"Enough, Vis."
Chavis didn't care, his feelings overflowing. "Even after returning to Thailand, clearing things up, I went back again in spring. I went looking for you, searched everywhere we used to go, but I couldn't find even your shadow..."
Anupap quickened his pace, almost reaching the exit door. Chavis continued following, refusing to keep his distance.
Anupap had once thought he'd overcome the past, thought he was strong enough not to feel anything about the pain from his first and only love, had casually thought that if he met Chavis again, he would stand and smile in greeting as if nothing had ever happened.
But he was wrong...
Emotions, feelings... didn't go as he'd expected. Just seeing Chavis's face, every past scene that had once faded was projected like a movie, flowing out at a speed his eyes could barely follow.
"I never forgot you… For years I searched for you until I was discouraged. I asked every friend but no one would tell me. Do you hate and despise me so much. Did I do something so wrong that you can't forgive me. Nu... Nu..." Chavis followed closely behind, rambling in his way, tilting his head, trying to speak near Anupap's left ear—the ear he used to playfully nibble and whisper into, So soft.
Anupap's eyes began to redden. He reached the elevator and punched the open button hard.
The elevator opened immediately. He stepped inside and stood, turned to face his former lover.
"Don't follow me," Anupap said firmly. Chavis hesitated, stopped and stood looking at him with reproachful eyes.
The elevator door closed. Anupap leaned against the cold glass wall, tilted his head back to look at the small golden light, trying to swallow the hard lump stuck in his throat.
He hated himself. He didn't think he could be this weak.
Is this what they call shock... Anupap... why are you so weak?
Reaching the ground floor, he walked straight to the hotel's exit, fearing that Chavis might change his mind and follow him down.
If Chavis keeps pestering him, keeps saying he loves him, wants him back, how would he answer?
Anupap felt the best thing now was to retreat first. He needed space and time, then think about what to do.
For a moment, he heard a familiar voice... a voice that was lingering nearby. It had been a long time.
"Nu... wait... Nu," Chavis hurried after him. He looked fuller than before, that tall figure looked different from the young man in the past: fair face, hair to the nape of his neck, always smiling broadly, fresh and cheerful, and liked to tease him into laughter.
Anupap quickened his pace, heading straight for the long ramp in front of the hotel that stretched down to the wide courtyard by the road. He saw a tall, large man standing with his back turned not far away, talking on the phone.
Chavis was getting closer, calling out continuously, "Nu... talk to Vis first... don't leave yet... Nu... Nu."
That man turned sharply toward the source of the voice.
"Major," Anupap exclaimed softly.
Atikom looked at Chavis walking straight toward them, about to reach out and grab Anupap's arm. He took a few long strides to reach Anupap, positioned himself as a barrier, his eyes challenging. Chavis stopped short.
"Khun Nu, what's the matter?" Atikom's voice was stern, his face tense.
"Step back. I have something to discuss with Nu," Chavis stepped closer. Atikom raised his arm to push against his chest. Anupap quickly grabbed the Atikom's other arm, pulling him away. He was afraid Atikom would become violent like when chasing criminals. Chavis might get hurt.
"Major... don't... let's just walk away," Anupa gripped Atikom's arm tightly. He agreed, but his eyes still glared at Chavis menacingly. Something told him this bland-faced man might be the one who caused Anupap to build walls blocking everyone out, including him. His suspicions multiplied. What happened? Why was Anupap hurrying away like that, in this state?
'Vis' - who was that? Where did he come from? Why had he never been bothered by anything before? They seemed so intimate, even using nicknames as if they were pronouns—'Nu... talk to Vis first.'
...
Atid stood at the hotel lobby door watching that scene with a painful heart. He had followed that man at a distance when he saw the Panoview owner change his mind and press the elevator to follow Anupap down.
The scene he saw not far ahead—that man was about to reach out and grab the arm of the man he loved. Major Atikom quickly stepped in to block him, showing protective gesturesm, and then Anupap gripped his arm tightly...
Atid pressed his lips into a straight line until it hurt. Anupap was slipping away from him. The hope that had started dimming since Atikom interfered was now beginning to fade completely. He couldn't help but wonder if he had been standing there instead of Major Atikom, would Anupap have grabbed his arm?
Before this, it had been just him and Anupap, P'Bud, Pojanee, and Mark as a close group. Even though Anupap didn't show that he liked him, he still got to be close, got to talk, got to spend time together. His world was bright. He had small happiness that satisfied him. Suddenly these two men appeared, about to steal Anupap away from him...
...
Anupap silently followed Atikom to the car. He didn't ask anything at all. He wanted to give Anupap time to be quiet with himself for a while, then he would inquire. If he didn't get some answers tonight, he probably wouldn't be able to go home and sleep.
Anupap sat quietly the entire way until finally Atikom couldn't stand it.
"Khun Nu... what happened? Tell me about it. Don't just sit there silently."
Anupap sighed, turned to look at Atikom slowly. Those sad eyes looked calm and peaceful.
"When I'm ready, I'll tell you, okay?" Anupap's voice was soft, looking down at his own hands clasped on his lap. "Right now... I don't know what to say..."
"Yes," Atikom replied briefly, not wanting to disturb. He reached over to take the young man's hand and squeeze it gently.
"Khun Nu... don't think of me as someone else."
Anupap tilted his head back against the seat. His eyes drifted far away, starting to pull his consciousness back to himself.
Two men: past and present. What about the future? who would be the future?