Following the nurse's advice, I took a few days off from school to relax. Returning to school after that phone call, I didn't know how to face Lilly. I just did what I did best: I built my walls high and withdrew.
I don't know if this is the result of just being shy, anxious, or some kind of mystical cosmic thing like being an Aquarius. They say that those born under the Aquarius sign are very emotional. They can be very affectionate and caring, but can just as easily close you off without looking twice.
Day after day, I would sit away from Lilly in public speaking, I stopped joining her at the archway, and I would keep my eyes down and head low whenever she walked by.
Every time she waved at me, I'd just smile and wave back. Nothing more.
Was I being harsh?
I was just giving her space and letting her be.
-----
On the last day before school let out for the semester and Christmas break, Lilly managed to pull me aside after school to talk.
"Hey, Alfie, wait." She smiled. "Want to join me for a smoke?"
I really couldn't resist. It was almost Christmas after all.
"Sure." I nodded and smiled. I was still struggling to make eye contact with her.
Lilly and I crossed the street and made our way away from the school grounds.
Many of the students would walk through the alleys to enjoy a smoke during lunch hour or whenever they needed that quick escape.
Lilly fumbled around her bag trying to find and dig out her cigarettes. I quickly offered Lilly one of the cigarettes I had stolen from my mom.
She happily took the cigarette. "How've you been holding up?" Lilly asked sincerely.
I held the unlit cigarette resting on my lips and shrugged. "I've been ok. Just... taking things easy. You know, the usual."
"Mhmm." Lilly fell silent for a brief moment. "You know... you've been cold with me."
I still couldn't look at her. "I know... I...I was just...giving you space."
"Hmm." Her cigarette remained unlit and hanging on her lips. She gestured for me to give her a light.
"Oh." I followed Lilly's lead and touched the tip of my cigarette with hers and lit them simultaneously with the lighter I had.
I finally made eye contact and saw pain in those green eyes of hers. Her sharp glare intensified by the glow of her cigarette igniting.
"You didn't have to cut me out the way you did, Alfie," Lilly said coldly. "I liked the way we were...the way before all that..."
I quickly cut her off. "I know. I know. Me too." I took a drag of my cigarette and kicked a small pebble out of the way as we started to stroll down the vacant alleys with their graffiti-covered walls.
"I probably ruined it," I muttered.
Lilly sighed and lightly punched me on the shoulder. "No, Goofball. You didn't ruin anything. I still want to be your friend." She sighed. "You just...made things complicated."
I laughed as a plume of smoke exhaled. "At least now you know how I feel." I nodded.
"Mhmm." Lilly took a drag. "Alfie, look. It's okay to express yourself. It's also okay to be rejected. Just don't beat yourself up and let things build up the way you do. It's seriously going to kill you someday." Her concern for me was sincere.
I hung my head low in silence. The irony that something other than smoking would kill me without notice set in.
"Hey, hold on a sec. I got something for you." Lilly smiled warmly.
"Oh?"I stopped walking to see Lilly digging into her bag.
"The other day when I went to the mall, I saw something that made me think of you for a few reasons. Consider this my Christmas gift to you." Lilly pulled out a Ty Beanie Baby hedgehog.
"Oh my God. Is that...A hedgehog? Aww." My eyes widened.
She placed the Beanie Baby in my hand and giggled.
My thumb stroked the velvet fabric of the hedgehog's nose and moved onto the woolly texture of the backside that was supposed to be its quills.
She smiled. "Remember when you snuck your hedgehog into school our 8th grade year? I thought it was the cutest thing I've ever seen."
A broken smile crossed my face as I held the little plushie to my chest, remembering my old pet. "I also remember how you convinced some boys that we found a group of hedgehogs in the cactus patch, and this was one that I caught." I chuckled.
Lilly giggled while exhaling a plume of smoke. "And those idiots actually went looking for them and got stuck with a bunch of thorns." She laughed. "God. I was such a bitch."
"Was?" I teased playfully.
She quickly scolded me. "Hey! Want me to take it back?"
"No. No." I instantly cradled the little toy into my chest protectively. "It's mine now. No take-backs."
Lilly giggled. "Well then."
"And what was the other reason?" I looked at her curiously.
She shook her head and giggled. "That hedgehog is pretty much you. The moment you become frightened, you just...ball up and surround yourself with spikes."
My emotions started to pile up because of the memories and what she had said. Lilly really didn't deserve the way I had treated her.
"But ...I didn't get you anything?"I said softly.
"No. You already did get me something." Lilly took a good drag of the cigarette.
"This past semester was a blast. You took me to homecoming! That's something I thought I would never have gone to. You got us those tacky Mums, introduced me to Capettos." She playfully tapped my shoulder. "Plus, I got someone else to watch Friends with, and another smoking buddy."
I looked up from the hedgehog to see her smile and nodded. "Thank you."
The smile on her face let me know everything was going to be okay between us. "Just remember, we're friends. Just like Joey and Monica." She giggled. "It's not going to work."
"Which Monica? Lewinsky?" I joked.
She quickly kicked my shin. "No! Fucker!"
"Ahh!" I flinched.
We both started to laugh uncontrollably and choke on our cigarettes. After we calmed down from the childlike behavior, she got sincere again.
"So, what's next semester looking like for you?" Lilly asked.
"Well..." I took a big drag and exhaled. "If the Y2K doesn't wipe everything out, I'm going to have to take night school classes. I failed Algebra 2 and US History."
"Eek." Lilly grimaced.
"And with me getting ready to turn 16, my church confirmation classes start." I stretched my arms out as if begging god for mercy.
"That sucks!" She crossed her arms. "You're really serious about that monk thing, aren't you?"
"I don't know. Maybe." I still had doubts in myself and what the future truly held. "My Grandpa is for it. He's a big member of the church, and I'm one of the Matachine dancers. He figured I'd be the one family member to take that next step and become ordained." I shrugged. "What about you?"
She nodded. "Well, unlike you, I passed all my classes and don't need to double down on school work." Lilly flaunted. "I will also be starting the graphic arts program at the Technical learning center. So there's that."
"No shit. You're going to Tech?" I looked in awe. "I think you'd be a kickass graphic designer."
"That's the plan," Lilly said proudly.
I hadn't even thought about a career goal. My only goal now is surviving high school.
Our cigarettes were close to burning down to the filter. Lilly had a mischievous smirk on her face. "Do you know what I hated about the new Star Wars movie?"
I stood there thinking about it with the cigarette barely hanging on my lip. "What? Jar-Jar Binks?"
"The lasers! PEW!" Lilly flicked that last ember of her cigarette at me.
I jumped wildly, seeing that bright red spark streak through the air towards me. I flicked mine back at her, copying that same laser sound.
Lilly was laughing as I chased after her down the alley and making our way back to the school to wait for our rides.
We were breathing heavy as we were using every bit of air laughing.
"Anyways. I've got to get going. The bus is here." Lilly sighed and went to join the line.
I gave her a wave as she loaded up. "Enjoy your Christmas and maybe the New Year. I'll see you afterwards if we survive Y2K."
"Pfft." Lilly giggled and shook her head. "Take care of yourself, Goofball."
-----------------
In the end, Lilly and I agreed it was better that we just stayed friends. Why try to change something that was already working the way things were?
Maybe my princess is in another castle, and I just need to keep looking.
1999, it's been swell. You've been a year to remember.
Bring on the new Millennium.