It's funny.
The last vestiges of the afternoon sun were disappearing beyond the horizon. Like a scene in a movie, it was the picturesque moment that might be captured before two lovers proclaimed their feelings for each other. A beautiful instance.
I couldn't empathise with that feeling in the least at this moment…
I always find myself sitting in the same place, whenever my mood shifts from horrible to downright unpleasant. Here, I can just look at the sun pass over the horizon and all my problems seem so trivial in comparison to its vastness.
That would usually be the case…
Hugging my legs closer to my body, covering myself from the oncoming gusts of the ocean breeze. It didn't matter, the cold seeped through all the same.
But I didn't want to move.
My eyes were fixated on the image in front of me. Two familiar figures captured. I was in the same exact place… That just reminded me even more.
What a pain…
It was my own choice. I made peace with it.
And yet I'm still so frustrated.
"Tch."
I shut the school message board and placed the phone face down beside me with a small click. Removing the photo from my vision. That unpleasant image was replaced with the brilliant falling sun. My heart wouldn't settle despite this calming moment.
The cool breeze, setting sun, no noise, no people nearby. I was comfortable all alone.
Still, that feeling kept nagging at me.
Why can't I just forget?
Those words… His words. They wouldn't stop muttering around in my brain.
That annoying bastard! Who does he think he is? Tracking me like some sort of woodland creature! I know I didn't give him much option… that was the whole point. For both of our sakes. He was so insistent all that time, then suddenly acted as if he had given up.
I heaved a sigh, resting my head on my knee.
That was my own mind trying to think up convenient excuses. He clearly wanted me to approach again, otherwise there was no real reason to leave his tracking feature on. He even left the decision up to me. Whether it was Manabe or continuing our… I'm not even sure if you would call it 'friendship', whatever it was that we had seemed too soon even for that. Besides, what even is friendship?
Do you become friends the first time you share your name with a person? Is it when you've exchanged contact information? Whenever you show the faintest trace of enjoyment around them? Are we friends simply by extension of being classmates?
Obviously, none of those landmarks made any sense.
The only people I could even venture to say were friends could be Kushida and Ayanokouji. And that was just barely. I hadn't spoken to either of them in any real capacity for a week, not for lack of trying on their part…
One of them wasn't even a classmate. I doubt either had any enjoyment being around me. Kushida looked like she could stomach being friends with just about anyone, that infallible attitude was insane in my eyes. I couldn't imagine enjoying Manabe's company, although that might make Ayanokouji more insane… He never expressed any emotion on his face, never changed his tone of voice. It was always the same. Completely unchanging.
For that reason…
It really hurt when he was only putting up with me for such a stupid reason. The more annoying thing was that I really believed it. I couldn't imagine he had any other reason for sticking around…
I can't help myself, thoughts slip out of my mouth before I can even think. Those words push people away, because they're vile and unfriendly. It was a veil of iron spikes that I always donned unconsciously. It was like I trapped the rest of the world in an iron maiden. Peering from the outside too scared to enter, afraid to get hurt as well, but always looking at it longingly.
I really thought I found someone that was unaffected…
Damnit…
So frustrating.
Once again on this solitary rooftop. I found the hands of sleep laying me to rest.
That's it…
All I had to do was sleep off this feeling…
I'm sure I'll wake up different…
[Civil War]
Finally… Finally, I'm alone.
Fresh air.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Feel the salty breeze. Hold it all up. Let it bubble to the surface. Feel it. Then let it go.
Let it go.
"GOD, I HATE THAT BITCH HORIKITA!" Ah, that felt good to finally get out there… But it's not enough. My foot immediately came up to greet the banister. Impacting again and again, colliding with the harsh metallic structure.
Clang! Clang! Clang!
"Thinks she's so smart! God, she's so insufferable! I wish she'd just keel over and die!" I felt better. But I haven't even got the rest of it off of my chest yet. This haven I had found, it was the only safe place I could do this. My dorm room wasn't a safe place for me to go all out, after last time I didn't want to buy a new lamp from the destruction I wrought. I'd quickly go through the small allowance next month if that continued.
Everywhere else on campus had all sorts of blind spots, I couldn't risk someone sneaking up on me. I don't think anyone else even knew that the school was still open at this time. Surprisingly the staff had left it unlocked even at this time, it was as if they were keeping it reserved just for me.
Forget that for now. I hadn't even got the others yet! How can less than two weeks feel like an eternity?! I've been made to listen to everyone's bullshit. Stupid jokes that are the same in every goddamn group, yet they want you to react as if it's some novel idea? No, Ike-kun you are not the first person to tell me that joke, I have been told the exact same joke by all but three different groups of boys and not only was it not funny the first time... Every single one of you ruined the goddamn punchline! Maybe if you all had some goddamn charisma and weren't useless fucking virgins, I might have regarded your joke with an earnest smile instead of forced levity.
Then there were actual unique ideas… Onodera that bitch, I nearly smacked her across the face when she did that!
"Oh hey Kick you, you get it? Kikyou, kick you?" She said as she nudged the crease of my knee from behind, making my legs buckle. I nearly killed the bitch! Keep your funny ideas to yourself, goddamnit!
Finally, that left the actually promising interactions. I nearly burst out into genuine laughter at that idiot's joke. Something I'm absolutely not allowed to do! I mean how bad of a picture would it paint if I laughed at a cripple joke?! I had to put on my best frown and admonish him like a goddamn child. FUCK! If only no one was there, I could've just turned and chuckled a little! Do you know how hard it is to try and keep a straight face, to actually reprimand the one person that made me feel a smidgen of joy through these same, annoyingly dull days?
What's better than winning the Paralympic wheelchair race? Walking. Hahahahaha! "Pffft. Walking. Oh god, still gets me."
DING!
…
…This piece of garbage. If I only got rid of this thing, I'd actually get some damn sleep! The overwhelming urge to throw the plastic monstrosity in my pocket was nagging at me.
That prissy, pig-tailed slut. 'Kushida-chan can we go shopping sometime, I'd love if you could give me some guidance.' 'Kushida-chan it's not like that, he's just a friend!' 'Kushida-chan what sort of girls do you think he likes?'
Kushida-chan? Kushida chan!
KUSHIDA-CHAN?!
That high-pitched, screechy voice reappeared in my nightmares. Everyone knows you like him for god's sake! Seriously, are we in grade school or something? Who actually develops a dependency on some guy you've only known for a week? And why must you ask me at every spare moment what he's doing or thinking? If you just hiked up your skirt and bent over like the resident whore of our class, maybe he'd spare you some attention! I mean, seriously, she was plastered over his arm at all times, take a fucking page out of her book! It clearly works!
Shutting the phone off. I wouldn't let a few notifications get in my way right now, this was more important than whatever 'crisis' Mii-chan was going through…
Oh, I lost focus for a minute there. Need to make sure I vent everything out, otherwise it'll creep back up too quickly. Even if it's safe here, I can't risk coming so often. Not only that, but I also need to get up early tomorrow… Hah, annoying. At least I'll sleep like a baby tonight.
I nearly forgot about that bitch as well. Thinking she's hot shit just because I agreed to follow her for a bit. Who the hell do you think you are to call me out on a whim, huh?!
"GOD, I HATE THAT BITCH MANABE!"
"I HATE THAT BITCH MANABE!" An echo with a different voice sounded out. That isn't an ability I've ever had… Is God granting me superpowers now, in recompense for my troubles? If you were going to do that, you could at least give me something more useful… Like invisibility or something…
"Huh?"
"Whuh?"
"…"
"What do you know, you hate that piece of shit as much as I do. But what did she do to you?" Either there's a ghost on the roof or I am severely screwed… I guess I would be screwed in either case… A blue haired spectre appeared before me. Just my luck.
"…Uhm, what are you talking about? I mean, what you just heard… was just um, a mistake. Please, excuse me…" Attempting to escape as quickly as possible…
"If anything it's nice that someone else feels the same way about her." Don't make that face! This isn't a shy smile moment! We weren't bonding!
In fact what the hell are you even doing here?! What the hell was she doing here?! I need to get out of here! Quicker the better! I can think after that… Luckily, it's just her. No one will believe her. I'm sure… Yeah, not a single person would believe her, she's got no friends… I'm safe.
"You're mistaken, I was just… I got carried away. I'll be leaving now!"
"That's a shame. I only joined because it looked like so much fun." Find your own fun. Wait…
"…Fun? How long have you…" I didn't hear the door at all… Was she here this entire time? The only way I wouldn't have noticed her was if she came before me… The top roof, she must've climbed up there…
Shit! How could I be so stupid?! What the hell is she even doing here this late! This is why I hate loners…
"Dunno, I was napping for a while, just kinda heard your voice eventually." She didn't record it did she? Is she recording this conversation right now? I can't let anything else slip, or I'm as good as dead!
"…I'm sorry for this. I-I have anger issues. Sometimes it takes a toll on me. Please, don't say anything about this to anyone else, Ibuki-san. Please!" It hurt, but I had to beg at this time. Soon enough, I'll have the tables turned though… Just you wait.
"Why the hell would I tell anyone else?"
…What?
"…Eh?"
"I mean you're just relieving yourself. What's there to tell anyone?" A single eyebrow raised, she posed that question as if she genuinely believed it. Is she dumb? Why wouldn't you tell anyone this?! This was the quickest way for this friendless loser to finally get some… Hell, at the very least I expect her to tell that punching bag from the bus. Unless this is a case of not having anyone to tell? Those two seem to be avoiding each other… This might be my chance!
"…Huh? You mean, you really aren't going to tell anyone about this?"
"Forget that! C'mon, carry on. Scream it from the rooftops!"
"N-No, I can't do that! It's wrong. I really should get going…" As if I'll give you the chance to record me.
"C'mon, are you really just gonna leave me hanging like that? It's nice to finally have someone up here with me… Well, other than that teacher anyway."
"…A teacher comes up here?" How many more people are going to appear?
"Yeah, don't worry about it. She says we can use the place so long as we don't leave a mess. Plus, she's usually out of here straight after school ends."
She took in an exaggerated breath, before sounding the rapture.
"GOOODDDD, I WIIIISSSSHHHHH I COULLD KILL THAT BITCH, MANABEEEEE!" As if to prove we were really alone. She was really screaming her heart out… Even I wasn't that loud, I wouldn't be surprised if someone actually heard that.
"…"
"HAHAHAHA! That's… so much better. What do you know? You're an actual human like me…" She said, as if it wasn't already obvious.
"…What made you think any differently?" I was as human as they come. Disgusting and dark, wrought with anger and frustration. It was precisely because of those emotions, I knew I was more human than any other. But that's hardly something to be satisfied with.
"That perfect attitude you always have. I always thought there was just something wrong with me… Maybe I was defective, and I could never understand other people. And the ones like you were real, I was just some sort of fake… I think I might've been wrong. There's more in common between us than I first thought."
"Like?" I'm nothing like you. Nor would I ever want to be.
"You can actually get mad. To be honest I used to think there was something wrong with your brain! You actually sat down and tried to tell me Manabe was a nice girl. How the turns have tabled…"
"…Rude." That reference is like 10 years old as well. Maybe go outside sometimes, loser.
"But now I know it's a completely different issue to do with your brain, so no worries."
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with my brain. B-Besides, minor anger issues." I nearly got caught up with her then… Need to be careful.
"Minor, huh? Hahaha!" She snickered loudly at me, not even bothering to hide her amusement.
"There's nothing funny about it!"
"You're right, it's not funny… It's hilarious!" There's nothing amusing about this situation!
"…" Oh, just you wait. I'll make sure there's nothing for you to laugh at soon enough…
"I prefer this Kushida." She stated resolutely. But her eyes weren't focused on me, they were focused on the black night sky. She gripped the fencing as she approached the edge.
What… Don't you dare-!
"It kinda makes you feel like a real person. Before you were more like a character in a film or tv show. Like, who's that perfect all the time?"
"…" Goddamnit.
"The only thing I don't really get is why you pretend to get along with her."
"…I already told you, it's just anger issues. I get along with everyone."
"Hmm. Well, it's admirable. I couldn't ever be like that." No, because you're honest…
"Are you sure you don't mean it's pathetic or sad or just childish? Or any number of things?" For once, I asked a genuine question. I couldn't even stop the words rolling off of my tongue.
"Trying your best to get along with people even whilst disliking them. Or rather, you don't mind suffering alone if it means getting along with others. It's not something I really understand or would ever want to do myself… I mean if someone's asking for it, they should get punched. But maybe that's why you have friends, and I don't. I think it's something worth appreciating." Impossible. Don't listen to this idiot. Can you hear the drivel coming from her mouth? The only reason she can even think that way is because she's alone… She didn't cast the world aside or fall through the cracks, everyone took a look at her and decided to throw her away. What does that say about me if I actually listened to this bullshit?
"…"
"At the end of the day, everyone is just trying to get by, aren't they…"
"…"
"Hey, Kushida."
"…What?"
"…No, never mind. I'm thinking about something stupid. Forget it."
"…"
"…"
"Well then-" As I prepared to make way for the door...
"I just think it's funny that-" This bitch.
"Haah…"
"W-What?" She looked spooked as I moved closer. Wearily settling myself onto the floor, hugging the blazer tighter around my body. It got cold up here pretty fast…
"Nothing, just get on with what you wanted to say. I'm rather tired from shouting earlier, so I'd rather sit down than walk right now."
"Hehe, enjoying my company now?" So much for that.
"I'm leaving."
"Ah, I'm joking. I'm joking!"
"…Annoying."
"…"
"…Wh-What do you think about it?" What now?
"Oh, that pic?" There was only one thing that could be bothering this friendless loser. The topic of conversation for the better part of the last few days. Soon enough, most people would probably forget. Not like it was any of my business. I didn't need real opinions on the matter, I only needed to know it existed and live in the space in-between. My real thoughts were never of concern, they were only revealed for venting… It would be so much easier if they were the same.
"…Yeah."
"…The image isn't an issue, though I do think that they shouldn't have that sort of relationship-" Prepared to recite the same act I had given to every other group…
"And what's your real opinion?" Only to be swiftly interrupted.
How tiring. "…Honestly. Who cares? I don't know whether they're going out or anything else, it's none of my business."
"Huh? You don't hate her because you like him?"
"NO. Absolutely not. NEVER." I'm not you.
"Tch. I was avoiding him all this time because I didn't want to deal with her… If you ask me, they're made for each other." She talked as if she hadn't even heard the words coming from my mouth. Asking me just so you can talk about yourself, huh?
She continued with an aggravated tone. "Can't believe I was getting caught up in some pickup artist's tricks…" That guy?! Impossible. I still remember his abysmal social skills that one time we went to the mall together. The only way he was getting any action was through looks alone… In which case, Manabe might bite. She seemed a bit shallow. But that doesn't add up… It was pretty clear that Manabe was the one initiating everything, if that was all he wanted why not just take her offer? It wasn't like she was ugly, some guys were desperate enough to ignore that anyway… I'm wasting my thoughts on this. I'm amazed everyone else had bought it, though I guess most others hadn't spoken to him or just didn't care enough to dismiss trivial gossip.
"Why are you so bothered by it?" Was she still hanging onto his words from the bus? She seemed like the type that would get attached easily… This is what happens when you have no friends.
"I'm not!"
"Yeah, sure." Real convincing.
"…He's a weird guy, isn't he?"
"You aren't wrong." It seemed like the first time he had ever been in a shop when we went to the mall. Which sounds impossible… but his eyes brightened up a little as we wandered around and looked at each part. It was like walking about with a child; curious but clueless.
He really was socially retarded though.
"When he went to the mall with you… what was he like?" Before I knew it, she had joined me on the ground, hugging her knees. Hiding her face as she asked.
"Who knows? Honestly, I didn't pay any attention to him."
"…"
I repressed a sigh. "But… Don't you think there's still time for you to find out yourself?" I don't know why I'm doing this… It's the wrong choice. I'm just preparing myself for more pain and hate.
"You mean-" Nimbly standing and walking towards the door, I ignored whatever she planned to say.
"I'm leaving. Make sure not to talk to anyone about this." I just needed to get out of here.
"Kushida!" Don't stop, let your feet carry you to the door and beyond. Nothing good will come out of her mouth.
"…"
"T-Thanks…" Ibuki looked over, avoiding eye contact all the while. With a shy but grateful smile etched on her features.
Damn it… This is why I wanted to hurry. Don't look at me like that. We aren't friends, this isn't a heartwarming moment. My life really hangs in the balance right now. And here you are treating it like some secret between pals. People don't know my secrets, I know theirs! It's gone all backwards.
"Whatever. I'm leaving." The rooftop door slammed behind me before she could add anything else.
Those damn words.
She looked away when she said them.
I don't know why, but that made me want to believe in them even more…
I'm just digging my own grave, aren't I? Did you not learn the first time?
…It's useless thinking about why, I've already said it now. Ibuki was the hopeless kind that could never change herself anyway. More than likely nothing would come of it. I just had to hope that was the case.
That was probably the only thing we had in common.
The only possible reason I would give her advice.
How annoying. Still hoping to change, even now.
I never learn.
[Civil War]
Did that mean everyone was the same?
Even Kushida had those feelings. Did everyone else just hide theirs better? Or are some people always genuine?
I could feel it.
Kushida wanted to be friends with them. She wanted to be known and loved by them all. Kushida was just better at hiding her anger and making sure everyone else was comfortable.
Then does that mean…
Are Ayanokouji's actions real… or fake?
Maybe it was a mix like Kushida? There's nothing wrong with having bad thoughts, is there? Pushing those feelings down so that others are more comfortable. It was a lie…
But it was a beautiful one.
I hated ugly lies. Those that were insincere for their own sake. The lies I had told in the past were the same. Even now, I would let those empty words roll off my tongue. I would look people in the eye and tell them things for my own benefit. Even if I would paint it as their own.
He saw through that so easily… He didn't even question it.
I hate myself, because the actions I take are so predictable despite the lies that I tell everyone. Especially the ones I echo internally.
Running away from them at every turn. Blocking his number. Even sleeping on this same rooftop again…
I rushed down the stairs towards the entrance of the school.
Which way was it?
Which direction did I take the first day?
I ran, exhaustion racking my body more than it physically should… I was breathless, for other reasons.
I wanted to see him.
Would he be here again, sat on that bench in the middle of the night?
So far, he had predicted each and every one of my actions. My thought process. It was as if he had stage directions and a script in hand, one that contained all of my own thoughts and feelings. I must've been so easy to see through.
That was why I half expected him to be there… I wanted to return to that time. To make a different choice.
The bench came into sight.
I had noticed a stone close to my right foot.
Wanting to recreate that night, I couldn't help but kick it towards the bench. Prepared for those glowing golden orbs to swivel about and lock onto me immediately… For his calm voice to say something stupid I could shut down immediately…
Of course, no such thing happened.
The bench was empty.
I had already pushed him away.
Even if he remembered… Even if he knew where I was…
Who the hell would come back after that?
I had taken my phone out absentmindedly, navigating through the apps. My thumb hovered over the contact feature…
…
I needed to change myself as well.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, for sure.
---
Word count: 4144
Change is scary, but I think everyone yearns for it at some point. That goes for people like Ibuki and Kushida as well.
Kushida was trapped in the actions she could take. She doesn't know if Ibuki has recorded the events. Thus she can't threaten her. She wouldn't physically beat her in a fight either. Couldn't claim assault like she did with Ayanokouji, well she could, it's just a bit less believable. So she has to kind of just accept the situation.
As for Ibuki's situation. When hard situations strike us, like they often do in anyone's life the first thing you want is an easy explanation. One that doesn't hurt. The next step is to hope for the world to align with your wishes, an easy answer that's convenient.
Reality struck Ibuki instead. The world won't revolve itself for you or act in your favour. To get the things you want you had to step forward on your own terms and confront the troubles headfirst. Even if that leap hurt, it was the only way forward.
Hopefully you all enjoyed the chapter, let me know any of your thoughts in the comments below.
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