Li Wei was pretty sure his life had peaked at "mildly stressful" back when his biggest problem was a customer demanding oat milk at 7 a.m. Now, standing behind the counter of Transcendent Brews, he was staring down three angry Black Tiger Sect cultivators, led by a scar-faced woman named Sister Lin, who looked like she'd punch a mountain for fun. Iron Fang, her formerly raging sect mate, was still sitting at a table, sipping his flat white and muttering about "inner peace" like he'd just discovered yoga. The rest of the shop was a circus: Soft Feather was handing out coffees like they were party favors, Song Shuhang was trying not to panic, Thrice Reckless Mad Saber was egging everyone on, and Su Clan's Sixteen was gripping her short sword, eyeing the intruders. Worst of all, Senior White was sketching a glowing coffee talisman on a napkin, and the tiny storm cloud above it was starting to rumble.
Li Wei clutched his coffee pot, his voice dripping with exhaustion. "Look, Sister Lin, I don't have an elixir recipe. I make coffee. You want some? Free of charge. Just don't trash my shop, okay? I'm already in debt to a landlord who thinks I'm a wizard."
Sister Lin sneered, her aura flaring like a bonfire. "Your tricks won't sway me, Transcendent Barista! Iron Fang's weakness shames our sect. Hand over the recipe, or we'll take it by force!"
Iron Fang looked up, his Zen vibe faltering. "Sister Lin, you don't understand! This coffee… it's a path to harmony! I haven't felt this calm since I broke through to the fifth stage!"
"Calm?" Sister Lin spat. "You're a disgrace! Step aside, or I'll drag you back to the elder myself!"
Li Wei groaned, rubbing his temples. "Why is everyone in this world so dramatic? It's just coffee. Beans, water, heat. No secret sauce, no ancient scroll. Can we all just chill?"
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped forward, her short sword glinting. "You're wasting your breath. The Black Tiger Sect doesn't listen to reason. Let me handle this."
Li Wei waved her off. "No offense, Sixteen, but I'd rather not turn my shop into a swordfight arena. Let's try the diplomatic approach first." He turned to Sister Lin, forcing a smile. "How about a drink? Same as Iron Fang's. If you like it, maybe we can talk this out without, you know, the whole 'raze the shop' vibe."
Sister Lin hesitated, her eyes narrowing. The other two Black Tiger Sect cultivators—a lanky guy with a spear and a woman with a fan—exchanged glances, clearly unsure. Thrice Reckless, never one to miss an opportunity, called out, "Go on, take the coffee! Bet it'll knock you out faster than a tribulation!"
"Shut up, Reckless," Li Wei hissed, already grinding beans for another flat white. The aroma filled Transcendent Brews, warm and floral, cutting through the tension like a knife. He poured the espresso with a steady hand, steamed the milk to a velvety foam, and slid the cup to Sister Lin. "Here. Try it. If you still want to fight after, I'll… I dunno, surrender or something."
Sister Lin snatched the cup, sniffing it suspiciously. The entire shop watched as she took a sip. Her scowl softened, just for a moment, and a faint ripple of qi pulsed around her. She blinked, took another sip, and her aura—previously a raging inferno—calmed to a gentle simmer. "This… what is this?" she murmured, staring into the cup. "It's like my qi is… balanced."
Li Wei threw his hands up. "It's coffee! Caffeine! It makes you feel good, not enlightened!"
But Sister Lin wasn't listening. She sat next to Iron Fang, sipping slowly, her expression dazed. The other two Black Tiger Sect cultivators demanded their own cups, and Li Wei obliged, muttering about how his life had become a caffeine-fueled fever dream. Soon, all three were seated, sipping flat whites and looking disturbingly peaceful. The lanky guy even started humming.
Soft Feather clapped, her eyes sparkling. "Transcendent Barista, you did it again! You tamed the Black Tiger Sect with your Dao of Coffee!"
"There's no Dao," Li Wei snapped, but his voice was drowned out by the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat pinging on his phone:
Soft Feather : Transcendent Barista just pacified three Black Tiger Sectcultivators! His flat white is a heavenly treasure!
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Ha! Told you he's an immortal. Those guys went from murder mode to meditation in one sip. @Transcendent Barista, teach me your ways!
Medicine Master : I'm analyzing the coffee now. There's definitely spiritual energy in it. @Transcendent Barista, where do you source your beans?
Northern River's Loose Cultivator : Everyone, calm down. You're going to attract every sect from here to the coast. @Transcendent Barista, you okay?
Li Wei groaned, ignoring the chat. He turned to Song Shuhang, who was looking increasingly frazzled. "You deal with this stuff all the time, right? How do you not have a nervous breakdown?"
Song Shuhang gave a weak smile. "I'm still figuring that out. But your coffee helps. My qi's never been this stable."
"Stop saying that!" Li Wei said, exasperated. "It's not magical! It's just—" He froze, noticing Senior White. The white-haired cultivator was now surrounded by a faint glow, his napkin sketch pulsing with runes that looked way too ominous for a coffee shop. The storm cloud above it was growing, crackling with lightning that made the air hum.
"Uh, Senior White?" Li Wei said, his voice cracking. "What's that napkin doing?"
Senior White looked up, his smile serene. "Oh, this? I'm refining a coffee-based talisman. Your brew inspired me, Fellow Daoist Li. I think it could enhance my spatial arrays."
Li Wei's stomach dropped. "Spatial arrays? Like, teleportation? Please tell me you're not gonna accidentally send my shop to the moon."
Senior White chuckled, and the storm cloud rumbled louder. "Don't worry. I'm being careful." A bolt of lightning shot out, singeing a nearby table. The cultivators gasped, but Senior White just tilted his head, unfazed. "Hmm. Needs more coffee essence."
Li Wei turned to Su Clan's Sixteen, who was watching the scene with a mix of amusement and concern. "Sixteen, you're, like, competent, right? Can you stop him before he blows us all up?"
Su Clan's Sixteen smirked, sipping her flat white. "You're asking me to rein in a Venerable? Good luck with that. But your coffee's keeping me calm, so maybe you're onto something."
Before Li Wei could retort, the door jingled, and a new figure strode in—a tall, elegant man with a butterfly hairpin and an aura that screamed "overprotective dad." Li Wei's brain pinged: Venerable Spirit Butterfly, Soft Feather's father. The man scanned the room, his gaze lingering on the pacified Black Tiger Sect cultivators, then landing on Li Wei.
"You must be Transcendent Barista," Venerable Spirit Butterfly said, his voice calm but carrying a weight that made Li Wei's knees wobble. "My daughter speaks highly of your… coffee. May I try it?"
Li Wei swallowed hard. "Sure, uh, sir. Flat white? Everyone's obsessed with those today."
Venerable Spirit Butterfly nodded, taking a seat near Senior White, who was still tinkering with his talisman. Li Wei worked fast, brewing another flat white and praying he didn't accidentally offend a guy who could probably vaporize him with a thought. As he handed over the cup, the storm cloud above Senior White's napkin let out a loud *crack*, and a gust of wind swept through the shop, knocking over a stack of cups.
"Oops," Senior White said, smiling. "Perhaps I added too much qi."
Li Wei's eye twitched. "Too much qi? You're gonna turn my shop into a crater!"
Soft Feather clapped excitedly. "Father, you have to try this! Transcendent Barista's coffee is like a spark of the Dao! It tamed the Black Tiger Sect!"
Venerable Spirit Butterfly raised an eyebrow, sipping the flat white. His expression softened, and a faint glow flickered around him, like his qi had just done a happy little jig. "Remarkable," he said, glancing at Li Wei. "This brew carries a subtle harmony. You're no ordinary mortal, Fellow Daoist."
"I'm begging you, stop," Li Wei said, slumping against the counter. "It's just coffee. I'm not a cultivator, I'm not a master, I'm just a guy with a coffee machine!"
But the chat group was already blowing up:
Venerable Spirit Butterfly : Transcendent Barista's coffee is indeed profound. It aligns the qi with a gentle touch. @Transcendent Barista, my daughter was right about you.
Su Clan's Sixteen : Told you. There's something to this guy. @Transcendent Barista, don't let it go to your head.
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Ha! Even Venerable Spirit Butterfly's hooked! @Transcendent Barista, you're basically running a sect now.
Senior White : My talisman is nearly complete. @Transcendent Barista, may I use more of your beans? They're quite potent.
Li Wei groaned, his phone buzzing like a swarm of bees. He glanced at Senior White, whose talisman was now glowing brighter, the storm cloud above it swirling ominously. "No more beans," he said, voice firm. "You're gonna blow us all to kingdom come."
But Senior White just smiled, and the cloud rumbled louder. Su Clan's Sixteen stood, her sword ready, as Sister Lin and the Black Tiger Sect cultivators snapped out of their coffee trance, looking confused but still calm. Song Shuhang whispered, "Fellow Daoist Li, maybe you should… do something?"
"Like what?" Li Wei hissed. "Serve decaf and pray?"
Before anyone could answer, the talisman on Senior White's napkin flared, and a bolt of lightning shot out, striking the espresso machine. The machine hummed, then let out a weird, almost sentient groan. A wave of spiritual energy surged through Transcendent Brews, and the coffee grounds on the counter started glowing faintly, like they'd just been blessed by a caffeine deity.
Li Wei stared, horrified. "Oh, come on. Now my machine's possessed?"
Soft Feather clapped, Thrice Reckless whooped, and Venerable Spirit Butterfly raised an eyebrow. Su Clan's Sixteen muttered, "This is why I avoid Senior White's experiments."
Senior White looked delighted. "Fascinating! Your coffee grounds resonate with my talisman, Fellow Daoist Li. This could be a breakthrough!"
Li Wei grabbed a broom, ready to sweep the glowing grounds into the trash. "Breakthrough, my ass. Somebody get me a stronger brew before I lose it."
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