Bernd Leno
Left him alone on the bed, after giving the love I wanted to.
I don't know why he was looking different from the honeymoon. Why does he look so beautiful when he smiles? I couldn't take my eyes off. I have no control over me whenever he lets me fall for him. He has no right to look that beautiful. I love seeing him whenever he combs his hair or settles it aside, or applying oil or something on it. Maybe it's been my favorite side to stare at him. I know he noticed me a few times. But he should know, I don't care. Sometimes, I imagine, it will be one day he will smile back after facing me staring at him. I wish he would smile once for me.
I came back in bed after washing. Watched him attached himself with the bed, holding the blanket tightly. I opened the drawer and put the lube inside, and got the spray for him. "Spray it. It will reduce the pain." I extended my hand and gave it to him. Then, I stepped outside off the bed area and turned away. Gave him sufficient space. I waited a few seconds when I heard no sprayed-sound, and I turned back. I was thinking if something happened to him or if he needs any help. But I found him looking at me with the spray on his hand. As soon as I turned away, he moved his eyes from me. But I saw him looking at me for a nano-seconds.
Whatever, I again moved my face away and asked him, "Do you need any help?" "N-no. I can. Thanks." As I guessed, he was seeing something. What was his question? To me? Or to the point? I heard the sound, thinking, he is alright. I thought it was not the first time for him. Not for me either. I was still hoping he was alright.
"Yes, come." He speaks from back, and I turned around to walk and get up on the bed. I took the spray from his hand and put it on the drawer. I get myself under the blanket, for the first time, we were inside in one blanket. I fixed it properly up on him, noticed he was still on my jacket. I don't know why.
He was looking down. I asked to reduce my tension, "Did I hurt you much?" "No, not at all. Otherwise, it's not your fault if I get hurt." He answered instantly. "I know, but I said was it much?" "NO. You were careful. Thank you." Maybe for the first time, he looks at me with his inclined eyes. I watched some tears also. Was it for pain? Or, just because it was NOT pain.
"Hey, don't take things in that way. It was all from heart. For you." I go a little closer to him to hold him and pull him to hug. I know he needs it. He will be, all the time.
He holds me back so tightly. I never felt that before. He is still unknown to me. I think even after knowing each thing, it won't be clear. All the way, I hold him tightly, too. Held up my chin to give him space on my chest. I kissed his temple and stroked his hair. I love the two things to do. I hope he will feel it.
He did not release me that time. He was closing his eyes. Holding me tightly. I might know the things he is unfamiliar with. What he thinks much is not even one percent for me. Those who deserve more never get even enough. But they remain happy, which we call 'Alright.'
"Everything will be alright." I told him, letting him feel my appearance in his life. I will at least let him know that he entered my world. I will never allow his ways in here. Nor his anything. It is getting old.
He was still closing his eyes. I thought he was crying. But no. I don't guess the reason why he was he holding me like that. He wants to tell me something, but couldn't? It's okay, Modric. I have already felt you. I silently told him.
I was holding him with no distance between us. Giving him the comfort zone. Hoping, one day, he will fall for it. He will fall for the deservation, what lies underneath, hides under feet. Fall for all the happiness, all the wonders. He will take things normal after changing himself with it. And that is my promise.