After work, Anupap walked to his car. He'd arrived late today, forcing him to park behind the company building. Dark clouds hung low and heavy in the sky, their black mass threatening rain. Wind began picking up strength.
Anupap stopped short. Atid stood beside his car, wind tousling his lengthening hair. As he approached, Anupap saw the young man's pale face, dark circles rimming his eyes like someone who hadn't slept all night. His narrow eyes were red and bloodshot.
"Atid..." Anupap murmured softly.
"P'Nu... I need to talk to you."
"It's going to rain." Anupap glanced up at the threatening sky.
"Just give me a moment. I need a little time." The young man paused, seeming to wrestle with his decision. "If I don't say this, it'll stay locked in my chest, tormenting me."
Anupap thought to himself: Atid. What is he about to say? Please don't let it be what I think it is.
Atikom and Chavis had already caused him enough inner turmoil.
Atid's mind churned in chaos, thoughts scattered beyond arrangement. He feared losing Anupap, feared never getting the chance to reveal his heart. His hope had been fading all along. Truthfully, he'd known for ages there was never any hope, even before Atikom appeared. Yet deep down, he'd continued consoling himself that maybe, just maybe, Anupap might have feelings for him.
Their workplace intimacy, their closeness, might make his 'P'Nu' look at him differently.
Even with Atikom pursuing Anupap so aggressively, he still wanted to try fighting for once.
But today Chavis had appeared. The way those two looked at each other—there was still a connection. That man could shake Anupap so deeply.
"P'Nu, all this time, haven't you liked me even a little? What's wrong with me..." Atid couldn't hold back anymore. His voice trembled, eyes pleading.
"..." Anupap was stunned. He hadn't expected Atid to be so direct. He didn't know how to respond.
"Who is that man? Is he very important to you? And me—don't I have any place in your heart at all?"
"Atid, don't ask me these things right now. Give me some time."
Atid began losing control. He was still so young, emotionally fragile.
"We've known each other for so long now, over a year. Am I still just someone who secretly loves you? P'Nu, I love you. I love you so much. Don't you like me even a little?" The young man wanted to use the word 'love,' but deep uncertainty forced him to use 'like' instead.
'Why doesn't he have the right to use the word love?'
Wind gusted stronger. Rain began sprinkling down. Atid stood motionless, eyes cast down at the car window, lips pressed tight, arms hanging by his sides, fists clenched.
"Atid, let's talk in the car, okay?"
"P'Nu, have some mercy on me..." the young man's voice was weak.
Anupap opened the car door. Atid hesitated but stepped inside and sat silently, staring ahead in troubled contemplation, confused.
Both sat in silence for a moment. Rain began pounding down. Lightning flashed and flickered, as if wanting to strike and torment Atid's heart even more.
"Atid, listen to me. We can't forbid our hearts, can we? We can't force them. Sometimes our hearts are beyond our control." Anupap tried to stay calm, to comfort the young man. He knew Atid was vulnerable right now. He himself wasn't much different, but being older, he could control himself better—at least for now.
"But I love you, only you. I've never been unfaithful, never looked at anyone else. I've been good to you all along. Why won't you love me back?" The young man's tears began welling as he shifted closer.
"But I don't have those feelings yet."
"When then? Will there ever be a day? I want an answer."
"How can you expect me to tell you that, Atid..." Anupap was at his wit's end. Atid wouldn't listen to anything.
"Are you saying this because of Major Atikom? Or because of that man—who is he? Why did he just appear for a moment and everything changed? The major himself has only been here a few months. I've been with you for years. Doesn't that mean anything?" Atid's voice shook, his red lips pressed into a tight line.
"Don't bring him into this."
"Why not? Why? P'Nu, tell me who you love. If you don't love those two men, why won't you love me?" Atid was becoming irrational.
For a moment, Anupap wanted to spite him by saying he loved Trin, to see what Atid would say.
Atid moved his hand to grasp Anupap's arm, wanting to pull him into an embrace. Anupap tried to pull his hand away, but the younger man wouldn't let go.
"Atid, do you want me to give you an answer right now? Do you want everything to change? Isn't what we have, this closeness, good enough? If things can't go the way you want, why force it? Don't make me decide right now. I'm not ready."
Anupap was equally confused. He was still in his own vulnerable period, no different from Atid. Last night's events had left him so shaken he could barely sleep. If not for Atikom, he might have...
Atikom. Why does he have to think of Atikom?
"P'Nu, don't talk to me like this," Atid lowered his head. Ultimately he was afraid Anupap would cut off their relationship—whatever kind of relationship it was. The young man began fearing that if Anupap didn't love him, he might not want to be close to him anymore.
But what's the difference? Being close is useless. Being near but not being able to hold him, not being able to love him—it's no different from being at opposite ends of the world.
"Atid, I want us to feel good about each other for a long time. Don't rush me..." Anupap didn't dare cut things off decisively. He still wanted to protect the young man's heart, even though deep down he wanted to say 'I love you like a younger brother.' But saying that right now might be too cruel for the young man. Last night's events had made Atid reckless and impatient. Letting time help Atid understand gradually might be better.
***