Charlie picked up the dragonbone fossil from the ground. "This is mine now."
"No!"
Wade clutched his face, his white eye patches widening dramatically.
"Don't do this to me, please! For the love I have for you, give it back!!" he wailed, pounding his chest in theatrical despair.
Charlie's eye twitched. "This thing's not for… satisfying Tony's overactive urges. But I'm curious—even with the fossil's help, your speed shouldn't be that fast."
Wade struck a pose, hands on hips, and laughed skyward.
"Hahaha, Spider-Man, my friend, allow me to explain."
He sketched an abstract human outline on an imaginary chalkboard, then said, dead serious, "The dragonbone fossil's energy can boost physical movement, but the real key is the time force inside it. If you have the critical substance to harness that time force, you can wield it masterfully, unlocking even greater speed."
Charlie raised a hand. "So, what's the critical substance for harnessing the time force?"
"Great question, Charlie, my boy."
Wade clasped his hands behind his back. "To drive the time force, you need time itself—specifically, the user's time. In other words, it's the cost of aging.
Burn your own life force, and you amplify the time force. That's why I only need one fossil to hit super speed, not strap them to my legs like some chump."
Charlie nodded, realization dawning. "Sounds like what happened with Adrian, but his speed wasn't that extreme."
"Tch, tch, tch."
Wade wagged a finger in Charlie's face. "Borrowed life force and your own natural life force? Totally different beasts. Conversion efficiency's night and day.
Forget it, you probably won't get it. Let me demonstrate."
"No thanks, I'm good. I understand," Charlie said, stepping back. "I'm not ready for early retirement to the old folks' home."
He pocketed the fossil and continued, "This stops here. At least until Tony pays up, no more shenanigans."
"No way!"
Wade stomped his foot. "That jerk insulted my character, trampled my dignity, and mocked my handsome face. I have to get revenge."
"Little Merc, you don't have any of those things. Your revenge motive doesn't hold up."
"Who says?"
Wade yanked off his mask, pointing at his face excitedly. "Take a good look—am I not gorgeous?"
Charlie ripped a celebrity poster off Wade's face. "How about now?"
"Oh no!"
Wade covered his scarred face. "Please, don't hand me a mirror."
"Wasn't planning to."
Charlie patted his shoulder. "No worries, S.H.I.E.L.D. just got a new bombshell scientist. Word is…"
"She's a knockout?" Wade interrupted.
"Shut it, Merc!"
Charlie's face darkened. "Word is she's developed some nano-printing tech that could give you a chiseled new face. Tempted?"
Wade's eyes sparkled. "Tempted? I haven't even dated a hot scientist yet!"
Charlie: "…"
"Alright, I overthought this. See ya."
He shot a web and swung away, but Wade latched onto his leg.
"Take me with you!"
"I'm going home."
"Take me home!"
"No way, I refuse."
"Then I'll steal another dragonbone fossil."
"Fine, but keep your mouth shut."
"Don't worry, I'll talk less than you."
"Motherf— I said shut it."
…
Queens, Bleecker Street.
In the early hours, Charlie, now in civilian clothes, opened his front door.
"I'm back," he whispered.
Beside him, Wade, dressed in his interview suit, tilted his head.
"Why so quiet?" he asked.
"Don't wanna wake anyone."
"You could just not say anything."
"It's called ritual."
"Ooh, I like it."
Wade wandered into the living room, spotting a cute baby in a crib.
"Wow, what a adorable little tyke."
Wade crouched by the crib, playfully poking at the sleeping Baby Kingpin.
Feeling someone disturb him, Baby Kingpin groggily opened his eyes.
In an instant, the hideous face before him scared him into wetting himself.
"Wahh~"
What the hell is that thing?!
So ugly!!
Baby Kingpin shrieked, and Wade raised his hands.
"He wet his diaper! Who's changing it?"
"You, obviously."
Charlie listened closely, realizing Uncle Ben and Aunt May weren't home—probably working late.
Hell's Kitchen's boss life is busy.
"Alright, no one's home. You sleep on the couch," he said, pointing to the sofa.
"No problem."
Wade glanced at Charlie's room, curious. "You've got a spare room, so why's the crib in the living room?"
"That's my room."
"So… this baby doesn't get his own?"
"Nope, he's a little villain. Doesn't deserve one."
Baby Kingpin: "…"
He finally got it.
Why the crib was in the living room.
Charlie's room was Charlie's alone.
No one could take it.
Boo-hoo… what a touching family.
"The baby's crying," Wade exclaimed.
"Scare him with your baby."
Charlie headed to the bathroom to freshen up.
Wade grinned, slowly drawing his dual katanas.
"Don't cry, little guy, or my baby blades might snip your little buddy!"
The blade hovered over Baby Kingpin, who forced a strained smile.
Bad news: Spider-Man's back.
Worse news: Spider-Man's friend is a total jerk.
He was doomed to never escape the Parker family's clutches.
Seeing the baby smile, Wade beamed.
"It worked! He loves this game."
He poked Baby Kingpin with the blade's tip, and the baby's face darkened.
"Wow, he can change expressions! Amazing. You sure he's not an African baby?"
Wade kept toying with the innocent infant as Charlie, done washing up, headed to his room.
"Sleep here tonight. Tomorrow, I'm taking you to S.H.I.E.L.D."
"Cool. You seem tight with them. I wanna join the Avengers—can you pull some strings?"
Bang!!
The door slammed, smacking Wade's nose as he tried to follow, sending him stumbling to the floor.
Snore~
Wade hit the ground and instantly passed out. Baby Kingpin, peering from the crib, studied the ugly man, his eyes scheming.
He doesn't seem too bright. Maybe I can…
An evil grin spread across Baby Kingpin's face.
…
Morning came—or rather, another fine evening.
"Hey, you're up."
Charlie stepped out of his room to find Wade, apron on, emerging from the kitchen.
"Want eggs? I made you a double portion," Wade said with a grin.
Charlie glanced at the two yolks on the table, recalled Wade's antics, and lost his appetite.
"No thanks. You eat."
"Don't mind if I do."
Wade started licking the plate in a creepy way, hitting Charlie right in the feels.
"Ugh~"
Charlie, disgusted, moved to the other side and started mixing formula for Baby Kingpin.
"How's it going? Not starving, right?" he asked, eyeing the baby's chubby face.
"Hm, looks like you're fine. I'll make a bit less—gotta keep your weight in check. No need to thank me."
Baby Kingpin: "…"
He was about to protest this shameless rationing when the door clicked, and Uncle Ben and Aunt May finally came home.
"Ugh, I'm exhausted. Maybe we should disband them—so many people, I can't keep up," Ben groaned.
"It's fine. Read some books, you'll figure it out," May said.
"No team-leading skills, you work till you drop. This the one?" Charlie picked up a book from the table, his expression odd.
Seeing Charlie, Ben and May rushed forward, thrilled.
"Oh, little Charlie, you're finally back!" May hugged him tightly, eyes teary.
"Cousin, you're gonna make Ben jealous," Charlie teased.
Ben froze.
In the kitchen, Wade covered his mouth, eyes wide, incredulous.
"Cousin? Oh my gosh, what's this? A Parker family tradition?"
"Ghost!!"
Ben and May yelped instinctively at the sight of Wade.
Wade: "…"
Soon, everyone sat around the table, staring awkwardly.
"Uncle Ben, you guys look younger. I'm shook," Charlie said calmly.
Ben and May exchanged a glance.
"Sorry, Charlie. We wanted to give you time to adjust, but you were out on missions so long, we never got the chance to tell you the truth," Ben sighed.
May pinched Charlie's cheeks. "You've been gone so long, you've gotten thinner. You must've suffered so much!" she said, heartbroken.
Before Charlie could respond, Wade slid his face toward May's hands.
"What're you doing?" May blinked.
Wade batted his eyes. "I want a young auntie to pinch my cheeks too."
Ben gritted his teeth, silently heading to the kitchen for a knife.
"No, I'm kidding! I'm hilarious, right?"
Wade scurried back to his seat. "My turn to introduce myself. I'm Wade, from Gotham City. They call me Batman, Charlie's colleague and best bud."
"Batman?" Ben and May exchanged another glance.
Charlie rolled his eyes. "Ignore him. I've got a mission soon, so I'm heading out."
"Working this late?" May asked, reluctant to let him go.
Wade chimed in, deadpan, "Bats are nocturnal, so Batman works at night.
Oh, and spiders too."
May ignored Wade's chatter, pulling a wad of cash from her bag and stuffing it into Charlie's hands.
"Take this pocket money. Treat your colleagues to coffee—especially the pretty ones. Don't miss out."
Charlie: "…"
Looking at the cash, he couldn't help but marvel.
Aunt May's making bank and getting lavish.
From now on, Spider-Man's no longer a broke joke!
Then May seemed to remember something.
"Oh no, next month's mortgage."
She snatched the cash back, peeling off a single bill for Charlie.
"Kids don't need much. This'll do."
Charlie: "…"
As they stepped outside, Wade patted Charlie's shoulder, sensing his despair.
"No worries, I'll sell my body to support you. Trust me, we'll be rich."
"Thanks," Charlie muttered, exasperated.
"You're welcome."
Wade glanced next door, spotting a stunning girl heading out late. He stretched, perking up.
"Target acquired. Look, she's running toward us. When she asks for prices, let me handle it…"
Under Wade's excited gaze, Mary Jane breezed past him and threw herself into Charlie's arms.
Wade: "!!!!"
Charlie: "…"
Something's off with this chick.
The next second, he felt his chest dampen with tears.
"I know. I know everything."
Mary Jane's voice trembled. "In every world, Parker and Mary Jane are fated to be together.
But their endings suck. Spider-Man's always alone. Always.
You knew, didn't you? That's why you've been avoiding me—to dodge our tragedy, right?"
Her whispers made Charlie frown.
How does she know this?
Before he could ask, she continued, "I met another Spider-Man. He came to me. He was Peter Parker—and this world's Peter Parker is you, Charlie Parker.
Spider-Man. It's you. No mistake."
She looked up, tears streaming, thrilling Wade beside them.
"Get together, get together, get together—ow!"
Charlie's fist shut him up.
"When did you figure it out?" he asked Mary Jane.
"The day Spider-Man vanished."
Charlie's eyes narrowed.
The day of the Resurrection Match?
Only two Peter Parkers showed up in that match. Two others never appeared.
If they found Mary Jane, they could've found Gwen too.
So…
Spider-Man's life is still on its destined track.
Mary Jane, Gwen—who's next?
Charlie's brow furrowed.
He still hadn't escaped the web of fate.
Looking at Mary Jane now, he didn't know what to say.
When he didn't respond, she seemed to understand.
She stepped back, wiping her tears.
"I get it. So… go."
Her gaze hardened. "Until I can protect myself, I won't bother you. Don't worry.
Spider-Man, keep chasing your unfinished story. You deserve a better life, not one weighed down by regrets you can't fix.
And neither do I."
With that, she took a deep breath and walked away.
Watching her go, Charlie stayed silent.
Wade, in the corner, hugged the wall, sobbing.
*"Boo-hoo~ So touching! Spider-Man's so tragic, so tragic!!!
Why, why did I have to witness this doomed romance? My heart hurts!!"*
Charlie: "…"
"Let's go."
He yanked Wade off the ground.
"You're not sad?" Wade asked.
Charlie scoffed. "Spider-Man's practically unemployed. No time for romance."
Wade gasped. "Makes sense. You're my idol." He gave a thumbs-up.
Charlie glanced at Mary Jane's room, shaking his head slightly.
Does a chaos agent like me have to endure this soap opera crap?
He looked at Wade. "Can I borrow your fourth-wall-breaking power?"
Wade perked up. "What're you planning?"
"I'm gonna take out Stan Lee and Steve Ditko!"
"Oh no, you've got the wrong guy for that."