"…Next stop: Station )#=¿!?"·(."
The next stop the subway was scheduled to pass through could be heard over the PA system.
There was no one to wake me up; I woke up on my own. Although maybe the number of people on the train helped me wake up a little.
"…?"
At first, I was confused, but when I fully woke up, I realized what had happened. I could feel someone watching me as I became nervous, having missed the stop I wanted to take.
I can't be more of an idiot... Who would fall asleep on the subway?!
The train stopped, so I decided to get off at this stop. It was practically in the center of the city, so the station was underground.
I got off next to the sea of people leaving the metro. The number of people using the metro within the city was enormous. When I got on, there were barely any people, but now…
More than anything, it's annoying and overwhelming.
I moved away from the crowd to check that I wasn't missing anything, as the subway pulled away. Luckily, I didn't drop anything, or anyone robbed me.
I sighed, feeling calmer now, with the train gone, along with most of the people getting on and off at this station.
I don't go to the dense part of the city very often, but I've seen it before. If my head isn't mistaken, there should be a florist around there.
… Since I got off here, I'm going to buy the flowers here.
The cemetery was far enough away from where I wanted to go to buy flowers that I would have had to take the subway again anyway, so I'm not that bothered by this happening.
I left the subway and went above ground, where there were quite a few people on the streets. Typical of a city.
It wasn't claustrophobic, but it still felt a little overwhelming, even though there were a similar number of people at the convention.
It's not worth it there, there are much more open spaces...
Focusing on what I had to do here, I went to a wall so as not to disturb people passing by and took out my phone, looking for the nearest florist.
I came across one no more than five hundred meters from here, so I marched towards it.
At no point did I bother to take off the headphones I'd been wearing since I fell asleep, and in fact, the music was still playing.
At these times, more than for pleasure, I listened to it for distraction, to ignore the multitude of people surrounding me. I felt as if everyone was staring at me, and I wanted to ignore their stares.
Looking down at the ground as I walked, I followed the stream of people walking, hoping I could go where I wanted.
A zebra crossing was what I had to cross to get to the flower shop. I wasn't the only one going to cross it, so I wasn't embarrassed to hit the light.
Whenever I have to cross alone, I can't help but think about the people in those cars, watching me pass by without any glory while they have to wait.
The traffic light turned red, allowing everyone to cross. Before anyone even set foot on the pedestrian crossing, a red light was seen running through the red light.
An ambulance sped past, taking advantage of the fact that no one was crossing the road yet.
I froze as people crossed the street. I didn't move, all I did was lower my head even further, enough so that I couldn't see what was in front of me.
I stepped aside, so as not to stand out, and so as not to bother people, leaning against a tree near me.
Nothing crossed my mind more than the feeling of despair I felt at that moment. Now I wasn't alone; there were hundreds of people around me. I couldn't feel like that.
Everyone is watching.
What was I supposed to do? I was struggling to breathe. I wasn't hyperventilating; on the contrary, I was taking long, slow breaths, each breath feeling heavier than the last. It was as if the air were thicker, and less and less oxygen was getting into my lungs.
How did I calm down that time? I can't just throw myself on the floor. What do I do? I can't make a fool of myself now.
" Clown."
Calm down, damn it... Come on... Come on... Please...
"Ridiculous."
Don't think about it. Forget it. Let it go...
"Pathetic."
There's no one on this street, you're alone. No one will watch you struggle, no one will distract you.
"Coward."
Just grab the flowers and go, it's that easy. It won't take long; it's just a matter of coming and going.
"Don't waste time choosing those flowers, it's a waste of time."
No. It's important. I can't leave so quickly. I have to push myself; if I don't, I'll go back to where I was before.
"Weren't you better off before than you are now?"
I want to stop thinking about that past. The now, that's what matters, I want to think that's what matters.
"Nothing makes sense now."
I still have things. I can still try. I may not always take it into account, but there are people who believe in me. My father, Haruka, the director, Otsuki—even if I've done something horrible like this, they've forgiven me. They've seen that I'm sorry, that I'm not like that.
"But they all ignored the worst you did, even though it was right under their noses."
The video. It made me slowly see everything I shouldn't be remembering. I tried to bear it.
No. You can't think like that. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing for you to hate me for.
"They don't want to believe you. They feel sorry for seeing you like this, for saying what you say, they don't take you seriously."
Who would do it? Who could do it?
"You. Everything you say is everything you believe, right? And everything I say is what you can't say."
I would never think something-
"Will you stop playing dumb?"
A white place.
"You think you'll be able to keep moving forward just by ignoring everything. Is my mind that narrow? Seriously?"
His appearance was much more ambiguous, I could hardly recognize him. But still, I knew it was him, I was sure of it. No one else could be in this place.
I was struggling to breathe, still leaning against something, something I couldn't see. The need to breathe didn't allow me to speak, so I didn't say anything. I didn't bother to think either; it was more important to calm down than to defend myself.
"You treat everything like a game. Even knowing all this, you don't take it seriously. How many times do you have to look at his face for the last time to understand it?"
He looked annoyed, which was uncharacteristic. He didn't seem to want to take things lightly while talking about serious matters, so this time he took action in the best way he could.
"I'm sick of seeing this over and over and over again. Don't you feel like you're slowly breaking down?"
By not thinking, I didn't pay attention to what he was saying. It was more important to keep breathing, to keep walking. I had something to do.
He came up to me, grabbing the collar of my shirt.
"You ignore everything around you just to focus on yourself. Aren't you ashamed? As shy as you are, that's the only thing you're ever ashamed of."
I was forced to look at his face, instead of the ground. Thanks to his grip, I was no longer leaning on anything. Still, I wanted to avoid thinking. It was more important to breathe.
" You always regret that real life isn't a manga, a romantic comedy, but you still live it as if it were one. It's nothing more than illusions; you live as if you're acting for someone, when in reality, no one is watching."
Breathe. That alone will be enough. If I keep breathing, I'll keep moving forward, and if I keep moving forward, everything will be okay.
"None of this is right! You can't be so self-centered, thinking you're capable of doing things you can't. It's better to know your limits than to ignore them. If you try to push them like that, all you'll do is explode."
I'll keep moving forward, no matter what. Everyone will see me doing good, and they'll think I'm a good person. So, I'll keep moving forward, I'll live up to their expectations, and-
"What's the point of living if you're already dead inside?!"
His unrelenting shout got what he wanted: my attention. Maybe, as he said, I'd stopped playing dumb. I wasn't the smartest person in the world, but I understood perfectly what he meant.
"You weren't like this before. You didn't have as much trouble talking to others, you were more open, you trusted yourself a little more. Can't you allow yourself to accept praise from others? Can't you allow yourself to improve?"
…And why do you think I feel this way?
He answered me in a crueler tone, but with a human quality behind it, as if he were forcing himself to do it. Him, human? In your fucking wildest dreams.
The conversation would have gone in a meaningful direction, as I wanted to talk about the thing he so desperately wanted to avoid. At first, it seemed as if he was going to say something against me, but little by little, he accepted something, he understood something.
"… I…"
His voice was different, though I realized it late. Ever since I started talking to him, his voice sounded different. It wasn't him. Who was it? I couldn't see his-
A white place.