Coming to school that next morning I was damned and determined. I lost sleep and spent all morning at swim practice compiling what I wanted to say to her. I was anxious , excited and everything in between. I was walking into campus after practice with Lilly's half of the portraits neatly stacked in an packet and I was ready to deliver them to her.
The moment I saw her in the hallway, my heart started to beat faster. The thought of finally sharing my feelings was racing so fast, it became a blur.
Lilly gave me a nod when she saw me approach her with the packet. "Special delivery for me?" She clapped in excitement.
A warm smile stretched across my face as I handed the packet into her hand. "I took the time to cut out the sizes and organize them for you."
"Goofball. You didn't have to." She giggled as she peered into the packet to see all of the portraits in order from smallest to largest size.
"I really wanted to." I shrugged. What I really wanted to do was to tell her right then and there, but the words were bound to the tip of my tongue.
During our public speaking class, we carried on a conversation as we casually did while shifting away from the classwork. With the semester nearing its end and Christmas around the corner, stress was really high for everyone.
Lilly was talking about how she was going with a group of friends to the mall to hangout and get gift ideas for Christmas. All I was able to do is sit there unable to get the words I wanted to say. My stomach was feeling in knots, my head was feeling light and I was feeling my pulse ponding at my neck. "Lilly, I...."
Lilly paused for a moment. Her eyes stared into mine with such intensity that it had me stunned.
I knew all attention was locked on me at moment. "I...". The thoughts were piling up high like a traffic jam during rush hour. My vision started to blur before I was able to say anything else. " I...I'm... not... feeling well."
Lilly looked very concerned by the way I just stood up and walked out of the class. It became very difficult to breathe and my weight was feeling heavier normally as I made my way to the infirmary.
(To tell you the truth, even now I don't even remember walking down there. Everything was a blank.)
The nurse had checked my vitals and asked me a few questions. After that, she had me lay down for a while and relax
"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" I kept thinking to myself. "Why can't I just express myself? Why must I be so God damn closed off?"
"Alfie?"
The nurse had peered in to check on me. She found me with my hands covering my face trying to block out all the lights.
I answered back with a simple hum.
She had taken a seat by the bed. "Have you ever had a panic attack?"
"Panic attack?" I dropped my hands from my face and turned to face her. This sounded very obscure to me. "I don't think so?"
"No?" The nurse had composed herself to talk seriously to me. "Okay. Well, I believe you have just experienced one. Your heart rate was very elevated, blood pressure was a bit high and you were breathing rapidly. This can happen when under a lot of stress. Have you ever seen a doctor for this?"
I shook my head. My family avoided doctors unless it was a life threatening emergency. Everything else was handled by Mom from a simple headache to severe food poisoning. Hell, she had a remedy for everything.
The nurse really had no idea how stressed I really was with everything I had on my plate. She had called my mother to pick me up and suggested I should get some rest, relax and see a doctor about my anxiety.
The rest of the day I spent Laying in my bed and feeling so defeated. Mom kept having me drink a mix of herbs like chamomile to help me relax. She always preferred natural herbs over pharmaceuticals. A traditional Mexican curandera (healing woman).
That evening I heard The phone ring and my mom answered. Moments later she came into my room with the phone in her hand. "Mijo. It's that Lilly girl." She passed the phone to me.
Alfie: "Hello?"
Lilly: "Hey Alfie. Just checking if you're ok."
Alfie: "Mhmm." I nodded. My mom had given me a look full of judgement before walking out and closing the door.
Lilly: "You looked really pale. What happened?"
Alfie: I chuckled lowly."I apparently had a panic attack."
Lilly: "A panic attack!? What the fuck?"
That seems to have been everyone's response hearing the word panic attack. Me, my mom, my sister, and now Lilly.
Alfie: "Yeah. It was really dumb and kinda scary. Nurse pretty much sent me home to chillax."
Lilly: "Jeez. You really had us all worried. You just up and left."
Alfie: I sighed deeply. "I know. It was just...one of those things."
Lilly: "Are you going to be ok?"
Alfie: "Oh yeah. Peachy. Probably gonna be put on meds, maybe some therapy or counseling or something. Yay."
Lilly: "Pfft. Goofball. At least you still got your humor and sarcasm."
I smiled and sighed feeling very relaxed and somewhat dazed. Whatever it was mom was having me drink was really doing something.
Alfie: "Hey Lilly. I just really wanted to tell you something today in school."
Lilly: " Sure. What's up?"
Alfie: "Did you know...I had a crush on you in the 6th grade?"
Lilly: "Alfie." Lilly's tone had changed from her usual. "I... already knew this."
Alfie: "You did?" I quickly sat up. "I probably didn't hide it well. Did I?"
Lilly: "No. Not really." She giggled
Alfie: "And...You know we've been friends for about as long and.." I was starting to get a bit excited
Lilly: "Okay...Alfie...stop" she interrupted quickly.
Alfie: "I want to be more than friends."
Lilly let out a deep sigh and fell silent.
I bit my lip and clenched my fist tightly. Her silence felt ominous and I knew in my heart I may have just messed up. I took a deep breath and let out sigh.
Alfie: "Lilly?"
She still didn't respond, but could still hear her breathing over the phone.
Alfie: I...I understand if you don't feel the same way." I sighed even deeper.
Lilly: "It's not that Alfie." She was starting to sound very flustered.
Alfie: "Then what is it?" I was beginning to feel very self conscious. Was I too fat and Ugly? Did I stink?
Lilly: "You're too nice!" She shouted in frustration.
"You're too nice, Alfie."
I immediately fell silent.
Lilly: "I'm being very honest here. I'm most likely going to end up hurting you if we did and that's something I don't want to do."
Her words really struck me to my core. I remained silent and letting her words sink in.
Lilly: "Please Alfie..." I can tell she was becoming frustrated by her tone. "Please understand. I am a very difficult person to be with. You're so sweet and I just don't want to hurt you. I don't want to ruin our friendship and lose you as a friend."
Alfie: "I...I understand."
It felt like someone had dropped a boulder on my chest. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move.
Lilly: "Don't be sad. Please, Alfie. I don't want this."
Alfie: "I'm not. I get it." I cleared my throat and tried not to let it crack from emotions weighing in. "I get it. I don't want to lose you as a friend, either."
Lilly: there was an audible thud on the phone from Lilly tapping her head with it. She just let out a long sigh. and. "Just...Just relax. Okay?" She was starting to sound a little more concerned. "I care about you, goofball. I don't want be sad."
I was becoming very emotional and trying my best not to let it sound that way. "Okay."
Lilly: "Okay. It's getting late. Get some rest and we'll talk more at school."
Alfie: "okay." I paused and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down . "Lilly?"
Lilly: "Hmm?"
Alfie: "Thank you."
Lilly: she let out a soft single giggle. "goodnight goofball.
Alfie: goodnight.
I hung up the phone and let it rest upon my chest. Laying there and staring blankly at the ceiling, there were already feelings as if expressing myself to her had already put unwanted tension into our friendship.
I may have just ruined things between us.
I don't know how I can talk to Lilly in person after that.