Aftermatch
I notice the soft surface I am on, a faint greenish light emitting from my right hand, merely millimetres away from my Servant's skin. Ah, I'm healing her…
How I got back into our room is but a blur. A distant memory. I know basically what happened—Saber supporting me out of the Arena, my legs refusing to move. I think they still do. Rin helped her, together they brought me here.
But that's all. I know the talked, but I couldn't make out the words. Well, I could, at that time, but I'm unable to recall it, I didn't process anything from the moment the battle ended to now. I just remember one thing clearly: I killed a person. A child. My hands are blood-stained, even if just figuratively.
"It's not your fault." Spoken softly, these words catch my attention. Ah… Saber is talking to me. I'm not sure what she means. Of course… She's referring to the battle earlier. The image of Shinji's face right before he vanished comes into my mind.
I feel like throwing up, holding my mouth shut with my hands instinctively.
"He called out for me," I whisper. He called out for my help. His face showed unadulterated fear . An eight years old child shouldn't die like this. A child shouldn't be killed in such a deathmatch tournament.
"There was nothing you could have done…" From a rational point of view, I know that's true. I do. But I can't help blaming myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. This is too much, I can't face this anymore.
Suddenly, Saber pulls me into a tight embrace. "Rin is worried about you, you know. Don't beat yourself up like this," she says. Someone is worried about a murderer like me? But, since Rin is still around, she is probably a murderer as well. Who knows, Saber might be one, too.
"Easier said than done." I can't just 'cheer up' or stop worrying about this. "He was a child."
Saber sighs deeply. She realises that's hard to swallow. I feel a small wetness on my shoulder. Is my Servant… Is Saber crying? Before I can look at her, she's rubbing her eyes with her arm. "I'm sorry, Master. I don't know what to tell you," she looks… frustrated.
She is trying so hard to get me through this. "I know it's rough. Just… please. Be your usual self again…" Saber's voice cracks. I would have never expected her to care this much about me. I can't let her down…
The next round starts tomorrow. "I'll try," I kiss her on the cheek. It's not exactly easy and I'm not sure how much fruit my "try" will bear but I don't want to see my Servant like this. Looking worrisome, on the verge of crying doesn't suit her.
Her mood lightens up upon hearing that from me, though the little intimacy flushes her cheeks slightly.
"But, one thing… Can you keep your arms around me tonight?" I don't exactly know why, but I feel like this would help me catch some sleep, despite the circumstances. Saber clears her throat.
"I-if you really need me to, I suppose there's no harm."
She's a petite girl, compared to me, and yet, in her arms, I feel protected and, most importantly, welcomed .
Tomorrow is going to come, whether I'm ready or not.