Do you know that popular saying about what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger? That as long as you survive a situation once, you needn't worry about it a second time?
Yes, that was basically Doomday's whole schtick in the Superman comics.
My life could be defined as the very definition of that phrase… except my warranty didn't cover the last part.
What didn't kill me only made me wish that it did.
I think it first started when I was seven years old, I wasn't anything special, I played around like every other kid, I pulled pranks like every other kid, I hated studying like every other kid, I liked to have fun like every other kid but if there was one aspect where I was different from every other kid, then it would be that I was slightly unlucky.
An irony for someone named Fortune.
When we played rock paper scissors, I'd consistently choose the losing shape. When we played tag, I'd always be the first to be "it" and somehow never succeed in tagging anyone. When we competed in races against each other, I'd somehow trip on my own foot. When we played soccer, I'd always be chosen as the goalkeeper or I'd always be the seeker during hide-and-seek.
Just tiny misfortunes. It could happen to anyone.
In the neighborhood, I became known as Oops-tune.
Don't misunderstand though, I was never bullied nor harassed by anyone. In fact, the people who called me that were people who I practically grew up with and being known as Oops-tune was sort of a legend in of itself. There wasn't anyone in the neighborhood who didn't know about Oops-tune and as a child that practically made me an area boss.
So even as I stepped on legos, even as birds stole my lunch, even as I scrapped my knees before sport's day, even as I forgot my homework at home after working hard on it, even as I drew the shortest straw, I wore the name with pride.
Past tense. I wore the name with pride. Until I turned fourteen, where the minor but funny misfortune started to escalate.
The first escalation was something very funny but equally dangerous. A flower vase fell on my head… from a five storey building. I had thought I was going to die at the time but hooray for science and medicine. I got off with two weeks coma and just a bit of brain swelling but sadly, no powers to make me debut as flower-vase-man.
So sure, it was just a bit of the usual misfortune, it had never gotten that serious before but psshhh, how bad could it get?
Oh, you poor idiot.
I didn't wake up from the coma to "congratulations on your recovery" notes, not even a "you beat brain damage". Hell! I would have settled for a "good morning". But what did I get? News that my parents were divorced.
What? How did that happen?
Sure, my family had never been perfect but I had thought that at the very least, our bonds were something that could weather through whatever storm may come. I was wrong. I guess I was the only one who felt that way.
But still, surely, this couldn't have been my fault right? I mean all I did in that two weeks was being unconscious, so there was no way it was my fault. This was the relationship between two adults so if they weren't able to make it work, it should have been their shortcomings, right?
God laughed.
So why did my parents divorce? Apparently while I was snoozing and losing, my dad had the bright idea to do a DNA test and as you've guessed, I no longer found that "I am your father" meme to be funny anymore.
I remember staring blankly at the ceiling at the time. I was only a kid, what could I do? Nothing. I couldn't do anything.
My mother then won custody over me and we started living alone together. She put strict restrictions on me, I was never to go see my father nor any of his extended relatives. I was a teenager so of course I disobeyed her, she shouldn't have expected anything less.
The reunion that I expected didn't go as I had hoped as my father said that he has had suspicions and my accident just gave him incentive to confirm them then he not so subtly told me to fuck off.
So I fucked off and went back to my new home, back to my new life, back to my mom who drank when she thought I wasn't looking, and then I pretended that everything was fine, what else could I do? I had friends but not anyone close enough that I could open my heart to, so instead I carried it with the thought that there were people who had it worse than I did.
At fifteen years old, after some minor dose of misfortune, I got into another accident. The worse one yet. A school trip to a metal working company and I lost an arm for my efforts. The company got sued by mom, she won. I got prosthetics, life was already looking terrible for me. At this point, I was already recognizing the patterns, so I told my mom about it, how I've got a superpower that made me unlucky. In response, she ruffled my hair and told me not to be an idiot.
Gee, thanks mom.
When I turned sixteen, it felt like the world was out to get me. It was on the way home from a trip my mom had forced me to tag along with that we had an accident. I was fractured all over but somehow survived, the doctor called it a miracle, a blessing but only I saw it for what it truly was. If that car accident didn't kill me then misfortune wasn't done with me.
So I asked for my mom, I was going to talk sense into her and make her understand whether she liked it or not that I was cursed… only to find out that the accident did claim a life, it just hadn't been mine.
I chuckled. I laughed. I cried. I fought with the doctors, I begged them to bring her back, I begged god to bring her back. Nobody did, nobody could.
I had always been unfortunate but it had never claimed someone's life before and yet the first time it did, it was not mine but my mom's?
It was too cruel.
It was too painful.
I couldn't take it.
Following that incident, I was all alone after shutting myself inside the house, I refused to go out, because I knew, I knew that if I went out, I would be going out to forfeit my life.
The apartment became a cage and a sanctuary. The outside world was both a jury and an executioner who had set my fate in stone.
For two years I lived like this. Listless and lifeless. Not living, just going through the motions. I was scared. I was bitter. But more importantly, I hated it all.
How could anyone be so unlucky? Why would anyone be so unlucky? It was so frustrating.
I hated that a flower vase hit my head which had begun the spiral. I hated that my parents divorced which I had indirectly caused, I hated that my mother died because of me. I hated that I couldn't leave the house because as pathetic as it was, I didn't want to die, I hated that I was scared of going outside. I hated my bad luck. I hated everything. I hated myself.
It was easy to hate. After all, was it not natural for one to hate the cause of their tragedies?
And then one morning, I woke up with an epiphany. What was I waiting for? What was I trying for? What was I hiding for? I had gritted my teeth, thinking that I wasn't going to give the world the satisfaction. If anything was going to happen to me, I wanted it to be on my own terms. Everything so far had been out of my hands, as if the world had been forcing me to follow a half-ass script, I wanted to regain the last bit of control that I had. I wanted to decide by myself.
So I stepped outside the house for the first time in two years. I walked the streets with a single arm, bare footed and in a pajamas.
It was the most freedom that I had ever felt in my life.
And then it ended.
Just like I knew it would. But it had ended on my terms, and I was happy with that, satisfied even.
"So why," I mutter to myself from where I was crouching beside a wooden bridge, the sun preparing for its descent with the smell of mold in the air. "Why was I still alive?"
They say life had a funny sense of humor but unfortunately, I didn't get the joke nor did I find it amusing at all. One moment, I was getting electrocuted by the wire that fell from a power line and the next, I was here.
Finding where "here" was had been ridiculously easy. I didn't even need to leave my spot to do it either.
Re: Zero.
I was in a fictional world. I would have been excited and flummoxed about being an isekai protagonist but I just couldn't muster up the energy to.
Of course, I had watched Re:zero before, it was one of my favorite Isekai series. Being a shut in meant that I had an excess amount of time in my hands so I used to while away time by binging animes, reading mangas or playing games. Anything that would have got my mind off… everything.
Re:zero was not one of those animes, it didn't help me get my mind out of things but yet I hadn't been able to take my eyes off it when I started watching.
After watching all the available seasons, the character that I found myself relating to was not Emilia, the half-elf girl who was fighting a losing battle against the world. It wasn't Rem, the Oni maid who had a self-esteem lower than pi, nor was it Beatrice who was a victim of someone else's whims.
It was Natsuki Subaru.
The boy who appeared in an unfamiliar world with gusto and convenience store bought items only for the world to laugh at his face. The boy who faced death time and time again, broken and battered and yet soldiered on with pure will alone. Natsuki Subaru, a boy who was as kind as he was selfish, wanting to protect everything and everyone that he held dear. Natsuki Subaru, the most unlucky person in the show. Natsuki Subaru, a boy who tried his best for everyone. Natsuki Subaru, the mayo lover.
It was that same Natsuki Subaru that I related to. Natsuki Subaru was both an idealized character in that there was no way someone like that could exist but yet he was also a realistic character in how human he felt and acted.
I could never be Natsuki Subaru, not even in mindset.
And yet.
I walked over to the running water and crouched before it.
Medium length black hair swept to the back greeted me, glaring browns eyes stared back at me through the reflection. A face I recognized but one that was not my own. It was the face of Natsuki Subaru. The protagonist of Re:zero.
I sighed as I went back to crouch beside the bridge.
How did such a thing happen? Re:zero hadn't even been the last anime that I watched before dying. Wasn't this some sort of cosmic joke? I of all people placed in the body of a person who couldn't die when the very last decision I had made for myself was dying. It was scary that there was no body dysphoria, as if the world was nodding to me and saying "yep, this one slaps."
I found myself laughing out loud. It felt like a badly written novel by an author who had a thing for angst.
What was I going to do? I didn't have anywhere to go, I didn't technically know anyone here. I was practically alone in this world, no money to my name and no shelter above my head and most definitely no inner power within me. I had checked.
How had Subaru gotten excited over this?
The other problem was that being in the body of Natsuki Subaru meant that I was going to get roped into the events of this world, it was practically designed that way. The higher powers of the world wouldn't let him—or now, me—be
But that was not what I was worried about, there was something else. If I was Subaru then what happened to the original Subaru? Did I kill him? Had I somehow wiped him out of existence after pulling a body possession move?
I sighed again and then stared at the sky. I wasn't a bad guy, I knew that there were people in this world who had it worse than I did, but what could I do? I didn't have the power to do anything, I didn't even know if I had the vaunted Return by death and I was not eager to find out. If I died and didn't stay dead then I fear for what Satella would do to me when I present her a ticket, like. "One more life please." only for her to punt me across dimensions.
"Ahhh, what do I do now?"
At that moment, a voice called out to me.
"Hey, are you okay?"
I looked to the source, I closed my eyes and then sprawled dramatically on the ground.
"H-hey, are you alright? Are you in pain? I know healing magic, it's not much but I can heal you, where does it hurt?" She rattled off, having crouched beside me, flailing her arms helplessly.
Emilia was exactly as I had seen in the anime. Long silver hair that shone like moonlight, deep amethyst eyes that held allure and a face ever gentle despite the unfair way the world treated her.
After a moment, I turned my head towards her, still sprawled on the ground. "Hey," I said, grabbing her attention. She looked at me. "Why do you try?"
I didn't know the reason why I asked the question, was there an answer I was hoping she could provide? I don't know. It's just that this person had once been a character inside of my computer screen, I couldn't understand their motivations from a third person's perspective but being in front of her like this, seeing her swaying hair, smelling the faint scent of shampoo that clung to her, this girl before me was as real as the ground I was lying on, so I wanted to know. Why do you try?
She blinked twice and then placed a finger on her chin as if she was considering the answer, as if she understood the question I had asked.
She smiled as she replied. "Because that is the only thing I can do." She responded genuinely.
I blinked and then sat up. "What… do you mean?"
"I don't reeally get it either but I can't do anything except try. I don't have a lot of people to rely on and the world can be a bit scaary at times but even so, I don't want to stop trying." Her voice was soft as she spoke but they held a conviction that even I could feel.
"What if you got hurt in the process?"
"Even so."
I looked at her for a moment until she started to fidget and then I burst out laughing, raw and unrestrained. The most genuine laugh that I've had in… years.
"Ehh?? Did I say something weird?"
The crystal on her chest shone for a moment and then a small bipedal cat appeared, it had light grey and white fur, bluish-green eyes, floppy ears with a golden earring on the left one, a long tail and a small purple handbag over his body.
"You didn't say anything weird, Lia." Puck said. "If anything, I think you helped him decide something."
I wiped away a lone tear from my eye as my laughter tapered off into chuckles. "Yeah, the cat is right."
"Hey, that's Great Spirit to you." Puck said as he floated lazily in the air, his eyes never leaving me.
"Puck, don't be rude." Emilia chastised then looked at me. "I don't know what I helped you with, but I'm reeally glad that you found your answer."
"Yeah," I said as I stood up. "Me too."
Emilia's words had been ridiculously simple, like telling someone who couldn't swim to just believe in themselves and they could do it, but yet it had managed to stir something inside of me and while I couldn't help this girl—the coward that I was—there was something else I could do.
"You're looking for something right?" I asked Emilia who had stood up with me.
"Ah— that's right, I forgot about that! Oh no. I'm reeally sorry that I can't spend more time with you but—" Emilia had started panicking and looked like she was about to bolt until Puck spoke out, interrupting her, his voice cold like ice.
"—And, how do you know that my daughter is looking for something? You are working with that girl, aren't you?" Puck's gaze was frosty as he accused me. A look of betrayal flashed through Emilia's face as she processed what I had said earlier, she looked at me as if begging me to deny the accusation.
I raised my arms up in surrender, feeling chills in my bones already. "I'm not! But I do know that it will be dangerous if you go to the loot house."
"Oh, so you even know the place then?" Puck said as he floated closer but Emilia stopped him before he could get any closer.
"Puck, you're scaring him." She chastised.
"But Lia, this guy is suspicious and he probably knows where the insignia is." He urged.
"I do know where it is but I don't really know the way to get there." I said truthfully. It had been a while since I watched the show and the characters were more interesting to me than the surroundings but I think the loot house was close to the walls, right?
"Ughh, I can tell that you're telling the truth which is frustrating but you're very suspicious you know? I said "insignia" but yet you didn't react to it, as if you knew that was what was stolen in the first place." Puck said, folding his arms as if he was giving a lecture.
"Umm," Emilia started. "can you show us where it is? That item is veery important to me, you see?" Then she quickly added. "Ah, but don't worry, I will… reward you for the information, yes! So you're not really doing anything wrong, this is just me just buying information, yes that's it!" She held her hips as she nodded to herself like she had just come up with the perfect plan then she deflated and muttered to herself. "But I don't have any money…"
Both Puck and I stared at her.
I groaned. "Have you not told her that she could get scammed if she said something like that to someone who is basically a stranger?" I asked Puck.
Puck scratched his head, embarrassedly. "Even though you are suspicious, this my daughter is still looking for a way to repay you. She can quite gullible at times." He said in a guilty tone.
"You be quiet Puck!" Emilia said even as her ears reddened.
I sighed then looked around the area, we were currently in that bridge where Emilia talked to spirits the first time, so close to the slums, judging by the state of the houses around as well.
If I was to help her find the loot house, we would die wouldn't we? Even after walking with near death experiences and even dying once, death was still very scary to me, even more so.
"I can help you find the place but we would have to look for reinforcement first." I said.
"Reinforcement?" Emilia asked with a head tilt.
I nodded. "Yep, there's someone there who is very dangerous and I don't think we would survive."
Emilia huffed. "I don't mean to brag but I will have you know that I am a spiritual arts user and Puck here is a Great Spirit."
Puck floated idly in the air, hand behind his head and one leg over the other.. "I intend to brag though."
"You guys are definitely strong but it won't be enough." I said plainly.
"I feel like I've just been underestimated." Puck started to throw punches in the air. "If I get serious, not even the world would survive you know."
I froze and quickly said nervously. "P-please don't do that."
Puck blinked then narrowed his eyes. "You believe me, isn't that weird?"
I looked away.
"But, reinforcements… I don't really want anyone else to trouble themselves with this problem, it was my mistake after all, I was the one who got carried away because I was excited." Emilia's voice was almost sorrowful. It made me feel bad for her.
"Don't worry, there is someone that we can find who won't hesitate to help you." I tried to psych her up.
She blinked. "Reinhard?"
I blinked then looked at Puck and back at her. "Huh…" I scratched the back of my head. "Are you secretly a psychic or something?"
"Huh? I don't really know what that is but look, it's Reinhard." Emilia pointed behind me, I followed her gaze and there he was. Hair as red as flames, sky blue eyes and a confident stride. Reinhard Van Astrea somehow managed to put me at ease despite his overwhelming presence.
He walked towards us with a gentle smile and greeted. "Hello to you all, Miss Emilia, Sir Great Spirit."
"Reinhard, it's nice to see you." Emilia offered her greetings.
"Yeah, how are you even here?" I asked because I was surprised, I had thought we were going to go round the capital, searching for him.
"I just had an urge to come to this area." He said, still smiling.
I whistled. As expected of the Sword Saint.
"But still, those are peculiar clothes you have on." Reinhard said looking at the tracksuit I was wearing, Subaru's tracksuit. The thought almost sent me down the spiral again about how I had died and was now in the body of a fictional character that I had mostly wiped out of existence by possessing his body.
"Hmm, you are right, it does look strange." Emilia added.
"Hey, it doesn't look that strange right?" I asked.
"I do think it suits you." Reinhard chuckled.
Reinhard, you're such a nice guy.
"Ah, I-it does not, I think it makes you stand out but in a good way!" Emilia tried to console me. I understood why Subaru called this girl an angel and now I was seeing it for myself.
I put a hand over my mouth, fighting back tears. What a good girl.
Puck floated towards me and started to punch my cheek. "What is with you? Your feelings are all over the place, one minute it feels like you want to die and the next you do… stuff like this." He sounded frustrated.
I pushed him away by flicking his forehead and he just used the momentum to spin in the air and landed another straight punch.
Emilia laughed out loud. "You guys are so silly."
"Hey, it's this cat that is the silly one." I retorted.
"How dare you call me silly? Taste my finisher move that I've perfected for a hundred years. "Nekooooo punch—"
I grabbed him from the back of the neck before he could even finish.
"Hey, let me go, this is sacrilege! How dare you hold me like a house pet?" Puck roared as he flailed his tiny paws.
"Puck, don't cause trouble now." Emilia said, failing to hide her mirth.
Reinhard meanwhile stared at me for a bit as if he was trying to make sense of something or no doubt thinking about what Puck had just said so I quickly changed the topic while pushing Puck away towards Emilia.
"Umm, Sir Reinhard—"
"Reinhard is fine, Sir…?"
"Ah, I didn't introduce myself. You can call me Fortune." I gave out that same name which I loathed.
"I see, then Sir Fortune." Reinhard said politely.
I shook my head. "No, no, no. That makes me seem old and calling me Sir is something that I can't live up to, so just call me Fortune."
Reinhard smiled as if he understood what I was talking about. He probably did, knowing him. "Then Fortune." He said. I nodded.
"Umm, I'm Emilia." Emilia said quickly, not wanting to be left out but then after realizing that she had sounded desperate, she blushed, averting her eyes.
Puck came to her rescue. "And I am Puck." He then looked at me. "I will allow you to call me Puck-sama."
"No way I'm calling you that." I shot him down immediately.
"Tsk."
"Hey, you just clicked your tongue didn't you?" I asked, this cat was really dramatic.
I sighed. "Anyway, let's all get along you guys. You too Emilia... and Reinhard as well."
Emilia's face brightened. "Yes, let's!" She said eagerly, I had to look away from the bright smile.
Reinhard eyes widened a bit. "It would be an honor to."
I chuckled. "You don't have to be so formal, you know?"
"Ah," he chuckled. "Pardon me then… anyway, I couldn't help but overhear your earlier conversation. You mentioned something about someone dangerous." Reinhard said and then I blinked.
Had I really just forgotten where I was for a moment? Had I been so caught up in myself? But still, when was the last time I had talked to someone for this long without something unfortunate happening? Were conversations always this fun? Did I deserve this little respite? When would the other shoe drop? The other shoe always dropped.
I shook my head. "Yes, you see, there is this person…"
•••
With Reinhard with us, finding the loot house was not difficult at all and he had agreed to help us almost immediately.
I told him that the loot house was one of the biggest ones in the area and he just casually jumped up, easily clearing meters to get a better view. This truly was a fantasy world, it was the first supernatural feat that I had witnessed. Puck was no different from the cats back on Earth so he didn't count.
Right now, we stood before the loot house, Reinhard in front of us while Emilia and I stood behind him. Puck was resting inside of Emilia's hair.
As Reinhard knocked, Emilia held my shoulders. "Are you okay?" She asked.
I looked from her face to my hands, they were trembling so I squeezed them tight.
Even with the assurance that Reinhard's presence provided, I couldn't shake off the nervousness. I had already walked towards death today through my own decision and that was how I ended up in this world, and here I was again, in the face of another potential death… but this as well had been something I had chose to do of my own free will.
Why?
Did I desire death? I don't think so, if not, I wouldn't have requested Reinhard's help. I think I am here because of what I know. I know that Felt and Old man Rom would die if no one helped them and the fact that I knew meant that I couldn't ignore it, just like how I couldn't ignore Emilia leaving to her death as well.
I was not a bad guy, I was not a good guy either but I at least would like to prevent someone's death if I could.
I see… so that's how it is? How truly disgusting of myself to atone in such a way.
I breathed out and smiled to her. "I'm fine, don't worry about me."
Emilia could be very perceptive at times and from the look on her face, she obviously didn't believe me but she didn't push either. I appreciated it.
She nodded and spoke. "Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you."
My brain skipped at that but before I could reply, the door swung open and Felt greeted us in all her full glory. Golden blonde hair and crimson eyes that widened upon seeing us.
"What the…" she said as she quickly backed away.
Reinhard's calmly walked inside, eyes already inspecting every detail and resident in the room.
Emilia followed with a "Stay close to me, Fortune."
I dazedly followed behind.
"Tsk, you really don't know when to give up, and you even brought a knight?! How low can you get?!" Felt yelled.
"Wow, she got here early." Another feminine voice said.
I looked towards the person and she looked back at me. In that moment, the world seemed to peel away and it was just the two of us.
She had thick long black hair in a pony tail, brown eyes that seemed to be glaring but were currently wide with surprise. She was endowed and the track suit she wore did nothing to hide it.
The same track suit that I was wearing.
The girl pointed a finger towards me and yelled. "SINCE WHEN DID I HAVE A TWIN?!!"
Everyone glanced back and forth between the two of us with surprise coloring their faces, except Reinhard's.
As for me, internally, I chuckled.
Nice one world, you win this round again