There are but two roads
That lead to an important goal
And doing of great things:
Strength and Perseverance.
Combatants remaining: 64
"Who are you then?"
I am part of that power
Which eternally wills good
And eternally works evil.
Remaining Days: 6
It's too early. The alarm hasn't gone off yet, but I cannot stay in bed much longer. Whenever I doze off, I see Shinji's face, but not the way I met him here. Instead, he was the same, but younger; probably the way he looks in the real world.
He is crying, clinging to my skirt, or my arm, begging me to make the pain stop. Begging for mercy, as he slowly disappears, crying out in pain. And then, with a loud yell, he's gone and my eyes open, my heart rate speeds up and tears dwell up.
I don't know how often I woke up like this, but at this point I think I'm better off not sleeping at all. I'm glad Saber is still fast asleep, I wouldn't want to worry her more. I run my fingertips softly over her cheek. I tried, Saber. I really did. I'm sorry.
I get up and get dressed, leaving the private room. It's too early for any class to be attended, and honestly, I don't think I would be able to listen either way. I'll be ditching my classes today, just like most other Masters do. It feels even more of a farce now.
Actually, I would be glad to not meet anyone today. This reminds me of the rooftop—it's usually empty, no one would go there.
I walk up the stairs and sit down on the highest spot, looking down. A few Masters are walking around, talking to each other. If I didn't know this is a tournament to death, where half the participants already died, this would seem like just a usual school. But it's not.
Everyone here is a murderer by now, and I'm not different.
I'm even pretty sure that I'm one of the worst here, I killed a child. A helpless, naïve child, who didn't even know he was betting his life in this 'game'.
"Ritsuka? What are you doing here?" Of course… Rin is mostly seen around here, so it makes sense to meet her here, even though I'd rather not. I won't face her.
"Nothing much, just a bit relaxing."
There's silence, and she sits down next to me.
"That's a lie." She looks at me and I look at her back, her eyes widening slightly in small shock. "You… What's wrong?" The worry in her voice sounds so sincere, but I can't bring myself to care so much.
"I'm a murderer and I killed a child, that's all," I state as a matter of fact. Rin's expression softens. "I see, so you found out." I cock my head at her.
"Shinji is… well, was a known genius in hacking. It was a game for him, no matter how illegal his doings. A child won't be legally punished, you see?" She takes a breath. "He also liked to mod computer games, most of which he modded himself. He bragged a lot about his mods, online. They were popular, too, which just gave him this cocky attitude."
I just listen in silence. There is so much I didn't know about his life, and yet I took it. I'm the worst.
"He got into the Moon Cell, so he… should have been prepared. Masters supposedly know the risk it bears, excluding you. It's not your fault he ignored the warnings." I sigh deeply.
"As a child, would you have thought such a 'game' could take your real life?"
Rin falls silent. "Probably. This world is cruel." This came unexpected. While I don't remember a thing from before I gained consciousness in the Moon Cell, this seems too fictional. But it makes sense. 128 Masters, excluding me, 127 people preferred an almost certain death in a virtual world over staying alive.
It can't possibly be only adrenaline junkies here. There must be a reason for them, each of them must have a wish that would be worth their own death, and should it be granted the deaths of over a hundred other people. Maybe the real world is much more of a nightmare.
"Just so you know, he would have died either way. His cheap tricks wouldn't have worked well on any experienced Master, and no one would have shown mercy. If not you, I might have killed him."
This takes a while to sink in. Maybe his death wasn't avoidable. But why was mine?
Rin proceeds to pull me into an embrace. "Don't beat yourself up over it, I'm glad you survived." This puts a faint smile on my face. This makes it two people who are glad that it wasn't me who gave her life.
"If you get out of the Moon Cell, make sure to give the Matou family my sincere apologies… Please."
Rin promises me to do so.
She sends me off to rest in my private room, and lean onto my Servant's shoulder for comfort. I agree and make my way back down the stairs, where I bump into an older man, clad in green armour. He looks like a knight… Is he a Servant?
Before I can apologise, he holds his hand towards me, planning to help me up. "Oh, we have met before, haven't we? Last week," he says. Now I remember him. He had a minor argument with Shinji in front of the chapel, when I walked out with Saber.
I nod at him and grab his hand so he can help me up. "I'm sorry, for bumping into you."
He shakes his head. "It is alright, I can see your mind is elsewhere." I bite my bottom lip. "I can imagine how hard it is, but you should not fret. Take your time, but don't let this poison your thoughts."
I'm grateful for this stranger's words. Someone who understands the feeling, who seems like he knows, from own experience, that this guilt will fade. "Excuse my manners—I forgot to introduce myself. I am Dan Blackmore, former knight of the Harway house."
He smiles at me grandfatherly as he introduces himself. But… Harway? So, he worked for Leo? And he is a real knight. I shake his hand. "Ritsuka Fujimaru, pleased to meet you, Mr. Blackmore," I return his politeness.
"Just Dan is fine. However, I must take my leave—I will be looking forward to a well-mannered opponent."
Dan disappears in the hallway, leaving me confused. But this is a matter for another time, first I want to rest for today in my private room.
"Where have you been? You haven't been in your classroom," Saber sulks. She caught me ditching.
"I've been on the rooftop." Lying to her makes no sense. We need a base of trust, after all, considering she is my partner.
"I know you haven't really slept, but just leaving?"
How can she know?
"But, you were fast asleep?" She sighs in apparent frustration.
"I notice when you pull me closer or suddenly are completely gone. And I notice when you're thrashing around all night, how could I really sleep then?" Oh.
"I'm sorry, Saber… I didn't mean to keep you up."
I rub my eyes, despite the night being too dreading to make me even want to sleep again, I'm still tired. And exhausted. "That's not the point, Master! You should wake me when you can't sleep." I wince at the harshness in her words.
"Next time I will. I promise."
"Good. And now get yourself into the bed, you'll catch up on the sleep you missed tonight. I'll be watching." That idea sounds health-wise good for me, but she can't be serious.
"No way. That would be boring, wouldn't it?" Saber shrugs.
"Otherwise we would get killed by small fry. I bet you haven't even checked the bulletin board for our next opponent yet." I gulp. I forgot. Rather, I didn't want to remember I'll have another opponent I am supposed to kill… who will otherwise kill me. I feel sick again.
"I-I didn't mean it like this," Saber immediately feels bad pointing it out. I wipe off the new tears.
"I know… I know. I just can't help it." Saber pushes me down on the bed.
"Just… rest. We can figure it out tomorrow… Leave it to me, okay?" I smile.
Saber has such a caring side to her, almost unexpected but I feel a bit more at ease. I close my eyes, hopefully for at least some useful rest, as Saber sits down next to me on the bed, reluctantly grabbing and holding my hand.
Tomorrow we'll have to catch up on what I failed to do today.