This can't be.
This cannot fucking be.
"Renay," I muttered the name once again, to which Selena opened her eyes. She then looked at the paper in my grasp.
Then closed her eyes.
I looked at Eloisa, staring deeply into her eyes.
I had to understand one thing.
How did she know this name?
Since the moment I woke up in this world with my memories… I had always tried to recall this name. I kept trying, but I just couldn't. Whenever I tried to recall a shared memory of us, her name seemed to always be blurred out. It was always so frustrating, but there was literally nothing I could do about it.
Nothing.
So, if 'I', who should be the one to remember, couldn't, how the hell does Eloisa know it?
She smiled, then kept eating in silence.
At this point, Ariana had noticed something was wrong and tried to see what was in the paper, but I just crumpled it.
"Tsk," she clicked her tongue and sat back.
"How do you… know this name?" I asked as calmly as I could. I could already feel that familiar, intense possessiveness I always had for Renay starting to grow. It was trying to overwhelm me.
[You are losing control,]
I heard, but what could I do?
This wasn't me.
I always knew what I felt for Renay was somewhat forced… implanted in a way I still can't understand, because I still this moment, can't understand how I went from being a suicidal loner who always fantasized about killing everyone, to… ME. It never made sense. The way she changed me just doesn't seem logical. Many would call it the influence of love, but I call it bullshit. From having thoughts about killing her to wanting to kill that Ethan guy in a fit of… jealousy?
Sighs.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway. It's just frustrating, I feel this way but can't explain why I do… It's like a short-fused person trying to control their anger when someone triggers them. That's the basic description of what was happening to me right now—the same feeling I had when I saw her corpse, the same overwhelming dread and rage… it was what compelled me to make that cursed deal in the first place. A deal with the devil. A deal I would never make on a normal day.
Now the same thing was happening right now. She was stronger than I. Like far, far stronger than me. But my fingers still itched. I wanted to do something… something violent… something horrible to her.
What is wrong with me?
"…I met her once," she said, and my eyes widened.
No.
Argh!
Don't do anything stupid.
Control yourself, damn it!
Sighs.
"Where?" I asked, my voice a bit shaky. Even Selena opened her eyes, then looked at Eloisa.
"…At the Carlien duchy," she said, and I started to feel even more uneasy.
A psycho like Eloisa finding Renay before I did?
Wait.
How does she even know her?!
"…You…" I didn't even know what to say. She couldn't be bluffing—after all, she knew her name! I never told anyone that name, and that's because I didn't even know it myself.
"Bro…" I looked at Silver. "You're sweating," he said and I just ignored him.
"El…?" Ariana now stopped eating completely, looking at us both intermittently.
"It's none of your business," my voice came out harsher than I intended, but I didn't care.
"What did you do, Isa?" I asked, as calmly as possible.
"….Ryan?" Selena wanted to say something, but I covered her mouth with my right hand. She didn't struggle, just looked deeply at me, then closed her eyes and rested on my chest.
[The merge has begun]
'Stop it.'
[I can't… you're doing it all on your own,]
Sighs.
I am trying my best to hold back, but it's these… feelings inside me… they're pushing, trying to take control.
No.
I am in control.
I shouldn't be swayed by emotions.
"I didn't do much…," she said. Now done with her meal, she then stood up, walked forward to where I was, her tray balanced in her hands.
"Isa?" Ariana spoke, but she ignored her. Getting close to me, she leaned in a bit to whisper, "She was the reason you left me, right?" she said.
"….," I kept silent.
"… Forget about her. She's in a better place," she said with a laugh, walking away.
No.
All these years.
Traveling around this fucking empire.
No.
THIS CANNOT FUCKING BE!
"You didn't," I said.
"…Oh, I did~" She laughed, and then… there was no 'then' as I didn't even understand what happened next myself.
I couldn't hold it back anymore.