The cold air immediately stung Eric's skin as he and Arop exited the mall. Nyangdeng was sitting on the ground, hugging her legs, staring off into the distance, shivering uncontrollably—but that stopped the moment she turned around, snot running down her nose as she laid her puffy eyes on her brother. For a moment her eyes lit with joy, but she remembered she and her brother weren't on the best of terms at the moment. She quickly got up and wiped the snot on the sleeve of her orange sweatshirt, trying her best not to glance at the two boys behind her.
"Please tell me you remembered where they are," Arop said hopefully.
"I remember."
Arop smiled.
"Well, I thank your Lady Nature," he said, mockingly.
Eric didn't respond. He was reminiscing about what he'd said to Arop, trying with all his will to make Arop see the light—his light. But, as usual, whenever he tried to do something heroic, it ended in failure. This time felt different, though. Eric didn't feel like he'd come close to eliminating Arop's philosophy, but he did feel he'd held his ground and defended his views with the full force of his will. And because of that, Eric felt proud of himself for the first time in a long while.
Eric's face cracked into a light smile.
"Eric, when do you think would be a good time to apologize?" Arop whispered.
"Right now."
"Why now?"
"Because later you won't have the chance. Unless you want to apologize in front of everyone."
Arop chuckled.
"I'll see if I can find that chance."
Moments later, Nyangdeng finally realized she had no idea where she was going, so she stopped and let the two boys lead. Seeing this, Arop withheld a laugh. As they walked past her—
"She's so silly," he whispered, right before a chuckle.
"Why were you so upset with her?"
Arop paused.
"I was just annoyed and frustrated with her. She didn't do anything wrong. I was the one acting immature, and I should have handled the situation better. That's all there is to it…Thinking back on it now, I really shouldn't have pushed her into that glass cabinet, and I definitely shouldn't have brought up our father…It wasn't her fault. Nothing was."
Eric's mind flashed with the memory of a man being torn apart by bullets. Could it really be him? he thought.
"Was your dad part of the protest?"
"How did you know?"
"I was there."
Arop looked over at Eric, then returned his gaze forward.
"Oh…so we're both witnesses."
They walked in silence for a moment before Arop asked.
"What exactly happened in that store?"
"Store," Eric said, looking over at him.
"Yes. You said you and Thon were searching for supplies in a store, and something happened. I'm curious to know what exactly."
Memories flooded Eric's mind. He'd been trying his hardest not to think about what happened in that store—or rather, what he'd failed to do. Eric knew the decision he'd made was the right one, if only for himself; he knew any attempt to save the woman and her child would have been futile, would only have resulted in his own early death. But still he carried the guilt and shame of the moment he'd turned his back on them. And not just the woman and her child, but the people who'd been executed. He remembered their faces as they realized they were about to die. Something strange within him, something he couldn't escape, always made him feel guilty toward the people who'd died right before his eyes. It was like a curse that crept up on him, quietly whispering words of nonexistent power until he was met, over and over, with the realization that he was just a boy—a boy with no power over the world around him. He could remain still and stop resisting as the world unfolded before his very eyes, carried along by the flow of time. Sometimes he dreamed of having the authority to stop time and live in a heaven of his own, filled with everything that made him the happiest human being in the world. But on the other side there was hell, staring right back at him, letting him know it still existed, and that it was ahead of him. But Eric always ignored it and buried it deep within, constantly telling himself, don't think about it, don't think about it, it's not real, it's not real, because it can't exist in my world.
They both stopped walking as Eric turned to him, his eyes unflinching as he made eye contact with Arop.
"We broke into a store, and we weren't the only ones in there. You understand?"
Arop stared back into Eric's eyes, his gaze unrelenting and piercing, as if he were puncturing and unraveling the mental wall between them, invading Eric's very mind.
He held it until he finally blinked and nodded, then resumed their walk.
A few minutes later
The chilling air seemed to get colder and colder each time it stung Eric's skin. He tried rubbing his arms to warm himself, but the cold would immediately replace the brief moment of warmth. This was all unusual. Eric remembered Bentiu's summer nights always being plagued by heat, to the point that he'd had to strip naked and store a bag of ice under his pillow just to fall asleep. But for some reason it was cold now—much colder than a normal December night in Ghana. How strange, he thought as he led the way for the two siblings. Occasionally Eric would stop and listen for any military vehicles nearby before crossing the street. After tonight this nightmare would finally be over. Yeah…I just need to get through tonight, he told himself.
"How much closer are we?" Nyangdeng whispered, her tone the embodiment of annoyance.
"We're close."
She was about to say something, but loud engines could be heard coming down the street, and they quickly hid in the dark, where the streetlights couldn't reach them. The vehicles passed by; as usual they were manned with soldiers armed with heavy firearms, but this time there was a major difference—at the back of the vehicles a black blanket covered something. At first Eric assumed it was just weapons or supplies being transported, but in a split second the cold wind returned and lifted the black fabric, revealing a pile of corpses, some of their eyes open, staring right back at Eric. But the fact that they were dead wasn't even the most frightening part to him. It was that he'd seen some of those corpses before, when they were alive and breathing. The corpses he recognized were the same boys from before, the ones who'd smashed Adut's car window. Suddenly Eric was hit with a realization. If they could kill teenagers, was he even safe? Was Arop? Nyangdeng? Akeer? Atem? Thon? It was all so mind-blowing to Eric—he could actually die. If he was ever caught, he could take a bullet to the forehead and die just like that, lights out. He was no longer protected by his innocence; his life was no different from that of an average adult man. Eric finally understood that he was alone. His own life was in his hands, and he was responsible for whether he lived or died. Eric's mind shifted back to the teenagers; he could still picture them clearly from just a day ago. Before, they'd been full of life—they could feel anger, fear, pain, they could suffer, and they could feel truly alive. But now they couldn't feel anything. They'd been stripped of the life given to them since birth, stripped of the right, given to them by God, to exist in this world. Why would man defy—no, violate—the natural rules of life? This black art called murder shouldn't exist, but then what gave humans the authority to defy nature? Shouldn't it be survival of the fittest, kill or be killed? Why does murder exist? Unless…nature isn't one, but multiple; maybe there's a separate nature for man with its own laws; maybe that nature is called…human nature, Eric thought.
Before, the vehicles had been rushing by at insane speed, but to Eric they no longer seemed to be moving at all; time stood still. He couldn't move; all he could do was process and reflect, and through that reflection a second crack was formed.
The vehicles rushed by. Eric looked over at Nyangdeng and Arop, but their expressions were the same as before. They must not have seen it, he thought, as they rushed across the street. They ran until they were several buildings away from Akeer and Atem, but all of a sudden Arop stopped.
"What are you doing? Did you drop something? We have no time to go back," Nyangdeng said.
Eric looked at Arop in confusion, unsure what he was thinking, but confident it wasn't something dumb.
"I need to go back to my mother to tell her something."
"You can tell her tomorrow. Whatever it is, it can't be as important as Atem." She stared into her brother's eyes, pleading with him not to go.
Arop took the bags off Eric's shoulders, and his own, and tossed them to Nyangdeng.
"Eric, where's the building?" Arop asked.
Eric pointed toward the third-to-last building at the end of the street.
"Run over there, bang on the door, and tell Akeer you're there so she'll let you in."
"W-what is wrong with you? Are you stupid? Why do you always do the stupidest things? It's dangerous. Don't you realize you could die?"
Arop sighed and turned around, prepared to take the risk. But Nyangdeng stopped him, pulling his arm toward her, her grip tight.
"Don't go." Tears slipped down her closed eyes as her grip tightened.
Arop turned around in annoyance, but as soon as he saw the tears on his sister's face, he embraced her tightly, kissing her forehead.
"Don't worry. I'll come back," he whispered in her ear.
Slowly her grip on his arm loosened. She looked up at him with faltering eyes before nodding, taking the bags and rushing toward the building.
Eric turned toward Arop and asked.
"Where are we going?"
"I'm going to show you where and how they dispose of those corpses."
He saw it, Eric thought.
Arop gestured for Eric to follow and began running down the street. Eric took a second to mentally prepare himself, watching Arop charge toward something he could barely imagine, without a hint of fear. Unlike Arop, Eric was afraid—afraid of what the future would unravel before his eyes. But he knew there was no use running; he couldn't stay stagnant in time or travel to the past. There was only one way forward, and that was the future.
Eric began running, trying to catch up to Arop.
Fifteen minutes later
Eric and Arop hid under the cover of darkness, out of breath. Eric's lungs burned with each inhale of cold air, but luckily he managed to catch his breath.
"They took this part of town as their camp," Arop said.
Eric remained silent, staring up at the buildings, some lit with artificial lights, others with fire. He could hear gunshots and the roar of engines throughout the air. Eric touched his heart, a beating reminder that he was alive and that he wanted to live. He was once again tempted by the idea of running back to Akeer and the others, sleeping through the night, safe. But of course Eric rejected this. I have to do this, he told himself. I have to. Even if I might die.
They rushed across the street, stepping into the military's territory. They ran from street to street, alleyway to alleyway, trying their best to move swiftly so as not to be spotted. In every corner a red marking of the South Sudanese military logo was sprayed on the wall, letting them know this was their territory and death might await them the deeper they went. And the deeper they went, the more frequent the barbed wire became, some of it blocking off roads and alleyways. Realizing this, they knew they had to be extra cautious. Luckily some of the wire wasn't very tall, so they were able to jump over it with minimal difficulty.
The deeper they went, the more violently Eric's heart beat. It wasn't just adrenaline—it was the creeping fear growing larger the closer he got to those roaring engines and the blasts of gunfire ringing through the air. What are they firing at? he wondered, though he already knew the answer.
Arop stopped abruptly, gesturing for Eric to stay low. They'd finally reached it—the heart of the military's camp. It was guarded by a fence spanning the entire perimeter, at least twenty feet tall, Eric estimated. He and Arop watched as soldier after soldier exited a church carrying trays of food, chatting and laughing with their fellow soldiers. Some sat together in a circle around a bonfire, warming themselves. The others, not eating, stood on guard—some at the gate, some beside the fence, ready to carry out any command at a moment's notice.
Arop pressed a finger to his lips, reinforcing the fact that if they were caught, they might become two more bodies in the back of those vehicles. They crouched down, taking care with every step. Eric could swear he could hear his eardrums beating along with his heart, but he tried his best not to pay it any attention. Instead he stared at Arop's back as he carefully maneuvered through garbage, ignoring the situation, until finally they were given an opportunity to rush across the street into a dark alleyway.
"Give me that metal rod next to you." Arop pointed toward it.
Eric quickly handed it to him, too out of breath to ask any questions. Arop took the rod and smashed it into the window of a building beside them. Then he pointed up; Eric's eyes followed, and what he saw was a cloud of black smoke ascending into the sky.
"We'll be able to see everything from upstairs," Arop said, jumping into the building.
Eric followed, and they both climbed the stairs. With each step Eric took, fear crept up more and more, until his entire body became one instrument of fear, beating rapidly with its rhythm. He wondered what monstrosity he'd see, what great act of black—these thoughts kept churning in his mind until his eyes and body were nearly devoid of consciousness, moving forward only thanks to another, more haunting fear: the fear of becoming what he saw, if he kept running away from what faced him.
Somehow Eric's trembling body managed to drag him up to the fourth floor of the building, just high enough to overlook the roofs of the smaller buildings and see part of the town. In some places black smoke ascended into the sky, and at their source was an orange, flickering light.
"Eric, look over here," Arop said, whispering from across the room.
Arop moved aside, sitting on a table and watching as Eric looked down from the window. What Eric saw sent his heart plummeting to his gut. Below them, soldiers were throwing corpses into a huge furnace. The way they did it was so unsettling to Eric; it was as if they'd done it many times before, as if this weren't their first time doing something so atrocious. "They toss the bodies of people who were once alive, who could once feel. Tell me, Eric, is there really a difference between humans and beasts? I don't think so," Arop said, now standing right beside Eric, his expression calm and composed, just as before.
Eric turned to him slowly, his eyes wide, burning with emotion. He could feel them watering, about to spill over, but Arop pointed down at something.
"Do you see them, Eric?"
It took a while for Eric to see what Arop meant, but when he did he had to take a step back. Looking right at him were the eyes of those infants—the same ones who'd been playing in the underground camp. It was them, but it wasn't. What Eric and Arop saw wasn't the same children from before; it was their lifeless corpses, completely stripped of their innocence. Eric didn't even want to imagine what they'd seen and felt when they died; it would be far too painful for him.
One after another the soldiers disposed of their lifeless bodies into the fire. Eric watched, unaware of the tears flowing down his face. He could swear he heard the crackling of the fire as their clothes and bodies burned, erasing the last piece of evidence of the people they'd once been, making them no different from the countless corpses humans have made throughout history.
"Do you see them, Eric? Men, women, and children alike, getting burned to ash until they're completely forgotten. How do you think they feel, knowing they never got the chance to finish their lives, cut short so soon? Really think about it. How would you feel, knowing that everything you've ever worked for, everything you ever cared for, everything you ever loved, is meaningless, and will eventually turn to ash and blow away with time? How would you feel, knowing the same fate awaits the people you love, the same people who will mourn your death? How would you feel, knowing there will be nobody alive to remember you, trapping you in the past, unable to advance to the future…What I would feel is rage—an unending, burning rage toward man, a rage far larger and mightier than that fire. Eric, this is the truth. The reality you refuse to accept."
Eric remained silent, eyes unblinking, until something caught his attention. It was a teenage girl, hiding in the shadows of the alleyway. She held a pistol in one hand, her eyes glaring at the soldiers as tears streamed down her face, ready to carry out her vengeance. She rushed out of the alleyway, firing shots at them. She managed to shoot one soldier in the side of the head and another in the neck and chest before being immediately showered by a hail of bullets. She fell to the ground, somehow still alive, but barely. She coughed up blood as she shakily raised her gun, trying to take one more with her, but it was kicked from her hand. A soldier pointed the barrel of his rifle at her head, ready to end her. As Eric watched, guilt, fear, and anger boiled within him, resulting in a sudden burst of emotion. He slammed his fist on the glass window, alerting all the soldiers. Arop tried to forcefully cover his mouth and pull him away, but Eric pushed him off and yelled.
"Leave her alone! Don't you dare pull that trigger!" But just as he yelled that, a shot rang out.
Then, for a second, silence—only the crackling of the fire could be heard. As for Eric, he was in shock; his mind couldn't process what had just happened. He stared out the window at the lifeless corpse before his eyes, a trembling smile appearing on his face, followed by a chuckle, as tears slid down his cheeks. Then all of a sudden Arop pushed him, and as he did, an orange light came crashing through the window, followed within seconds by a hail of bullets that completely shattered it.
"Get them! They're in that building!"
Eric quickly crawled beneath the hail of bullets, got back to his feet, and began running with Arop as if his life depended on it—because it did.
They jumped out through the broken window and ran into the street. They no longer had the privilege of looking or being quiet; it was either run for their lives or die. And that's what they did. With every street they crossed and every alley they turned into, they could hear the growing sound of soldiers chasing them.
"They just turned this corner."
Eric looked back and saw a soldier pointing his gun at them. He heard the roar of the gun as an orange light zoomed just centimeters from his eye. They turned another corner, and just as they did, a hand appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Eric by his shirt sleeve, but Eric kept running frantically until his shirt tore away from his body. They ran and ran until Arop spotted a manhole. He quickly removed the cover and let Eric jump in first before following, covering the manhole behind them on his way down.
Now they were running through the sewers of Bentiu. Eric, of course, had no idea where he was going, but for some reason he trusted the boy who seemed fearless more than he trusted himself.
"You know, Eric, this is a terrible time to say this…but you are the most stupid, most idiotic person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Hell, you're even more idiotic than Atem," he said, chuckling, followed by restless breathing.
Eric remained silent.
"I won't ask why you even did something so stupid. …But anyway, we survived. That's all that matters right now. …By the way, I memorized Bentiu's entire sewer system, so I know exactly where we're going."
Eric still remained silent.
Ten minutes later
Arop lifted the cover of a manhole. Both he and Eric emerged coughing, having inhaled the burning cold air of the sewage. But they didn't even get a second to rest, because almost immediately the roar of military engines gave extra weight to the air. Both of them immediately got up and rushed to the building where the others were, banging on it.
"Akeer, open up."
The sound of military engines got closer and closer until the window, which had been barred with heavy furniture, was moved, revealing the two girls' faces, beckoning them to jump in. They quickly climbed inside and began moving the furniture back to seal the broken window, but just as they'd nearly finished, someone fell through. Eric's heart almost leapt out of his chest before he realized it was Thon, and he was bleeding from his right leg. They sealed off the window, and Akeer and Nyangdeng quickly hoisted him up, using their bodies as crutches. Meanwhile Eric and Arop stared outside from behind a window, using a curtain to hide their faces. The vehicles slowly patrolled the street, much more slowly than before, as if they were looking for something—or someone. They eventually turned a corner and disappeared down the road. Seeing this, Eric and Arop immediately breathed a sigh of relief. It's finally over, Eric told himself. As they turned, they were immediately surprised by two girls hugging them. Nyangdeng hugged her brother, and Akeer hugged Eric. Even though Eric had only met them the day before, it felt as if he'd known them his whole life. Eric embraced her in a tight hug; normally he felt shy about that kind of thing with girls, or people in general, but for some reason he didn't now—all he could feel was warmth, the warmth of another human being. Tears flowed from his closed eyes as his hug tightened.
"Um…are you okay?"
His eyes opened, and he pulled away, revealing the tracks of his tears.
"Yes, yes, I am."
Eric could hear Nyangdeng snickering beside him, but in that moment he didn't care, because he'd just been saved, and he'd just been reminded of why he fought against Arop's philosophy in the first place—and that reason was her, Akeer, a goddess of love and meaning incarnate. He considered her as such because she was. She was his entire argument—that with love you can build your very own reason for living and fight against the black that plagues humanity. Love can take many forms: purpose, a love of a hobby, or love for a person. It's a force that can't be measured and can't be broken; it's the very thing that keeps a man going, that gives humans strength in desperation. Love is boundless.
Eric smiled at Akeer, and she smiled back, shakily, before retreating to the other room with Nyangdeng to tend to both Atem and Thon.
"Eric, are you okay?" Arop asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Eric nodded, wiping his eyes.
"Arop, one day I'll show you that you're wrong. No matter how many years it takes me. I promise."
Arop stared at him for a moment before replying with a chuckle.
"Okay, Eric. I'll be waiting."
A half hour later
The warm smell of food seeped into Eric's nostrils. He could have sworn it had been an eternity since his last meal, even though it had only been a few hours. He watched as Akeer's hands scooped spoonful after spoonful of jollof rice and pieces of chicken. She passed plate after plate around the room until Eric's finally reached him. The warmth of the food enveloped his face, warming him further. As he took his first spoonful, his tongue danced in his mouth, savoring every bite.
"Thon, what happened to your leg?" Nyangdeng asked, glancing at him.
"Oh, me and Eric were at a shop, but soldiers ended up being there. The only way to get the first aid kit for Atem was to break in, so I did."
"You did what?" Akeer said, her voice rising with surprise.
"Yeah, and I told Eric to bring the first aid kit back, just in case I didn't make it back. Luckily I did—I got lost, hid from building to building, and got shot in the leg, but I managed to make it back."
The whole room went quiet for what felt like ages to Eric, until Nyangdeng grabbed Thon's arm and said,
"Oh, that was bravely stupid of you."
Thon chuckled.
Throughout dinner everyone shared memories and their own experiences—some about home, some about school, some about sports, some about Bentiu. Eric looked over at Akeer and noticed something off about her; she seemed bothered by something. He could tell because she didn't strike him as the quiet type around her friends, so why was she so quiet now? The only logical conclusion Eric could come up with was that something was bothering her—it was how he acted whenever something bothered him. But he didn't think much of it; he assumed she was just worried about her brother Atem.
Of course she's worried, he thought. Her brother had been badly burned by a flying Molotov cocktail. Of course she was sad.
After everyone fell asleep, Eric stayed up, sitting on the cold floor, wrapped in a blanket, thinking about what he'd seen earlier. Every time he closed his eyes he could see flashes of it—the little girls' faces, burned in the furnace. He remembered how their faces had morphed and burned into something ugly and unrecognizable. Eric shivered.
He saw flashes of that girl's face, frame by frame, as she realized she really was about to die. And again…I couldn't do a thing, he thought, clenching his teeth. Then suddenly he felt someone tugging his blanket.
"Hey. Could I lean on your back?"
Eric recognized that voice—it was Akeer.
"Sure," he responded.
She sat down behind him, wrapping herself in his blanket and leaning against him.
Eric's breath caught; he could feel Akeer's warm back against his. They leaned against each other in silence before Akeer broke it.
"Well, I don't think we've had a chance to talk one on one before, so…hi," she said, awkwardly.
"Hi."
The room returned to silence. Neither of them was sure what to say to the other.
"So how was your day? Was it terrible?"
"It was. It was like a rollercoaster of shock, fear, and anger."
"Oh, really."
Silence returned once more. Eric frantically tried to dispel it; he wanted the conversation to last.
"How was your day?" Eric asked.
"The same. I'm constantly on edge whenever my brother moans."
"Oh."
Akeer was silent, then all of a sudden Eric could hear sniffles coming from behind him.
"Why? Why did this have to happen to my brother? Out of all the people in the world, why him? This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the—" she said, pausing, slamming her fists against Eric's back, until she suddenly stopped.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"It's fine. Now we've both seen a really embarrassing moment for each other, so we're even."
Akeer chuckled slightly, still sniffling.
"Akeer, are you part of the revolution too?" Eric asked.
Akeer was silent for a moment, surprised and unsure whether to answer truthfully.
"Did Arop tell you?"
"He did," Eric said.
"No, not really. Our parents are part of it, but me and Atem aren't. …Why? Are you judging us?"
"No, no, of course not. I was just honestly curious, that's all," Eric said, hastily.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Do you think what's happening is our fault?" Akeer asked.
He hesitated to respond, unsure of the answer—though in truth he already knew it; he was just trying to find the right way to say it.
"It's everyone's fault. I'll say that."
"Everyone's fault," Akeer repeated.
"Everyone's fault. Maybe you're right," she said, resting her head on his back.
"You know, Eric, we've only known each other for a day and a half—wait, no, that's not true. …Oh, I remember now. You were that little boy who ran out in the rain naked. My memory of it is kind of foggy, but I remember my older sisters covering my eyes while they laughed."
Eric took a moment to respond, embarrassed.
"I really hoped you'd forgotten that," he said.
Akeer chuckled.
"I knew I recognized you from somewhere; I just didn't know from where or when. …But as I was saying, we've only known each other for a day and a half, but talking to you now, it feels like I've known you my whole life. Other than that once. Did we ever meet again, by any chance?" Akeer asked.
"No, I don't remember us ever speaking before yesterday."
"Oh, okay then. Do you mind if I sleep right behind you? The ground's a bit too hard for me."
"Sure."
And within a few minutes she was already asleep. Eric could feel her body move with each breath. Eventually his eyes grew heavy, until one after another they finally shut.
The room was silent, save for the breathing of the sleeping. Everyone breathed regularly except Arop, who was very much awake, listening to Akeer and Eric's conversation.
He let out a soft sigh before finally closing his eyes.