Li Wei was no stranger to weird days—spilling coffee on his phone and getting isekai'd into a cultivation novel was proof of that—but the glowing espresso machine humming like a possessed monk was a new low. Transcendent Brews was still packed with cultivators, most of whom were sipping flat whites and murmuring about the "sacred elixir" that had tamed the Black Tiger Sect. Sister Lin and her two goons were still at a table, looking disturbingly Zen, while Iron Fang was practically composing poetry about "the Dao of warmth." Soft Feather was handing out cups like a caffeinated cheerleader, Song Shuhang was trying to keep the peace, Su Clan's Sixteen was watching everything with a sharp gaze, and Venerable Spirit Butterfly was sipping his flat white, his butterfly hairpin glinting ominously. Thrice Reckless Mad Saber was, of course, making things worse, loudly challenging Sister Lin to a "coffee duel" that nobody asked for.
And then there was Senior White, whose coffee-stained napkin—now a glowing talisman—was sparking like a discount firework. The tiny storm cloud above it had grown to the size of a beach ball, crackling with lightning that made Li Wei's hair stand on end. Worst of all, his espresso machine was glowing too, letting out a low, almost sentient hum that sounded like it was chanting in binary.
"Okay, nope," Li Wei said, grabbing a broom. "This is where I draw the line. Glowing coffee grounds? Fine. Cultivators thinking I'm Buddha? Annoying, but fine. But my machine acting like it's about to ascend? Hard pass." He jabbed the broom at the machine, which pulsed brighter, as if offended.
Senior White looked up, his serene smile unshaken. "Fascinating, Fellow Daoist Li. Your machine seems to resonate with my talisman. Perhaps it's absorbing the coffee's spiritual essence."
"Spiritual essence?" Li Wei said, voice cracking. "It's a ten-year-old De'Longhi I got on sale! It doesn't have essence, it has rust!"
Soft Feather clapped, her eyes sparkling. "Transcendent Barista, your machine is awakening! It's like a spirit artifact forming its own consciousness!"
Li Wei turned to Song Shuhang, who was clutching his latte like a lifeline. "Shuhang, back me up here. Tell them this is insane."
Song Shuhang gave a nervous smile. "Uh, Fellow Daoist Li, I've seen weirder. Last month, my teapot started singing after Senior White touched it."
"Not helping," Li Wei muttered, glaring at the machine. It let out another hum, and a puff of steam formed a tiny lotus shape before dissipating. The cultivators gasped, and Venerable Spirit Butterfly raised an eyebrow, setting down his cup.
"This is no ordinary brew," Venerable Spirit Butterfly said, his voice calm but heavy. "Your coffee carries a trace of the Dao, Fellow Daoist. And now your machine… it's evolving."
Li Wei threw his hands up. "Evolving? It's a coffee maker, not a Pokémon! Somebody unplug it before it starts reciting sutras!"
Before anyone could respond, the door jingled, and a new voice cut through the chaos. "Yo, what's with the light show? This place smells like heaven, but it looks like a tribulation's about to drop." A small, fluffy dog with a smug grin trotted in, a jade pendant dangling from its collar. Li Wei's brain pinged: Doudou, the talking dog with a penchant for trouble and an ego bigger than most cultivators.
"Doudou!" Soft Feather squealed, scooping up the dog. "You came! Try Transcendent Barista's coffee—it's divine!"
Doudou wriggled free, hopping onto a table. "Divine, huh? I'll be the judge of that. Hey, barista guy, hit me with your best shot. And make it quick—I've got a date with a flying sword later."
Li Wei stared at the dog, his sanity fraying. "A talking dog. Sure, why not. You want a latte, pup? Or do you prefer espresso?"
Doudou smirked. "Pup? Watch it, mortal. I'm a peak fourth-stage spirit beast. Give me something strong, none of that frothy nonsense."
Li Wei sighed, starting an espresso. "One dog-friendly espresso, coming up. If you bite me, I'm charging double." He worked fast, the machine's glow pulsing in time with his movements, like it was *enjoying* itself. He slid the tiny cup to Doudou, who lapped it up with surprising grace.
The dog's eyes widened, and a faint shimmer of qi rippled around him. "Well, damn," Doudou said, licking his chops. "This ain't just coffee. My fur's practically vibrating with qi. Barista guy, you hiding a spirit vein in here or what?"
"It's just beans!" Li Wei snapped, but the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat was already exploding:
Soft Feather : Doudou loves Transcendent Barista's coffee! It's boosting his qi! This shop is a miracle!
Doudou : Yo, this stuff's legit. @Transcendent Barista, you got any more of those beans? My tail's wagging harder than usual.
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Ha! Even the mutt's hooked! @Transcendent Barista, you're gonna have every spirit beast in the city at your door.
Medicine Master : I've confirmed it—there's spiritual energy in the coffee. @Transcendent Barista, I'm bringing my alchemy tools tomorrow. We need to study this.
Li Wei groaned, his phone buzzing like a chainsaw. "Why is everyone in this group so extra?" He glanced at the espresso machine, which was now glowing bright enough to cast shadows. The storm cloud above Senior White's talisman was swirling faster, and a faint rumble shook the shop, knocking over a stack of napkins.
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped closer, her short sword still drawn. "Fellow Daoist Li, that machine's not normal anymore. And Senior White's talisman… it's attracting spiritual energy. You might want to do something."
"Do what?" Li Wei said, gesturing wildly. "I'm a barista, not an exorcist! Somebody unplug that thing!"
Song Shuhang hesitated, then reached for the plug, but the machine let out a loud hiss, and a burst of steam pushed him back. The cultivators gasped, and Thrice Reckless whooped. "Now that's what I call a spirit artifact! Barista, you've got a guardian beast in there!"
"It's not a beast, it's a machine!" Li Wei yelled, but his words were drowned out by a sudden crack. Senior White's talisman flared, and a bolt of lightning shot out, striking the espresso machine. The machine let out a sound like a gong, and a wave of spiritual energy surged through Transcendent Brews, making the coffee grounds on the counter glow brighter. The air hummed with power, and the cultivators froze, their cups trembling in their hands.
Senior White blinked, his smile unfazed. "Oops. I may have overcharged the talisman. But this is exciting! Your machine is forming a spirit, Fellow Daoist Li."
Li Wei's jaw dropped. "A spirit? My coffee maker's haunted now? Are you kidding me?"
Venerable Spirit Butterfly stood, his aura calm but commanding. "This is no mere haunting. Your brew and this machine are resonating with the talisman's energy. It's as if the Dao of Coffee is manifesting."
"There's no Dao of Coffee!" Li Wei shouted, but nobody listened. Soft Feather was clapping, Doudou was barking excitedly, and the Black Tiger Sect cultivators were staring at the machine like it was a divine relic. Sister Lin stood, her earlier anger replaced by awe. "Transcendent Barista, this… this is a miracle. Your shop is a sacred ground."
Li Wei slumped against the counter, chugging his own coffee. "Sacred ground, my ass. I just wanted to sell lattes."
Before he could wallow further, the door burst open, and a new group of Black Tiger Sect cultivators stormed in—five this time, led by a wiry old man with a beard that screamed "evil mastermind." His aura was heavier than Sister Lin's, and Li Wei's gut told him this guy was at least sixth stage. The old man pointed at the glowing espresso machine, his voice booming. "Transcendent Barista! Your artifact has awakened! Surrender it to the Black Tiger Sect, or we'll seize it by force!"
Li Wei groaned, gripping his broom like a weapon. "Oh, come on. Now you want my haunted coffee maker? Get in line!"
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped forward, her sword raised. "You're not taking anything. Back off, or you'll answer to the Su Clan."
Song Shuhang drew a talisman, looking nervous but determined. Soft Feather pulled out a butterfly-shaped charm, her eyes gleaming with excitement. Doudou growled, his fur bristling with qi. Even Venerable Spirit Butterfly glanced at the old man, his calm smile carrying a hint of menace.
Thrice Reckless, naturally, made things worse. "Yo, old guy, you sure you wanna mess with the coffee shop? Last guy who tried is over there writing poetry."
The old man—Elder Claw, by the sound of Sister Lin's whispered "Elder!"—snarled. "Insolent fools! The Black Tiger Sect will claim this artifact and the elixir recipe! Prepare yourselves!"
Li Wei glanced at Senior White, who was still studying his talisman, oblivious to the brewing fight. The espresso machine hummed louder, and a puff of steam formed another lotus, this one glowing faintly. The storm cloud above the talisman rumbled, and Li Wei's heart sank. "This is gonna end badly, isn't it?"
Song Shuhang nodded grimly. "Probably. But your coffee's worth fighting for, Fellow Daoist."
Li Wei sighed, pouring himself another espresso. "Somebody get me a stronger brew. I'm gonna need it."
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