Lenny Twinklespark was dying.
Not emotionally. Not metaphorically. Not in a "my crush saw my embarrassing playlist" kind of way.
This was intestinal. Apocalyptic. End-of-days stuff.
He was clinging to the bathroom doorframe like a man betrayed by his own body.
"I—I think it was the gas station burrito," he wheezed, before collapsing onto the toilet like a Shakespearean tragedy in pyjamas.
From the hallway came Cassie's voice. "Babe, are you okay?"
"No. I'm not okay. I'm gonna explode. I am exploding. I am become destruction. Please—do not come in here!"
Cassie, naturally, came in.
She peeked in cautiously, nose wrinkling. "Oh wow. That's... a situation."
Lenny groaned, grabbing a towel and attempting to drape it over his lap with some semblance of dignity. "Why are you here?! I told you to stay away! It's—it's a war zone in here!"
"You texted me," she said, holding up her phone. "You wrote: 'Cass... send help. I am not surviving this. If I die, delete my browser history.'"
"I thought I was gonna perish!!"
Cassie smirked, walking in with the confidence of a nurse and the apathy of someone who'd seen worse. "Alright, Commander. What do you need?"
"A new body."
"Short-term solutions only, thanks."
Lenny whimpered. "I need toilet paper. And a hug. But not at the same time."
Cassie grabbed the loo roll and handed it to him like a sacred scroll. "Here. Do what must be done."
"I feel... betrayed. By the burrito. By my intestines. By God."
Cassie crouched beside him, holding his sweaty hand. "You're being very brave."
"I'm sitting here bare-bottomed while the love of my life watches my soul leave through my butt."
"Romantic."
"I wanted to propose in a park or something," he mumbled. "Not like this. Not with... noises."
"You're fine," Cassie giggled. "It's just food poisoning. Everyone poops."
"Not like this, they don't. This is... biblical."
Then came the worst betrayal: a sound.
Lenny's eyes widened. Cassie's eyebrows shot up.
They made eye contact.
Neither spoke.
Then they both burst out laughing.
"I hate this," Lenny groaned. "I'm gonna die and it's going to be called the 'Poop Chapter' in the story of my life."
Cassie stood and stretched. "Well, when you're done dissolving from the inside out, I'll be in the kitchen. I made tea. Mint. For... obvious reasons."
"Tell my Dinglebarry I loved him," Lenny said faintly as the door shut behind her.