There are exactly five signs your life is spiraling into absurdist hell.
1. You wake up tied to a velvet heart-shaped bed.
2. Your breakfast is a three-course love confession.
3. All five of your psychotically devoted fiancées are holding knives, spatulas, or spellbooks—lovingly.
4. The national news is calling you the "Blessed Groom of War."
5. A goddess shows up wearing a therapist badge that says "Eris, Totally Certified."
Rei opened one bleary eye and immediately regretted it.
The honeymoon dungeon suite was unusually…quiet, too quiet.
Then—
POOF!
A cloud of glittery chaos exploded in the center of the room. Folding chairs materialized like summoned beasts. A ring of decorative, softly glowing mood lanterns descended from the ceiling. And in the middle of it all stood Goddess Eris, wearing a professional blazer over her usual sparkly battle bikini, holding a clipboard.
