I'm only a woman...
Only a woman.
I lay down in bed, paying attention to the noises coming from downstairs. By now, I knew V and his daily habits so well that I could perfectly visualize in my mind what he was doing, simply by closely listening to the sounds.
I recognized the tapping of his fingers on the kitchen's glass screen when he'd check his messages. I identified the swift squeak of the entrance's closet before he would slip on his jacket and work bag. I perfectly imagined him as he hesitated by the door, leaning into the stairs to see if any sign of being awake would come from my room.
I expected the quiet thump of his steps on the stairs, just like I predicted he'd check on me before leaving for work.
"Sade?" his soft voice whispered, creaking open my door.
Having anticipated it, I remained immobile, lying on my side, my eyes closed and my breathing slow.
When he closed the door and left, I opened my eyes again.
The Love Machina pod I had come in was still in my room. I looked at it for a long time, and for the first time, I wish I were a machina.
I wish I had been created with special programming and unique skills to love and be loved. A real Love Machina would have been able to show V how loved he truly was.
But I was only a woman.
A weak woman.
🌱
In the following days, I kept thinking of the oasis. The thoughts I had only proved to me how weak I was.
I was so weak... I considered leaving.
I wish V had never told me about that train leaving for the Free City of the West. Every single night after we went to the oasis, my subconscious kept bringing me back there. In my dreams, I waited at an abandoned train station, stepped onto an empty loop, and let it carry me far west.
Every time I was about to reach the final destination, I would wake up.
And every time, I was reminded of how weak I was.
What an impostor I was to believe I could help V when all I could think of was leaving now.
Everyone who enters my life is bound to leave at some point.
I hated myself for proving him right.
And yet, I knew leaving was impossible.
Whether it was in New Yuan City, the United Nations Belt, or the Free City of the West... I knew my debt would follow me.
I realized I was becoming greedy. I got used to the life of abundance I experienced in the City, and I realized I wanted even more now.
A few weeks ago, I didn't even know how much you could desire for yourself.
In my greed, my impostor feeling felt even worse.
A true Love Machina wouldn't even consider leaving. Of course, V wouldn't believe me when I told him he was loved... When everything was built on a lie, how could he think I was being genuine? I'll never be able to speak to him about my life, my earliest memories, or my work at the clinic.
I will never have the chance to let him know me better.
My mood was foul for the next few days. I hated myself for the thoughts going through my head. Feeling like the worst impostor, I loathed every time V showed me even the tiniest speck of affection.
Noticing my bad mood, he doubled his efforts to make me happy, which only made me feel even worse.
I had told him I couldn't take pictures of the books at the library, so he bought me more notebooks and transfer paper, as well as sketchbooks and beautiful colored pencils for me to copy anything I wanted.
He took me to the best pizza place in the City, and as I ate the most wonderful slice ever, all I tasted was the bitter feeling of wasting his precious time. He had told me his research would have to be concluded soon, and by deceiving him, I wasted both the funds and the little time he had left.
"Are you sure everything is alright?" he asked me many times that week.
"Yes," I lied once more, with a fake smile on my face. "Everything's alright."
Only because I had believed myself able to pretend I was a Love Machina.
🌱
When the day came for the next Machina Learning meeting, I couldn't wait. Not because I wanted to discuss this issue with the other Love Machinas. No, that would have been impossible since it would imply revealing my secret identity.
No, I wanted to speak with Calypso, our coordinator.
When I arrived at the tea house, a few women had already arrived. I observed them from afar, watching them chat and laugh together. They looked so perfect.
So lovable.
How could I have ever believed I could have the same kind of impact they did?
"Let's all congratulate Priya for her engagement!" Calypso announced with a wide smile as everyone clapped around the table. "Do you have a set date for your wedding already?"
Priya's beautiful brown eyes sparkled with much excitement as she went on and on about her wedding preparations. When our drinks arrived, most of the attention had turned to Annie, who was talking about the new life she was about to start once her contract finished.
"Your journey is so inspiring," Firinne said with a sigh. "I wish I could have the same one day..."
"It's all thanks to Mother," Annie spoke with humility about her owner's mother, the old lady she was taking care of. "Ever since she learned about her daughter's plans to keep me after she gets grace... It's as if her good health came back! She got busy making calls, and she even arranged for me a small apartment at Tian Al Medina station."
"How very fantastic!" Chaoxing beamed, her hands around her heart face. "I love their beauty center!"
Everyone was supportive of Annie's happy ending, and even Kira slipped a small "good luck" behind the big turtleneck, hiding half of her face. On my side of the bench, I frowned, not being able to resist my curiosity.
"Isn't your Mother scared to... get grace?" I asked.
After I had inquired about it, V had explained to me what giving grace was. Even though the City's medical field was the most technologically advanced worldwide, at times, there was nothing they could do against aging or diseases with no cure. In those cases, patients would be offered to receive grace, a process in which they could pass away in a planned, peaceful, and dignified way, without having to live through excruciating pain or a lethargic end of life.
"Mother told me she used to be scared...," Annie began to answer, "But now that she knows I'll be taken care of, she told me she feels finally at peace. She feels ready to go now... So, we're just spending as much time as we can together... Until the doctors tell us it's time for her to go."
She smiled, and I could see in her eyes all the love she bore for the old lady.
When Calypso ended the meeting, I got caught up chatting with the charming Firinne and missed being able to catch a moment to speak with her. Thankfully, I saw her slip inside the tea house's bathrooms and waited right outside, rehearsing what I wanted to tell her about.
But when the door opened, it wasn't the tidy blond bun that left the restrooms, but a long-haired, wild redhead.
She saw me, blinked fast, and walked away.
"Kira!" I called for her.
The strange stare she gave me immediately transported me back to that evening, at Malik's dinner party. What was Kira doing up the stairs of his house? Who was that woman in the black dress who appeared out of nowhere, seeming to flee an incriminating scene?
The same kind of scene I thought I had seen at Chaoxing's house.
"What do you want?" she asked in an unfriendly tone, not even turning around completely to greet me.
I never knew on which feet to dance with this girl. Sometimes, she was open enough to the point of intriguing me and making me curious to know her better... Other times, she sounded so hostile that it felt best to ignore her.
"What are you up to?" I cut straight to the chase, wanting to know what today's dance would be. "At Malik's house? And Chaoxing's?"
Her eyes widened, looking around us as if making sure no one had heard me.
"What's wrong with you?" I heard her hiss behind the big turtleneck.
She walked straight to me, grabbed my arm, and turned for both of us to face the wall of the bathrooms she had just left.
Her eyes traveled all around, as if looking for something.
The next second, she sniffed, opened her handbag, and looked for something in it.
"Did you hear the news?" she said in a normal voice now.
"What news?" I frowned, confused by her actions.
She opened a small pocket mirror in front of her face, her other hand already applying some lipstick.
"They might receive..." She used her ring finger to brush away a smudge from her upper lip. "...the components..." Two fingers traced under her bottom lip. "...soon."
The secret matter she spoke about required her to hide her moving lips. I imagined she knew about cameras around us, able to read lips, just like V had feared the cameras tracking suspicious movements in the atrium.
We were close enough to the bathroom wall that I realized there was a large drinking fountain by the entrance, with an uninterrupted flow, making enough noise to cover our conversation from potential mics.
"New machinas will be built soon," she confirmed my thoughts, "and we will be replaced, one by one," she spoke, playing with the hem of her sweater in front of her mouth.
I frowned again, looking at the ground. I wished I cared about this news. But the truth was, I had my own deadline to meet: V's upcoming meeting with the research committee. The lease he held on me would expire next week, and I had only that narrow window to make sure he got the help he deserved.
"Don't make this face," Kira nudged her elbow in my side. "Maybe you'll be first to leave," she added with a smile before waving goodbye.
She left, and I realized she had successfully managed to get herself out of a conversation she didn't want to have.
Before I could give it any more thought, Calypso pushed the bathroom door.
"Sade! How are you doing?" she smiled, looking chipper than usual. "You were very quiet in today's meeting..."
"Yes, about that, I wanted to talk about something... Important."
I made a face, and she must have understood I needed to speak about the secret we shared.
Just like Kira earlier, her eyes swept over the place, and she seemed to conclude this was indeed a safe spot, as she turned her back to the rest of the tea house. How come they all seemed so aware of the surveillance around us? I had no idea about any of it.
"What's wrong?"
"It's about my... mission," I began, my palms sweaty. "I am not sure anymore if I am the right person for it-"
Calypso shook her head with a smile already.
"You had this kind of worry at the beginning, too, remember? And you still managed to-"
"It's not the same," I interrupted in turn. "This time, I know what kind of machina I'm expected to be."
"What's the issue then?" she asked, frowning a little as she smoothed the side of her slick, low bun.
How could I explain it to her without mentioning V's secret? I simply couldn't. How to explain that V's research required the ultimate kind of love, the one that could prove every belief he had about himself was wrong?
We only had one week left, and he still didn't seem to fully accept that he was a human, an incredible human who could love and be loved.
"I can't explain everything... But my owner needs a machina. It cannot be a human, like me."
Calypso's eyes fluttered, seeming confused.
"Is he hurting you?"
"No! No, not at all," I immediately defended V, and I must have sounded sincere because my coordinator seemed relieved. "It's not that. It's just... It's hard to explain. But I know for a fact I am not the one who can help him."
The coordinator slipped her glasses out of her bag and pushed them on her nose. I already knew what it meant, as a glare appeared on the glass.
"That's contradicting the feedback we received. Your owner gives you five stars every day."
V rated me every day...?
I sighed, my fingers coming to rub on my temples. Of course, V would never complain about me. He was too certain about his limiting beliefs to want someone to challenge them.
But that was what he needed. I was sure of that. He needed a Love Machina, one that would challenge these beliefs, one that could make him understand who he really was.
Not me.
"I thought you were going to receive the new components soon?" I spoke, trying to find another way to convince my coordinator that I needed to be sent back.
Calypso looked flustered, clearly surprised I knew about this information.
"Who t-told you...? N-Never mind," she stuttered, her hand grasping at the collar of her white shirt. "So, you want to give up? What about your debt? Weren't you going to reimburse half of it with this mission? You know that this payment will be canceled if you do not fully complete your contract."
I was surprised she would know how much I'd be paid.
But indeed, she was right.
All week, as the idea of asking my coordinator to send me back and replace me with a skilled Love Machina began to take shape, I had tried to ignore what it meant.
Perhaps I even pretended I was selfish to even think of it. My dreams of leaving and taking that train proved how inconsiderate I was of V. I dreamed of proving that, indeed, everyone was bound to leave him after all.
But if I were truly selfish, would I choose a path that would drag me back to square one? Back to the clinic, with most of my debt still unpaid?
But I knew it was dangerous to think of it.
Because maybe I had realized something about myself. Something I was too scared and too ignorant to name in this moment.
Instead, my nails dug into my sweaty palms, trying once more to push the realization away.
"I know," I simply answered, my teeth clenched.
Calypso's piercing blue eyes narrowed on me, as if assessing the sudden anguish I exuded. She probably thought I was upset at the idea of losing my payment, but really, the heaviness I unexpectedly felt came from somewhere else.
The truth was, all week my thoughts had circled around one thing only: how this decision could help V. If he had a real Love Machina in his life, he might finally understand how lovable he was, and what it meant to truly love.
But now, standing so close to the finish line, I couldn't ignore the realization... I would miss him so much. My chest ached just thinking of it.
My fists clenched behind my back, and I stared at the ground, fighting to hold back the tempest of contradicting emotions rising inside me.
In front of me, my coordinator seemed to experience her own storm of feelings, her expressions jumping between fear, anger, and worry.
Why did she seem so concerned about this work issue?
But then, she tapped twice on the temple of her glasses, seeming to have made a decision.
"I believe your perfectionism is getting in the way," she spoke in a very professional tone, her hands reaching for mine. "Love Machina Inc. is very satisfied with your work, and so is your owner. And as proof of our commitment to you... How about we double your payment?"
She must have known the impact of her words, because her hands squeezed around mine, as if trying to breathe life back into them.
My fingers went cold. My mouth fell open. My whole body locked in place, as every drop of blood drained from my face. My head spun. Everything beyond the coordinator blurred into a wash of color.
Doubling my payment?
Soon, I could be debt-free.
Doubling!
Soon, I could own my life.
I was glad Calypso kept hold of me. I felt so light-headed I might have floated away, high into the clouds.
Another squeeze of her hands grounded me back to earth.
"But only if you complete your contract until the end, of course."
She smiled, knowing very well she had won me over. I didn't even need to answer. My reaction was confirmation enough for her to know the case was closed.
"Oh!" her eyes widened as there was a sudden glare on her glasses. "It seemed we were right to trust your work..."
Her smile spread on her face.
"Your owner just bought another month of you."
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