She came back with a tray and eyes ever so caring, ever so gentle. I didn't think I'd see her like that in a long time. This was God's miracle.
She attached it on the bathtub in front of me, as I propped myself up to eat.
She had cooked home-made pizza, added chocolate dipped strawberries, my favourite fruity drink, and an ice cream sandwich.
I whispered a thank you, as I watched her pick up my clothes and getting me pajamas that matched with hers then she turned to leave. Instinctively I grabbed her wrist, she, shocked, looked back at me with a question on her face.
"Don't go. Stay, please." My voice is low and hoarse.
She went to the bathroom cabinet and grabbed a foldable chair and sat next to me. I held her hand and never let go, nor my eyes looking away from her, except for the occasional eating.
After the bath, the food and a desperately needed massage, we were in bed. She slept further away from me, closer to the edge, something she never stopped doing even after we got married.
"I don't know, my body kinda has this survival thing. Like as soon as it senses hostility, it moves to protect me. Let me know I'm safe in an unsafe environment." she told me once, after making up from our first big fight.
That's what she felt right now, unsafe.
I don't blame her. I've broken her heart more than I've healed it.
Let her in.
I reached for her waist, tucking gently, she didn't flinch, she softened her body, allowing me to pull her in.
"You forgive me?" I asked, kissing the back of her neck.
Her sweet spot, her weakness.
She turned and faced me with a tenderness that was almost tangible. My eyes felt wet.
"Forgive me. I apologise for making our home another war zone you had to step into. I know you fight a good battle, every single day. And whether it's victory or loss, you've never failed in finding your way back home. Back to me. Which I am forever grateful for." she said, cupping my face.
I tried to say something but I choked.
"We don't have to talk tonight." she whispered, catching a tear I didn't even know escaped.
Her arms cradled me, pulling me into her, as if she had known that everything I thought I had together, was breaking.
I wept on the base of her throat.
I felt no shame.
I felt no guilt.
And I most definitely didn't feel weak, nor less of a man.