It was 8 p.m. when I headed down the five flights of my apartment building with my phone in hand. Because it was so late, there were barely any people around, leaving my surroundings almost completely deserted.
I hurried towards a family restaurant in the neighborhood. Not because I was hungry, but because my uncle—Tsukinomori-san—had called me there. He was going to lay out his conditions for employment, the ones he didn't have time to specify in our last phone call.
I brushed my hair and chose my outfit carefully, making myself as presentable as possible. I had no inkling of what he might ask of me, but I was ready to get on my knees and lick his shoes clean if that's what he wanted. Anything to be a part of the world-famous entertainment enterprise that was Honeyplace Works.
I stepped through the doors of Royal Guest, a place that was open twenty- four hours a day. I would never come here by choice; for a family restaurant, it was a little pricey, and I was frugal on account of living by myself.
Today, my uncle would be paying for my meal. He'd chosen the restaurant, too. I felt guilty, having him treat me to something so expensive, but I also didn't want to make the social faux pas of arguing with him.
The world is all about give and take, I guess.
(Truth be told, I was actually a lot more excited to get my dinner paid for than you'd think.)
"Akiteru-kun! Over here!"
I caught sight of my stylish uncle before the waitress even had time to greet me.
"Looks like you got here before me," I said. "Sorry to keep you waiting."
"No worries! Sometimes, it's the elders who have to respect the youngsters," he said, twiddling his bushy mustache.
Though his behavior gave off the impression that he was a snobbish man
of new money, the reality was quite different. He was the kind of man that all CEOs should aspire to be like. Nowadays, there were a lot of managers who became all high and mighty the moment they had a shred of power, and their temperament suffered from it, so it was rare to see one as laid back as my uncle.
I'm still in high school, though, so what do I know?
I did see a lot of it in memes depicting disgruntled office workers on the Internet, so it was probably true.
"I apologize for before," I said.
"C'mon, there's no need to be so stiff! Relax, or your joints'll be shot in ten years. Just as long as you stay stiff in the one place it counts, you'll be golden!" he guffawed.
I wanted to make a witty comeback to his crude joke, but I refrained. I sat down without saying anything, to which my uncle let out a small cough to clear the awkward air.
"Oh, we're waiting for one more by the way, but I can give you a quick rundown first."
I nodded, automatically sitting up straighter in my seat. I prepared myself to face the impossibility of the condition he was about to set before me.
"First, I wanted to let you know that I've been playing the game you sent me."
Tsukinomori-san set his smartphone on the table. On the screen was a game's start menu. Anime characters were cowering against beast-like shadows against the backdrop of a haunted house.
The game was called "Koyagi: When They Cry," and it was developed by 05th Floor Alliance. It was a simple free-to-play horror game with dating sim elements.
"I was really impressed that you managed to create a game, let alone get it on the app store."
"I wasn't the only one involved; there was a whole team behind it."
"Programmer: OZ. Illustrator: Murasaki Shikibu-sensei. Script: Makigai Namako. Then we have an anonymous voice actress, and producer and director: Aki. Which is you," Tsukinomori-san read off the credits.
"That's right. We were a team. It couldn't have been done without each and every one of us."
That's right. I made a game with a small handful of friends. No one else in
our school knew about it but us, though.
"This game's made quite a splash in the industry. 'Who are these
mysterious members of the 05th Floor Alliance?' people ask. They made an entirely new game with a coherent and engrossing plot, character designs just as charming as any professional work, and the voice acting's completely anonymous. They had no funding, yet their product has received rave reviews and reached over a million downloads through word of mouth alone..."
"That's still not good enough, though. The games made by Honeyplace Works have been downloaded more than ten million times all together."
"That doesn't compare. We pour huge amounts of money into marketing when we release our games." He grinned at me, continuing to twiddle his mustache. "You've got a really competitive product here, and your small team made it all without needing endless time or an overblown budget. I don't even know if I coulda done the same at your age. Plus, I could see why it was such a hit when I played it."
"Does that mean..." I began.
"What I want to talk to you about today is a different kettle of fish..."
In my excitement, I started to lean forward, but my uncle pushed me back
down with a finger against my forehead.
"I already know about your work ethic, and I know well the hopes you
have for you and your friends to come and work for my company. I hear you loud and clear. However." Tsukinomori-san paused. "The adult world is more complicated than you might think. I can't just hire you without any strings attached. Oh, hold on. The wait staff are waiting to wait on us."
"Oh, right. Let me see the menu..."
One of the waitresses had been watching our table politely for quite a while without moving a muscle. I thought we'd probably wait for the third person before ordering, but it was starting to get to the point where we had to get something. I decided the drink menu was a good place to start.
"It's already dinnertime, so go ahead and order whatever you want. Don't be shy!"
"Thank you," I replied as he reiterated his intention to treat me. "Miss!" my uncle called.
"Yes, sir. May I take your order?"
"I'll take an Italian steak meal, and he'll have..."
"The carbonara with a soft-boiled egg."
"Oh, and we'll take unlimited drinks for the two... uh, for the three of us!" he added.
"Three?" The waitress looked confused for a split second, before apparently remembering that we were waiting for another person. "Oh, of course."
My uncle opened his mouth again the moment the waitress turned to leave. "You have some wonderful fingers, my dear."
"I'm sorry?"
"What?" I blinked. What on earth was he talking about now?
"You handled that ordering doodad so elegantly, I was entranced." "U-Um..."
"How about it? There's space in my car if you wanna celebrate fate
bringing us together today..."
"P-Please excuse me! I have to get back to work!"
Her face flaming hot, the waitress hurried away into the back.
I don't know what my uncle was expecting.
If he was anybody else, I'd probably let it slide. But as his nephew, I felt I
had a responsibility to keep him in check and deter further sexual harassment. "Don't you think that was a little much?"
"Huh? I just spoke my mind. Isn't that how you're supposed to treat
women?"
"This isn't the sort of place where you can just say whatever you like..." "If I like what I see, I say so. If I wanna flirt with someone, I will. How
else are you supposed to enjoy life?" Tsukinomori-san said.
"I think there are other approaches, personally."
"If you like someone, you gotta let them know. The whole tsundere act is
only cute in anime, not real life."
Finally! Someone who spoke sense!
Too bad it was the same person who made a pass at a waitress he'd only
just met, but still. I had to give credit where it was due.
"Plus, it's not like I upset her or anything. Take a look."
Tsukinomori-san jerked his chin in the waitress's direction. I turned to see
her with her hands on her red-hot cheeks and letting out sigh after sigh. When she noticed us watching, she began to squirm, and responded with an awkward bow to my uncle waving casually at her.
I wasn't sure if I would call that "not upset," but it was definitely...
something.
"I don't know if that's a good reaction..." I remarked.
"Well, women are complicated," my uncle said sagely. "Maybe I got her a
little flustered, but I can tell she didn't dislike it. This kinda reaction means I only need two more shots to get her in my bed."
"Wow... I'm impressed. I think."
I'd forgotten how much of a playboy my uncle was. As a child, I remembered that he would often fight with his wife when we came over. If you asked me what they were fighting about at the time, I wouldn't have a clue, but now I was almost certain it was his infidelity. In fact, forget "almost." I was certain.
In some ways, my uncle was a real piece of work. Though I guess that said almost as much about me, as the one trying to win his favor. Speaking of which, I should probably stop having such slanderous thoughts about him. If I let any of that slip, I could kiss my future goodbye.
"May I go to the bathroom?" I asked.
"Sure, knock yourself out."
I excused myself so that I could pull it together. I had to remind myself to
see past his dubious behavior.
He is my king. He is my god. I will do anything for him... I thought
determinedly to myself as I made my way to the bathroom in the corner of the restaurant.
Given what happened next, it probably wasn't the best idea.
Since I was using around 95% of my brain power on refocusing my thoughts, I lost awareness of my surroundings. That was why I completely missed the notice on the unisex bathroom door which asked me politely to knock before entering, because the lock was broken.
"Huh?"
"...Nrk."
Everything froze. The only sound had been the click of the door as I
opened it onto the girl half-crouching in front of me.
Her fingers were hooked onto the inside of her light-pink panties which
were halfway up her thighs. Presumably because she was putting them back on. She was still as a statue, the shock of being walked in on having paralyzed her.
I could even see a hint of what lay beneath her raised skirt, thanks to her
panties not being there to cover it.
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Silence, silence, and more silence.
We stared at each other.
If she were a boy, I probably wouldn't be so overcome with dread. But,
of course, she was a girl. A very cute one, at that.
Her pale skin was so delicate that it looked like it could melt under my
touch. Her short hair was a cool silvery blonde. She reminded me of a mermaid, not least because of the shell motifs on her necklace and earrings. She was almost a head shorter than me; a petite girl. Though her body wasn't exactly filled out, her shapely thighs and soft lips were enough to make my mind wander.
Was she in junior high or high school? It was hard to place an age on her thanks to her innocent-looking face combined with how hot she was.
It was then that I realized I'd been staring too long, when I should've been thinking of a way to smooth over this mess. It didn't matter that it was an accident. I had seen that which I should not have.
In which case, the best thing to do would be to feign ignorance. What would someone who hadn't noticed this girl do?
"Maaan, I'm gonna piss myself!" I yelled.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"
Nailed it?
A scream reverberated throughout the bathroom. The next moment, I
received a forceful blow to my solar plexus. ***
"Oh my God, that's hilarious! The first time you ever met, and it's 'cause you walked in on her in the bathroom!"
"It's not that funny."
"C'mon, it's not like anyone got hurt. Well played though, I gotta say!" "You could've told me she was in the bathroom!" I protested. "You know,
before I get myself put on some kind of registry!"
It had been thirty minutes since I walked in on that unfortunate girl in the
bathroom, and right now, she was sitting at our table. I shoveled my tasteless steak into my mouth, eyeing my grinning uncle and the sullen princess sitting next to him sipping at her tomato juice. Sure, the entire thing was my fault, but that was no consolation whatsoever.
My thoughts raced, desperately clinging for anything that could count as distraction. The girl was drinking tomato juice. Iroha liked tomato juice. Was tomato juice popular with young girls these days? I liked tomato juice, too. In fact, I always had tomato juice in my fridge. Did that mean I was actually a young girl?
It was hopeless.
The silence continued.
I gave a cough in an attempt to clear the air.
"S-So who is this girl, Tsukinomori-san?"
"Oh, you don't remember her? You used to play with her a lot when you
came 'round."
"I did?" I turned my gaze back towards the girl, who was pointedly
avoiding it. "...Mashiro?"
"Ugh. Please don't say my name. It sounds so dirty coming out of your
mouth."
Clearly, she still hadn't forgiven me.
"It is you. Woah, you've gotten so pretty that I didn't even notice!" Mashiro let out a small gasp, a faint blush playing on her pale skin. She
clamped her teeth around her straw, sucking up her tomato juice even more violently, like an embarrassed vampire drinking blood.
Tsukinomori Mashiro. My uncle's daughter and therefore my cousin.
Around ten years ago we saw each other almost every month. Her, her brother, and I would run and play outside. Once our respective parents got busier with work, though, we saw less and less of each other, especially since (as children) we couldn't drive.
Last I heard, she was attending a posh all-girls school in the city. Which, now that I thought about it, made everything click into place.
The way she was dressed, and the way she held herself. It was all so incredibly refined.
"But what is Mashiro doing here?" I asked.
"Well, I brought her here. She was hiding in the bathroom this whole time, though. I dunno if she's on her period or just constipated, but either way I guess it's tough being a girl of her age."
"Dad, please. That constitutes sexual harassment."
"Aaah, a stab to my heart! You used to be so innocent, too. Is this your rebellious phase setting in, hm?"
"You kind of had that coming," I chimed in.
"Yes, you did. Although it shouldn't take a pervert like Aki to point that out."
"Ugh... Okay, that was fair, but it still hurts... or maybe that's why it hurts..."
It looked like I really was in her bad books, and possibly permanently. What hurt the most was that we used to get along just like brother and sister, and now she was treating me (deservedly so, admittedly) like trash. If I could, I wanted to make amends.
"Trust me, I would rather not be here either," she said.
"C'mon, don't be like that, Mashiro! I'm just worried about you, you know," her father said.
"As if I'll believe that, you dirty old man."
"I may be a dirty old man, but I still care."
My uncle began to fiddle with his mustache again, visibly concerned at
his pouting daughter. It was already clear to me who wore the pants in this family.
"I guess I'll just get to the point," he finally said.
"Right."
I was worried that Mashiro's appearance would derail the entire
encounter, but it seemed my uncle was back in business mode. I straightened up, suddenly nervous under Tsukinomori-san's gaze.
"As I was saying. I would be happy to offer your '05th Floor Alliance' a position at Honeyplace Works, under one condition..."
I suddenly noticed Mashiro twitch next to him. Though curious, I quickly turned my attention back to my (hopefully) future boss.
"I would like you to pretend to be Mashiro's boyfriend until graduation."
Huh?
Was this the real life? Was this just fantasy? Why was he trying to set me up to be the star of some sort of romantic comedy series? And not even an original one, at that.
Neither Mashiro nor I made a sound. The two of us were too consumed with shock. Though it took me a good few seconds, my uncle's words finally rearranged themselves in my head to make sense.
"Come again?" I asked, just to be sure.
"I want you to be Mashiro's fake boyfriend."
Oh, so I hadn't just hallucinated the last thirty seconds.
"This is so stupid," Mashiro huffed. "I can't believe you're making me go through this nonsense."
Thank goodness Mashiro was able to speak what was on my mind. I might have toned it down a bit myself, though.
"Mashiro! You will do as I say!" Tsukinomori-san slammed the table, turning so he could look his daughter directly in the eye. She turned her face away with a frown, but he continued. I could practically see the spit flying from his mouth. "I went through all that trouble to let you transfer to a public school, and you're still not satisfied?! Listen! Those co-ed high-school boys, they're sex-crazed maniacs! Do you even know what's gonna happen to you if I don't get you a bodyguard, huh?!"
"Yeah, a bodyguard, not a fake boyfriend. That's just stupid."
"No, it's not! No one would wanna be your friend if you had an official bodyguard hanging around! I'm not about to let you get bullied just 'cause I'm overprotective!"
"How about you just do nothing then?"
"No! Listen, Mashiro. Public school is a dangerous place. It's a dark world full of perverted playboys. A naive and innocent little thing like you is gonna get eaten alive!"
"Hold on, we're not all a bunch of low-level slimeballs!" I protested. "A-Anyway, does that mean that Mashiro's transferring to my school?" "Exactamundo, Akiteru-kun. I see you're as perceptive as ever. The
paperwork's all in order, and she'll be attending your school from tomorrow."
"But why?" I couldn't help but be curious. "Isn't Mashiro's old school really, really prestigious?"
The school in question was an all-girls university with a high school included. Attending that school was basically a one-way ticket to whichever elite university you wanted. As long as your behavior was good and your grades decent, you could get into college no problem. Getting into that school in the first place practically guaranteed you the best opportunities in life. So why on earth would Mashiro want to give all of that up for our school?
"Yes, but—" Tsukinomori-san began.
"S-Stop. I don't want Aki to know."
"It's unfair not to tell him, especially if he's gonna be doing this favor for
you." My uncle ignored Mashiro's pleas as she tugged on his sleeve and stared down at the table. Though he looked a little hesitant, he continued nevertheless. "The truth is, her attendance isn't great..."
"You mean she's been skipping?" I asked.
"Well, to put it bluntly... yes." My uncle nodded, glancing at Mashiro, who was holding her knees and biting her lip.
She wasn't looking our way at all, and her eyelashes were trembling. It seemed she really didn't want anyone to know about this.
"It's a long story, but..."
"You don't need to explain."
Mashiro looked up and blinked at me in surprise, as though perplexed at
my words. She watched me warily like a small rabbit, no doubt wondering why I didn't seem curious about her circumstances.
"So she had poor attendance, and now wants to make a new start by transferring. That's all I need to know. Asking for any more than that would just be nosy."
I prided myself on living as efficiently as possible. I considered sticking my nose or meddling in other people's affairs to be a waste of time. Sure, I didn't mind helping them out, but that didn't mean it was necessary for me to know why they needed help.
"Aki..."
"Oho. That's very decent of you."
Mashiro looked surprised as her uncle shot me a genuine smile.
"I understand the condition, and I understand your concern. But... I'm sort
of worried about how us acting as a couple might affect our relations with our classmates, even if it is just an act," I said.
"Don't worry about that! Having a boyfriend is a status symbol in high school. In fact, I'd be more worried about how Mashiro would fare without a boyfriend!"
"Sounds like your own high school life was pretty tough, huh?"
"Come now. I've been popular with the ladies since the day I was born!" I wasn't about to ask him about the details of his birth to make sure he
really remembered it right. I was curious about his mysterious high school days, but that could wait.
"I take it this condition is non-negotiable?" "Yup."
Dammit.
I could easily see this being one of his stupid pranks, but it looked like I was unlucky this time. The glimmer in his eyes was 100% serious. Even if he was still joking around about it, he must have had a good reason for wanting to entrust Mashiro to me like this, and that reason might have something to do with why she skipped school so often. I still wasn't going to ask about that, though. Not because I considered myself to be above such things, but because the only thing I cared about right now was securing my group's future.
"I accept your condition."
The rest was up to Mashiro.
Her eyes opened wide, as though she couldn't believe my acceptance. For
a while, she sat there in thought. She muttered to herself so quietly that I couldn't hear, shooting me dirty glances all the while.
"I guess it's fine... if we're just pretending. Plus it means I can transfer... Even though I hate everything about this, I guess I'll play along."
Seemed I wasn't the only one who stood to benefit from this arrangement. This meeting wasn't just for my uncle to lay down his condition, but so that Mashiro could negotiate the terms with him.
She was probably as shocked as I was by the whole "fake relationship" thing, although she accepted right away when she realized it would be to her advantage. I guess we had that in common.
Since we were on the same page, I could be completely honest with her. "Let's make the best of it, okay, Mashiro?"
"Don't get too used to it, toilet boy. We're just pretending. There's no
reason for me to be nice to you when nobody's watching."
"Makes sense, I guess."
Needless to say, she slapped away my outstretched hand rather than
shaking it. I couldn't remember ever having a handshake rejected in such an unambiguous manner before. I guess I was just lucky not to be in a jail cell right now, considering what happened half an hour before.
"Oh, what an adorable widdle couple! Your future together looks bright!" "How did you come to that conclusion?"
"Are you already getting cataracts, Dad?"
"See! You're already on the same wavelength!" Tsukinomori-san laughed.
"Oh, one more thing, Akiteru-kun." "Hm?"
"Remember that this is all a ruse. If you even lay a finger on Mashiro, I'll... Well, I don't think I have to tell you."
I felt a chill run down my spine at the look in his eyes.
To be honest, if he was really that concerned, he shouldn't have set up this whole thing in the first place. Maybe if this were a romantic comedy novel or something, we would end up in a happy marriage, but real life was never so convenient.
"Don't worry. She hates my guts."
"Hmph."
It was impossible for love to bloom from the soil of intense hatred. "Well, enjoy your fake love life! It all kicks off tomorrow!" My uncle
grinned. "Yes, sir."
He slapped me on the back with a little more force than was necessary. Or perhaps I just imagined it.
And so I began my new life as Mashiro's fake boyfriend, all for a position at the elite Honeyplace Works.
***
"So what do you think about fake relationships, Ozu?"
"What, like in movies and stuff? They always get together in the end, right? You never heard of enemies-to-lovers?"
"Okay, but imagine that the girl is like... super not into you. And also it's real life."
"Sounds like the start of a healthy and wholesome relationship to me, bro!"
"...Huh?"
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