Atikom parked in front of the condo and turned to flash Anupap a warm smile—devoid of his usual teasing glint.
"Let me walk you up."
Anupap nodded slowly. The police major was surprised by how easily the man had agreed.
Atikom stepped out and searched for his new close contact. Singh, the condo's security guard, hurried over with a respectful bow.
"Good evening, Major."
Atikom raised his hand in acknowledgment and handed Singh the car keys. Anupap watched in disbelief.
"Since when did you become so close with P'Singh?"
"Since before I started picking you up for work." Atikom smiled, carefully masking his slip while forcing himself not to reveal anything more. Those probing eyes had once easily extracted answers from him during their time at the beach house.
The elevator rose in silence, their eyes meeting briefly.
Anupap's smile carried a trace of melancholy as he turned to watch the floor numbers. Atikom's gentle smile radiated concern and affection. He wanted to pull that figure beside him into an embrace, to offer comfort and security, to protect him from anyone who might cause him pain—to shield Anupap from that man getting too close.
Unable to embrace him, the policer officer shifted closer until their shoulders touched, transferring his warmth to the shaken man.
Atikom looked down with a tender smile. The other glanced up briefly, a faint smile playing at his lips before turning back to the door.
In those brief elevator moments, Anupap let his mind wander. He should push others away and spend time alone—people usually wanted solitude when hurting.
Alone to reflect and analyze... to search for reasons.
'But Atikom isn't just anyone. Why would I push him away?'
If he's not just anyone, then what is he to me?
'A lover, maybe... I don't know... I'm still not sure...'
Take some time alone to think it through properly.
'Having him beside me feels warm. Having someone close is better than being alone. What more is there to consider?'
Do you want him to stay?
Anupap fell into a trance, the voices in his head arguing again—confused, chaotic.
***
Atikom followed slowly behind Anupap, wishing time would freeze. He wanted that single minute from elevator to apartment door to stretch into hours. He found joy in watching Anupap from behind, in capturing every image of the man he loved and embedding it in memory.
Love? He loved Anupap! He was certain now—he loved Anupap.
This feeling had never existed before in the life of a fun-loving man like him.
Now he understood why Atid liked following behind Anupap.
The brief journey ended at the apartment door. Anupap fumbled for his keys while Atikom leaned his left shoulder against the wall, waiting to say goodnight.
The young man looked up thoughtfully, meeting the police officer's eyes.
"Thank you, Major, for being a friend."
Atikom's brow furrowed. Friend? No... that's not right. He didn't want to be just a friend.
"Khun Nu..." The officer's voice emerged as barely a whisper, his eyes pleading, breath catching.
Don't, Anupap. Don't make me just a friend. I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your lover.
"I mean... tonight you were like a friend who took me to the event and brought me home safely. Thank you."
Atikom smiled. Anupap hadn't really cut off his chances. Oh... his heart nearly stopped. If possible, he'd want to change that thank you into something else.
"You're welcome." Atikom replied with a wide grin, his eyes sparkling.
Atikom cleared his throat softly. "My throat's so dry."
Anupap smiled faintly, unlocked the door, and stepped inside. Atikom's gaze followed wistfully.
"Want to come in for a drink? If you're not sleepy yet, Major."
"Not sleepy at all. Wide awake, actually."
Atikom beamed until his eyes crinkled, heart pounding with joy as the dim surroundings seemed to brighten.
Anupap didn't want to be alone—in his vulnerable moment, he wanted someone's company to strengthen his resolve and keep him grounded, preventing his mind from scattering.
****
His apartment was simply decorated with light brown earth-tone walls. A large black fabric sofa sat in the center, beyond which lay a dark brown kitchen. A large island dominated the middle with a stove and sink embedded in the black granite countertop. Behind it, floor-to-ceiling windows stretched across the wall.
"Didn't you say you had no kitchen?" Atikom settled on a tall stool beside the island, looking up at the large stainless steel range hood. "This kitchen could feed dozens of people."
"I lied," the young man stated matter-of-factly.
"I knew it. You didn't want me coming over for dinner, right?"
Anupap didn't answer, walking to the large dark brown refrigerator that towered above him.
"What would you like to drink?"
"Coffee, please... black coffee, no milk."
"How about fresh orange juice instead? You said you weren't sleepy, and I haven't boiled water yet."
"There's a microwave," Atikom protested. "Put water in a cup and it'll boil in no time."
"I'm out of coffee."
"Are you trying to kick me out?" Atikom narrowed his eyes playfully, feigning a pout. "Heartless."
"No..." Anupap looked more refreshed than when he'd fled from that man at the hotel. "But if you really want coffee, I'll order Starbucks delivery. I heard they deliver now." He smiled teasingly. Trading banter with Atikom made him temporarily forget his troubles.
Anupap stood holding the orange juice pitcher and glasses by the refrigerator.
"Orange juice sounds perfect. I actually wanted something sweet and tangy anyway. Orange juice suits me best."
Atikom smiled charmingly, afraid he'd be denied a drink and promptly asked to leave. He couldn't help thinking playfully, Police Major Atikom... showing signs of becoming whipped.
Anupap approached and offered him a glass.
"I really am out of coffee, not just making excuses."
"Even if you were, I'd accept it." Atikom clasped the young man's hand, raising the orange juice to his lips.
"Delicious," he smiled, making exaggerated appreciative eyes at the person before him.
The beverage debate ended. Silence began to settle. Anupap stood still, eyes thoughtful.
Atikom made him feel so much better. Atikom's presence brought warmth, stability, safety. Anupap hadn't expected this cunning, teasing, mischievous, playful officer to be capable of such gentle courtesy.
Something made Anupap feel relaxed. His composure returned, his mind began clearing the blurred thoughts into sharper focus.
"Khun Nu... I know you don't want to talk right now, even though I'm dying to know what happened. I want to know who that man was, and he clearly means a lot to you," Atikom held his breath. "But I want you to remember me too. Remember how I feel about you."
"..."
Atikom paused, his grip on Anupap's hand tightening.
"Khun Nu... my past wasn't great either, but right now, I have only you. In the future, I still want only you."
Anupap stood motionless, looking down at the large, strong hand holding his. His heart was confused despite his outward calm.
Two young men in his life—past and present.
The one from his past wanted to be his present. This one in his present kept insisting on being his future.
He still couldn't completely erase the past from his heart, yet he wanted to move forward in life.
How could he be certain whether the future would be sweet or bitter, beautiful or cruel?
Atikom has never once said he loves me.
But what he's said many times sounds like declarations of love. Do I need to hear the actual word from his lips? Is it that important?
Chavis still says he loves me every day, multiple times a day.
What good did the word 'love' do? Nearly ten years... see what happened? An expensive lesson—don't you remember?
Because he loves me, that's why he says he loves me.
But if he loves me, why could he leave me?
He didn't leave. Even if he did, he still loves me with all his heart... always... never stopped loving.
Does Atikom love me?
And what about me. Do I love him? Do I still love Chavis, or do I love Atikom now? Who do I love? Do I love them both?
Who... who... who...
Anupap argued with himself, his head filled with echoing, incomprehensible sounds.
"Khun Nu." Atikom leaned in very close, his voice soft and deep near Anupap's ear.
Anupap looked up at the young officer. Those eyes gazed at him with tenderness, their sparkle revealing his heart's contents.
"Khun Nu... I love you. Let's be together. I don't want to wait anymore."
Atikom seized the opportunity, employing interrogation tactics on a suspect—using the moment when the other party was confused to strike straight to the heart, forcing a decision.
Anupap had decisions to make anyway. Who wouldn't deliberate?
Him or that other man—who would stay, who would go would soon be clear.
But tonight, he'd take advantage of Anupap's most vulnerable moment to offer his strength.
Call it cunning if you will—he'd been cunning his whole life. This time, let him use it for good.
Atikom moved closer to Anupap. The young man stood frozen and cold before Atikom as he remained half-sitting, half-standing on the tall stool, left leg bent against the island, foot resting on the chair's footrest, right leg slightly extended with his foot on the floor. Anupap stood directly in front, close enough for him to hear his breathing.
The police officer pulled that figure closer. Anupap didn't resist, yielding like a doll. Atikom embraced him tightly, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Hot lips pressed against the firm flesh of the Anupap's throat, his prominent nose inhaling the smooth cheek with longing.
Electric currents ran from his lips deep into his chest, through his firm abdomen to his thighs. His body trembled with desire until he could barely control himself. His abs contracted, those muscles twitching softly as if seared by fire. His strong legs weakened until he nearly collapsed to the floor.
Atikom didn't know Anupap felt the same. Those burning lips made the young man's cold body feel consumed by spreading flames, weakness forcing him to grip the strong arms embracing him for support.
Multiple images in his thoughts began to fade. Emptiness replaced them. Anupap closed his eyes, feeling as if the surrounding air lifted him upward.
Silent and still—time suspended—the only sound was two hearts beating in unison.
***