Me
1.Things that bother me in general
Probably myself. I am trying to find a proper philosophy to abide by. Whether to be morally good, or bad, or just not care. I think about everything I do and others do. One moment I am hurt by something, next moment I am not. I think about something and spend few days obsessing over it then just leave it. I happen to be very lethargic and when I don't have motivation, I can't even get out of bed. I guess procrastination is a big problem of mine. My average days goes by having a weird sensation in my back, left upper side, it stings :(. So bad.
Sometimes I feel hard to feel empathy for dying animals, sometimes I feel sad over someone losing something minor. My mind shifts to easily, it bothers me. I don't know. I am confused and hurt at times. Feeling empty. Without a purpose. I feel like a burden. I sometimes feel like i am a burden on my parents because I am almost 18 and I am barely doing anything. Sometimes I think, what if I am a burden on my wife if I ever get married. I wonder if I'd be good.
I don't hurt myself though, I have thought about it in past. But not worth it. I wish to live tho, so I would never kill myself. I wish I wasn't so lazy. I wish I had more strength. I wish I had more will power and did what I did. Yk Anna. I make promises to myself and my mom. Id clean my room. Or I'd go out. Study. I think of them at moment and end somehow not at all. Maybe a part of my studies stresses me out. Its not that I don't study. But I hope I did more. And I could speak better. It gets lonely even now. And I feel eyes all over me. Because I am brown and not fluent yk? I wish I were more punctual, confident and did what I did. That would ease me.
I am scared of future. It feels empty. It feels empty to make any estimation. I am tired. I wish I could skip everything. I am sorry if I repeat stuff. I wish my room were cleaner, a bit bigger, and I was like teenagers my age. i wish I didn't procrastinate and chased my dreams. I wish I kept my words. Was disciplined and had a definitive what to do. I wish I had energy. I wish I wasn't ugly. I wish I could be happy being who I am. I wish I had a purpose
2.Things that bother us that others do
I don't think there is much to say. There aren't very notable people left anymore. And I don't really think of people in past. A thing that bothers me the most that I am never really the closest of anybody. And that I am afraid I will never be. Some people have some people. Some people have things they don't share. Some people had people that they loved more. It pains that people care, but never enough to make me feel seen. I was afraid that I would never be closest to you. That there are things that you will never tell me or show me. I was afraid that I'd be called the closest but never truly be.
People at school. Most are classmates. Meh. Some talk with me. Some are nice sometimes. Some are racist. I wish they included me more. I wish they didn't talk behind my back. Sometimes it feels as if they laugh at me. And sometimes I feel bad for being a immigrant. Eyes all over me. And then I wonder. Is it even worth caring for people. Would I ever be close to anybody? Could anybody ever see the real me, my scars and accept me? Some see me as goofy, some as quiet, some as philosophical. But barely never all. People misinterpret me. They never understand my tone or care. Its okay. I am bad at expressing it. I yell. I tell my parents I'd do something. Then I don't. Its always like that.
And then comes my family. Well. There is my mother and father. I am probably the closest with my mother. She does stuff for me. Is caring. And more patient. But at her core she doesn't understand me. She doesn't understand loneliness or why I am alone the way I do. She will never understand my dreams. She just is there. And it feels guilty knowing she cares but she will never understand the true me. That I have left the religion and I am tangled with so much.
And my father. He is not a bad father. But objectively a terrible human. Typical muslim immigrant. But isn't even religious. Entitled. Thinks big of himself because he lives in a foreign country. Not necessarily that he hurts my mother or me. But he makes "comments", unnecessary remarks. They sometimes argue. Its annoying and petty. And talk about leaving even though they won't. I don't know why he acts all good. He tries get me out of my comfort zone, talk about bonding. But why should I bond now at this age. He was gone most my life, from childhood to teenage years. It should have been him that bonded with me. He won't understand what I go through. And I will forever be in debt because he pays for things. But he'd never understand the soul I have. Its sad. Very sad. That he is dislikeable. And that he yells or curses easily. I have heard saying stuff like, "why this fuckass won't talk properly." "You can't even walk properly". Like dang. I didn't ask for ur opinion. Just stop.
I wouldn't necessarily say I grew up deprived of anything. But i was surrounded and loved by my family. So i never really felt the lack of anything. Though objectively I probably did lack lots of stuff others had. Even so, my uncles and cousins had places to go. I never did. I don't why I was never let to go anywhere. Even in my country, I never made friends. Never. It's almost as if I am fated to be alone. Only notable people. Were online friends. But I was good friend. Never close. People share secrets but never whole. Never best friend. Never making time.
I was close with fimi. But even in our country she had friends. She did stuff I wasn't let to. She went to places I wasn't let to. Now we talk sometimes. She barely replies, nor do I wanna talk. I don't like company of people much. I only ever truly loved your company. And my uncs. We text. Few weeks sometimes. Not much talk. They check in. Thats all. And sometimes maybe my grandparents. It makes me sad my grandfather is dead. But happens right? I don't even feel anything good thinking about going to bangladesh. Whats the point? Every thing feels empty. Different. And everyone is gone.
3.Things that bother us that we do to each other
I am afraid the number one thing that I am the biggest hurt by is that, I think that you aren't transparent with me. The trust between us never felt deep. That you will forever keep a piece of you hidden. And that if I give you my soul and my trust. I won't be returned the same. Its perhaps a Defense mechanism and insecurity. Many people have talked with you in past. You share many different things with many people. You won't mention things you do or say to ur friends or family to me. You won't say things you think about by yourself to me. I am afraid that I'd never get to see the true you. And my craving for intimacy of trust and vulnerability may not be fullfilled. I am not saying it will persist. Maybe it won't. Its up to you. Only you. With your trust and transparency can make me open up more or whole. But I am. Rn. Trusting you. I hope you return the same. And that we aren't afraid to show any part of us to each other. No matter how scarred we are.
If I am the other you. If we aren't separate beings. If we wish to grow together. Then must we not be afraid of things? Even things we don't talk about or unnecessary. We must mention it. Almost nothing I ever say has a direct meaning behind it. Small questions, specefic, unnecessary, uncomfortable, silly questions. All are my attempts not to fullfill my curiosity, but to see how much you are willing to share with me. How real can we get. I don't wish to make u uncomfortable or sad in anyway about things u don't answer. But I hoped we had something where we say it ourselves.
I don't like how you are afraid of weirding me out, not saying whole truth, or telling me if something is wrong. Its almost never how you interpret it. Never. I will never be weirded by you and you can ask and share with me everything. Perhaps, it hurted me a bit when I said that you should send me ur pretty face, and you postponed it. You are beautiful yes. And its true that I should wait till you feel confident about your dress, or face or smile. I am a hypocrite for not showing myself too i know. But it hurts. That we feel the need to hide ourselves. That there must be a "self" that needs to be met before we can show ourselves to each other.
I wish we had something where we saw each other as each other living next to each other, where we were never afraid to be and just be. And never care how we sound or look.
You aren't pathetic or emotional at all. Oh Anna. Please never say that. It is never pathetic to be human and care. One must care. I care too. But are we always able to take care of ourselves when we promise? And if so if we made promises to take of ourselves. Is someone stupid for caring? Thats almost as saying kindness shouldn't be because there is evil. I am glad you feel. Its a great thing to feel deeply. Never feel stupid about it. You have a great heart. Let it beat. And you won't be disappointed.
There isn't much more to say. About our rs. I hoped you replied to more stuff when I talked. I am not saying you aren't. Don't take anything i say as your wrong okay?
You aren't wrong, nor are you deficit of anything. People interpret stuff differently. I take small gestures, such as like every message, replying to more messages instead of simply viewing or liking them very greatly. Perhaps tone of voice, things that can come off as dry or sarcasm, I am likely to interpret the worse. Sometimes I feel you are faking your reactions. Which I have said before too. Idk why I feel that way. Perhaps that we yet hide so much. And I feel you aren't listening when I talk about myself. Never say, "I see", it hurts. It feels dismissive. And that, I will be patient. Be yourself. And that if one makes a mistake. Other can correct. A big mistake i made thinking that I shouldn't tell what to do, and it should just happen. But then I let it build and boom. Communication is important. No one is perfect. Let me know too.
And please dont leave our chat when we talk. It sorta feels like you do something over talkinf with me. I hate the idea of thinking u are talking with someone else instead of with me. Please always stay there. Never do something else or talk with someone else when talking with me. It makes me think many of things you say or ur feelings aren't quite true. And sometimes, it hurts to wait for you to reply. Not your fault. But I wished u took more time in between to text me. Amidst stuff. And that texted me as soon as possible, at every chance, not when its comfortable or convenient. I know its immature and I know you probably do do it. But yeah, sometimes you say you will return at xyz time but end up taking more time. Ifs small but it affects me a bit. And that, sometimes, I know its past. And I know you call me pretty. But so, I have barely ever heard you call me the prettiest. Which I am not. But, you could say it. And that, when you said stuff, even to show me, that stuck with me. And I wonder if you still feel something, attraction or excitement when certain boys, characters, or celebrities show up. I know you say no, and its probably no. But thoughts still linger. Its that sometimes I think about what if. Ah what if this particular person comes. I have asked you that question. They were good answers. But you never said, "I would never leave you for anyone," but explanation of why u wouldn't do it. And perhaps, that stuck with me, and hit my ego too. Thats why, even here and there, I try to see if you feel jealousy too. I know its bad. But, oh, forgive me.
4.What we wish to do with our ownselves
At the moment. I simply wish to be able to have more energy and motivation. Just do what I wish to do. Study. Go out. Clean my room. Get a proper schedule. Be punctual. Have a fix set of morals and ideas. Not be double mooded. Keep my vows. Become a respectable person. Someone I can look and admire. I wish to make meaning connections. Do good hobbies. Dress up well and make my body better. And overall a up in all aspect. Thats all. Be more guarded and that no one look down. That I can feel safe being me and proud of me.
5.what we wish our surrounding was
Its not bad. I wish I lived in Vienna. A bit more people. Beautiful place. A home that is decorated well. Surrounded by good scenery. And accessible stores. Not too crowded or not too lonely. I dont like village that much but big cities are also meh. A place like Vienna. Where I lived. Surrounded by people I loved and adored. Family. Friends. Close but not too close. Close to heart but not living. And meeting them. A peaceful quiet Job. Oh I wish to be a lawyer or college professor. Yes. That would be good. A decorated literature room. Oh yes for writing.
6.What we wish our future will be (individually)
The question means if we were to be separated and just move on with our individual life. How would we want the future to be. I don't wish for much. I hope I can study. Then get a stable job. Be connected with close family. Meet once in a while. Have more close friends. And just enjoy life. I don't have much wishes to be married. But I may if there is a good opportunity to. Giving one self away and knowing someone deeply isn't easy. And even so you must see a person that can be for marriage. I do see you making as a great wife. Only person I probably ever did. And thats all. I don't have much big dreams. Maybe seeing stars. being cool uncle and roaming around helping people. Pursuing my hobbies and eating. Yayy.
7.What we wish we had but think cant anymore
Its a important question I thought about asking. It hurted me deeply. As you are so fond of music and art. But people told you that those aren't "real job". And you said that i called u listening to whales "creepy". I never did. Never mistake my tone when i talk about uniqueness or dreams. They are beautiful. Tell me about them more. I wanna listen. And about what I wish I had. I don't think I have any more regrets. I thought that as a child I could be a famous athlete. Even though I barely was ever into sports. Partly cause my mom said that. A footballer or cricketer. Or an actor. Because once a man had offered me a career, as a child, for audition. We rejected it. Idk why. Maybe my life would have been different. And to learn chess. Oh I wish I started earlier. I am too old for it and that I had read more books. I wish I had finished school too. And I had learned better german so I didn't had to fall behind. I wish I were around same class as yours. And I wish we had met earlier. Buts its okay. I love what we are right now. Even though its messy. It made us us. And I would never change anything about us.
8.Reason for so
There isn't much reason behind it. Its timing. Not having knowledge about it. And laziness. I didn't know about or have access to many stuff I do now. And that I was too young to find interest anyway. Many decisions are made on impulse and we just go onto think about it later. Its okay. But I am glad no one ever lowered my dreams. I am glad people like my writing and I still enjoy stuff.
9.What we wish we can have with each other in the future (most honest answer whether it will be or not)
Its not a difficult question at all. I wish to be ur closest. Your only one. That knows and seen all of you. I think the only person I ever dreamt of and could see myseld with was you. Its either us not having any contact at all or something. What I truly wish is that we could be married. Yes. Married. Big words. But wishing to marry someone is not same as the circumstances, feelings, and everything behind it. We are complicated. Our family. Our philosophy and our dynamics. I have said that I "know" its not you. Big words. But then it boils down to feeling. Remember my philosophy of love. My talking of trust. And our history. It feels unfair. That I said so much about you. Did so much stuff and we are yet not grown. So it feels wrong. But, I really hope we could be married. Living together. Doing cute stuff. With children. I never lied about anything I said you were. How beautiful. Pretty. Or like statues. That statue in ur reposts with the song. "Well, I love you, imagine a world without you." It's impossible to imagine another woman or to make love or kiss another woman. I think about your lips or cheeks but it feels wrong. Something seems to tell me that it won't happen. Thats why I am afraid. There is a script in my head and I always try to predict future. Thats why I come to weird conclusions as, "i will only be fine if this condition and xyz is met". I am more fixated about the idea of a deep but heart breaking romance, then a new beginning for both of us than to fight and adjust. I am sorry. But i thought about it. And many things in my life never played out as scripted and I ended up doing things I thought wont be. And I was fine. Even more happier. I hope. I can stop thinking about such script and be happy. Perhaps be happy with the woman that loves me the most and not try to make my life a novel. I am afraid I am too indulged in story writing that I am trying to find muse yearning and etc in everything. But at my heart, I hope we are married.
10 and 11. Our wishes and dreams
I wish and dream for everyone in my life to be happy. Find their dreams. Do what they wish to. And be happy in the end. I hope nothing bad happens to anyone and everyone is there connected with meaningful connection and no one suffering. I wish everyone feels loved and are able to do what they wish. For me, I simply wish to be happy. Be sure of myself and future. Be happy with my surroundings. See stars. Be good at hobbies. And look beautiful. Beautiful as in soul and body. A person that looks like a song and music. Thats all. And inspiring other people. I dream to be free. Absolutely free. Caring. Kind. But not sensitive not cruel. Just a cool person that is everywhere. Doing everything. Good at everything. And a big dreamer for romance, oneself and friendship. Oh Anna. You are romance. You may trust me or not. But to imagine you, is romance itself. To hold hands, to kiss, to go out, to be married, to laugh, to make love, to do any and everything. Reading books. Staying with each other. Crying. Holding. A pretty face. A pretty dress. A laugh and dance. Somehow I can't help but think of you. You know the book i talked about writing with exorcist. It had a main character, protagonist of mc, called Theodora/ Medusa. As a strong, misunderstood companion of the mc. Who was hurt, misunderstood and abandoned by world. But mc and Theodora both had scars and they accepted each other. Loved each other and she was the most beautiful soul I had ever created, thinking about you. To have friends to go out and laugh with. Who understand you. Like those movies. Oh. To have good friends. To have somewhere to go. I feel as if I have no where to go. I abandon you but you accept me. I am glad. I appreciate it. You are like the song, "Golden Brown" and "Sunsetz" my favourites. You are a beautiful Song. And i mean it. I will never lie about complimenting or appreciating you. Even if I lie with promises. But I don't. I break em. Because of my low will power. Oh Anna
12.Things we have liked
Looking back now. In my childhood, I was obsessed with singing and dancing. Especially bengali movies. I used to dress up. Get my moms dupatta to wrap around to make illusion of belt and dance around. Going to my village was fun. I was quite popular. People used to want to be my friend. And I was arrogant. Always. I remember even as a kid, seeing people less than me and trying to hurt others. Other than that I loved playing with toys. I told you right with fimi. Role playing was fun. Though I always copied things from games or stories i liked. Especially a arcade game called samurai showdown. It had a blue hair femboy looking ninja character. And I was obesessed. I always wanted to have long hair and bit feminine look.
I loved playing video games. And I was able to memorise whole books as a kid. I felt proud doing so. And I used to have people around neighbourhood I loved playing with. Its sad how they are gone. And I loved going to a restaurant to order fried chicken toast and fries. I could never eat a meal without chicken. And i used to dislike any meat other than chicken tho i eat everything now. And I said I used to love computers too. It stuff and stars fascinated me. I learned a lot from my unc, about media, shows, pc and stuff. And I am grateful I did. Those times were fun playing roblox, valorant or Minecraft. Maybe I will in future. I used to make my own most expensive build or design my own phone.
And then stars. I always tend to take bias and imagine what if its stronger, brighter or root for things. I don't know why but I try to fit people and things into my version of them and when they don't I feel disappointed. But thats not seeing people as people. I have done it to you too, perhaps thats why i thought it couldn't be you. But thats immature isn't it? No one fits a perfect script and if I try finding a script I will find no one.
And I admire and try to be like people i like. And I always mistake it for attraction. My fuji Kaze phase. I just wanted to be like him. A singer, and a instrument player. But then I mistook it that I liked him and had identity issues. I used to be very homophobic, then thought I was bi, now I know I am straight and I make jokes. About the girl I mentioned. It was same deal. Smart. Into astronomy. I just wished I had the talent. And she was nice. And boom, being the lonely teenage boy I am. I thought I liked her. I don't know why I mentioned her. Not because I like her. But because maybe a part of me wanted to see how you would react. And its cruel. Its manipulative. I know. I am sorry. I think and do such stuff. And that makes me feel undeserving of you. Who wouldn't do it.
My favourite animes were steins gate, code geass, love is war, parasyte and full metal alchemist. I enjoyed watching cartoons too. Especially Doraemon and serials with my mom. It was fun when i used to watch horror stuff with my family too. But now I don't. I just do whatever and obesses over talented people. Maybe I don't like repost or say many things i find cringe. But a part of me sometimes finds myself admiring those too. Baku Madarame, a smart gambler from the manga Usogui. He is soo cool smart and extroverted, always gotcha moment or fyodor Dostoevsky the writer and villain. Oh God how much I wish I was cool and smart like them. I also admire physicst and mathematician. I was always good at maths. Maybe I could study further in future.
13.Things we like
As of moment. There are many things I am into or atleast want to look into. I'd wanna be into goth music. I love it. It has a different vibe. I love classical vibes. And colour brown and purple. Perhaps white too. They look out of this world and just like my home. I wanna wear stuff that resemble them. And own stuff that resembles them. I wanna have a orion constellation necklace and 3 rings on my hand for orion belt. I thought about getting tattoes or piercing but not anymore. Maybe I will slightly tint my hair purple. And buy a white ushanka. Yk whom Im inspired by. Perhaps boots and mantel too.
I wanna learn calisthenics and football better too. And I wanna get better with my vocabulary, literature and writing. I wanna study linguistics, history and theology and geography. They fascinate me. And I want to write better. Play chess better. Learn sudoku and rubiks cube. I want to be updated about everything. And I want to learn instruments such as guitar and flute too. It would be cool to dress up and play stuff. Maybe I will study more astronomy too. I am also into health and skincare. And love being very knowledgeable about random stuff. Also I want to learn every day to day things to do. Minor, emergency, specefic skills. And I want to be calm, mature and well kept person. I love it.
I love cooking too, and I want to learn origami. I wanna cook for you, maybe someday. Puzzle solving is fun too. I wanna do anything that increaes my brain power and I wanna own many things. Cute things. be able to play computer games and go different places. I also love playing with cards. Maybe Ill learn to gamble. And how to shuffle more properly and I want to learn coding too. Itd be fun to have a job to do from home. But being a professor. Being close to youth and helping them. Oh that would be a good dream. Very Good one. I love eating pizza strudel too. Monster is my favourite drink. I didn't have any soda tho, I respected your wishes and i try to remember wearing glassess too. I will wear them fulltime in futute. You look good in glasses too. You look pretty. Oh I love people who want to talk with me. Who are kind excited and just are. People who make others smile. Its lovely. I wish I could do it to more people.
I wish I was more patient and kind. I want to be more patient and kind. Anna. I thought about treasuring, adoring and protecting someone too. That stuck with me deeply. I adore you. I treasure you. But oh, I can't protect myself, how would I do that? But I wish to. Oh Anna. The delicate sweet soul you are. Who has gone through so much yet you are here. How admirable that is. I am proud of you and I will always be. Oh do I wish someone as beautiful and cute as you were adored, protected and treasured properly. I can't do it perfectly. I can't do it all the time. But I wish to. I wish to.
14.Things we want to do
I think I have expressed much of what I want to do. As of now. Its to study better german. Clean my room. Organised. Be stable. Be concrete and practical. Give whats necessary. Then focus on my hobbies. Go out. Meet people and visit places. Learn guitar. See stars. Go on romantic dates. Get a quiet place to live. Write. Become a famous writer. Or famous somehow. I dont want to be forgotten. Do something for each person I love. Yes that would be good.
15.Things we want to learn
How to drive car and other drive, ridable things. Learn german, greek, russian and other popular language and music. Learn history politcs geography linguistics and literature. Learn more about history of things I like. Be more knowledgeable about niche areas and popular medias. Discover shows and music. Learn to be patient. Learn to sew and cook better. Learn astronomy.
16.Pointing each others flaws
Everyone has flaws I do too. That you shall point out. Perhaps your biggest flaws is never showing the true you. And holding feelings deep within you. To not cry when needed to, to not speak when its needed to, letting it pile and pile and pile. Till they come back later and never really forgotten. To take blame of everything even when the fault isn't yours for sake of peace. And to mistake the inability of others to adore you, as your problem to be not "beautiful" or lovable.
Anna, you are lovable, admirable, and you are able to do everything. If you say you aren't, then I am not either. Maybe I was impatient and I didn't wish to see your language. And doing so my expression faltered too. And we were stuck in a sticky situation. But I hope you understand the beautiful soul you have. And thats its okay to feel. To talk. To feel safe. Maybe I will try to be your sanctuary. And thats its okay to demand. Curse others and put the blame on others. Dynamics should always be 50/50 where both have power. No one. Do not be afraid to ask, to make one uncomfortable, to let your heart ease
17.Our own flaws as a person we believe we have
I have said it many times. Not keeping my words. Not being punctual and not always being straightforward. I wish I did what I said I would and that I wouldn't lose motivation so easily. That I'd kinder. Not a hypocrite and not petty. I easily think of stuff about people in my mind. And I dislike. I hope I can conquer every petty feeling. Every lethargic thoughts and feelings I have. And do. Just do. And be mature. And patient. Do things I want to. And make a list of what to do. And do it. Keep track of everything. And yeah.
And insecurity. Tell me ur insecurities too. I dislike the fact my face is asymmetrical. My overgrown eyebrows. My accent. My small forearms. And that I gain weight easily and have to starve so much. I dont like showing myself because a very large proportion of year I am either starving or gaining weight. And it stunted my growth too. Also, a thing. I also hated the fact I was attracted to people. Even just general attraction made me feel sick. But I am glad you found it comfortable that I found you attractive. And that you felt safe enough to talk sexually with me. It wasn't a joke when I said i was insecure about my dih. I don't why I am telling you this. But I thought I should. And at some point I didn't want to even get married or be with anyone because how insecure I was. I regretted telling you this too. But now it feels safer.
18.Flaws of our own of part of society
I don't think I have much. I don't care about any moral responsibility I have over people. I am good citizen. I abide the law and stay quiet. Maybe I could be kinder to my parents. But I'd dissapoint them given who I am. And perhaps at school not beefing with people. Being more mature, calm and giving my energy when necessary. Not doing or getting into unnecessary drama. And just being there for people. Do class work. And keeping an eye on my friends and family. To make sure they are fine. Never making anyone felt left out or unseen.
19.our flaws as we are to each other
Perhaps, my biggest problem is that I am inconsistent with my words and promises. And that I break your trust and my actions prove otherwise. But, what aren't proven my actions and exists as words are true. I say, you are pretty, admirable and beautiful. And every sweet thing that is regarding you and your interests to are true. Everything positive I have ever said is true. And that, you tend to misinterpret what I say. My tone. My speech. My actions aren't clear. And that I get impatient with you. Even after I said I won't. I will try working on all of them. And I will try doing things without asked. Even if its saying, doing, or interacting with other posts. I will try to take actions and stop being a hypocrite. I will keep promises, respect you even when you aren't here and adore you. I will try. Its not a promise to you. But a vow. A goal I wish to achieve. So that anything I do. You already know I will. And it will be greater than promises. But let me know other stuff you see.
20.What we wish was with us (in general, as friends, and relationships)
That's interesting. I don't think there anything that could be with us in general. If we are talking. Even not "friends" or "lover" there is definitely a reason for to do so even if we hide it. And as friends. Thats more complicated. As then it'd be hiding what truly feel for sake of being with each other. Not transparency and that we will keep thinking about how it would affect other even if we don't acknowledge it. And one mustn't be hurt just to keep each other in their life. Should they. And about relationship. All I was that we were more equal. That no one had fear of other leaving. That we were patient and accepted flaws. And actually spew out if someone made a mistake instead of holding it in. Not be afraid to tell or show any part of us. And fully trust each other. To be vulnerable. And to be weird. Talk about mundane stuff.
21.What we wish we could be doing rn (Individually)
Meh. Go out. Basically nothing more. Same i mentioned. Study. Punctual. Routine. Write. Nothing else. Maybe just chill a bit more
22.What we wish we didn't do (individually general)
I just hope I wasn't very petty. And that I didn't think ill of people easily or bad mouth them. Also not be lazy. Do my job properly. Be stable. And do what I said and thought I would. I wish I didn't curse. And I wish I had more ambition, will power and motivation.
23 and 24.What we wish others did and didn't
I just hope people mind their business more. Were kinder and weren't hypocrites. And were more aware of their surroundings and what they do or say. Online ppl are such a mess and almost every group of people suck. At school, I just wish people cared about each other more and weren't hating or back bitching. For my parents, I hope they understood more. Cared less about religion and were more secular. Had less ego and were open minded. Pretty much that. And that people made me their friends or close companions. Were excited to talk with me. And just that. And i hate liberals and religious people. Especially muslims. And i hope men grew brain and weren't haters and that women weren't hypocrites. Yeah. And people were more into art and literature and were open. Didn't torture animals. And also accepted not all people are equal. Some are bad. Its okay. And acknowledge goods.
25.Our fears in general
Meh, I don't have much fear. I avoid anything that can be remotely dangerous. I just hope to never intentionally hurt someone. Or do something that damages other people's belongings. Fear of messing up or doing something embarrassing but not big of a fear. I sometimes worry about being alone and forgotten. And I worry about my grades sometimes. Thats all. Or a woman finding me creepy somehow. Bro i avoid women irl at all costs. I literally don't ever wish to be associated with that typa men.
26.Our fears of others
Not much. Just someone doing something or saying to my close ones. Sabotaging us for no reason. Or just awkwardness. I have social anxiety and I can't socialise with strangers and get francitc when someone idk approaches me. I also fear of my family a bit. How will they react if they know true me. And I fear my loved ones safety and what if they die. My family, You, my friends. I am afraid what if something happens to them.
27.Our fears of each other
Maybe that, you hide things, or are lying about something. That I'd believe. Or that you are hurt but won't tell or are uncomfortable and won't tell. Or something that you share or have shared with others but won't with me. Also that I'd hurt you. I never want to intentionally. And it hurts me when I act unstable too. My fear is you hurting yourself. Or isolating yourself. Or doing something worse ykwim. Please never. Also I fear that what if you secretly have feelings for others. Or that what if you get bored of me. Or what if you leave me. Or what if you tolerate me and don't like many things of things I say, that u play off. That you lost interest or don't wanna talk anymore. And so I assume it may happen. So i try prevent how i interact or feel, and try not to feel too. And it backfires later.
28.Our philosophy
I am yet to figure that out. But my greatest find is freedom. To do what one wants. And to be extraordinary. To do what most can't by free will. And to be the best version of oneself. Be a beautiful soul. And that one feels like music. Like a star just by being. I think what matters in life the most is the well being and freedom of one person, and their pursuit of their passion. Then people they love. Not all people are worth it. But those willing to understand, make sacrifices and stay. One doesn't need to be alike. There are many differences. But they still bond. I had talked about our differences and how they are bad. But after hearing you. And thinking. Theres something beautiful about two different souls finding a middle ground. Exceptionally beautiful.
I don't really care about being nice or being bad. One should be careful of their life choices because they may backfire. Though generally I side with what we consider objectively evil. I think everyone is a fool and ordinary. But there are some extraordinary talented people. Some people more dear than others. You are dear to me. And to feel and do something. There doesn't need to be big meaning. Just a heart. Thats all
29.How we view life
Fragile. Its fragile. Everything is so temporary and meaningless. But we feel. No matter how much we philosophise we feel. No matter how much we dismiss stuff as useless or see others as low. We feel and we care. Even when we say we don't and thats fine. We need a bit others and everything to survive. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't make the most of our freedom. Life can be beautiful. Its hard at times. Uncomfortable. Even lonely and silent. But I love existing. Even through something I am. I want to experience stuff I haven't and do and meet stuff I wish to. Thats beautiful. Even through fragility and without guarantee, people have dreams and make connections. Thats beautiful. Even if the world is cruel. Its beautiful.
30.How we view friendship
Its closeness. Its being comfortable. Its the first thing required before a relationship. Think of friendship as something when you remove sexual and romantic intimacy and add family bond. That sort. How we interact with close siblings and a partner. Somewhere in between. Someone whom we see not by their looks, their gender or their status. But by their ability to be there, to listen, to connect. Someone to rely on that won't take advantage or be in our way of life or other aspects of connections. Its beautiful. Close friendships where people hang out. Have humour. Understand each other and so on. I want to be ur closest friend too.
31.How we view ourselves
I have already talked a lot about it. And i shall say the last remaining part. I see myself a evil, petty, pernicious, unlovable, u grateful ugly buffon. But I am not mad. I an trying to change. And I am not dissapointed. Maybe I feel hollow at times for the inability of my own soul. And I feel empty just existing. Thinking. Looking. Eating. I am doing stuff. I know I am here. But really I am not. Sometimes I feel I belong no where. I don't wish to die, but I won't mind. But a part of me wants to live and love too. And I wish to change, be a great man, and be there, be someone that is admirable, and someone that has a unforgettable presence. But I am tormented. And I am glad I am. I make changes. Even if slightly. But I will change. Things may not always go straight . But its the same road at end. And I am glad
32.How we view each other
Oh Anna. Where do I even begin. You are the sweetest smile and the most beautiful flower. You are the muse of my poetry. And the one that tangles my brain in a good way. The tip of my pen and the ink of my paper. I view you as a God's mightiest and brightest soldier. Someone who has been through so much, yet is pushing. Someone so alike yet so different from others. You have the music in you. Your music taste is amazing. It amazes me how someone is into so much. How much contrast there is in someone's heart and how vast it is.
You made me think of what love could and should be. How loving people can be. How to dream. What romance is. What a woman and marriage is. You have a beautiful soul. Different than others. But alike in good way. You wish to love, but think you aren't able to. But so no one understands your love. Your dreams such dreams that appear in dreams. And one must steal dreams from you to feel fulfilled. I have seen you grow. I have seen you change. I have seen you care less about others and more on yourself. I have seen you become more kind, patient, mature and stable. And it always amazed me. I am proud of you.
Everything you say is sweet and cute. And a memory I won't find anywhere else. Each time I see any statue or songs. I think of you. Even when you aren't present you are there. The truth was. When you tried contacting me. I didn't move on. I always daily checked your socials. I saw when you changed pfp. When you changed bio. But I held a grudge. And I was afraid. So to up myself and ego. I pretended that I had moved on. Well moved on from you as a person. My thoughts grew more and more. And in the path I forgot what love meant. But I never forgot you. Atleast once per day You came in my mind. In writing. In stories. In food. In flowers. In clothes. I thought I could imagine someone else there. But I couldn't.
You are the prettiest person I know. I will admit, I have found and find others "good looking" but I don't care about them. I never feel good imagining anything or saying anything with others. The ease it is to talk with you. How effortlessly I can write poems and paragraphs for you is for no one else. We have dirty talked. Only that is fun with you. I beg for you. I wish to see your smile. And only, your smile soothes me. You are beautiful as every romance song. And your soul is a locket i wear with myself. But I am honest when I say I sometimes feel unsure, or that it would be unfair to say, "I love you," maybe I do, maybe it's something else. I am not sure. But when I say it. When we exchange it. It eases me. To hear from you. You are my treasure. I wish to adore, protect and treasure you. Even if I am not the mightiest pirate.
And I wish for you to see the depth of beauty of your soul. That you aren't lusted over. If I crave something, that is to understand your heart, your soul, your smile. Even if I do love your body, I love all of you, your soul, you heart, your smile, your little gestures. I won't lie about not feeling physical attraction. Itd be lying. But, I hope you know that this person sees all of you. And finds all of you beautiful. Even if I am impatient. Even if I say otherwise or point mistakes. Through everything you are beautiful. Through the way you talk you are beautiful. I notice the post you like. The way you get excited. The way you get carried of when talking about something you like. The way you dress. The way you post. The way you edit. The things you know. The way you talk. The way you love and care. The way you are beautiful and humble. The way you try. I admire you the most. And I am proud of you. Even through the scars of your past, and devils of your life. You have bloomed as a wonderful soul. And I am glad to be someone u adore. I adore you too. Your humour. The way you make me laugh. Everything. I hope you forever remember that. And I wish I can whisper that forever too.
33.People in our lives
You already know. My online friends. We talj sometimes. Not much. Meme share. My mother. She cares for me. I sometimes talk w her. Maybe life or general. Act goofy. Father. Yeah. Sometimes when needed. He annoys me sometimes but I approach him too. Alik, the ukranian, we are close at school but he prob bitches me. He is a bit idiot. And rest i interact w boys, joke around, but not close, maybe they make fun of me. And i sometimes interact w girls if they do with me. I hate this girl named leonie, she is like a witch, small, always a grumpy face and dumb. And modi, a afghani, she has a annoying voice and humour. Bennet is a cool guy. I dont talj with david, my old classmate anymore. And not shree or miserable witch too. I talk with fimi sometimes. Random gossip. And unc about how we are. My big unc, updates me about some stuff. And sometimes my grandma. Thats all. I have other relatives but not much relevant.
34.View on Love
This is difficult. For a long time I had this view of love about some magical meeting of connection like songs. Where both are hurt from somewhere and magically bond where they do everything. But then I thought about it. And remember I wrote about what love is. And I thought about it. I could apply that logic to us too. But sometimes something feels to be stopping me. It sometimes feels we won't be able to do it. To me love should be being comfortable, vulnerable and transparent. But a love where someone like I has done so much to you seems tainted. Nonetheless, as I mentioned I am a bit bothered by your stuff too. You are afraid of losing. And that dynamic feels wrong. And even though you wanted to fight through it. I kept it all and didn't say them at all. And now look. Maybe. Love isn't to be perfect or fit people into a ideology. If it were checklist and people do everything by themselves, that would be impossible. And yet I held you to that standard. Not saying anything. I am sorry. i won't try to fit you in any script anymore. Just be. Adjust. And yeah. I am sorry. Love is a choice to stay. And accept the differences. Its finding peace in common ground. And doing a bit more than it is comfortable. Its to be patient. And Oh!
35.Lies and secrets we haven't yet told each other
I don't think there is any. I have told everything along the way. Whenever I write poetry or story. You are always as a character. And I have once said to someone that I had a ex I loved named Anna. But I never said further. And that I always observed you and thought about you. Even when we weren't talking. Even when I leave or say stuff as "never meet" or "I lied" or "I dont love you" they are never the truth. And a port of me wished i wasn't so harsh. But i act on impulse and think this will do the thing for now then immediately regret. I hope we do meet. But idk why I say otherwise perhaps a part of me wanted u to hate and leave me. But yet, yeah. The reason I avoided u was probably I held a grudge and ego. But I never wished for a revenge or to hurt you. I texted you because I missed you. I wanted to try again and see where it went. But I felt a bit suffocated taking everything in. Even when I pretended to my friends i moved on. I didn't. And yeah. Always ego wins. Thats why its bad. I am deeply sorry for hurting you. I am. And I sang those songs that day specifically because you loved a lot of them too. And I may still not be 6 feet smh. And yes I do miss you. I care. And you are a person that feels like music. You come in my dreams. Sometimes as a shade. A clothe. A music. A flower. A star. A song. Oh come out and haunt me. I know you want me. Come out and haunt me. Sharing all your secrets with each other since you were kids. You have haunted me anytime I thought about a female. A haircut similar to urs. A sweet voice. A person to hold hands. A person to be around. A female silhouette. And female anatomy. A smile. A charm.
36.Things we are burdened by that we tell no one
Its loneliness. Having no one to talk to. No one that understands me. People not making me close or backhanded compliments. Thinking that i am lazy when i dont have motivation to move my body. Studies. And i am burdened by the horrible man I am. I wish to change. Be useful to others and not see myself as a outsider. I wish to love and give and not be lonely and tormented
37.Things we are afraid to ask or demand
Nothing much. Just be yourself. Answer any question I ask. Be honest. Tell me everything. Show me whole of you Stay up a bit longer. Make more time. And send me vms and pictures of yours if I ask so. And also demand from me. Ask anything. It will never be weird or creepy. Okay? Just do
38.Things we can do to change
Just time. Motivation. Being around you motivates me to do better. Be a better man myself and for you. A better human. And about us. Its to be honest. A bit more patient and humane. To feel and to talk. And time will do everything. Our dreams will. I think thats all there is. Changes doesnt happen in a day. It happens slowly. We must tell mistakes. But not feel low for making mistakes or dissapointing or hurting others. It happens. Will happen. We will change. We will live
39.What could be right answer for things we believe about ourselves
For me. That people can change. We are young. And that we must feel than philosophise. People aren't perfect. Nor am I. I shouldn't curse myself. It will be fine. And I must be patient with everything and myself. Time will tell. Its bad to worry. And i must live. I am not a burden. And I am just a stupid human. Stupid alike others. Tryna be better
40.About Us
About us is something we must talk together. But I hope we stay together. And improve everything. Creating and getting something more beautiful. Understanding, caring. And being true. And end just us. I don't wish to be separated anymore. I don't. I want to stay close with you. And I want the best of both worlds. I don't want to hesitate more. Because there is hesitation everywhere anyway. And we only have one life. So yeah Anna. Thats pretty much everything about me and us. And what will we do with us is for future after I see you. But I hope its something better and closer and tender. Take care. Thanks for reading. Always here. Trying to improve. Kind regards. Your Lam.