"My time is valuable. I don't understand why I am here."
The words slipped from his mouth like knives disguised as air.
My reaction was not calculated.
Shocked, I sat there, praying silently,
"God, take away this ability to feel,
to yearn, to love.
Take away this softness that keeps breaking me."
I called.
I hoped.
I thought. I thought.
"You mind is playing ping pong,
or you are playing ping pong with your mind," he said.
"I do not know what you don't understand."
I looked at him and for a moment wished
I had never met him.
I wished I had guarded my heart.
I wished I had built stronger walls.
I wished I had. I had.
Now I lie on my bed,
rewinding the fragments,
wondering if my body betrayed me by sitting there,
by listening,
by trying to translate words
that were never meant to honor me.
Intimacy of the soul
that is what I longed for.
And yet I keep asking myself,
what is wrong with me?
Why do I not listen when the signs scream?
But perhaps it was not foolishness.
Perhaps it was protection.
Protecting my body, protecting my laughter
I had not seen it then
but now I know.
I convinced myself you had seen me.
I mistook curiosity for care
attention for devotion
your questions for permanence
Naivety cloaked itself as hope
and I wore it willingly.
Yet one thing I refuse
I will not be guilty for loving as I love
For giving as I give
Even if it leaves me bleeding.
Maybe when you asked what my favorite flower was
it was never about the flower at all
Maybe it was God's way of reminding me
that I am worthy of being loved
cared for
smiled at
and seen.
It hurts
God, it hurts a little bit more each time
But I am okay
I am okay because I choose to be
I choose to rise from the ache
I choose to sit with my body
to honor its stillness
to breathe through its silence
and to keep believing that love
the kind that is whole and true
is still possible