What if I had said something different?
What if I had smiled more? What if I didn't text back so quickly? What if I just shut up that day?
What if she liked me back?
That's how it starts. One thought. One little "what if" that plants itself in your brain like a seed. And then your mind waters it with doubt until it grows roots deep enough to trip you every time you try to move forward.
It's exhausting.
I can't even look at someone without thinking about ten different versions of how that moment could've gone better. I'll replay a five-second interaction for five hours like it's a movie scene I'm trying to direct better. Rewrite the lines. Edit the tone. Fix the expression on my face.
But life doesn't come with a backspace key.
Sometimes I'll stare at my phone for an hour, crafting the perfect message. Delete. Re-type. Read it as if I were them. What would they think of this emoji? Does a period make it sound cold? Should I just not text at all?
It's like I want to connect, but my brain keeps holding auditions for every possible version of me. And none of them ever feel quite right.
And the thing is, I'm not scared of people, not really. I just over-care. About what they'll say. What they won't say. What they'll think, even if they never tell me.
I tell myself I'll stop doing this. That next time, I'll just speak. Just act. Just be. But then I remember the last time I did that and ended up replaying it for weeks.
That's the loop.
What if I had spoken up when my teacher asked if anyone had questions?
Maybe I wouldn't have bombed the test.
What if I had told my dad how I really felt when he said, "You're just being dramatic."
Maybe he would've listened. Or maybe not.
What if I told her I liked her last year?
Maybe she wouldn't be with someone else now.
Every decision becomes a fork in the road I didn't take.
And even when I'm doing nothing, my mind is still doing everything.
That's what it means to live with "What ifs" and "Maybes." It's not about regret all the time. It's more like... fear disguised as imagination. Like your brain is trying to protect you by scaring you away from being real.
But at some point, you have to wonder:
What if the only thing I'm missing out on… is living?