Linger
Coming to school that next morning, I was damned and determined, anxious, excited, and everything in between.
I lost sleep and spent all morning at swim practice compiling what I wanted to say to her.
Walking into campus after practice, I had Lilly's half of the portraits neatly stacked in a packet, ready to deliver them to her.
The moment I saw her in the hallway, my heart started to beat faster. The thoughts of finally sharing my feelings I've been holding back for so long were becoming a blur.
Lilly gave me a nod when she saw me approach her with the packet. "Special delivery for me?" She clapped in excitement.
A warm smile stretched across my face as I handed the packet into her hand. "I took the time to cut out the sizes and organize them for you."
"You didn't have to." She giggled as she peered into the packet to see all of the portraits in order from smallest to largest size.
"I really wanted to." I shrugged.
What I really wanted to do was to tell her right then and there, but the words were bound to the tip of my tongue.
We carried on a conversation as we casually did while shifting away from the classwork. With the semester nearing its end and Christmas around the corner, stress was really high for everyone.
Lilly was talking about how she was going with a group of friends to the mall to hang out and get gift ideas for Christmas. All I was able to do was sit there, unable to get the words I wanted to say. My stomach was feeling in knots, my head was feeling light, and I was feeling my pulse throbbing at my neck. "Lilly, I...."
"Hmm?" Lilly paused for a moment. Her eyes stared into mine with such intensity that it had me stunned.
I knew all her attention was locked on me at that moment. "I...". The thoughts were piling up high like a traffic jam during rush hour. My vision started to blur before I was able to say anything else. " I...I'm... not...feeling well."
I stood up and walked out of the class. My chest tightened, making it difficult to breathe, and my body felt heavier than normal as I made my way to the infirmary.
To tell you the truth, even now I don't even remember walking down there. Everything was a blank.
--------
The infirmary was quiet and calm. The only sounds I heard were my shallow breathing and pulse still pounding in my ear. The nurse had checked my vitals and asked me a few questions.
"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"
"Why can't I just express myself? Why must I be so God damn closed off?"
"Alfie?"
The nurse had peered in to check on me. She found me with my hands covering my face, trying to block out all the lights.
I answered back with a simple hum.
She had taken a seat by the bed. "Have you ever had a panic attack?"
"Panic attack?"(What the fuck?) I dropped my hands from my face and turned to face her. "I...don't think so?"
"No?" The nurse had composed herself to talk seriously to me. "Okay. Well, I believe you may have just experienced one. Your heart rate was very elevated, your blood pressure was a bit high, and you were breathing rapidly. This can happen when under a lot of stress. Have you ever seen a doctor for this?"
I shook my head.
My family avoided doctors unless it was a life-threatening emergency. Everything else was handled by Mom, from a simple headache to severe food poisoning.
Hell, she had a remedy for everything.
The nurse had no idea how stressed I really was with everything I had on my plate. She had called my mother to pick me up and suggested I should get some rest and relax.
The rest of the day I spent lying in my bed and feeling defeated. Mom kept having me drink a mix of herbs like chamomile to help me relax. She always preferred natural herbs over pharmaceuticals. A traditional Mexican curandera (healing woman).
Hopefully, this will help me sleep and make me forget that any of this ever happened.
------
That evening, I heard the phone ring and my mom answered. Moments later, she came into my room with the phone in her hand. "Mijo. It's that Lilly girl." She passed the phone to me.
Alfie: "Hello?"
Lilly: "Hey, Alfie. Just checking if you're ok."
Alfie: "Mhmm." I nodded.
My mom had given me a look full of judgment before walking out and closing the door.
Lilly: "You looked really pale. What happened?"
Alfie: (I chuckled lowly)."I apparently had a panic attack."
Lilly: "A panic attack!? What the fuck?"
That seems to have been everyone's response to hearing the word panic attack. Me, my mom, my sister, and now Lilly.
Alfie: "Yeah. It's really dumb and kinda scary. Nurse pretty much sent me home to chillax."
Lilly: "Jeez. You really had us all worried. You just up and left."
Alfie: (I sighed deeply.) "I know. It was just...one of those things."
Lilly: "Are you going to be ok, though?"
Alfie: "Oh yeah. Peachy. Probably gonna be put on some meds, maybe some therapy or counseling or something. Yay."
Lilly: "Pfft. Goofball. At least you still got your humor and sarcasm."
I smiled and sighed, feeling very relaxed and somewhat dazed. Whatever it was mom was having me drink was really doing something.
Alfie: "Hey, Lilly. There was something I just really wanted to tell you today in school."
Lilly: " Sure. What's up?"
Alfie: "Did you know...I had a crush on you in the 6th grade?"
Lilly: "Alfie." Lilly's tone had changed from her usual perky self. "I... already knew this."
Alfie: "You did?" I quickly sat up. "I probably didn't hide it well. Did I?"
Lilly: "No. You really didn't." She giggled.
Alfie: "And...You know we've been friends for about as long and..."
Lilly: "Okay...Alfie...stop right there," she interrupted quickly. "Where are you going with this?"
Alfie: "I want to be more than friends."
Lilly let out a deep sigh and fell silent.
I bit my lip and clenched my fist tightly. Her silence felt ominous, and I knew in my heart I may have just messed up. I took a deep breath and let out a sigh.
Alfie: "Lilly?"
She still didn't respond, but I could still hear her breathing over the phone.
Alfie: "I...umm..I understand if you don't feel the same way." I sighed even deeper.
Lilly: "It's not that, Alfie." She was starting to sound flustered. "It's complicated."
It was making me feel self-conscious.
Alfie: Is it how I look?
Was I too fat?
Did I stink?
Lilly: It's not that either.
Alfie: Then what is it?!
Lilly: "You're too nice!" She shouted in frustration.
"You're too nice, Alfie."
Nice? How is that a bad thing?
I immediately fell silent.
Lilly: "I'm being honest here. I'm most likely going to end up hurting you one way or another if we did become more than friends...and that's something I don't want to do."
Alfie: Oh.
Her words really struck me to my core. I remained silent and let her words sink in.
Lilly: "Please, Alfie..."
I can tell she was becoming frustrated by her tone.
Lilly:(sighs) "You need to understand. I'm a difficult person to be with. Relationships don't last with me because of how I am, because of who I am."
Alfie: But I like who you are.
Lilly: You're just so sweet, and I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to ruin our friendship and lose you as a friend."
Alfie: "I...I understand."
That heavy truth felt like someone had dropped a boulder on my chest. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move.
Lilly: "Don't be sad. Please, Alfie. I don't want this."
Alfie: "I'm not. I get it."
I cleared my throat to not let it crack from the emotions weighing in.
Alfie: "I get it. I don't want to lose you as a friend, either."
There was an audible thud on the phone from Lilly tapping her head with it.
Lilly: (She let out a long sigh.) "Just...Just relax. Okay?"
She was starting to sound a little more concerned. "I care about you, goofball. I don't want you to feel bad about this."
Too late. I was trying my best not to let it sound that way.
Alfie: "Okay."
Lilly: "Okay. It's getting late. You need to get some rest and feel better. We'll talk more at school.
Alfie: "Okay."
(I paused and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.)
Alfie: "Hey Lilly?"
Lilly: "Hmm?"
Alfie: "Thank you for checking up on me."
Lilly: (She let out a soft single giggle.) "Goodnight, Alfie."
Alfie: "Goodnight."
I hung up the phone and let it rest upon my chest.
Lying there and staring blankly at the ceiling, I felt as if expressing myself to her had already put unwanted tension into our friendship.
This was all a big mistake.
Did I just ruin our friendship? I don't know how I can talk to Lilly in person after all that.