It began, like all good disasters, with an innocent sentence.
"You must bathe in fire with me, my beloved," said Drakana, voice like molten gold wrapped in crimson silk.
Rei blinked.
He had just woken up. He still had toast in his mouth. The sun hadn't even fully risen.
"I'm sorry," he said, after chewing. "Could you run that by me again? I thought I heard 'bathe in fire,' but surely that's just my morning trauma acting up."
"You heard correctly," Drakana said with a proud fangy grin. "It is the Rite of Flamebound Purification. A sacred bonding tradition among dragonkin. Today is the perfect day."
"Oh no."
"Yes, yes!" she beamed, slamming a clawed hand onto the table, splintering it in half. "I even polished my scales!"
System Notification:
New Mission: "Dragonfire Date (Warning: Not OSHA Compliant)"
Objective: Survive Drakana's Flamebath Ritual without becoming a crispy ex-fiancé.
Reward: +1 Resistance to Hot Women.
Failure: +1 Ash Pile.
"System, please, for once, say no," Rei muttered.
System Response: Consent registered. Participation locked. You're toast. (Pun very much intended.)
Twenty minutes later, Rei stood before what could only be described as a volcano-themed love sauna.
In the backyard.
Of the estate.
Because Drakana had terraformed it.
Lava trickled over rose quartz stones. Steam hissed into the sky like tortured tea kettles. The air shimmered with heat and unholy intimacy.
Drakana stepped forward, wearing… well, nothing but fire-resistant dragon embroidery and confidence.
"This is madness," Rei whispered.
"This is bonding," she corrected. "We share heat. Our auras intertwine. Our fates meld."
"You're going to roast me like a sentient marshmallow."
"Oh hush, you'll love it." She reached for his shirt. "Let's begin."
"I choose life!" Rei shrieked, turned on his heel, and sprinted across the garden like a man on fire—prematurely.
Drakana gave chase, wings flaring, tail swinging like a war banner of romantic doom.
"Come back!" she called gleefully. "It only hurts for the first minute! Or three!"
"I already took a hot shower this week!" he yelled. "I'm clean, hygienic, and emotionally damaged enough!"
Rei's panic led him to the only safe water source within sprinting distance: the koi pond.
He didn't hesitate. He leapt.
And landed with a splash among sparkling lilies, gold-glinting fish, and oddly ethereal music.
For one glorious second, he thought he'd done it. Escaped. Survived. Doused.
Then the koi turned.
Literally.
Their heads swiveled toward him in sync. Their eyes glowed pink. One of them fluttered her fins and spoke.
"Yes, my prince."
Rei froze. "What the hell."
Another koi floated closer, batting her eyelashes—which she had, inexplicably.
"You've entered the Pool of Affection. The magic compels us. Marry me, landwalker."
System Notification:
Hidden Area Discovered: Enchanted Koi Courting Grounds.
Warning: All inhabitants are aggressively flirty.
Rei backpedaled. "Oh no. Not fish. I draw the line at fish."
One koi named Mizu swirled around him, drawing hearts in the water with her tail.
"You understand my soul," she whispered.
Another koi launched herself up and kissed his cheek with a splash. "I have waited seven hundred years for this day."
A third offered a bouquet of lotus petals. "Say yes, and we'll build a nest beneath the lily pads."
Rei looked up.
Drakana hovered above the pond, arms crossed, tail twitching. Her eyes glowed with possessive fury.
"Oh," she said slowly. "So this is what betrayal tastes like."
Rei lifted both hands. "This is not betrayal! This is self-preservation! They're fish!"
"Flirtatious fish," she growled. "They're hitting on my future husband."
"I didn't flirt back! I didn't even flirt sideways!"
One koi blew him a bubble heart.
System Notification:
Koi Affection: 93%
Danger Level: Wet but Fatal
Drakana's mouth opened.
Rei knew what was coming.
Flame.
He dove.
The pond exploded in a boiling geyser of steam and scales.
Rei flailed underwater, surrounded by swirling hearts and ominous koi harmonics.
"I will duel them," Drakana hissed above the surface.
"They're fish, Drakana!"
"Then it will be an easy win."
"WHY ARE YOU JEALOUS OF FISH?!"
"One tried to nibble your earlobe!"
Rei surfaced gasping. "That's how they show curiosity!"
"I'll show them curiosity," she snarled, brandishing her claws like sabers.
Meanwhile, the other girls appeared on the scene, drawn by the steam and shouting.
Seraphina: "Oh my, is this a steam-based proposal ritual?"
Lilia: "Why is he in the pond? Did someone else schedule the wedding ceremony?"
Rosette: (Knives drawn) "Target acquired. Multiple fish threats. Executing underwater elimination."
Faye: "I brought snacks."
Rei, dripping and frothing, swam to the edge.
"This isn't what it looks like," he pleaded. "I didn't propose to the koi. They proposed to me!"
Faye blinked. "Polygamy with aquatic life?"
"I said no!"
One koi surfaced and batted her fins seductively. "Not yet."
System Notification:
Proposal Count Today: 6
Proposal Type: Amphibious
Legal Status: …Unclear
Lilia clasped her hands. "We should expand the marriage ceremony to include koi blessings!"
Rosette nodded. "Fish wedding cake is easy to make. I can fillet the guests."
Rei began to scream internally. Then externally. "I just wanted to take a normal bath!!"
Drakana leapt into the pond, lava-steam hissing around her as she tackled him back under.
"Then do it properly," she whispered in his ear. "With me."
Twenty minutes later, Rei lay on a pile of towels, completely soggy, surrounded by five smug women and several flirty koi singing ancient fish hymns.
He was traumatized.
"System," he mumbled. "Can I die for five minutes? Just five."
System Notification:
No. But here's a boiled egg.
A perfectly cooked egg fell from the sky and bounced off his head.
Eris appeared in the steam, sipping a koi-shaped cocktail.
"You're making excellent progress," she said. "Each chapter brings you closer to romantic enlightenment… or institutionalization."
"Please pick the second."
"Sorry, already bought your love coffin. It's heart-shaped."
Rei closed his eyes.
The koi began harmonizing again.
One wore a tiny veil.
And Drakana, ever so lovingly, whispered, "We'll try fire again tomorrow, my sweet."
"Yay," Rei said weakly. "Third-degree burns are so romantic."
To be continued…