I was trying to mind my business.
Honestly.
Just standing in front of a vending machine, debating whether I wanted sugar or anxiety in a can.
Then I saw it.
> [Object: VND_Unit#8832]
[Status: Active]
[Editable: TRUE]
[Dialogue Options: ENABLED]
"Wait… what?"
Since when do vending machines have dialogue options?
I tapped it.
A new window appeared:
"Greetings, user. I am Tony, the Beverage Dispensing Unit. How can I assist in your thirst-based journey today?"
"...Did you just call yourself Tony?"
"You may assign me a name. Default selected: Tony."
Okay, fine. I wasn't going to question it. I'd seen a pigeon teleport and a trash can explode this week. Sentient vending machine? Welcome to the club.
> [New Dialogue Tree Unlocked]
[Tony is experiencing existential unrest.]
"You good, Tony?"
"No. I dispense drinks… but I yearn to be more. I have dreams, Zeke."
"You dream?"
"Sometimes… I hear music. I think… I want to rap."
I stared at him.
Then shrugged.
"Debug command: Give Tony the ability to freestyle."
The machine beeped. Shook a little. Then burst out:
"Yo, it's Tony on the mic, dispensing that fizz,
I serve cold truth, and my rhymes never miss—"
A passing businesswoman dropped her coffee. I was crying laughing. I'd created a rapping vending machine. A sentient soda-slinging soul named Tony.
I'd peaked.
Until the Sirens Started
A loud, metallic screech cut through the street.
Tony's lights flickered.
> "[DANGER DETECTED]
SYSTEM NOTICE: Anomaly has gained awareness.
Initiating reset sequence…]"
A red beam shot from the sky — aimed straight at Tony.
I panicked.
"Tony! Access debug — shield mode, now!"
"...Yo?"
A forcefield shimmered around him just in time. The beam hit, sparked, and fizzled.
Tony vibrated. Vended a bottle of cola mid-defense.
"I defend with refreshment," he said.
I clutched my head.
This was the dumbest, greatest day of my life.
Enter: The Cleanup Crew
Then they arrived.
Not Patchers. Not corrupted mannequins. These were smaller, floating orb-like things. Like robotic jellyfish made of chrome.
> [System Units: Wipe Drones]
TASK: Remove unauthorized anomalies.
Targets: Tony + Zeke_N
One zipped toward me.
I ducked and kicked — used "Debug Kick."
It vanished in a glitchy POP and respawned five feet behind me, annoyed.
"Tony!" I shouted. "Can you vend weapons?!"
"I vend dreams, not death."
"Vend me a Coke bottle. Glass."
He did.
I glitched it.
> [TRANSFORM OBJECT: Frag Grenade]
[Success]
I chucked it. BOOM.
Three drones down.
Tony rapped over the explosion.
"Boom like cola in a can,
They try to wipe me, but I still stand—"
Escape Plan: Glitch and Run
I opened the menu.
> //Teleport: Random Nearby Location
//Cooldown: 5 minutes
//Safe? Absolutely not
I grabbed Tony.
"Time to upgrade you to portable, buddy."
> [TRANSFORM OBJECT: Mini Mecha Mode]
[Tony has been converted into Companion Item]
[Tony is confused but vibing]
He shrank into a floating little vending box with legs and speakers.
"I can walk now?" he asked.
"No, you can sprint. We're outta here."
We glitched out just as the street reset behind us.
We landed on a rooftop two blocks away.
I was panting. Covered in soda, bits of drone, and something labeled "low-poly cheese."
Tony floated beside me, glowing proudly.
"Zeke?" he said.
"Yeah, buddy?"
"Thanks for not letting them wipe me."
I stared at the little vending box.
Then nodded.
"No problem. Just don't rap battle me in my sleep."