Unfiltered. Found tucked under his pillow, water-damaged from tears or rain—no one knows.
Page 1I tried to hate you today.
I told myself you were a coward. That you left me in the middle of a war you helped start.But then I remembered your hands.How they shook when you touched me for the first time. How gentle you were with something so breakable.
I can't hate you.
I wish I could.I wish you'd made it easier.But no—You left me with love still blooming in my chest and nowhere to put it.
Page 2A poem written in all lowercase.
i dreamt of youagainyour voice came back firstall cracked and warmlike firewood on winter skin
you asked if i missed youand i woke up chokingon your name
because yesgod yesand it's killing me
Page 3After visiting Cas's old apartment.
It still smells like you.Cinnamon and clove and regret.
I touched your shirt. It was still hanging behind the door. I don't know why I expected it to feel different. I thought maybe it would scream, or collapse, or smell like absence.
But it was just a shirt.
You're really gone, aren't you?
Page 4Rage entry. Words are scratched out and rewritten over themselves.
Why did you make me love you if you were going to leave?WHY DID YOU MAKE ME STAY?
You said forever.You said "I've never felt this before."
Was that a lie?Or did you just get tired?
I would've carried you through every storm, Cas.You just had to hold on.
Page 5Folded and hidden in the back pocket of the journal.
If there's a heaven, I hope you're there.If there's a hell, I'll burn my way down to you.
Just wait for me.I don't know how much longer I can survive the mornings.
Page 6Written at 3:27 AM.
I sleep with your hoodie under my pillow.Not because it smells like you anymore—it doesn't.But because I need to pretend you're still close.
I tried sleeping without it once.
I woke up screaming.
Page 7A page torn in half, taped back together.
Today, someone said your name in passing.Just—"Cas used to love that song."
I smiled.
And then I went to the bathroom and cried until my throat hurt.
Grief is weird like that. It waits for witnesses to leave before it claws through your chest.
Page 8More scribbled than written. Ink bleeding in places.
I should have stayed.I should've pushed harder.I should've made you talk.
You never said it but I saw it.The sadness. The weight.
I thought loving you was enough.
God, I was so wrong.
Page 9Minimal. Dead quiet.
The world didn't stop when you died.I thought it would.
But here I am. Buying groceries. Feeding the cat.Smiling at people who don't know you were everything.
I feel like I'm cheating on you with life.
Page 10Tucked into the very last page, written in shaking hand.
Cas,
I forgive you.
Not because you asked.Not because I'm okay.
But because carrying the weight of your goodbye is too heavy for one heart.
Wherever you are—be free.
I'll find a way to breathe again.I promise.
(Eventually.)