
Evander's hands begin to tremble.
Alpha:
"DANGER! WARNING: MASTER'S HEART RATE APPROACHING CRITICAL LEVELS. BLOOD PRESSURE SPIKING! ENGAGING EMERGENCY MODE. INJECTING NEURO-STABILIZER!"
Evander:
"W-wait—what are you—"
PSSHT!
A small needle fires out from Alpha's chest. Evander slumps into the throne like a ragdoll.
Alpha:
"Master has entered critical rest mode. Rebooting cognitive functions in 5... 4... 3..."
A few hours later...
Evander:
"Ugh..."
(Still dizzy...)
Alpha:
"The master has awakened. Scanning vitals... All readings are normal."
Evander:
"What happened?..."
Alpha:
"Master's vitals reached critical thresholds, so emergency protocols were implemented. Following that, ten Warlord Motherships were dispatched to begin colonization. The 11th, 32nd, 22nd, 44th—"
Evander:
"Stop the colonization immediately!"
Evander grips the throne, struggling to stay upright as he glares at Alpha.
Evander:
"I... I won't let you take another million lives... I'll do this... my own way!"
His hand slips, and Alpha catches him gently, lowering him back into the throne.
Alpha kneels before him.
Alpha:
"It is as you command, Emperor Evander Ashborn."
Evander:
"Good..."
Evander exhales, slowly relaxing into the throne.
Alpha (still kneeling):
"My Lord."
Evander:
"Yes?"
Alpha:
"I regret to inform you... Colony Ship Epsilon-9 has already landed on the target planet. Initial contact has been made. The inhabitants... are not pleased."
Evander:
"What?"
Alpha:
"Displaying visual feed now."
A massive hologram flickers to life. It shows a small village—wooden houses, tattered clothing, and people with long, pointed ears.
Suddenly, a group emerges from the village gate. Flames and lightning burst from their hands.
Alpha:
"Interesting..."
Evander:
(OOOH! THAT'S MAGIC! THAT'S—WAIT—ARE WE IN A FANTASY WORLD!? Is this real? Am I dreaming!?)
"That's magic..."
Alpha:
"Magic?"
Evander:
"Y-yeah. Fire from their hands, no tech involved... it has to be magic!"
Alpha (analyzing):
"Analyzing energy output... Gravitational fluctuation: none. Thermal spike: present. Electrical discharge: highly localized. Source... unknown."
Evander:
"...What does that mean?"
Alpha:
"Unknown energy type detected. No technological apparatus or energy conduits observed. No psionic implants. No circuitry. This violates multiple fundamental laws of physics."
Evander (grinning awkwardly):
"Yup. Sounds like magic."
Alpha:
"Magic is not a recognized scientific phenomenon. However..."
Alpha pauses. For the first time—it hesitates.
Alpha:
"...This planet's population appears to manipulate raw energy without the use of tools. If such an ability truly exists... then the Empire's energy doctrine is incomplete. Requesting permission to classify this ability as Energy-Class: Unknown Origin. Subtype: 'Magic,' pending further data."
Evander:
"O-oh... Sure. Yeah. Let's go with that."