— "If you're not ready to discuss this, stop me. I think… The thing is, after what happened at the ball, we had few opportunities to speak. To speak about us… May I take your hand?"
Nathan put aside the cards and extended his hands to Alex, placing them on the table, wishing to hold Alex's hands. The boy timidly reached out and listened in silence.
— "I wish to be honest with you. If you have questions, please ask. Even if you think them improper. I will not consider them so."
Alex truly had many questions. So many that he didn't know where to start. But how could he ask them? Did he even have the right?… Perhaps it was best to ask them gradually.
Out loud, he said, "Very well," and waited for the Duke to continue.
— "I am not very experienced in relationships."
Alex's eyes widened. He had never thought the Duke had had relationships before. Though he had mentioned travels and Paris…
— "We've known each other for almost three months. Usually by now, my… romances had already run their course. I… It seems I have yet to tell you of my past, should you wish to hear. I want to say that this has never happened to me before… I feel that… I wish our relationship would last longer than all my past ones combined. I want to be sincere with you, however difficult it may be. I think that's one mistake I made before. I will try to correct it to earn your trust and… love."
Alex's heart trembled.
To earn? My love?
It was strange to hear this. Many London ladies had surely tried to earn his favor this season. He had noticed but paid little mind, enjoying attention and admiring looks. He played the game — and seemed to be winning? But when the Duke declared his intention, Alex realized he had never truly considered the nature of love.
I am so deeply in love with him… I… I don't know where infatuation ends and love begins.
— "I don't understand…"
— "What exactly?"
It was strange and shameful for Alex to speak openly of his feelings, especially to Nathan. He feared being seen as a naive child and losing the Duke's favor. Yet Nathan's talk of honesty felt… right. Perhaps, with effort… Overcoming shame and fear, Alex said:
— "I feel I understand so little. I… I am afraid that if I tell you what I don't understand, I will offend you or you'll think I am inexperienced and not suitable for you…"
Nathan gently squeezed Alex's hands.
— "Alex… Do you know how old I am?"
Alex flushed. How embarrassing — after all the Duke had done with him, he didn't even know his age.
— "Perhaps… just over thirty?"
Nathan raised his eyes slightly and smiled.
So sweet. He hadn't even considered it.
— "All right. I am 32. I am indeed ten years older than you, and I would wish to do something about that, but I cannot. Yet, as a person dear to my heart once said, age distorts one because it intoxicates with experience. But it is only an illusion of experience. I agree. So, am I truly experienced enough to judge you from my own perch?" Nathan smiled.
Alex was stunned.
Nathan smirked slightly and continued, looking him in the eyes:
— "I cannot say exactly what might hurt my feelings and what won't. But I can promise to speak of it, and… I think I am so enchanted by you that I will not stay offended too long." Nathan smiled broadly, though inside everything was spinning. He couldn't believe he was saying such things. He recalled returning from his travels and finding himself in Ophelia's arms.
"Nathan… it is only natural to tire of fleeting pleasures. Are you saying… you're ready for something bigger?"
"I think I was ready long ago. But the older I grow, the more I fear… I may never truly reach it."
God…
He could not have imagined what awaited him next. Only a few months later, he would speak words full of love to that strange boy, as he thought of him then.
Nathan gently caressed Alex's hands in his.
The Young Lord could no longer bear that gaze. It was too much. Blushing deeply, he withdrew his hands to his lap. Only one response was possible. He whispered, barely audibly and timidly:
— "I'm… enchanted by you too…"
Nathan abruptly rose from his chair, leaned across the table, took Alex by the nape, and drew him close for a kiss. Then he pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against Alex's. When the Duke returned to his seat, Alex looked utterly stunned, his cheeks aflame.
— "I have another game for you."
Alex raised his eyes, curious despite himself.
— "The rules are simple. You may ask me any question, and I may ask you one in turn. If you feel uncomfortable answering, you may instead fulfill any wish of the questioner. Exciting enough for you?" Nathan asked, a sly smile tugging at his lips.
Any question!
Alex felt a surge of anxiety, but the offer was too tempting to refuse.
— "I agree."
— "You may start."
The Young Lord felt his stomach tighten. His mind swirled with countless questions, yet he couldn't start with something too personal. His curiosity about Nathan, however, was impossible to restrain, and so, without thinking, he blurted out:
— "What is your favorite color?"
Nathan raised an eyebrow.
Color? After all that could be asked, the boy chose this? Good heavens.
Nathan laughed, light and amused.
— "Forgive me, I wasn't expecting such a question. My favorite color… Honestly, I cannot say. Perhaps pastel blue. Or bright yellow like fresh wheat. Or white…" He grinned mischievously.
Alex nodded shyly, satisfied. Then he realized where the Duke might have drawn such a strange combination from…
— "You're teasing me again! Tell the truth!"
— "Not at all! I genuinely cannot name a single favorite. But the ones I listed please my eye. That is enough to call them favorites, don't you think?"
Damn, how can he speak like that?
— "Alright," Alex said, "your turn."
Nathan, seeing Alex needed to ease into the game, asked with a warm smile:
— "And which color do you like?"
— "I suppose blue or green…"
— "Very well," Nathan replied.
— "When is your birthday?" Alex asked.
— "December 26th."
Right after Christmas.
— "And yours?"
— "July 15th."
— "What?" Nathan felt a small sting. How had he never learned this before, when they already knew each other?
— "It's fine," Alex replied.
— "But I would have loved to congratulate you, perhaps give something special…"
— "You already did," Alex said, smiling.
— "What do you mean?"
— "My birthday was about a week after our first woodworking lesson. Nothing remarkable—my family exchanged small gifts and went about our day. And then, about a week later, you gave me Paganini's études… I was… very happy."
— "I see…" Nathan exhaled slightly, relieved.
— "Now it's my turn." What trivial yet important question could Alex ask? His gaze flicked to the Duke. "What happened to your lip?"
Inside Nathan, everything froze.
Alex noticed the sudden shift in expression; the silence that followed felt far too long for such an ordinary question.
— "A wish."
— "What?"
— "I choose a wish," Nathan said. He couldn't lie. He had just invited Alex to honesty.
I could say I bit it by accident… But would that satisfy him? Impossible.
Alex was genuinely curious, now more than ever, about what had happened to the lip that the Duke had "lost." Yes, Alex perceived this question as a victory and understood how to play the game for more enjoyment.
— "Very well, your choice. I want you to…" Alex's mind raced for something proper, yet not too embarrassing.
— "I want you to shout something out the window."
Nathan laughed outright.
— "What? That's your wish?"
— "Exactly."
— "And what should I shout?"
— "Anything you like."
— "Are you sure? I remind you, I am on my estate and could truly shout anything…"
Alex panicked.
— "Shout that you will never win at the races."
The Duke laughed, unrestrained.
— "Very well, very well."
He went to the window and shouted the phrase as if it were his daily routine. They laughed long and hard.
Returning to his seat, Nathan continued:
— "I see you've begun a naughty game. Perhaps it's time to move on to questions of a different nature." His smile was so sly that Alex shivered genuinely.
— "Have you ever been in love?"
Alex hesitated, his fear justified.
— "I don't think so…"
Nathan's shock was immediate.
How could the boy not have been in love once in twenty-two years? Impossible.
— "You don't think so?"
— "I don't know… A month ago, I would have said yes. I thought I was in love with the girls at the balls, but…" Alex's voice faltered, hard to breathe. "…when I realized… when I began to feel what I feel now, I understood the term 'in love' fits far better. Before… it was something else."
Nathan's chest tightened. It was intoxicating… and guilt-inducing.
I had taken not just his first kiss, but his first real feelings.
Accustomed to experienced partners, Nathan now realized Alex's innocence demanded special care and patience unlike anything he had practiced. Every word, every gesture required restraint and gentle intention.
— "Very well, your turn," Nathan said aloud.
— "How many lovers have you had before me?"
Damn. He went straight for the heart.
The question was too important to avoid — it was part of his story.
— "Depends what you mean by lovers… I suppose five or so…"
— "Five?" Alex asked, unable to hide his surprise.
— "Yes…" Nathan answered, a hint of shyness in his voice.
— "Forgive me… I just wasn't expecting that many," Alex murmured.
— "It's alright. Looking back, I realize I might have done things differently. But it happened as it did, and I can only accept it as fact."
— "Your turn," Alex said.
— "Why did you leave the estate so quickly after visiting me the first time, when you played the piano?"
Alex strained his memory, recalling the moment his eyes had fallen on a wedding ring. He sighed as he had to answer.
— "When I finished playing, I wandered the room. My eyes fell on a small box, and… I'm ashamed of it, but I looked inside. I saw a ring and realized it was meant for someone. And that unsettled me."
— "What do you mean?"
— "I remembered then that we are… rivals of sorts. Don't laugh — I truly thought so! But now… now I think it was something else."
— "What then?" Nathan asked with a smile.
— "Now it's my turn," Alex answered quickly.
— "Yes, of course."
— "Why have you never been with anyone longer than three months?"
The Duke sighed faintly.
— "There were many reasons. The longest lasted four months. After that, there was always some end. Either we got tired of each other, or it became too dangerous because of discovery. Sometimes married men suddenly remembered their conscience. Or it was simply time to move on. For nearly ten years, it was my way of life. I've only once known a couple who managed to remain together through the years."
Alex's heart ached. Jealousy pricked him at the thought of so many others before him, but stronger still was sorrow. The way Nathan spoke — so calm, so resigned — sounded unbearably lonely.
— "I'm very sorry."
— "Why?"
— "Because… maybe I'm wrong, but… it feels as though there is so much loneliness in what you say."
— "That is true," Nathan answered quietly.
— "My turn. Did you really feel ill every time we were apart?" he asked with a smile, anticipating the reply.
— "I… Perhaps not always ill. But I wasn't always ready to face my thoughts. To face you…"
— "That's alright. I understand. I only wished to be sure I wasn't the cause of your problems with health."
— "No, no, never… I regret what I said at the ball. At the time, I believed it, and wanted to blame you. But not anymore."
Nathan smiled softly.
— "Very well. Why did you leave France so abruptly? I mean, what really happened?"
The Duke was taken aback to realise that, in the past weeks, he had all but forgotten Louis. At first, he had remembered him with a pang of guilt, as though he had betrayed his affection. Yet now it was different — and the change brought a quiet ease to his heart.
— "My partner's wife caught us. She gave me an ultimatum: either leave by morning and never return, or she would spread rumors that would follow me to England. Unfortunately, by then I already had a reputation for eccentricity. I knew her seeds would take root. So I left the next morning."
— "That's… that's terrible. I'm so sorry…"
— "It's alright. It wasn't the first time. I am almost used to it," Nathan replied calmly.
A realization struck Alex.
This is what he meant when he said society's prejudices still hurt him.
Alex reached across the table, covering Nathan's hand with his own.
— "I hope… I don't know what awaits us, but… I hope I never cause you such pain."
— "Dear…" Nathan placed his hand atop Alex's. "As soon as I realized this was your first experience, I felt guilty. You could have a life without fear. Life with me… I fear it will not resemble the one your parents imagined. I don't yet know the life you truly want — I've learned not to presume — but I cannot promise it will be free of pain. How I wish I could… But I will do everything to protect you, and your family as well. I only ask you to be honest with me, so if ever I hurt you, you can tell me in time to set it right."
Nathan lifted Alex's hand to his lips and kissed it gently. Alex's breath caught.
He is so… wonderful.
— "Seems it's my turn now?" Nathan asked.
— "Yes."
— "What would you wish for most in the world right now?"
Alex knew the answer instantly. But to admit it aloud? Impossible.
— "I choose an action."
Nathan laughed.
— "Do you really wish for something so indecent? I never thought you would be…"
— "Don't tease me! Make your wish," Alex said quickly, blushing.
The Duke smirked.
— "I want you to do what you desire most in the world right now."
Alex's insides twisted. He was trapped. Nathan saw the panic flicker across his face. Suddenly Alex sprang from his chair so abruptly the table shook, scattering cards.
— "Forgive me!" he exclaimed, rushing to gather them.
Nathan crouched to help. When their hands met over the last card, Alex's courage surged. He placed his hand over the Duke's, closed his eyes, and kissed him — swift, trembling, afraid. Then he pulled back, took the card, and sat again, staring at the floor.
Nathan laughed warmly.
— "Are you sure that was what you wanted most?"
— "Yes, I'm sure!"
The Duke laughed again, then glanced at the clock. Half past eight.
Alex followed his gaze and remembered he had to leave.
— "Perhaps you'd like to stay?" the Duke asked softly.
— "I'm afraid my mother will worry. She already thinks it strange that I distract you from wedding preparations…"
Nathan stepped close and embraced him.
— "Then I shall visit you tomorrow and assure her I cannot do without your help."
— "Come at eleven," Alex said.
— "Very well."
Nathan kissed his forehead before letting him go.