Morning in Konoha was usually peaceful. Birds chirped. The breeze was cool. The sun peeked out like a shy kid at a new school.
Not for me.
I woke up to the familiar, soul-crushing Ding!
BNPP (Bad News Plot Protection) System:
Good morning, Host! New Death Flag detected!
I groaned, pulling the blanket over my head like it was a seal against evil spirits. "It's not even breakfast yet, you bastard."
Current Death Flag:
High potential for fatal bludgeoning via Dango Skewer Incident.
I froze. "What… what even is a dango skewer incident?"
BNPP:
Recommended Action: Avoid Mitarashi Anko for the next 6 hours.
"Wait, what? What'd I even do to Anko?!"
BNPP:
System predicts random encounter probability based on accumulated bad luck and narrative convenience.
"Damn it."
Haruto came skipping into the room, his hair sticking up in every direction. "Papa, wake up! You promised we'd feed the Ninken at the Inuzuka compound today!"
Oh. Right. D-Rank mission. Feeding ninja dogs. Should be simple. Should be.
Ding!
Note: Probability of Death Flag triggering increased by 42% when leaving residence.
I ignored it. I had to work, didn't I? I couldn't just stay indoors hiding from death flags all day.
…Could I?
Nah. Haruto would get bored and try to climb the Hokage Monument again. Last time, Iruka nearly had a heart attack.
"Alright, kiddo. Let's go. But if you see a kunoichi in a tan trench coat with a big grin and dango in her hand, we run."
Haruto blinked. "Why?"
"Because your old man's allergic to getting skewered."
The walk to the Inuzuka compound was blessedly normal.
No falling signs, no stray kunai, no ominous music in the background.
I was starting to think I might dodge today's death flag after all.
We made it to the compound where a bunch of slobbering Ninken greeted us like long-lost chew toys.
"Alright, listen up, pups," I called out. "Today's menu is premium leftovers from last night's Akimichi buffet. You eat it, you don't bite me. Deal?"
The dogs barked in agreement.
Haruto giggled. "They like you, Papa."
"Good. Because I'm one meat bun away from being broke."
As I poured scraps into giant bowls, one of the dogs — a tiny pug named Goromaru — trotted up and dropped something at my feet.
A dango skewer.
I stared at it.
Ding!
Warning: Unknown status anomaly triggered. Chance of death by skewer increased by 13%.
"Oh come on!"
I carefully, like it was an explosive tag, picked it up with two fingers.
"Where did you get this, boy?" I asked.
Goromaru wagged his tail.
Ding!
Anko approaching. Estimated arrival: 3 minutes.
Panic.
I turned to Haruto. "Mission's over. Grab your stick collection, we're moving."
"But Papa—!"
"No time!"
I bolted down the street, dragging my confused five-year-old behind me.
"Why are we running?!" he shouted.
"Because death wears a trench coat and eats sweets!"
We rounded a corner and nearly smacked into Iruka.
"Kaito-san?" Iruka blinked, eyeing my frazzled appearance. "Is… everything alright?"
"No time, Iruka-sensei!" I gasped. "If Anko asks, you haven't seen me!"
"I—wait, what?"
I ducked into an alley as Anko's cheerful humming drifted from the main street.
"Iruka~ Have you seen that old Genin idiot with the weird kid?"
Iruka, bless his soul, hesitated just long enough.
"Uh… I think he was heading toward the training grounds?"
Anko's sandals clacked as she left, and I peeked out.
Ding!
Death Flag temporarily avoided.
I slumped against the wall.
"Papa… you okay?"
"No, son," I wheezed. "Your dad's in a constant battle with narrative inevitability."
Haruto patted my shoulder. "You're weird."
"Better weird than skewered."
I checked the system.
Alternate Fate Preview Available. Use now? (Y/N)
Nah. Not yet. I was riding a lucky streak now.
We snuck our way home like two fugitive squirrels. I even managed to avoid a merchant selling suspiciously shiny kunai — prime flag material.
Finally safe inside, I threw myself onto the futon.
Ding!
Death Flag postponed. Next potential fatality: Afternoon.
I grinned. "Victory, baby."
Haruto raised an eyebrow. "You say that every time, and then you die in the vision."
"Optimism, son. You gotta cling to it."