Anupap slowly drove out of the company parking lot. Atid still stood in the rain, watching his car leave. The image of the usually cheerful, bright young man reflected in the rearview mirror was a different person entirely.
Though the mirror was blurred, Anupap felt he could clearly see the dim, pained look in Atid's eyes.
Atid... I don't feel much different myself. When I carried my bag walking out of Chavis's apartment that night with snow falling, the cold sharpened the pain.
He used to tell himself that time would heal heart wounds, but now, today, this moment—would time help Atid? Anupap wasn't so sure.
He'd once agreed with someone who said 'Love can soothe what love has burned.'
Because any wound that love had caused pain, that same love could heal that hurt.
Who would heal Atid's love wounds?
***
Atid drove aimlessly without destination. The road began emptying, houses becoming sparse on both sides. He'd entered the suburbs. Ahead was a bridge leading out of Bangkok toward the south.
The newly built bridge was extremely high as if shooting up into the sky, decorated with twinkling lights.
The rain was nearly stopping, leaving only light droplets.
The young man parked near the bridge's edge, alone on the roadside in the deep night.
Atid walked out to stand against the bridge railing, gazing pensively at the water below. He remembered when he, Anupap, Sombat, and Pojanee had driven to park on a bridge over the Chao Phraya River to watch New Year's fireworks. The water's surface reflected light in sparkling brilliance, like an artist taking an enormous brush to paint the water's surface beautifully.
Now he was alone. Others were sleeping in their warm bedrooms. This lonely night would end in just a few hours, but he still wanted to stand here, going nowhere.
The light rain mist made the empty road surface gleam like gold catching reflected light. The streetlights below near the bridge's base looked blurred as if under a fog curtain. He imagined seeing Anupap standing there, then he'd run down to him, hold hands walking along the river.
The young man closed his eyes, pretending he was warmly embracing Anupap, whispering words of love to each other, feeling the tight touch of the person he loved. But he knew well that when he opened his eyes, the image in his head would vanish completely.
What remained for him to see was the world of reality—the reality that he was alone, the reality that where he stood was so empty, the reality that his life was equally empty.
The reality that Anupap would never be his.
The reality that he was utterly alone.
***
Tongrob staggered up the stairs. Lucky his room was on the fifth floor, or it would have been worse. Today the elevator was broken. His place was a small seven-story apartment building with only one elevator, but it was quiet and shady. He'd lived here long and never thought of moving elsewhere.
Tonight he'd returned late as usual, having fun with young Oat all night. From this pub to that pub, drinking like water. After dropping the young man at his condo and enjoying themselves to satisfaction, he'd come home instead of stopping by Atikom's place, even though his dear friend lived near Oat's condo. The new advertising model who was about to star in a TV drama.
If he'd visited Atikom this late, he'd surely get a major lecture. Ever since his best friend started pursuing Anupap, he'd been left to roam the nights alone.
Handsome young men who passed through brought him temporary pleasure. When anyone started acting serious, he'd quickly distance himself.
The hallway lights above the stairs weren't very bright. His shoes struck the tile floor with echoing sounds. He climbed slowly, his head beginning to throb, feeling dizzy and barely able to control himself from drinking too much.
The night's silence, being alone at this time made him unable to stop thinking about Anupap and Atikom.
Anupap had changed Atikom. He'd once asked his friend if he would change if he met someone he truly loved.
Could he ever truly love someone? What was happiness from love like?
Tongrob continued thinking that if he pursued Anupap and became like Atikom, would he be happy? But even wanting to try that, his best buddy wouldn't allow it. Atikom was serious. This dear friend's punches were deadly.
The flirtatious cop opened his apartment door, reached to turn on the light, stood swaying as he looked at his own room. A bachelor's room without much furniture.
Oat had tidied it for him last week, but it was messy again the following week. Before, he'd thought playfully that someone else would clean it later, a little mess didn't matter.
Tongrob threw off his shirt and pants toward the basket by the door but missed. He shrugged and walked to collapse into his favorite lazy boy chair in front of the giant TV screen. He wanted to turn on the TV but changed his mind. He sat staring at the blank TV screen, mind drifting, not knowing what to do.
Nearly ten minutes passed. The young police officer looked down at his own body. Muscular chest, strong flat abs. The prominent part beneath his cotton underwear lay quiet and still.
He had fun every week. Person after person passed through and moved on. This moment Tongrob realized the fun he received didn't make him happy at all. Even with many people, but in the end, he felt alone.
***
Asnai stared at the phone after hanging up. Matthew, the handsome man he'd met at the car race, had talked with him for nearly half an hour. His eager voice still echoed in his head—so hopeful, so willing to please. Once, that eagerness would have been enough. A dinner, some conversation, maybe more. Simple, uncomplicated.
But Asnai didn't want to give anyone a chance.
Now the thought left him hollow. He'd made his choice: only Atikom mattered.
Asnai pulled out his drawer and stared at the pale pink envelope he had kept all those years. He opened it carefully.
The young Atikom. The new police second lieutenant in the picture gave a big, sensual smile—the only picture Asnai had taken of Atikom when they had spent their last night together before he left to study abroad. That smile could melt hearts easily. Atikom's charm was devastating. It had captured Asnai's heart for so long. He had to admit that Atikom had always held a spot in his heart.
And now, sitting in his spacious apartment, surrounded by luxury that felt increasingly meaningless, Asnai realized he was dying to connect the past with the present and the future.
The future he wanted with Atikom.
Asnai picked up his phone, staring at Atikom's name in his contacts. Since they'd returned from the advertisement shoot in Kanchanaburi a few months ago, Asnai could hardly reach him. Atikom had only returned his missed calls twice.
Doubt crept in. Was he chasing someone who didn't want to be caught?
Asnai shook that thought away.
He had let opportunities between them slip away—not just once, but several times.
Now he had to do something about it. Seriously.
'If phone calls just get "not available," I'd better confront him in person. See what Atikom will do.'
Asnai decided he needed to be more aggressive. Sitting and waiting for Atikom to pursue him might not work. Whatever would happen, he'd find out. At least he would have tried. Whatever the result would be was up to fate. His life couldn't be lonely anymore.
***