Morning found me lying in my new bed staring listlessly up at the stone ceiling above me. Not an inspiring view as it happens. The calming charm Dumbledore had cast on me the day before had faded by now since I was feeling depressed as all heck. It was like my dad dying all over again. Had I been home I would have been able to deal with it in several ways. But here I was cut off, utterly alone, with only my thoughts for company. And seeing as they were the problem, what with them being a vortex of depression spiraling ever downwards, I'd have to do something else. I knew I'd have to break that self-destructive circle if I wanted to get on with my life, I knew how to do that too. I'd just… been having some problems… getting started… for the last few hours…
But my back was starting to arch, I needed to pee and I was starting to get really hungry. All valid reasons to get up! Yay! Progress! I suppose that will have to do for motivation. Now, as my normal distractions were unavailable to me; I suppose then, that I have to find new ones to replace them, wouldn't I? And considering where I was, that would likely prove to be fairly easy. If anything could work as a distraction a magical castle should work adequately, or I'd be very disappointed.
I sat up and swung my legs out of bed. The shock of the cold stone floor on my feet was a momentary distraction and I decided that I quite like it, so I sat there for a few moments and basked in the cold sensation against the soles of my feet before I turned my mind towards what to do now.
So what did I want to do?
No, what did I need to do?
Long term? I needed access to the Room of Requirement. It was the single most potent piece of magic in this castle that I knew about. Its value as a place to train had no equal. And more importantly, the room also hid the Room of Hidden Things. I had no idea what it contained beyond a few items, but I did know that it housed a thousand years' worth of things that people wanted hidden! And what did people hide? Valuable things of course! (And embarrassing things) I doubted that all of it would actually be of use, but is the place was as big as was indicated, that the chances were favorable, I thought.
The second thing I needed was allies, of a sort. The number one, best-case scenario, was that I managed to bind a house-elf to myself. Their loyalty was without question once they dedicated themselves to someone. I wasn't sure of the exact nature of their relationship with Hogwarts. But if I was lucky I would have a very loyal confidant on my side, one that might be potentially very powerful. Bonus if it was able to move me around the castle.
Beyond that, the school would provide for the time being.
Now, how to get at it? No that was not quite right... It should be; how do I get what I want without getting more attention drawn to myself than I already had? I might be in the past where my meta-knowledge was of limited use, but that didn't mean I was safe. Voldemort was very much alive here even if he hadn't gotten around to start his little rampage just yet he likely already had most of his bad-boy band together. A band that comprised some of the most influential and rich assholes around right now. I didn't like those odds.
I momentarily thought about trying to get involved but quickly, and brutally, shut that line of thought down. I was not insane enough to get into that right now. Selfish, I know. But while my life might be at an all-new low point I was not eager to end it just yet. And telling Dumbledore what was to come was like painting a bulls-eye on my back, I did not trust that man's judgment! Anyone that thought it was cool to effectively serve up a kid to a monster to make said monster vulnerable was not one I would trust my safety to. And as Gibbs said; If you have a secret, the best thing is to keep it to yourself. The second-best is to tell one other person if you must.
There is no third best. I might do something later, once I had some magic under my belt. But it was something to revisit on a later date. Like when I had an exit strategy in place. Besides, the only relevant information I had at this point was the location of the Resurrection Stone. And I wanted that damn thing.
But that was the future, needed some plans for right now! FOCUS!
Okay… okay. KISS! Keep it simple stupid! Start small! My stomach complained loudly. Okay, food would be good. Food would also be a good excuse to go looking for the kitchen; the kitchen was where the house-elves were! Okay, but how do I get there without showing that I know how to get there? Ask someone would be easiest. Who should I ask? I didn't want to talk to Dumbledore again right now; I'd have to see him later anyway. Not the other teacher's ether. Not that I know which ones would be here at this point in time… McGonagall certainly, possibly Flitwick. I didn't want to talk to them either. Besides going for them might put me into contact with the students – I wanted to put that up for as long as I possibly could. I did not need teenage drama with magic mixed in right now, or ever!
At that point, I was forced to make a quick trip to the loo to relieve some pressure on my bladder before I got back to trying to plan out an acquisition of food and house-elf. It occurred to me that I had no business knowing that you could potentially bond house-elves to yourself. AGH! Why is this not easy!? I stomped over to the dresser and leaned on it, looking into the large round mirror that was positioned on top of it. I made quite the sight. My hair looked like I'd been struck by lightning and I had faint bruises all over my body from yesterday's little adventure.
I picked up my glasses, kindly resized by Dumbledore along with the rest of my clothes, and put them on, and had to suppress a wince as my field of view become even more distorted then it had been. Wrong fucking prescription. Of fucking course! I sighed and looked into the mirror again.
"I look like an ass."
"Oh, it's hardly that bad, honey!" A kind feminine voice responded unexpectedly.
I flinched back with a yelp. "AH! Fuck me!"
"Language young man!" The talking piece of furniture reprimanded snottily.
I took a moment to collect myself. "Talking mirrors. Of course!"
I chuckled to myself at the sheer insanity of the world I was currently in. I looked at my reflection again. I smiled, showing teeth. Then I frowned exaggeratedly. I made a few more faces before giving myself a flat look. Then something occurred to me. The paintings! I could talk to the paintings! I mean sure, they likely tattled on students to the faculty, but if I did it right then it would just look like some noob asking for directions. Perfectly innocent! I'd never seen moving talking paintings before. Of course I'd be interested!
Invigorated by my new plan I quickly got dressed in my resized clothes and shoes and then gave a careful listen at the door to assure myself that there was no one moving about outside, I could do without meeting any of the students. Satisfied that I didn't hear anything I carefully cracked the door open a bit and took a quick peek.
Empty.
Excellent!
I crept out and took another look around. Both walls in the corridor I was in were crowded with portraits and paintings in all sizes and shapes with a stunning array of motifs displayed and hung on the walls in a seemingly haphazard way. Like someone had played a giant game of Tetris and failed spectacularly at it. It just looked like they'd just thrown them up there!
"Note; Hogwarts' is in serious need of an interior decorator. End note."
I just stood there watching the paintings for a few minutes as they went about their business, sleeping, eating, chatting and visiting each other. I watched a character from one portrait move across several frames as he made his way to one that housed a beautiful woman reclining in what looked like some kind of boudoir was fascinating. I couldn't help but giggle as the couple retired to a bed in the background before pulling the curtains. Damn paintings were getting more action then I'd be liable for any time soon. I think I just hit a new low.
"Young man, shouldn't you be in class?" A cultured feminine voice asked lightly, jogging me from my thoughts.
I turned around and looked behind me. It didn't take me more than a moment to find the one talking as she was in the biggest frame there. She was a severe-looking lady in an unflattering brown dress with her hair done up in a bun so tight it probably doubled as a medieval version of a facelift. I think she might have been petty at one point, but now frown lines marred her face, making her seem grimmer then I think she might have if she smiled once in a while.
"Technically speaking I don't start until next semester," I answered her as I walked up to her portrait. "And you are?"
"Agnes Sampson." She introduced herself promptly. " If you are not a student, what is your purpose here, young man?"
"Pleasure, Miss Sampson. I'm Andrew, and my purpose is food. You don't happen to know the way to the kitchen?" I told her with a cheeky smile.
The got me a raised eyebrow from the stern-looking woman. "What need would have of going to the kitchen?"
"For the getting of the food?" I answered slowly in by best Buffy speak.
That got me an eye-roll. "As you are a guest at this castle, if you wish for food, you merely need to call for a house-elf."
Oh, opportunity. I had to suppress a smile and affect what I hoped was a confused look. "What's a house-elf?"
She gave me a searching look. "You are a muggleborn." She stated.
"So I've been told."
"Hm, unusual for one of your kind to be called her before you are supposed to." She commented leadingly.
"My circumstances are unique," I answered vaguely before trying to steer the conversation back to what was important. "Now, food, house-elf, some exposition would be nice."
She was quiet for a few moments, studying me, before speaking again. "You are a queer little child, young man."
I gave her my best irreverent smirk. "You have no idea."
That got me another eye-roll, I was on a roll today. Eh? Eh? "Another troublemaker, how disappointing."
"Oh, I wouldn't make any bets on that." I had no interest in rocking any boats until I felt safe. And I very much doubted that I'd achieve that any time soon. "Now, are you simply going to be overly disappointed in my general direction, or will you give me some answers. If not, then I'm sure someone else will."
"You don't lack for confidence, I will give you that. Perhaps Gryffindor is for you, young man." She commented ideally. "But to answer your questions. A house-elf is a type of magical being that has served the wizarding world since time immemorial. They do so by binding themselves to particular wizards and witches, or notable family lines. Their purpose is performing needed tasks that are beneath the dignity of their masters."
I nodded. "I see. And that can be any witch or wizard?"
"I suppose. It is generally only done by those that are rich and affluent."
I made a show of thinking about it. "What about the elves here at Hogwarts, are they all bound to this place, even the young?"
Agnes looked a bit startled at the question and had to stop and think for a moment. "Well, I'm not entirely sure, to be honest with you. The adults are tied to Hogwarts for sure. I'm not sure about the children."
"Hm, interesting..." I murmured and rubbed at my chin but stopped when I felt the lack of my beard. Damn, I really missed my beard. You can't rub at your chin properly without a beard, it's just not right! No! Focus! "Would I find these elves in the kitchens?"
Agnes gave me a sharp nod. "Of course."
"Cool, one more reason to head there then," I said with a pleased smile.
"You mean to bind one of the elves to yourself then?" Agnes questioned a bit snootily.
I smiled at her brightly. "Oh, you betcha! It seems really advantageous."
"The headmaster will not approve of this." She stated in return. I detected a note of disapproval in her demeanor. Not that I cared.
"Is it against the rules?" I asked with a smug smile.
Agnes's face twisted into a more severe frown the usual before she sighed. "Not as such, no."
"Then I don't see how it's any business of his."
She glared at me for a few moments before she slumped and uttered a tired little sigh before looking at me again. "You are a cheeky irreverent little brat, aren't you?"
I shrugged my shoulders and flashed her a genuine little smile. "I've been known to indulge on occasion."
Agnes sighed again. "You are incorrigible."
"I'd argue that everyone is – but I'm hungry, so if you could direct me to the kitchens I'd be grateful."
"Very well, you will find the kitchens down the stairs that are located just by the main entrance to this school, near the great hall. You will need to find a painting of a bowl of fruit and then tickle the pear in it. It will reveal the doorknob which will allow you entry." Agnes explained shortly.
I affected a shallow bow. "My thanks Madam Sampson."
"Humph! I'd ask you to say out of trouble, but I dare say it would be a futile request."
I chuckled. "I think I'll be too busy to get into trouble before long. Thanks for the directions; I'll be seeing you later." I said as I started off down the corridor.
"No need to hurry on my account." The painting commented dryly.
"Now who's cheeky?!" I yelled back.