Her words confused me to such an extent that I can't even explain why.
I wish I could have fallen asleep while they were talking. That would have made it easier for me to avoid thinking or doing anything. Now, I find myself worrying more about my own feelings. I feel fearful about the next time I try to sleep, rest, or even close my eyes. Those memories leave me with a sense of unease.
Janus's words, her voice, everything about her clouded my mind and judgment. I didn't understand what she meant in that greenhouse. She helped me back to Angels Cove, but I was only able to step in through the door before my wrist buzzed. Janus asked if I wanted her to come with me, but I was okay with going with Casper by myself.
I just said that because I wanted some time to myself to think, ponder, and whatnot.
I got nothing out of it, though. All I have are more questions and even more doubts about myself. I wish I dared to talk to Janus about that. But what am I trying to accomplish? I can barely tell her how I feel for her…
I already knew I was a coward. I don't see how Janus sees my "bravery" that she calls. I was weak in my emotions and even in my ability to control myself.
I felt lost in my own body. Unable to take control.
I was nothing like the nature Janus was fond of.
I was distracted by my own thoughts to notice Axel sneaking up on me. We were sparring one-on-one without any weapons.
Axel joked that he was gonna "take it easy" on me.
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back, smashing me into the ground before I had time to prepare myself. I rolled away, feeling the armor scrape into my skin, and dirt pushed against my body. I could hear Axel speaking, standing above me as I tried to grab my bearings.
"You are so lost today," he snickered, his voice growing bigger as he stalked forward. "You're making this too easy for me."
"It's not my fault!" I growled out, pulling myself up to stand with my defense on my side. Axel laughed, noting my fake act. He could see right through me, see the anger that was hidden behind my eyes, the emotions I couldn't control.
He was the kind of guy who would take advantage of any situation to come out on top, and I knew he had done it before. But to my surprise, he let out a sigh and lowered his arms. His eyes suddenly softened, as if he were genuinely concerned. "What's going on? You're much better at this than you seem."
"Nothing's going on," I lied, trying to pull away from myself as my feet pushed into the dirt. Axel gave me a weird expression, but I blocked it away and took a wielding strike right to his unguarded chest.
Axel caught me inches away from landing a hit. He twisted my arm, making me squirm, before flipping me on my back. I let out a grunt, hitting the dirt hard just as the angel released my hand. He stayed above me, hand on his hips, with green eyes watching my own.
I growled, trying to twist and roll my body away. But Axel held hard, pulling harsh so I could only tug back. I reached to grab my own arm, pulling away as best as I could until the stinging pain bellowed at me to stop.
I let out an exhausting breath, glaring up at him. "What's the deal? I'm not exactly learning if you keep me in place like this."
"What are you talking about?" He smirked, "This is a perfect opportunity to learn something. Learn how to get out of my hold."
He said that as he squeezed and pulled me harder. I clenched my teeth, trying desperately to twist and pull out of his hold, but he was much stronger. My mind raced, anger overtaking all my emotions, and I really didn't want to continue this anymore. Frustrated, I looked for another way out.
I could put my head into his, but that would be against the rules, and if Arden caught us, we would be in trouble. I could try to lower myself, slide under him, and flip him over me. But the stretching pain from his firm grip made it hard for my brain to think clearly.
"Stop overthinking. Focus on one thing at a time." His voice chimed in. I could only see darkness; my eyes closed tightly to calm my frantic breathing. My palms feel sweaty, and the pain grows into a dull ache that radiates up to my shoulders. It felt about ready to pop.
I stopped thinking, half of my arm going limp in his hold, so all I could focus on was my breathing. I took in deep breaths, my fingers tingling slightly at the low circulation that had been cut off.
However, I hadn't considered that. I was focused on myself—my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. If I wanted to escape this situation, I had to think clearly, not rashly. Acting impulsively had gotten me into this mess in the first place. So, I concentrated; all I did was focus on what needed to be done.
Even with my eyes closed, I could feel my surroundings and sense where Axel stood above me, holding me down. He used one arm to extend my grip on him while his other hand pressed firmly against my shoulder, preventing me from trying to pull away. His strength weighed heavily on me, almost crushing me into the dirt, with both of his feet on either side of me. His wings were large and imposing, casting a shadow over us while my own wings lay beneath me, useless.
No. Not useless. I could use them; Axel, for sure, wouldn't expect that from me. I could sweep them under his legs, get the upper hand when I was on top of him, and flip our positions-
The intense sting at the back of my skull caused me to shoot my eyes open. But instead of seeing Axel, I was staring up at an unfamiliar face crowded with darkness.
"STAY DOWN YOU BITCH!"
His voice trembled loudly at the end. He held a knife pressed tightly against my neck. I struggled, trying to push him away with my hands. As he brought his knees down, I felt myself being forced back into the dirt with a crunch.
"Agh!" I cried out, feeling tears well up in my eyes. It could be that or dirt built up aorund my body.
All I could think about was the dagger so closely pressed into my neck that I could feel my skin grow hot to the point of it boiling. It felt wet, something running down the base of my neck and onto my chest. He was cutting into me, slicing slowly from ear to ear. I struggled harder, pain bursting into my ears that drilled the bane of my nerves. I cried out, thrashing hard and hard each time the dagger was sunk farther and farther.
In the panic of my head swishing around back and forth, I had caught sight of Dawson. We were still in the little fort I had made to protect us, and the man was passed out with his back pressed into the bricks. I yelled for him, but I knew there was no use.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" His vile voice spat into my face as the knife trailed down to my chest, where he began to cut into my shirt, slicing at my skin, and my body ran cold.
I thought it was it, the light glowing brighter, his heavy breathing, His mouth open wide as the dagger sank deeper and further down towards my breast-
He was shot in the head, blood splattering all over my face. I yacked, thrusting him off of me and rushing a hand onto my neck. I turned to the ground, coughing up bile and vomit that was only water. Blood fell down my nose, dripping between my fingers where I held the deep cut on my neck.
"Vienna," another man came over to me. He was in the same uniform as I, placing his hand on my back as he took me in. His eyes grew wide, and he quickly looked up. "MISSY! Hurry!"
My vision blurred, and all I could see was my own blood dripping from my lips. My team must have located us; one of the trucks was here, and Missy was part of this team. They were the ones I had fled from to help Dawson. It must have been them who returned for us when I hadn't made it back to join them.
Missy was quickly replacing my hand with her own, pressing deep into it before the bandage came out to hurriedly wrap around it.
I had gained my bearings a bit, looking around for something. For someone.
I caught Dawson getting checked up on by the men; some of them were kicking the dead enemy and spitting insults at him. But none of that mattered; all that did was Dawson.
He was awake and, honestly, pretty coherent. He nodded to answer the other, allowing them to give him water and patch up his wounds while Missy was busy with me.
It was confusing for a second. Did he look like he had been up the whole time?
My throat grew dry, and I had to force myself not to throw up again and make the bleeding worse. I was losing it; there was no way he could have been awake the whole time and done nothing to help me.
But I saw him pass out against the bricks-
I was losing my grip on reality. The blood loss must have finally taken its toll. I tried to convince myself that my frantic mind was simply playing tricks on me. Yes, I was just imagining things. He had to be alert because he woke up when the enemy was shot. That noise was loud enough to jolt anyone awake... Right?
It had to be right. I know that even if Dawson had been awake that time and in horrible pain, he would have done anything to help me.
But even as I convinced myself over and over again. Dawson refused to make eye contact with me. I wished to speak, but Missy warned me not to make any noise because of the gash around my neck. So all I could do was plead with my eyes, plead for him to look at me.
Why won't you look at me?
He said nothing, and I felt my eyes swell, anger burning a hole in my chest.
Why won't you look at me!?
WHY-
I thrust my head up quickly, striking Axel in the face and forcing him to release me back onto the ground. I gasped for air, clutching my head, which felt like it had exploded from the inside, blood leaking from my ears. But that was just from my nose; another nosebleed pooled beneath me, dripping onto my trembling hands.
Axel groaned and shuffled around behind me. "You know we aren't supposed to do that. You could have gotten caught—" He suddenly stopped, and the shuffling ceased as well. But none of that registered in my mind; my fingers curled tightly into my hair as I tried to steady myself. "Vienna? Hey, are you okay?"
He came over to kneel beside me, a hand on my shoulder to slightly grab my attention. I lashed at him, swiping my hand at him and knocking him away. I regretted it, letting out a sharp cry before my head hit the floor.
"Vienna!?" Anxel pulled me from the ground, holding tightly onto my shoulders even while I withered and struggled for a grip to get out.
To get away, I wanted to run, to cry, to die.
"Phf-" I coughed, feeling myself foam at the mouth. My head lay in the angel's lap, his figure above me, with a substantial amount of concern stretched in his eyes.
"Vienna! Hey!" Axel continued to shake me, calling out my name in a desperate attempt to stabilize me.
I let out a few more pitiful coughs, feeling my throat swell and my vision blur. I continued to wander around in his hands, occasionally extending my wings to experience a sense of freedom. I felt trapped, stuffed into a small ball all alone.
Casper whined, nuzzling his nose into my cheek and giving minor licks. I felt it?
Hesitantly, I stopped moving. As I extended my hand toward the pit bull, I felt its head beneath my palm. I focused on its fur, enjoying the soft glide of my fingers as they passed through it, and the deep, soothing rumble of its purr resonated through my bones. Axel was still speaking, but his voice had grown quiet now that I had stopped trembling in his grasp.
I took a few deep breaths, my wings spread out on the ground and feeling heavy. My mind was foggy, and a dull ache throbbed at the back of my skull, radiating all the way to my teeth.
Though the pain was gone, it was so bad that I could feel the aching aftermath of it. It wanted to be known; it wanted me to see that it was still there. Ready to jump out and catch me off guard again.
When my eyes opened, I saw Axel right in front of me. He released an exhausted sigh, "Jeez. Are you okay now?"
I gulped, trying to regain my bearings. "Yeah. I'm fine..."
"Sure, don't look fine," he laughed awkwardly. I ignored him, lying still in his hold and evening out by breathing. "You want me to take you to Arden or into the shade?"
"No-" I replied quickly. "Just.. just give me a few."
"Alright.." That was all he said, shuffling his wings slightly until the sun was blocked out, and I felt more at ease.
I was still so angr. I don't know why, and that was just pissing me off even more. These memories were annoying, painful, and even more confusing the more I had them.
What was pissing me off more than anything, though, was that I had no control over it.
I had no control over my own mind.
Axel had taken the situation and ended our training there. He helped me limp over under the trees so I could rest my eyes and lean onto Casper, who hadn't left my side after the meltdown.
I kept my eyes shut, acting as if I were asleep, when the sound of heavy steps made its way over to us. Axel turned, stood quickly, and let out a stern, formal tone. "Chief."
Arden's accented voice responded, "What happened here, Axel?"
Axel responded slightly shakily: "It was Vienna. She suddenly collapsed in pain during our sparring session without any weapons." I noticed how he left out the 'hitting him in the head' part.
Arden let out a grunt. "How bad was it?"
"I-I can't explain it well. I've never felt pain like what she experienced or even what you have felt. It didn't seem good; her nose was bleeding heavily." He fidgeted with his wings. "I've never seen someone bleed so much, and that wasn't even from an injury—"
"Do not think too deep into it." Arden brushed it aside as her steps came closer.
Avel shifted, the metal of his armor scraping as he did so. "Chief. I know it's not my place to ask or even talk about it, but I'm generally worried for her." Silenced stretched out before he continued. "What is going on? It's something new for an angel to feel pain, let alone to have such outbursts that she had displayed."
Arden was silent; only the flutter of feathers sliding through the air was heard. That was until she let out a sigh, a quiet voice coming out. "I do not know the answer to it. But I wish I did."
I felt myself stiffen, but I hid it.
"You do care for her," Axel said softly, causing the atmosphere to shift into a slightly playful one.
Arden's voice was strong when she responded, "It would be weird if I did not. I know what pain feels like. It is hard not to sympathize with her."
I couldn't think clearly. It felt so surreal to hear those words come out of Arden's mouth and directed at me. She had always viewed me as an annoyance—untrained and stubborn. That had made her angry, so how could she now express such deep concern for me?
"Do you think the goddesses know about it?"
"I would not doubt it, Axel." Arden shifted, probably sitting back up. "I know the Gate Goddess knows; she is very close to Vienna. If she knows what's going on, it's in the best interest of all of us if she tells the other goddesses about it."
Axel babbled, "best.. best for us?" I could hear an audible gulp. "You don't think… You don't think she is a danger to us. Do you?"
There was no response at first. Arden remained quiet, allowing the question to sink in. I could feel my heart pick up, the bile feeling of vomit rise in my throat, thoughts circling me, attacking mercifulness…
The sound of armor moving, and Arden finally spoke. "It is best not to talk about this, Axel. Drop it."
"Yes, chief.."
Arden walked off, her heavy steps fading away, and my consciousness finally slipping away.
Well, at least I don't have to pretend to be asleep this time.