Atid's gaze locked onto the two young men, his friend's voice fading into background noise.
"Atid... what are you staring at?" Rachawat tapped his friend's hand with chopsticks. Atid had turned completely sideways, leaving him talking to himself. Following his friend's line of sight, Rachawat spotted the two men. "Oh, I see... can't handle seeing handsome guys, just gawking away."
"No... I happen to know them."
"They're drop-dead gorgeous. Makes me want to turn gay," Rachawat grinned mischievously.
"But he's a notorious player. Never thought the Major would pull something like this..." Atid's eyes remained fixed, hardening with each passing second.
"Someone you know or an ex? Getting jealous? Go punch him then, I'll back you up." Rachawat spoke carelessly—if it came to actually fighting that mountain of muscle in uniform, he'd be nowhere to be found.
Atid watched Atikom take the young man's hand, offering comfort with a gentleness he'd never imagined possible. The police officer he'd known as nothing but trouble and provocation now played the role of devoted suitor to perfection.
The sharp-featured businessman turned toward the garden outside the window, sulking like a petulant child. He must know about Atikom pursuing Anupap.
"Hey, Atid, when are you going to stop staring so we can get back to business?"
Atid turned back, emotions churning.
"Give it up, my friend. But wait, when did you change your taste? Didn't know you were into the tough cop type."
"Are you insane? Who'd go for someone like that?"
"At first I thought you meant the guy in the black suit, since he seems like the bottom type. But seeing how he's giving the cop the cold shoulder, I figured you'd switched preferences."
"Ridiculous... how could you think that? I'm exactly the same as always." Atid's mind conjured unwanted images—himself naked, wrestling and grappling with that cocky young officer, mouths pressed together, hands exploring muscled flesh, then Tongrob spreading his legs and moving closer...
Atid shook his head violently, banishing the fantasy.
"This is crazy." The words slipped out as he mourned his lost composure.
Rachawat misunderstood, thinking Atid was insulting him. "How was I supposed to know? You've been staring daggers at that cop since he walked in."
"It's not like that. I don't like cops. Nobody likes cops. Playboy cops can go to hell." The more Rachawat teased, the more his temper flared.
One playboy had stolen the person he loved. Another kept disrupting his life. Ever since that day, Captain Tongrob had been relentlessly pursuing him. He'd taken to sneaking out of the office and speeding away. Yesterday he'd sworn he glimpsed Tongrob at the gym.
Cops. He hated cops... couldn't stand the sight of them...
Atikom, that playboy cop...
Anupap didn't like players. If Atikom couldn't change his ways, he wasn't worthy of Anupap. The only one worthy of Anupap was him—the one who'd remained faithful and constant.
Atikom didn't have only Anupap. This man couldn't abandon his playboy nature, claimed to love Anupap but still cheated.
A voice in Atid's head challenged him, comparing Atikom to himself.
'Cheating... you cheated on Anupap too.'
But what happened between him and Tongrob was just temporary intoxication. It didn't count...
Tongrob had taken advantage when he was too drunk to think straight. Technically, he hadn't surrendered to Tongrob because they were... mutual... doing things to each other.
Really? He'd been heavily intoxicated. Maybe Major Tongrob had been the only one doing anything, then had the nerve to call it just 'appetizers.'
Appetizers! What were Tongrob's appetizers—embracing, kissing, caressing, just using hands, or more...
And what were Tongrob's main courses? That shameless major wouldn't be satisfied with simple pleasures. He knew that opportunistic officer wouldn't stop here, clearly showing how much he wanted him, playing around or serious. Someone like that scheming cop would try his hardest to get what he wanted. Did he want the full-brown sex or what? Why couldn't he just speak plainly? why use words that created suspicion?
Atid tried to shake Tongrob's image from his mind. He'd promised to forget that night. Soon he would forget, but deep down, he remembered that tingling sensation.
"What do you say, Atid? Do your parents know about this?" Rachawat tapped his friend's hand with chopsticks again.
"Hey, stop hitting me with those chopsticks. How could I tell my parents about something so embarrassing? The family would fall apart."
"What's so embarrassing?" Rachawat frowned, confused. You've been spacing out this whole time. I'm not talking about love affairs or anything like that. I mean the business." Rachawat was getting frustrated—his friend kept drifting off.
Atid said his parents knew and approved, even offering to help with funding. Then the young man excused himself to the restroom. He needed a moment to calm down, unable to control his churning emotions.
***
Asanai walked straight to the restroom, weakness crashing over his spirit like waves against rocks. Tears began welling up, threatening to spill over.
Atikom had declared his love for Anupap. That stoic man had won Atikom's heart. He had stolen the heart of the person he loved.
He loved Atikom...
This very moment he was most certain of his love for Atikom, but it was the same moment he realized he might lose him forever.
The man who'd always been strong now stood crying in a restaurant bathroom over heartbreak, utterly pathetic.
No... he couldn't be this weak, even if disappointed now. Atikom wouldn't belong to Anupap forever. Someday they might break up, then he'd have his chance.
Or maybe Atikom was lying to him. Playboys were full of tricks.
Then why did he still love him? If Atikom accepted him, wouldn't he spend forever being jealous and suspicious?
Not necessarily. Players could reform, give up their ways...
But the day before he'd seen Anupap with Chavis, looking close. Should he tell Atikom, provoke his anger?
No, he couldn't do that. He'd become the villain in Atikom's eyes. He had no proof anyway.
The voices in Asanai's head argued back and forth. His usual confidence had deteriorated significantly. At work he never had to argue with himself like this. When his thoughts split into opposing sides, both would collaborate to overcome problems. But now, he truly couldn't control his own mind.
Why did love have such devastating power...
Asanai stood still, staring at his reflection. He saw a handsome young man in an expensive dark suit, eyes filled with pain, on the verge of despair.
The young man bowed his head, splashing cold water on his face, letting the coolness soothe the burning in his heart, washing the weakness from his eyes.
He'd been hiding in the restroom for a while now. Though he wanted to stay longer, he had to go back outside and face reality. He didn't want Atikom to see his weakness.
Even if the young officer wasn't his now, there was still tomorrow...
Yes... there was still tomorrow...
As long as he hadn't heard from Anupap's own lips that he loved Atikom, he wouldn't give up hope...
He had to ask Anupap directly!
Asanai looked at himself in the mirror once more, grabbing a handkerchief to dab his face. His determined look began returning. Then he noticed a handsome young man standing nearby, who'd been watching him since he'd washed his face.
Asanai tucked the handkerchief into his jacket pocket and turned to face the young man directly.
"Excuse me, have we met before? You seem like you want to talk."
"Uh... no, but I know the person sitting with you."
Asanai frowned. This boyish-looking young man knew Atikom. Another one of Atikom's conquests? How many others were there?
"The Detective…"
"Atikom..." Atid interrupted. "Major Atikom. Even though he just stole the person I love, within days he's here with you." The young man clenched his jaw, staring at Asanai through the mirror.
Asanai hadn't expected this...
"The person you love is Anupap?"
"Yes... P'Nu is the person I love. The Detective took him away, probably just as entertainment. He's a playboy—who knows how many months before he dumps him for someone new. I don't know what you are to him, but I wanted you to know he doesn't have just you." Atid's voice trembled. The grief that had built up over the past days made him want to do things he'd never imagined.
"I'm nothing to P'Kom anymore. He just told me he loves Anupap." Asanai's voice broke, his eyes staring blankly at his reflection.
"Players can say anything. He loves P'Nu, but for how long? How sincere will he be?" Atid turned to look at Asanai directly.
"I lost again. I've loved P'Nu all along, for years. Then suddenly Major Atikom comes and ruins everything, just for temporary thrills." Atid was losing control.
"You're... I mean..." Asanai studied the young man, sensing deep down this was the man who'd called Anupap and made Atikom jealous during their trip back from Kanchanaburi.
"Atid."
"I'm Asanai..."
The two heartbroken young men met each other's gaze, seeing the pain reflected in each other's eyes, both mourning the loves they'd lost.
"If Major Atikom disappeared from P'Nu's life, I might have a chance. P'Nu might notice me." Atid murmured.
Asanai's mind began working. The future was uncertain, a fact he'd always accepted. Atikom loved Anupap. Whether Anupap loved Atikom back, he wasn't sure. But from what he'd seen, someone as reserved as Anupap wouldn't be able to handle a playboy. Or if he could, he probably wouldn't want to...
If he knew the police officer was cheating, Anupap would surely break up with Atikom, even if they were together now, they could still break up...
Even if the Atimom wasn't mine now, there was still tomorrow...
Yes... there was still tomorrow...
Tomorrow was coming soon. Atid might be able to help me…
Asanai told himself: one last desperate breath, one more try. if Atikom and Anupap's love was truly solid, then maybe he'd finally give up.
If you don't try get what you want. If you don't fight for what you desire. What's the point of living?
***