"This is all that she left?"
I paced back and forth as both Annika and Rico read the letter Harriett left.
"She left Akira. Does that make any sense?"
I said begrudgingly as I stared at Akira who was unenergetic as she sprawled on my couch. She had been like that ever since I came outside my door early in the morning. Only to find her barking and crying nonstop.
I walked towards her and scooped her up in my arms where she snuggled deep. She had just stopped crying but I know that Harriett's disappearance takes a toll on her too.
Dogs could feel and they feel hard too.
"I'll find her Akira. Don't worry"
I said as I continued to comfort her.
"No, it doesn't make any sense. She wouldn't leave Akira just like that"
Annika swore as tears started to prickle her eyes.
"Akira's been with her for five years now. Eversince Josiah left her, Akira was the only one she had. So no, it doesn't make any sense for her to leave Kira"
I don't know what to say. I don't have any idea on how deep Akira's connection with Harriett was. I didn't even bother to ask.
And now, I don't know where I should look for her.
Because somehow, it felt like I didn't know anything about Harriett anymore. I don't know who she is, what she does, what she likes, or what she hates anymore. I don't know her anymore.
I was the closest person to her before but now it feels like I've become a total stranger when it comes to her life.
"I knew I should've moved in with her years ago"
"Nika don't be like that"
I watched as Rico pulled Annika into a hug and comforted her. She seemed really scared for some reason.
"Annika"
I called and immediately she looked at me while in Rico's arms.
"Qian has depression Pierce"
She drops and immediately I'm faced with Harriett who was ready to jump off that bridge. With Harriett who was spacing out, who was hugging herself tighter. On the blank stare in her face. On the feeling like anytime she'll disappear.
"She was diagnosed seven years ago. She said it got better and I believed her. I shouldn't have believed her. I should've made my move when you told me that you saw her on that bridge… I should've…"
"Wait Annika…
I stopped Annika and stared at her hard as the puzzles tried to fit in one by one but I was still short on the details.
"What do you mean seven years ago?"
Harriett and Josiah had broken up five years ago. If it was seven years ago…
"Pierce… Josiah was emotionally manipulating Qian"
Every fiber of my being went rigid as I felt my blood boil.
"He kept on gaslighting, emotionally neglecting and manipulating Qian. It was hard to see it because Qian was the only one trying to make things work. She gave up every last bit of her self-worth and pride, waiting for him to change but he never did. He got worse…"
Annika suddenly stopped and I knew exactly why. I could feel it, the rage contorting every last bit of my expression. The anger changing every bit of me into a monster I am ready to become.
Because I didn't gave up Harriett just for her to be used and treated like that. I didn't let Harriett go without a fight just so she could morph into something that would fit Josiah's ideal.
I didn't let her go just for her to lose herself.
"What did he do?"
I asked. My voice lower than it should be and I didn't have any reason to hide it. Not with what Annika finally revealed.
"He cheated on her"
*Qian's*
I stared at the gravestone in front of me and sat underneath the shade of the tree right beside it. I took out the small painting I had done and placed it right next to the gravestone as I caressed it softly.
"I met Kael again, after nine long years. It was a weird coincidence, you know, because he stopped me from jumping off of that bridge."
I smell the spring breeze as the wind blows my long hair back from my face. I smiled trying to imagine that it was him holding back my face.
"And it was funny how after nine long years, I still couldn't tell him the truth. How could I? I broke his heart years ago and he had no one to help him mend it. I took away everything that he had, especially his family."
"Maybe I indeed became a monster of my own creation. This scars are proof of that now"
I mutter as I pull back the long sleeve I was wearing and see the scars on my wrist. They're everywhere now, on my wrist, arms, legs, even on my abdomen.
"I know you'll get mad at me for doing this, but I needed to feel something else other than sadness. I couldn't be happy anymore. I don't know how to feel like that anymore. I needed physical pain, something to remind me that I'm still alive, that I'm still a human and not a monster who was ruining everybody else's lives"
Just like what Josiah had accused me of.
"I tried to survive. Tried to live so hard but it's become unbearable now. Akira will be fine, Pierce will take care of her. And Pierce, he'll feel nothing and he won't blame himself because he won't see my body anymore"
"I plan to disappear in a place where none of them can see me, recognize me. Like Jane Doe."
Another soft breeze as I stare at the painting I made of him. Buzz cut hair, tanned skin, army green uniform and a wide smile on his face as his eyes crinkle. Just like the way he always smiled.
"I don't have any regrets now. The book will be released a month from now. The things I couldn't tell Pierce. Of how I truly feel for him and how I regretted it. It's all in there. All the pieces of me are scattered in those three books. Because a writer bares a part of her soul inside her works, right?"
"That's how I want to be remembered by everyone I love"
I placed a hand atop the gravestone as I felt the curve of its engravings and smiled as I trailed them.
Leonel Cydel Ramir
B. August 26, 1996
D. August 26, 2017
May his soul rest in peace.
I hope you'll be my guide this time. See you soon.