Ding!
Good morning, Host! One new Death Flag detected for today.
I groaned, rolling over in my tiny one-room apartment as the BNPP system screen floated in front of my bleary eyes like an unwelcome morning after drinking too much cheap sake.
"Already?" I croaked, blinking blearily at the message.
Current Death Flag:
High risk of fatal cabbage incident within the next six hours.
Recommended Action:Stay indoors and avoid all leafy greens.
I stared at the screen. Then I stared at the clock.
6:02 AM.
I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet and the universe was already threatening me with cabbage-based homicide.
"You've gotta be kidding me."
BNPP Message:
Death comes for us all, Host. Sometimes in the form of an assassin, sometimes a sentient cabbage. Don't judge.
I buried my face in my pillow and let out a long, muffled scream.
"Papa?"
Haruto's tiny voice called from the other room. I sat up, grunting as my back cracked like bubble wrap.
"Yeah, buddy?"
"Can we have cabbage stir-fry for breakfast?"
Ding!
Death Flag Threat Level: Increased.
"No," I barked so fast it startled the kid.
"But you said it's healthy!"
"Haruto, if we eat cabbage today we're both gonna die horribly. Trust me."
"Is this like the time you said ramen was cursed because you didn't want to pay for it?"
"That was different. That was financial death. This is literal death."
BNPP:
Technically both.
I glared at the floating screen.
"Fine. No cabbage. What about turnips?"
I flinched. Flashbacks of yesterday's airborne turnip barrage hit me like a Genjutsu.
"NO TURNIPS EITHER."
Haruto huffed. "We never eat fun stuff."
"We eat stuff that doesn't murder us, kid. That's the new family rule."
He grumbled and wandered off to play with his stick collection. I sighed, wiping my face.
Right. First order of business: avoid cabbage. Which meant avoiding the market district. Which meant no groceries. Which meant no money because today's mission was—
Ding!
Mission Reminder: Escort a cabbage merchant to the west gate.
"…you mother—"
I kicked my pillow across the room.
"Why is this my life!?"
BNPP Advice:
Recommended Action: Develop a sudden allergy to brassicas. Request a substitution mission. Feign dramatic reaction if questioned.
"You're really bad at making up diseases."
Hey, you're the one who convinced people you were allergic to eyebrows.
Fair point.
I trudged down to the mission desk, scowling at every leafy green I passed on the way. A cabbage cart rolled past and I pressed myself flat against a wall like it was carrying a ticking time bomb.
A nearby Chuunin gave me a weird look.
"New stealth technique?"
"Survival instinct," I muttered.
At the desk, the same old mission clerk grinned as soon as he saw me.
"Kaito! You're just in time for a nice easy escort mission."
"Actually," I said, trying to summon my inner actor, "I've… recently developed a dangerous allergy to, uh… brassica. Severe. Life-threatening."
He frowned. "Brassica?"
"Cabbages. Broccoli. Cauliflower. Brussels sprouts. I so much as smell one, and I'll drop dead right there."
The man blinked. "That's… oddly specific."
Ding!
Social Reputation Decreased: -5 Respect with Mission Clerk.
The screen popped up like a smug little jerk.
But it worked. The old man sighed and scratched off my name.
"Fine. You get… let's see… oh, cleaning graffiti duty by the training grounds."
I sighed in relief. "I'll take it."
Ding!
Death Flag Status: Cleared for morning. Next potential incident: Afternoon.
I felt like I'd just cheated death for the tenth time this week. Probably because I had.
I grabbed the mission scroll and turned to leave when Haruto came sprinting toward me again, waving something in his hand.
"Papa, look what I found!"
It was a head of cabbage.
"WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT!?"
"Some lady gave it to me for helping her carry groceries!"
I slapped the cabbage out of his hand so fast I felt like Might Guy for a second.
Ding!
Death Flag Risk: 2% spike avoided.
"Never pick up strange vegetables, Haruto! How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Aw man, you're no fun."
I knelt and grabbed his shoulders. "Listen to me, son. In this world, vegetables kill people. Don't trust them. Don't eat them. Don't even look at them too long."
He blinked up at me. "Is this a ninja thing?"
"…Yes."
"Cool."