I stare at her.
I wish I could have protected her.
I wanted to shelter her from all the pain in the world.
I had made a promise to her back then.
The memory pushes to my mind.
Her soft voice, as she wishpers:" Will you really always stay at my side?"
Her round eyes look at me, and I see my child self reflected in them, holding her small hand.
She has curled herself up beneath her sheets, only her face and the hand I'm holding peeking out.
"Yes, I will. I promise.", I say, squeezing her hand softly.
She responded the same way, a bright smile blooming on her face, her eyes filled with a light and innocence only children have.
„You promised", she reminds me.
The moon as our silent witness, shining through the window.
This memory always made me smile.
Now, I just wanna cry, thinking about it.
Her childhoodroom vanishes from my eyes along with the scene.
I'm standing in the corridor of the school, the bright light of the midday sun falling inside.
My friend nudges me from behind.
"You alright, man? You kinda spaced out.", he says, as I look at him.
I smile and say,"Yeah, just lost in thought. Wassup?"
"We want to go, soccer practice starts in ten minutes.", he answers.
"I'm coming", I say and glance to her one more time.
She is together with some friends, one of them has layed her arm around her shoulder.
She has shoulderlong blond hair and wears make-up, the opposite of my little sister.
As I look there, my eyes meet my sisters.
For a moment I think I can read a cry for help in her eyes.
I freeze and look at her.
Does she need my help?
"Come on, man, we need to hurry.", my friend says.
I look back at her.
Now she even seemed to mouth the word silently.
Or did I imagine it?
"Hurry up, or we will leave you behind!", my friends calls from a bit further down the hall.
I turn around.
"I'm already on my way!", I answer and start walking over to them.
While walking I glance back over my shoulder one last time.
For another second our eyes meet and I seem to see betrayal in them.
Then she and her friends walk around a corner and disappear.
I must have seen wrong.
Spending time with her friends is what's best for her anyway, I know that.
I was always hellbound on that thought, believing it's for the best.
It's time I let my sister go, so that she can walk on her own two feet.
I shake my head, sprint the last bit to catch up with my own friends and start talking with them.
Only seconds later, I have forgotten the whole thing.
That was, then my demons showed.
If I was a good brother I would have thought about it more deeply, protected her properly.
Instead I just pushed her down.
I let her down.
In my memory everything is clear.
Her eyes that always shine bright, still innocent as the child she is.
And my own, that show all the darkness inside me.
That was the day I first betrayed her.
It was the day I broke my promise.
I didn't shelter her then she needed me.
It was the day the beast inside me awoke and I left her alone, staring into the darkness there the monsters hide.
The darkness were all theier demons hide and all my demons hide as well.
I should have told her not to get to close.
All my demons hide there, there it is dark.