9:46 a.m. – Saturday, September 14, 2010
Andrew, Haley, Alex, and Luke got up early that Saturday.
Since it was Claire and Phil's anniversary, the plan was to prepare breakfast for them and bring it to bed as a surprise.
Of the four, Andrew was the one with the most cooking skills, thanks to recipes he had once shown on his channel, so he was in charge, helping Haley, Alex, and Luke. He also wanted to contribute; his aunt and uncle were important to him.
"Hey," said Andrew, stirring the pan.
"What is it?" asked Haley, looking up from her phone from the nearest stool.
Off to the side, Alex and Luke were preparing the tray and the drinks.
"As far as I know, you've never given your parents an anniversary gift, right?" Andrew asked.
"No, never," replied Alex.
"It's impossible to give them anything," added Haley with a shrug, "What money would we use? Theirs? A gesture like this is better."
Andrew nodded in agreement. "You have a point… but help me cook, or this gesture is going to have more of my credit than yours."
Haley scoffed, but stood up and joined him. "I didn't know you could cook anything besides protein shakes, rice, and eggs," she joked.
"I can cook normal, delicious food. The fact that I don't eat it often is another story… my cooking skills are respectable," Andrew replied with a faint, confident smile.
"Could it be…?" Haley gave him a narrow-eyed look, already wearing the smirk that signaled she was about to tease him. "Did you get private lessons from your biggest fan, Monica? Did she send you little videos with tips?"
"She has a life; I wouldn't ask her to give me cooking lessons just because she's a fan of the channel," Andrew denied.
"Is that… or are you afraid Pippa might find out and throw another jealous fit?" Haley asked in a low voice.
Andrew glanced at her sideways. "You mean about the Monopoly thing?"
"Yeah. She ruined your master move just because of a possible chat with a girl you barely know and only see at school. Big deal… it's not like you were going to try anything with that cheerleader," Haley said, this time sounding defensive.
Andrew gave a wry smile. "I see your point… but you're not the best person to talk."
Because yes, Andrew couldn't deny that the whole Pippa situation, which had started over a month ago, was beginning to wear him down. At first, he thought it would be nothing, something they'd get over quickly. They had always had few arguments and both tended to be mature, but it hadn't been the case.
Between passive-aggressive comments and attitudes bordering on toxic, Pippa's insecurity, or lack of trust in him, had only grown, especially after Andrew transferred to another school and, in just two games, became a sort of celebrity at Mater Dei.
"What do you mean?" asked Haley, raising an eyebrow.
"Criticizing other girls for jealousy or toxicity…? You, Miss 'I don't like my boyfriend looking at another girl for even two seconds'?" Andrew said, raising an eyebrow and giving her a faintly mocking smile.
"Oh, remember?" Alex jumped in with a mischievous smile. "I still laugh at Dylan's face, so confused and completely clueless."
The scene they were talking about had happened quite a while back, during the time Haley was dating Dylan, the boyfriend she had lasted the longest with… and also the one she had broken up with and gotten back together with the most.
That day, the four of them: Andrew, Alex, Dylan, and Haley, were at a shopping mall. At one point, Dylan glanced at a girl walking by, barely five seconds, maybe less. There was no smile, no comment, no leering look… just a couple of seconds of distraction.
And yet, Haley threw a full-blown jealous fit, serious, with no playful tone at all.
Dylan froze, trying to figure out what he'd done wrong, while Alex and Andrew wrestled with whether to step in or hold back their laughter as they watched the drama unfold. They chose the latter.
That's why Haley now criticizing Pippa's jealousy or toxicity toward Andrew wasn't exactly logical. Especially considering Andrew wanted to talk to and ask a favor from Madison, the head cheerleader at Mater Dei, given that he was the starting quarterback and the team's star player in recent games.
If Haley had a boyfriend in that position, chances were she'd do the same thing Pippa did… or even worse.
Haley looked at Alex with a grimace. "It was different."
"Sure…" Andrew said, dragging out the word with irony. "Different because it was you."
Haley shot him a sharp look, but Alex was already laughing, enjoying her older sister's expression.
"Dylan wasn't as trustworthy as you," Haley said, pointing a wooden spoon at Andrew. "I know him better than you guys do. I saw chats he had with other girls, and that's why I didn't trust him… but Pippa has no reason to distrust you. You've never given her a reason for that."
Yes, Haley knew about the beach day with Rachel and Monica. She'd been there herself; she was the one who invited Andrew, in fact. Leonard and Howard were there too. Nothing had happened between Andrew and Rachel, no matter how some photos might have been misinterpreted.
She'd seen it with her own eyes: at no point did her cousin flirt with Rachel or Monica, not even remotely. She knew him well enough to recognize he simply had a knack for getting along with people.
Same with Willa. Sure, it was true she had given him an expensive gift, something she might not have done for Leonard or Howard.
But for Willa, Andrew had been her first geek friend; thanks to him, she'd met a group with whom she could share her love for comics, video games, and movies, and hang out on Fridays or Saturdays without feeling out of place. It was understandable that she felt a special fondness for him.
Haley had never seen any clear flirting from Willa toward Andrew, nor from him toward her.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Haley," Andrew said with a sincere smile.
"Don't praise him too much or I'll have to call Pippa and tell her about it," Alex cut in mockingly, "And while I'm at it, I'll remind you we're not in Alabama, so stop flirting with your cousin."
Andrew burst out laughing instantly, while Haley whipped her head toward her sister, eyes wide.
"Alex, shut up!" she exclaimed, visibly embarrassed.
"Don't hit her with the spoon," Andrew said, still laughing. "But seriously, thanks."
In a few minutes, breakfast was ready, beautifully arranged on the tray: golden toast, freshly squeezed juice for Phil, coffee for Claire, fruit laid out like in a magazine photo.
Andrew woke Luke, who had fallen asleep in his chair with his head resting on the table, still exhausted from last night's marathon Monopoly game.
"Come on, Luke, make a good impression on your parents, and then you can go back to bed. Maybe they'll even buy you some candy because of this," Andrew said.
"Yeah…" Luke replied, stretching like he'd just woken from a three-hour nap.
Haley grabbed the tray and started up the stairs, with Alex and Luke following. Andrew was last, his brow faintly furrowed.
'Why do I have this bad feeling?' Andrew thought.
It was like a strange pressure in the back of his neck, an alert that didn't come from any logical sense. While cooking, that feeling had been there, bothering him like a constant buzzing.
There was something about this day that felt familiar, yet hazy.
And then, halfway down the hall, the memory came.
A scene. A Modern Family episode. He couldn't remember the exact season or number, but he was sure it was one of those memorable moments. Funny if you watched it as a viewer… not so much if you lived it in person.
Claire and Phil being caught in the middle of sex by their kids trying to surprise them with breakfast in bed, a bad idea.
By the time Andrew tried to stop them, it was too late.
"Ready?" Haley asked.
"Yes… one, two, three," Alex counted.
Luke opened the door.
"Surprise! Happy anniversary!" the three of them sang in unison.
Time slowed for Andrew, like when he read defenses on the field. He caught Haley's eyes widening like saucers, Alex's face turning to stone, and Luke's neutral expression, not quite understanding what he was seeing.
And then, the image he would rather never have witnessed: his aunt and uncle, far too busy with each other to even notice that their kids, and their nephew, had walked in.
A shrill scream from Haley and Alex filled the room.
Phil let out a startled "Oh!" as he scrambled to cover himself with the sheets.
Claire screamed, "No!" as if that could erase the scene.
The tray Haley was holding hit the floor, scattering toast, juice, and coffee, but no one cared.
Luke bolted out, followed by Alex, and then Haley, who was covering her eyes with her hands. Andrew didn't scream, but he turned around as fast as he could, frowning with an expression of disgust.
"Nothing happened here!" Phil shouted from the bedroom.
"Oh, my God!" Andrew heard Claire say before he left, in a tone of What have we done?
[Phil and Claire's commentary]
"Yes… the kids surprised us," Phil said, nodding as he sat down on the couch. Claire was next to him, looking embarrassed.
"As they say, 'having sex,'" Phil added with a nervous smile.
"That's not even a euphemism, Phil. That's exactly what we were doing," Claire replied, staring at him.
"Having sex… in front of the kids," Claire repeated, staring straight ahead as if she were still processing it.
Then she sighed, bringing a hand to her forehead.
"And also in front of Andrew…" she added. "What if this affects his performance in his first league game on Friday?"
"Relax, honey," Phil said, trying to calm her down. "Andrew's probably the one who'll be able to handle it best."
[End of commentary]
Back in the Dunphy kitchen, Alex was at the sink, leaning over the faucet, rinsing her eyes with water as if she could wash images out of her brain.
"I can still see it…" she said, in a tone between disgust and the verge of tears.
Haley was pacing back and forth. "I can't believe that just happened," she repeated, moving her hands nervously.
"What were they doing?" Luke asked, sitting on a stool, a bit calmer now.
He had run and screamed only because his sisters had. The scene had left him with a strange feeling… like when your parents kiss in front of your friends, but multiplied by a thousand.
"Nothing," Alex replied quickly, drying her face with a towel.
"Whatever it was… it looked like Dad was winning," Luke said with total innocence.
"It. They were doing it," Haley said, stressing the word as if it were cursed.
"He has no idea what you're talking about!" Alex said, putting on her glasses.
"Sex?" Luke asked, frowning as he sought confirmation.
"Yes..." Alex confirmed, surprised.
"I know what sex is, Alex," Luke said, standing up with a know-it-all expression.
Alex looked at him in horror, more because of the mental image than what he might say.
"It's when a man and a woman take off their underwear and get into bed," Luke explained with absolute seriousness.
"Stop talking!" Alex begged, squeezing her eyes shut.
"Did a friend at school tell you that?" Andrew asked for the first time, amused by the definition.
Haley looked at him in disbelief. "Why are you so calm?" she demanded, indignant that he wasn't as rattled as they were.
"I don't know…" Andrew said with a shrug. In truth, he was rattled, but he wasn't the type to easily show his emotions. "Hey, at least we don't have to worry about whether they're still in love."
"Andrew!" Haley shrieked, horrified and wishing she could die on the spot.
"Oh, I see… humor as a defense mechanism," Alex commented analytically.
Andrew gave her a slight frown. "You've already recovered from the trauma so quickly that you can start analyzing people? I thought it would take you longer to process the fact that your parents use the doggy style."
Alex immediately made a disgusted face. "Ew! Shut up!"
"Enough, enough, don't start fighting," Haley intervened, stepping between them. "It's been over ten minutes… why are they still upstairs?"
"Yeah…" Luke added. "How long does sex last?"
Andrew turned to him and replied, half serious and half joking, "Depends. It can be quick or… sometimes… very long."
"Oh my God!" Alex protested, covering her ears. "You two, stop talking, you're making it worse."
Realizing Alex might have a point, Andrew stood up and grabbed his car keys. "Let's go. We can't wait for them to come down, it's going to be way too awkward. Breakfast is on me."
"Yes!" Luke exclaimed, excited about riding in the Camaro.
Haley and Alex immediately agreed, just to get out of the house and avoid an uncomfortable talk with their parents.
Less than a minute later, the four of them left in their pajamas, avoiding looking upstairs as if ignoring the second floor's existence would erase what had happened.
Five minutes later, they were sitting in a nearby café. If anyone had seen them, wearing pajamas, messy-haired, and with Luke eating a hot dog while playing with a lighter, they might have sworn they were runaway kids. They wouldn't have been far off.
"Be careful with the lighter, buddy," Haley said, taking a sip of her coffee.
Alex, who had been staring out the window for a while, finally spoke. "All right… I'm going to say it."
Andrew looked up from his phone, curious.
"Our parents are irresponsible," Alex declared firmly. "And I'm not just talking about what we just saw… which is traumatic."
"Forget it," Haley said, wanting to drop the subject.
"No. We're lucky to be alive."
Andrew gave her a weird look. "Lucky to be alive? What, does seeing your parents having sex give you a heart attack?"
"I don't mean that. I'm talking about their track record. How many times did they let Luke wear shorts in winter? Or put me in the front seat before I weighed sixty pounds? And don't even get me started on never closing the stair gate when we were babies."
"I get your point, even if it's a bad one, but that's still better than having parents who are always fighting or divorced," Haley said.
Andrew gave her a thumbs-up, recognizing Haley's rare moment of maturity.
"Haley's right. Honestly, even divorced or fighting parents are better than having no parents at all," Andrew added.
Alex was about to fire back at Haley, but she fell silent. She knew what Andrew meant. He was adopted and had spent five years in an orphanage, though she assumed he didn't remember much.
What she didn't know was that Andrew was thinking more about his past life, being raised only by his grandfather and losing him very young.
"You're right… maybe I was exaggerating," Alex admitted, scratching her head.
Andrew patted her shoulder. "It's fine. Totally normal after witnessing that scene… I'm just surprised they were so quiet. If they'd made some noise, you wouldn't have opened the door."
Haley grimaced at hearing Andrew refer to her parents' sex as "quiet" and decided to change the subject. "Have you ever wondered who your biological parents are?"
Andrew shrugged. "Not really. I already have a family."
"You're right. Still, I'm sure they'll regret it when you're a professional player," Haley said with a smile.
"Count on it. I'm not giving them a single dollar of what I make," Andrew replied with a small laugh.
After several minutes trying to talk about anything except what had happened in Phil and Claire's bedroom, Andrew stood up. "All right, time to head back."
"No, no, they'll want to talk about it," Alex said, shaking her head.
"Yeah… the most awkward part," Haley added with a grimace.
"Sooner or later you're going to have that talk. Better now so we can bury it quickly. Just nod and smile," Andrew said.
"Like at school!" Luke chimed in.
"Exactly," Andrew nodded.
Back in the Camaro, Haley glanced at him sideways. "And you? Are you going to stick around for the awkward moment with us, or are you going to ditch us?"
"They're your parents, not mine. I'll just act like this never happened," Andrew replied, starting the engine.
When they got to the house, Haley, Alex, and Luke got out. Andrew said goodbye and, without turning off the engine, drove off down the street.
"And he acts like it didn't affect him," Alex said with a small smile, one that faded as soon as she looked at the front door, as if it were the entrance to a final boss.
"All right… let's go," Haley sighed, leading the way back inside.
The awkward incident at the Dunphy house remained an anecdote none of them wanted to remember.
And so Friday came, the day of Andrew's official debut with Mater Dei in the Trinity League.
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