A glaring anomaly: a perfect way to describe me. A hemorrhoid to society; a self-loathing degenerate. I didn't need anyone to tell me; I just needed the looks on their faces. Hiding away from the outside world in my room wasn't enough. I needed eternal rest—Precisely, a cryogenic freezing process. Suicide stuck out like a sore thumb; I couldn't ignore it. My brother died–my parents abandoned me–and both my sisters moved to the countryside with their husbands.
I was independent at seventeen, so I had to work a part-time job immediately after I graduated from school. It was exhausting—coming home late at night, having two hours of free time, then sleeping. I've dreamt of twenty-four-hour freedom, earning without occupation, and falling in love with my future wife. But of course, daydreaming wasn't the solution to my depression. My siblings raised me, primarily my older brother. Today, he would have been thirty-five. His name was Rin. My sisters were always too busy spending time with their boyfriends, but at least they worked and helped my brother with his finances. They didn't care much for me, nor did our parents. They blamed me for our parents' absence, screaming that everything was fine before I was born.
They left without a trace, entrusting our grandparents to care for us. Hell, they didn't even tell any of our external family. I couldn't really care less about the fact that I've never seen their faces. But if I had to guess, it was likely they left the country. I was fine with everything. But of course, like the scum the universe thinks I am, the one thing I feared had become reality. My brother was gone. Two years ago, in his bedroom, my oldest sister found him hanging.
A short distance away, as I walked home from school, I could hear a bloodcurdling scream. A sound that can make a flock of pigeons sitting on a power line scramble, the kind you never in your life want to hear–especially from family. The slow creaking of an opening door was palpable, a motion that felt like years for me. As soon as I opened the front door, I quickly ran upstairs. The screams pumped adrenaline into me. There stood up high, Rin.
My eldest sister, Ell, was on her knees–with her hand covering her mouth; her squinted eyes clouded by tears, and her chest showing erratic breathing patterns. "He's dead!" she looked back at Rin. "Shunya, he's dead!" My heart dropped into what felt like an abyss. Simply hearing those words made me cringe, a phrase so foreign–growing up, I thought the only way any of my family would die would be old. But looking at his lifeless body, nonetheless, my first instinct was to grab him and untie him. I can barely remember anything beyond that, not like I'd want to anyway.
Dear Shunya, Ell, and Amelia, and to whoever this may concern. Life had not turned out the way I had envisioned. This selfish prick wanted it all, didn't he? I'm not so sure myself why I'm doing this, considering I have so many people to care for and who care for me. Though I have my reasons, I will not share them. Because then you'll think, "Wow, that's why? Is he dumb?". I sometimes wonder that myself. But I have my reasons.
Nonetheless, this farewell note isn't about that. It's my final message to everyone. I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there with you all. I'd much rather be attending your funerals, ha! Shunya, you're the best little brother I could have asked for. I loved picking on you and seeing you cry—It quenched my thirst for blood! I loved showing you cool shit like your first cig, and I loved the way you always looked up to me.
Remember when two kids from your school in middle school were punching you, and I saved you? Let me tell you, beating the shit out of those kids was the happiest moment of my life. I felt like a superhero. No one can beat you senseless but me. Thank you for being the only person I could relate to and talk to—thank you for being the only male figure in my life.
Ell, Amelia—I know we haven't talked much ever since you both started hanging out with Richie and Miller, but just know I've always kept my eye on you. If they ever did anything to you both, I'd know. I always knew it was my duty to protect you both after Mom and Dad left. And ever since then, it's been hard. But know, I'll still be watching over you both. Amelia, Ell, thank you both for being there for me also.
There were times I almost took my life earlier. I would've if I didn't talk to you guys first. Thank you both for cheering me up all these times. Big sis, and little sis, I love you till the end of time itself. And I have one more wish: please take care of Shunya. Be there for him, talk to him, and love him. To all three of you, thank you for making my life a lot less miserable. I love you all.
Goodbye.
— Your guardian from now on, Rin
I still kept his note in my bag and read it from time to time. He had no clue what he was writing. It felt as if he wanted to write a million different things. Who knows, maybe I'll ask him in the afterlife, if there is one. My sisters couldn't fulfil his wish. His death was their final straw. I knew even before his death that their patience with me was on its last string. They were crazy about this Idea that I was a baby sent by the devil to ruin their family. A few years, right after my first job, they packed their bags and wished me luck in my future. At least they were considerate enough to leave when I had somewhat of financial stability.
In the end, I still looked up to my brother and copied his every move. Like jumping off this ledge I'm standing on. It was an 800-meter building. The cars below me looked like ants, the city landscape illuminated with corporate building lights, and the ambience of car horns thrived brilliantly through the atmosphere. The wind was one gust away from throwing me off the roof. "Look, Rin! I'm following your footsteps! You know the phrase: You were always my role model!"
I look down. My mind goes blank. Just jump. End it. Jump. Jump. Jump—It happens faster than I can process. No pain was inflicted, no sound was made, and no memories replayed. Weird—I thought I'd lose consciousness by now. But no… Instead, I feel slimy, I feel weaker–almost paralysed. I feel a touch, like a giant caressing me. I can barely breathe. No, I'm occupied; overwhelmed with emotion, but not sadness or happiness. Not frustration nor anger. It's instinct.
I see a light swiftly approaching–a light so bright it's as if I'd been in a cave for my whole life, never seeing the light of day. The giant hand wasn't a giant, but a normal human being, and the light wasn't heaven; it was a wooden cabin. I lifted my arms and saw tiny arms—twitching, almost impossible to move voluntarily. The human then rotated me and handed me to a woman. Her hair was as white as the Arctic snow, and her blue eyes were as if they were shattered diamonds. She had a blissful smile and a teary eye. To her left was a scrawny man lying his head flat on her shoulder, agonizingly resisting his sight of me.
"Honey, it's a boy."
He slowly elevated his face, and his eyes had shone brighter than a kid in a candy store. He reached his index finger towards me, and instinctively, I did as well.
"Hello, little one."