I stared at the window for a long moment, then let my head fall back against the pillow with a sigh. My head throbbed less without the girls' shrill back-and-forth ringing in my skull.
"Are you mad? You must be mad." I spoke to the apparently empty air outside. "Why else lurk around like some second-rate stalker kunoichi? Jealousy does strange things to women, huh? Tsk, tsk. Tragic."
Still nothing. But I swear, I felt a murderous intent way more malevolent than the Three-Tails' jinchuriki radiating from somewhere beyond that glass.
I almost laughed, except my ribs shot down that idea.
Part of me felt like a complete asshole for goading her when she was clearly pissed about me nearly dying. That was vintage Anko—get angry when people she cared about did stupid, reckless shit. But I'd learned long ago that with her, sometimes you had to poke the bear to get any reaction at all. Direct emotional confrontation made her clam up tighter than a nun's... well, you get the idea.
Good thing she didn't know I'd been draining myself into Tsunami before everything went sideways. How I'd fucked the widow senseless until she passed out, and leaving me sluggish. Would I have fought sharper, dodged quicker, if I hadn't worn myself out with her pliant body and needy cunt? Maybe. Fights weren't math; you didn't just plug in numbers and get answers. Too many variables, too much chaos.
I glanced down at my still-prominent erection and grimaced. The damn thing should have calmed down by now, but it was standing at attention like a proud soldier awaiting orders. Maybe it was the coma. Maybe the residual Nature Chakra still coursing through my system. Either way, it wasn't going anywhere on its own.
"Hey," I called out sweetly, laying on the charm thick as honey. "Won't you show the generosity of that big, beautiful heart of yours and help a poor, suffering patient? I'm in extreme pain here, and your... particular talents... would really alleviate my condition. Think of it as a medical procedure."
Silence stretched for a heartbeat. Then the window slid open just enough for a small wooden skewer—an empty dango stick—to come flying through the air and smack me right in the forehead.
"Oh, come on!" I pulled the stick away, rubbing the spot where it hit. "I really am in pain here, and one of Anko's special Serpent Whirlpools would be absolutely divine right about now. I'd handle it myself, but between the burns, the broken ribs, and general bodily trauma, I've got better odds of snapping the damn thing off than getting any relief. Just once, I promise. Shinobi's honor."
Shinobi have no honor. I tried not to think of that.
I waited, listening to the sounds filtering through the cracked window. Then I sensed her shift, and hope flared in my chest—
"Wait, wait!" I called out quickly as I felt her preparing to body-flicker away, wincing as the movement sent pain shooting through my ribs.
She didn't leave. Which was something.
I scoffed, letting my head fall back. "You can be such a bitch sometimes." I could practically see her smug little smile at that. "Look, in the Lands of Waves, I made a promise to someone. Circumstances being what they were, I couldn't fulfill it yet. Her name's Tsunami—she's a widow with a kid, and I need you to bring them both to the village."
Silence.
"Tch." Anko's voice drifted through the window, sharp with irritation. "Really can't keep your dick in your pants, can you? Going after widows now?"
"Well, if you know me — and she is gone….. Nice."
I let out a long breath, dragging a hand over my face.
Still, that took care of my worries about Tsunami. I know I should have to. The widow had been managing on her own for years—not thriving, maybe, but surviving. A few more days wouldn't break her. But she was mine now. My responsibility. I have to protect her, to care for her.
Anko could be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but she knew where to draw the line. She understood what mattered. She'd always been there when it counted, just like I tried to be for her.
With her help, Tsunami should be here within a week or two. I'd be out of this hospital bed in about four days—miracles of chakra healing—which gave me roughly ten days to find suitable accommodations. Shouldn't be too difficult. I wasn't exactly a big spender, and years of mission work had built up a decent nest egg.
The real issue would come after. Even a small fortune wasn't infinite, and a place big enough for Tsunami, Inari, Shiho, whatever kids came after. Big house, big future. That would eat through my savings fast.
I really needed to get moving on those civilian-grade sealing scrolls. The market was practically begging for that kind of innovation.
But for now, I needed to focus on recovery. And... I glanced down at my still-prominent problem.
Good old-fashioned manual labor it was, then.
"Guess it's just you and me, pal."
I pushed the sheets away with a pained grunt. At least hospital gowns made access easy. Wrapping my fingers around my shaft, I started with slow, careful movements. This was going to hurt in more ways than one.
Naturally, that's when fate decided to kick me in the balls again.
"For fuck's sake!" I snarled at the ceiling. "Can't a man get one goddamn break?"
"Wha—I... uh... you're really... what the hell?!" His voice cracked like a bad flute. "That's—ugh—why are you doing?"
I dragged the sheets back over my crotch, glaring with all the dignity a man with a half-stiffy could muster.
"Seriously…." I pinched the bridge of my nose, groaning like a man twice my age. "Why are you back, Naruto? I'm really not in the mood for your circus tricks right now. Too beat up. Too tired. Too damn horny. So go ahead, shout how much of a perverted bastard I am and get it over with."
Naruto hesitated, his usual brash energy faltering for a moment. Then his jaw set with that familiar stubborn determination. "I'm not here for that crap, okay? I... I want to talk to you. For real."
That got my attention. I turned my head on the pillow, giving him a tired look.
Much as I'd rather be left alone to deal with my... situation... I couldn't just dismiss him. If Naruto had something weighing on him, I'd rather handle it now than let it fester. He was the Child of Prophecy, not to mention a friend. Ignoring him just so I could jerk off would make me a complete loser.
And I don't do that. Losing, I mean.
"Alright," I said, my earlier anger draining away. "What's on your mind?"
Naruto's eyebrows shot up, his mouth freezing halfway open in what was probably going to be a defensive protest. The surprise was written all over his face—he'd clearly expected me to brush him off. Funny.
Then that trademark grin spread across his features, all teeth and sunshine. He threw his arms behind his head in that classic pose. "Heh, you really are hopeless, Eishin, you know that? Such a perverted bastard, but you're alright, I guess."
"I think I'd manage just fine without the character assassination, thanks," I replied dryly. "But hey, if you're just here to trade insults, the door's right there. Don't let it hit you on the way out."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Naruto's grin wavered slightly as he shifted his weight. "Look, I... I let them go. Bandage Face, I mean." The admission came out in a rush, his smile not quite reaching his eyes as he waited for my judgment.
Oh, I see… so that was what was weighing him?
I nodded. "Sakura mentioned that."
"Are you..." The grin stayed plastered on his face, but uncertainty flickered in his expression. "Are you not mad?"
I blinked at him. "Why would I be?"
His eyes locked on mine, sharp blue and unflinching. For a heartbeat, neither of us moved. Then he laughed—too loud, too careless. "Tch, I knew it. You're still a hopeless bastard. Super pervert and hopeless. Legendary Pervert Eishin."
"Your observational skills continue to astound," I deadpanned.
A pause.
He scratched the back of his head, sheepish for a second before his words came rushing out, tumbling over each other like water spilling from a cracked pot. "They were so beat up, y'know?" Naruto's voice grew quieter, more serious. "Bandage Face could barely stand, and Haku... he looked like he was gonna die any second. With your raccoon summons helping out, I could've taken 'em down easy. Could've dragged 'em back. or..." He trailed off, staring at his feet.
I listened, letting him work through whatever was eating at him.
"It just didn't feel right," he continued, his grin faltering into a sad little smile. "They weren't really bad guys, not like I thought. They were just... trying to survive, y'know? Doing what they thought they had to do. And after everything that happened... he apologized, Bandage Face, had to beat him a bit more, but he did, and I…." He shrugged helplessly. "I couldn't do it."
Silence settled between us for a moment before Naruto asked hesitantly, "You're really not mad?"
I hummed thoughtfully, staring up at the ceiling. "Oh, I'm mad, alright."
Naruto made a small, amusing sound of distress.
"Mad that you eat ramen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner like some kind of deranged noodle addict. Mad that you snore loud enough to wake the dead. Mad that you don't know what a door is for—ever heard of knocking, you idiot? But…." I turned my gaze back to him, meeting those wide, stubborn blue eyes. "But I'll never be mad at you for doing what you thought was right."
A pause.
"Besides, we all came home safe and sound. That's what most matters."
His face cracked into a grin so big it should've split him in half, even as he tried to stop it.
"Stupid bastard," He muttered under his breath, not meant for me. "Heh… how can you be so cool?"
I must have misheard that last part.
This should put his fears to rest. Now if I could just get him out of here...
"If that's all you needed to talk about," I said carefully, "I've got something I need to take care of, and I'm going to need some privacy for that." My eyes flicked downward toward the tent still proudly pitching camp under the sheets.
Naruto followed my gaze. His grin vanished, then came back twice as mischievous. Uh-oh.
I had braced myself for the inevitable shouting about what a super perverted bastard I was, but….hell. This was worse than shouting.
"Sexy Jutsu!" he cried, hands flashing through seals.
"Oh, for fuck's sake—"
Smoke filled the hospital room.
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