As the guest of honor, Lin Yi stepped onto the stage to a standing ovation. For one night, every rivalry was put on hold.
LeBron applauded.
Kobe applauded.
Even Kevin Durant joined in, though his enthusiasm faded the moment he noticed Scarlett Johansson watching Lin with an amused smile.
Durant sighed.
Basketball was all he had left.
He glanced toward Russell Westbrook across the room.
At least Russ would never leave me.
Lin reached the microphone and smiled.
"First of all, thank you all for coming tonight."
He looked around the room.
"I haven't seen this many future Hall of Famers together since the last All-Star Game."
A brief pause.
"Actually... that's not true."
"Half of you are only here because you wanted the chance to insult me."
The audience erupted.
Lin pointed toward Kevin Hart.
"I'd also like to thank Kevin for hosting."
"It takes a lot of confidence to roast NBA players when everyone on stage outweighs you by at least a hundred pounds."
Hart clutched his chest dramatically.
Lin wasn't finished.
"Kevin has been fearless all night."
"Then again, when you're that short, danger usually passes right over your head."
The room exploded.
Hart stood and pointed at Lin.
"I'm getting you back!"
Lin laughed before turning toward Shaquille O'Neal.
"Shaq."
"One of the most dominant centers in NBA history."
"Four championships."
"An MVP."
"Fifteen All-Star appearances."
"And somehow..."
"You've managed to fit three Hall of Fame careers into one waistline."
Shaq nearly fell out of his chair laughing.
Lin continued.
"Shaq speaks four languages."
"English."
"Basketball."
"TNT."
"And whatever sound comes out whenever he misses a free throw."
Even Shaq applauded.
Lin raised a hand.
"Relax."
"I'm only saying what every opposing coach was thinking."
Then he looked toward Kobe Bryant.
"Kobe."
"My childhood idol."
"The player who inspired me to spend thousands of hours in the gym."
Kobe smiled proudly.
Lin paused.
"And the only man in history who could shoot six-for-twenty-eight..."
"...then convince everyone it was a masterpiece."
The audience howled.
"Kobe always said he'd keep shooting no matter how many he missed."
"And that's why I respect him."
"Most people lose confidence after ten misses."
"Kobe considered that a warm-up."
Even Bryant couldn't stop laughing.
Lin pointed toward Blake Griffin.
"Blake."
"I'm glad you made it."
"Honestly, after the breakup I wasn't sure we'd ever see you smiling again. I kept seeing those photos of you hiking with your Shiba Inu. You looked like a guy starring in the world's saddest dog food commercial."
The audience burst into laughter.
"On the bright side, you got rid of one distraction. Maybe now you can finally focus on basketball."
Lin Yi paused and looked Griffin up and down.
"Not that it'll help you beat me."
"Or Steph."
"Hell, you might still have to fight Harden just to claim third place."
Griffin covered his face as the audience laughed.
"You've spent your entire career trying to put defenders on posters."
"The problem is, every time people talk about posters..."
Lin Yi shrugged.
"...you're usually the one hanging on the wall."
Lin turned toward James Harden.
"James."
"The last time I saw you, it was four in the morning."
"Don't get excited."
"I was heading to the gym."
"You were heading home."
The crowd roared.
"Harden's defense gets criticized way too much."
"I think people misunderstand him."
"He's not losing his man."
"He's just still trying to remember which city he's in."
Harden laughed while shaking his head.
Lin looked at Durant.
"Kevin."
"The NBA's favorite unicorn."
"Seven feet tall."
"Shoots like a guard."
"And somehow still believes Scarlett Johansson's bathwater is worth drinking."
Durant immediately covered his face.
Lin grinned.
"Kevin."
"I've got bad news."
"My daughter is three months old."
"Even she knows the taste depends on the soap."
The audience exploded.
Lin continued.
"People love comparing us."
"I don't."
"We're completely different."
"I graduated."
The room erupted again.
Lin looked at Durant with mock seriousness.
"Quick question."
"What's seven times fourteen?"
Durant stared blankly.
The silence only made everyone laugh harder.
Lin finally let him off the hook.
"Don't worry."
"I wasn't expecting an answer."
Durant pretended to walk off the place.
Next came LeBron James.
"The King."
"The Chosen One."
"The guy ESPN has introduced as 'the next Michael Jordan' for about twenty years."
LeBron laughed.
"Michael really is incredible."
"He has more successors than championships."
The audience burst into applause.
Lin nodded.
"LeBron changed teams because he wanted championships."
"I respect that."
"I just didn't realize Dwyane Wade would end up doing most of the heavy lifting."
The crowd gasped before laughing.
"Dwyane won one before you arrived."
"You came to help."
"Somehow he still had to carry you."
LeBron leaned back, laughing despite himself.
Lin smiled.
"One more thing."
"Your famous 'gather step'..."
"I have to thank you."
"You've made traveling look so natural that referees don't even blink anymore."
The room erupted once again.
Lin raised both hands.
"No offense."
"If I got your whistle, I'd average fifty a game."
LeBron pointed at him.
"That's fair."
Lin then turned toward Stephen Curry.
"Steph."
"The greatest shooter I've ever seen."
"You've changed basketball forever."
He paused.
"You've also changed defensive strategy."
"Whenever I play the Warriors..."
"I know exactly who I'm attacking."
Curry laughed louder than anyone.
Lin looked toward David Beckham.
"David."
"One of the greatest soccer players ever."
"And somehow still better looking than everyone in this room."
Beckham bowed dramatically.
"I was going to roast you."
"But honestly..."
"My wife scares me."
Victoria Beckham laughed while Beckham nodded in complete agreement.
Finally, Lin turned toward Taylor Swift.
"Taylor."
"I'll be honest."
"My biggest fear isn't losing a Game 7."
"It's dating you."
The audience burst into laughter.
"Having you as a friend is amazing."
"Free concert tickets, early access to new songs, great conversations..."
He paused.
"But one bad breakup..."
"...and suddenly I'm Track 7 on your next platinum album."
Lin pointed at her.
"See? That's exactly what I'm talking about."
"I'm not saying stop."
"So far, I'm not the guy on the receiving end of those songs."
The audience laughed.
"Keep sending me the demos. Keep inviting me to concerts. I'll happily enjoy all the benefits of being your friend."
Lin paused.
"Just don't turn me into a three-minute breakup anthem someday."
Taylor laughed and shook her head.
"Fair enough."
Lin smiled before turning toward Scarlett Johansson.
"And Scarlett."
"Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule as Black Widow and coming."
"More importantly, thanks for spending the entire night systematically destroying Kevin Durant's self-esteem."
The crowd erupted as Durant buried his face in his hands.
"You two have been absolutely ruthless tonight."
Lin looked at Taylor and Scarlett.
"Seriously, after this airs, people are going to think I'm some kind of playboy."
The audience laughed.
"So let me make one thing clear. I only have one lover in my life."
Lin slowly turned toward Steph Curry.
Curry immediately smiled and formed a heart with his hands.
The crowd laughed.
"Not you, Steph."
Lin shook his head.
"I love you, man, but not like that."
Curry pretended to look disappointed.
"I'm talking about the mother of my child."
Lin placed a hand over his heart.
"My woman, Elizabeth Olsen."
The audience applauded.
Lin turned back toward Taylor and Scarlett.
"But after tonight?"
"I'm pretty sure both of you are getting a phone call from her when this episode airs."
He sighed dramatically.
"And somehow, I'm still the one who's going to end up sleeping on the couch."
Scarlett and Taylor exchanged a high five and burst out laughing.
Lin looked back at the audience and spread his hands.
"Women."
He paused.
"Undefeated."
The audience rose to its feet in applause.
Lin took one last look around the room.
"You know..."
"I came here expecting to survive one roast."
"Instead, I found out half the NBA has apparently been saving material for years."
He smiled.
"But honestly..."
"If everyone in this room is willing to spend an entire evening making fun of me..."
"I must be doing something right."
The theater erupted into applause as Lin stepped away from the microphone, bringing one of the most memorable Comedy Central roasts the audience had ever seen to a close.
. . .
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