I blinked once or twice before rolling off the black leather couch in Maria's garage shed. The gut wound still stung, but I could manage now. After standing up and cracking my neck and knuckles I picked up the documents from the table right next to me. Plans of the office building, as detailed as I could remember them. To engage in any actually meaningful planning I would have to get the actual blueprints, sadly, but that would be a problem for the future. I stood up, stretched my arms above my head and let out a heavy sigh. As quickly as I could I made my way into her house and made two cups of coffee. There was something very nostalgic about her very ordinary suburban-style home. The open spaces, the kitchen isle, the quality tupperware, the wooden stairs and the colour-coded couches and armchairs. She lived in an actual home. I reached for the black coffee machine and made the drink quickly, adding a bit of milk into one of the cups to make it just how Maria wanted it.
After going back to the garage shed and putting the cups on coasters on the table I reached for the pack of cigs and the lighter in my pocket and lit one of the little cancer rods up. I took a deep breath, kept the smoke in the lungs for a few seconds, and then let it all out. I took another puff of it, and another. Repeated that in silence while staring at the wall with nothing on my mind for a minute or so, maybe longer. Then the car could be heard rolling into the driveway and the garage door opening to let the vehicle inside. After a swig of the tar-black liquid in my cup I stood up, walked over and swung the white door aside to enter the garage from the shed. Maria stepped out of her car, now in the turtleneck she would wear underneath her armour, and carefully hugged me, and though she didn't think I noticed she crinkled her nose at the smell of me. Likely the cigarettes' fault. She took a step back, her hands remaining on my shoulders and gave me a concerned look.
"How is the wound?"
I shrugged.
"It's fine. Still stings a little, but I can practically move like normal."
"Good. I have the groceries in the trunk, then, if you wanna help me carry 'em."
I shrugged again, this time more affirmatively.
"Sure."
She opened the trunk and handed me a heavy, brown paper bag filled to the brim.
"Why all of these groceries?" I said, looking over her shoulder at the five additional bags of groceries that were similarly stuffed.
"I've finally gotten word from all my contacts. Only two are positive, sadly, but that's the minimum we expected and agreed upon, so it should be fine. Thing is, we will have to carry out all the planning in the desert from here on out."
"Why?"
"First and foremost, one of the people who were positive lives there and he hates the city, but it would also be easier to hide what we're doing from any watchful eyes if we operate outside city perimetres."
"Good, then. Will the other guy be there too?"
"Yup. He's transferring his equipment as we speak."
"When are we leaving, then?"
"As soon as we've had lunch. It's a bit of a drive there."
"Good."
She then pointed to the bag I was carrying.
"Lunch is in there. I'll sort through it, and when I've picked it out you can take the rest back to the car."
"Yeah, got it." I said and started walking out of the garage, across the little path and into the main house again.
I put the paper bag on the kitchen isle. The perfect kitchen. The squeaky-clean countertop of marble, the glistening sink, the fridge that was white and rounded like those you would see in an old movie. David was running down the hallway, towards the entrance and the foyer, his little feet pitter-pattering against the floor like raindrops on a tin roof. Gab was rolling up right behind me, slapping my butt and grabbing my hand. I was looking down towards him, seeing him smile. Erica was cartwheeling past me with a squeak and then running towards the door too, and I was muttering something about keeping watch over brothers while going to school. Then Maria walked in, but not dressed in her casualwear. Dressed in the black military turtleneck and the cargo pants she wore when she was serious. Gab was gone, and so was all the laughter and joy. I tried to smile at Maria as she walked towards me, but I couldn't. She tilted her head inquisitively, then sighed a little before reaching out for my face. Her nails were still a little dark from my blood. A thumb moved beneath my eye, wiping something off.
"Go take a deep breath, I'll cook. Don't worry." she said, smiling. As if she had just seen what I saw too.
I did what she said. I walked back out the way David left, into the garage shed again. I grabbed the little packet out of my pocket, reached for the lighter on the tabletop and lit one of the little rods up. Took a deep breath with it to my mouth, stared into the white wall.
I need to get it back together. I need to get it back together. I need to get it back together. I need to get it back together. I need to get it backtogether IneedtogetitbacktogetherIneedtogetitbacktogether. Until we're done. When we're done I can unravel.
When I came back in Maria was already sitting at the table, and she gave me a concerned smile. I pulled out the chair opposite her, sat down. There was a pasta sauce on the plate, one of those Maria had cooked for us before, back at the apartment. I could see, on the edge of my field of view, how Maria crinkled her nose when I looked down. In disgust, likely. Because of the cigarette smoke, likely. I pretended to not notice, ate the food up without a word.
"It was good. Really good." I forced out when I was done. I didn't look Maria in the eye, but she smiled with her mouth at least.
"You're welcome, Rob."
"I'll just... I'll just wash my plate and we'll leave, okay?" I said, pushing down the lump in my throat with all my might.
She tilted her head, shook it.
"It's okay to grieve. You know that, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"You don't have to drown it."
"I'm not."
"Okay. For now."
She wasn't going to let up. She was going to ask me later, I knew it.
But best not bother her with those thoughts now. Focus now, unravel later.
After washing the dishes and unplugging a bunch of things in the house to save on her energy bill while we were away, we got in the car and headed out in silence. The drive was long, dry, boring. Took us through the grey city streets, below the void sky. Took us down the levels along the Spiral, past the poor bastards in the lower levels too. The grime, the exposed pipes, they always shocked me. I was lucky to be employed in an office and have top level privileges for proximity's sake. When we got out of the city and onto the nigh empty highway I looked back at the city. Built upon a hill, divided into tiers like a wedding cake. Towers reaching high into the sky like candles, an ode to to the void above. The skies above the desert were almost refreshing, still remembering the blue that used to blanket us. It made the rest of the ride, despite the uncomfortable silence, tolerable.
The emptiness of the desert was pleasant. Empty, dry, yet full of life. The sands wriggling and tumbleweeds rolling in the wind, the cacti providing contrast against the blue and the orange. This was not void. Empty, but not void.