The Duke couldn't sleep. The clock struck ten, and still he lay awake, tortured by restlessness. Ophelia was already in her chambers in the other wing of the manor. Nathan didn't want to trouble her, so he decided simply to walk. He dressed in his usual clothes, lit a candle, and began wandering through the corridors.
He paused longer than usual near the portraits of his father and mother, gazing at them with sorrow in his eyes.
The words he wished he could say rushed through his mind:
— "If there really is an afterlife, you must be even more disappointed in me now. You thought it could not possibly get any worse, didn't you?"
He let out a bitter laugh.
— "I always feel as though I do everything in my power. And yet — it is never enough. It was never enough. Why am I cursed to make so many mistakes?"
He moved on and entered the music room, where his mother used to play the piano. Now, however, this room brought him only thoughts of Alex. And tonight it felt unbearably empty. Nathan ran his hand across the piano, then stood silently staring out the window before leaving again.
— "I need a sleeping draught," he thought.
He made his way to the kitchen. Suddenly, he heard a sound outside and instinctively looked through the window. Someone was moving about in the stables.
What on earth…?
Nathan stepped closer, squinting into the rainy darkness. He saw a figure run out of the stables and head toward the house.
Impossible!
He could not tell who it was, but his hope flared so strongly that his mouth fell open. He ran for the entrance.
He pulled open the door and gasped.
Alex hadn't yet knocked and gasped back in equal surprise.
For a few seconds Nathan stood frozen. Then he realized: outside it was pouring, and Alex was completely drenched — and ill besides!
— "Please, quickly — come inside."
Alex obeyed, stepping into the hall.
— "You've lost your mind — out in this rain, while unwell! Take off that cloak at once. You must change your clothes immediately. Come, there's still a fire burning in there. Quickly!" Nathan was deeply concerned.
Alex followed, embarrassed. He didn't know what he wished to say. His heart pounded with fear, but also with joy — for they were together again. Even if Nathan's face was filled with deep worry, it was still Nathan's face.
He crouched by the fireplace, holding his hands out to the flames.
— "I'll be right back," Nathan said, then hurried away. Alex was astonished to see the Duke running.
What is happening to him?
Nathan returned with clothes from when the Young Lord had stayed overnight before.
— "I beg your pardon, I was in such a hurry I found nothing else. But they are clean and dry." He laid them on the sofa.
— "Call for me once you've changed… if you wish," he added, and left.
He's acting strangely.
Alex pulled on the dry trousers, then unbuttoned his soaked shirt. As he fastened the clean one, he remembered — it had once belonged to Nathan. That thought had once unsettled him; now it made him blush. The fabric seemed to embrace him like Nathan's own arms. He shook the thought away, finished dressing, and opened the door.
In the dim corridor, the Duke stood breathing quickly.
God, I don't know what to say to him. He looks as usual — perhaps that will help me find the right words. God, give me courage.
Panic clawed at him. Then the door opened.
— "Please, come in," said Alex.
The Duke entered. The Young Lord returned to the fire, sitting cross-legged as he warmed his hands.
— "Wait," said Nathan, taking a pillow from the sofa and handing it to him. "Don't catch a chill."
— "Thank you," Alex murmured.
Nathan longed to sit beside him but dared not. He wanted to keep his distance — to avoid overwhelming or frightening his guest.
— "How did you know I was ill?" Alex asked with a small smile, his hands spread toward the fire.
The Duke nearly panicked. He couldn't lie. Summoning his courage, he promised himself tonight he would speak only the truth.
— "Sam, my messenger, who delivered you the letter, saw a doctor going into your home. I was worried, so I asked Ophelia to inquire with him whether all was well in the Carlston household."
The name struck Alex like a blade. Lady Ophelia. Again. He fell silent, then managed to say:
— "I forgot to… congratulate you yesterday."
— "Congratulate me?"
— "On your engagement."
— "My what?"
Alex turned toward him, smiling faintly though his eyes were sad.
— "Mother told me today that you proposed to Lady Ophelia at the ball. I must have missed it. In any case — you make a beautiful couple. My congratulations." His voice did not tremble, but inside, his heart tore with pain.
Nathan was stunned.
We never announced any engagement — who spread it?
And then he realized: those lords, who had mistaken his answer as a declaration, must have spread it everywhere.
Curse them. And Alex — how must this look to him? First I kissed him, then the very next day news of a betrothal. Shit…
Terror seized him. His mouth opened, but no words came.
Alex saw his confusion, turned back to the fire, and said quietly:
— "It's true, then."
Nathan felt the floor tilt beneath him.
— "It is true. I am indeed to marry Lady Ophelia, because…"
Alex's breath caught.
Because what?
— "Please, listen to me," said Nathan, stepping closer. "May I sit?"
Alex nodded.
Nathan nearly sat down.
— "Wait," Alex interrupted.
Nathan froze.
Alex rose, picked up the pillow, and offered it to him.
A warmth spread through Nathan — not from the fire, but from Alex's gesture.
He is so kind…
— "I will tell you the truth," Nathan said. "I will try to be honest and open with you. I… I will trust you, because I believe it is necessary."
Alex's heart raced. He was afraid of what dreadful secret the Duke was about to confess to him.
Murder? Debts? Prison?
He listened in silence.
Nathan swallowed hard. His hands trembled, and he hid them from Alex's sight, ashamed. He didn't know where to begin, so he began at the start.
— "Ophelia and I have been friends since childhood. Our parents always intended us to marry…"
Alex's heart twinged, though he gave no sign.
— "…but we knew it would never happen."
Why?
— "We loved each other in another way. Never as husband and wife. We… always liked other people." Nathan faltered, terrified of exposing Ophelia's secret without her consent.
— "Years passed. I knew I did not want to marry — but as a Duke, the only son, I was expected to. My parents demanded it."
I know…
— "Then they both fell ill with consumption and died within months. I survived by miracle. I was lost, but at the same time… I know how this may sound, but I felt that if I ever married, it would no longer be for them — it would have to be for myself."
Alex studied him intently. Nathan went on:
— "When I was your age, I thought much as you do… No, forgive me." He gave a nervous laugh, covering his face. "Give me a moment to choose the words correctly."
Alex nodded silently, waiting.
— "When I was your age, I knew I did not wish to marry, as I've said. Instead, I spent my time… flirting, with people. And I enjoyed it. For years I lived like this. Then I longed to see the world, so I traveled. There were good times, but also… darker ones."
Alex grew tense.
— "My journey ended not of my choosing. I was… caught in what they deemed a crime, and I was forced to return to England."
Alex's heart plummeted.
A crime? Murder?
— "To be honest, it's not a crime under the law, at least in France." Nathan whispered, his voice trembling, unable to meet Alex's eyes. "That's why it's not the sort of thing you might expect. I myself do not see it as a crime at all. Yet I was compelled to come back. I had hoped to cross the Atlantic, to America. But instead I returned, and realized marriage might shield me from the consequences of my actions. And Ophelia offered her help. She felt no… passion for me either, and agreed not for the marriage's sake, but for mine."
His throat had gone dry; he coughed.
Alex leapt up, poured water, and brought it to him. Nathan drank and whispered, "Thank you," wiping his mouth.
— "What crime?" Alex asked, trembling.
Nathan's panic swelled. He feared Alex's disgust, feared losing him forever.
— "Perhaps you've heard rumors about me. Some are absurd inventions. Yet…"
— "Do you mean that you love men?" Alex said. He could scarcely believe the word left his lips. His voice was steady, but inside, terror shook him, his heart ready to burst.
Nathan's soul nearly collapsed. He had spoken it. He knew. But Alex's face showed no revulsion. The Duke was trapped. His hand trembled more openly now, and Alex noticed.
Pain struck him — Nathan was suffering just to tell him this. Instinctively, Alex placed his hand over the Duke's, watching him with worried eyes, silently begging for truth.
Nathan thought he might faint. But Alex's touch, without any hint of judgment, gave him the courage.
— "Yes," he breathed.
Alex's eyes widened. He squeezed Nathan's hand tighter.
So he does not love Lady Ophelia. He marries only to protect himself. I think I am beginning to understand. But then…
— "Wh-what do you think of me, then?" Alex asked, his voice trembling now.
Nathan's fear deepened, yet a weight lifted — Alex had not recoiled.
— "I think…" He laid his other hand over Alex's. "I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. Though I realized it much later." His gaze dropped. He felt like a boy, confessing love for the first time. His heart thundered, his hands shook, and he could not meet Alex's eyes. "I treasure our friendship so much… You need not worry. I will accept whatever you decide. I… I'm so sorry for last night, I lost my mind and—"
Alex stared at him in shock.
In love? Such beautiful words… In love… Am I in love, too?... 'Since the moment I saw you.' My God, for so long…
He blushed deeply, the words igniting a warmth like fire within him.
— "Please—wait," Alex said suddenly, barely furrowing his brows and raising a hand in a gesture urging Nathan to pause.
The Duke fell silent, terrified he had said too much.
— "Please wait, I don't understand…" Alex clutched his head. "I don't understand, or… maybe I do. Yesterday I tried to tell you — that I might also be… in love with you?" His eyes glistened.
Nathan was thunderstruck.
What did he just say?
— "Everything I said yesterday — it sounded as though I were in love with you, didn't it? If I want you to… kiss me, then surely that means I am in love with you, doesn't it?" His voice broke, and tears spilled down his cheeks.
It was too much. Nathan thought he would combust. He dropped to the floor beside Alex, cupped the back of his head, and pressed his lips against his. Not invading, only holding, trembling with the heat of Alex's salty tears. Then the Young Lord's lips parted instinctively. Nathan slipped deeper, carefully, slowly — and Alex answered, clutching his waist with a shaking hand.
But Alex lost balance and toppled from his sitting position. Nathan's hand saved his head from striking the floor. Both were startled, then Alex, tears still on his face, laughed. Nathan laughed too. Then he kissed his beloved again, but this time smiling. Alex wrapped his arms around him, and they lay together, kissing as if starved for one another.
Then the clock struck midnight. They broke apart.
— "God—I slipped out unnoticed. I must return before morning," Alex whispered.
— "It's late already. Perhaps the rain will ease by dawn. I'll prepare any chamber that suits you…"
— "The same one as before will do," Alex said with an awkward smile.
— "Very well," Nathan murmured, smiling too.
They rose and walked to their rooms. At their doors, they turned to each other. Alex drew Nathan close, laid his hand on his cheek, and kissed the other. Nathan flushed crimson.
— "Good night," Alex whispered with a smile.
— "G-good night," Nathan stammered.