Not long after, Charlie stepped out of Agent Carter's office.
At the door, he paused.
"Seriously, does Tony have some kind of malfunction? Needing S.H.I.E.L.D.'s help for this kind of thing?"
Charlie palmed his forehead, mentally cursing.
He decided to head to Stark Tower himself.
Not for any grand reason—just pure curiosity.
And, well, maybe a chance to poke fun at Tony.
Yup, Tony's collection of embarrassing moments just got a new addition.
Sweet!
In the hallway, Charlie strolled along, daydreaming about his glorious future.
"Yes! Washed-up or not, I've got a guaranteed paycheck now, plus Tony's latest scandal.
This time, I'm buying two mansions—one for Uncle Ben and Aunt May, one for me. I'll hire five bodyguards, four maids, three assistants, two drivers, and a supermo—cough, got carried away."
Under the odd glances of passing agents, Charlie quickly composed himself.
He reached the flight plaza and casually slipped into a sleek, shuttle-shaped aircraft.
"To Stark Tower, thanks."
"Spider-Man?"
From the pilot's seat, Agent Hill turned, her face lighting up at the sight of Charlie.
"You remember me?"
Charlie: "…"
"Ahem, I'm touched to know you're my biggest fan."
Just then, Coulson squeezed into the aircraft, locking eyes with Charlie.
Charlie's eyes were big.
Coulson's eyes were… less big.
"Uh, Mr. Spider-Man, why aren't you swinging on webs?" Coulson asked, a touch awkward.
Charlie shrugged. "Spider-Man's gotta keep up with the times.
By the way, didn't you leave with Nick Fury?"
Coulson's awkwardness deepened.
"Uh, well… he hasn't found a new gig yet."
Charlie: "…"
"Alright, where are you two headed?" he asked.
"Off duty, heading home."
"Together?" Charlie cupped his face, eyes widening dramatically.
Could it be that Spider-Man wasn't Agent Hill's favorite guy?
"No!"
Agent Hill quickly clarified, "Phil's just hitching a ride."
"After last time's incident, my bonus got docked. I can't afford my own aircraft," Coulson admitted, hanging his head in shame.
"So this aircraft is yours?" Charlie eyed Agent Hill, catching a glimpse of a rich-lady vibe.
Agent Hill adjusted her hair, maintaining her polished image.
"Yes, Mr. Spider-Man. I'll drop you at Stark Tower first. Phil won't mind."
"I—"
Coulson barely got a word out before the aircraft whooshed into the night sky.
Coulson: "…"
He lowered his head again, grumbling internally.
*Commander, do you see this? You told me not to care too much about bonuses and pay, to fight for world peace instead.
But now, I'm telling you—you were wrong.
The world looks peaceful, but my back's bent.
Bent by the weight of society and money.
If I get one more retry, I'm fighting tooth and nail for every bonus I passed up.
No more hitching rides with colleagues!
No, scratch that—I'm never sharing an aircraft with Spider-Man again!*
"Hey, Agent Phil, can I call you that?"
"You look down. How about I sing you a song?"
"A friend taught me this one. It's pretty catchy."
"Actually, it's too cramped in here to perform—it's a dance track, gotta bounce to feel the vibe."
"Why're you still looking down? That's rude. Lift your head, look at me."
"My God, your back's bent too. Is it from exhaustion? Or lack of cash—sorry, didn't mean it like that. I used to be broke too, but no worries. If a guy works hard, he'll make bank eventually.
Look at me—I'm a senior agent now. How long did it take you to make senior agent?
Five years? Ten? Haha, took me just a few months. Oh, and a little secret—I'm about to buy a mansion. Don't! Tell! Anyone!"
Charlie's voice echoed through the night sky.
At the top of Stark Tower, Charlie leapt from the aircraft.
"Thanks, thanks to my fan for the lift!" he called, waving goodbye.
At the aircraft's window, Coulson waved stiffly.
Then he pulled out his phone.
"Hello, Manager Charlie? Yeah, it's me. I need a bank loan. I'm buying an aircraft… No, a mansion!"
Agent Hill: "…"
…
On the other side, Charlie crept up to a window, trying to peek into the pitch-black room.
Suddenly, the lights flicked on, revealing Tony, sporting two massive dark circles, staring blankly at Charlie.
"Whoa!!! Ghost!!!" Charlie yelped, nearly tumbling off the skyscraper.
"Spider-Man, you're here."
Tony waved, and JARVIS slowly raised the floor-to-ceiling window.
The moment Charlie swung into the room, Tony collapsed to his knees, sobbing.
"My friend, you're finally back. Please, save me. I'm done for. I'm dying. The world's out to get me, boohoo…"
Charlie: "???"
Staring at Tony, who was clinging to his leg and wailing, Charlie's mind was a sea of question marks.
"Uh, this… isn't your style, man," he said, frozen in place.
Just then, Pepper walked in with a mug of hot milk.
Seeing the scene, her eyes widened in shock, and the mug slipped from her hands.
"You two…"
Whoosh~
Charlie's web snatched the falling mug, and he took a sip.
"Tastes… off. Must be pricey, huh?" he asked Pepper.
Pepper's eye twitched. "That's because it's laced with sleeping pills."
"What?"
Charlie blinked, then quietly set the mug down.
"While I'm still awake, tell me what's going on."
Pepper shook her head and helped Tony up from the floor.
"It started a week ago—"
"Wait, I'm getting sleepy. Can you speed it up?" Charlie yawned.
"Speed? Faster?"
At those words, Tony let out a panicked shout.
"No, it's not like that! I'm fine, I'm not done!!"
"Tony, quiet."
Pepper zapped Tony with a taser, knocking him out, leaving Charlie to marvel at the drama.
Looking at Tony's haggard face, Pepper sighed.
"You're here, so Captain Carter must've filled you in."
Charlie plopped into a chair. "Yeah, Tony's got some weird problem."
"It's gone from weird to downright eerie."
Pepper's face was grim. "A week ago, we were sleeping—yes, sleeping. Tony wasn't doing well. He seemed… out of it."
"How many seconds?" Charlie asked.
Pepper held up two fingers. "Three."
Charlie nodded. "You're too kind to Tony's ego."
Pepper gave a bitter smile and continued, "Since that day, Tony's been obsessing over his health, but the second time was still… bad."
"How many seconds?"
"Three." Pepper held up one finger.
Charlie: "…"
"No need to drag S.H.I.E.L.D. into this. Maybe find him something more… thrilling—"
Seeing Pepper's sharp look, Charlie covered his mouth.
"Sorry, didn't say anything."
Must be that Red Skull thing leaving a shadow.
But Pepper's next words made Charlie realize something was seriously off.
"For the next few days, Tony stopped trying, but when he slept alone, he'd inexplicably start…"
Pepper hesitated, embarrassed. "You know, the kind of thing you'd expect from a teenager. Even without me, Tony would, every now and then… one second—no, three."
Charlie rubbed his chin. "Sounds bad. No doctor?"
"We saw one. Good thing it was a private doctor."
"Good thing?"
"Yeah, because even in front of the doctor, he'd… you know."
"I get it."
Charlie's mouth twitched. Poor Tony—he almost felt bad.
Almost. One mansion it is!
"Still, why call S.H.I.E.L.D.?" he asked.
Pepper's face turned serious.
She glanced at the ceiling. "JARVIS."
"Miss Potts, the files are ready."
A holographic projection bloomed, showing blurry figures.
Pepper explained, "It was so strange, I had JARVIS monitor Tony closely.
Sure enough, through footage of Tony's… episodes, I spotted something odd.
This guy's fast—too fast for high-def cameras to catch clearly unless slowed way down."
"Footage?" Charlie's eyes gleamed with mischief.
"I know you're not interested, so I won't show you," Pepper said.
Charlie, deadpan: "Please, don't let me see it. Thanks."
Pepper raised her hand, and the projection's figure sharpened frame by frame.
As the image cleared, Charlie's expression grew weirder.
Dual katanas, red suit, masked menace.
Deadpool!
What the hell?
The Resurrection Match was over—how was this guy here?
He glanced at Pepper, who clearly didn't recognize Wade.
Then he remembered: in the last retry, Wade hadn't shown up. Something about a busted time-travel gizmo.
So Tony wouldn't know him either.
Pepper waved, and a suited-up job applicant appeared in the hologram.
A man with a scarred face.
"His name's Wade Wilson. Two weeks ago, he applied for a job here. Tony's only pissed off this guy lately, and his build matches the figure in the footage," Pepper said.
Charlie frowned. "A job?"
"Yeah, Tony's been interviewing for the Avengers. Wilson got rejected."
"Reason?"
"Insubordination and… looking like that."
"He probably said worse, right?"
Pepper rubbed her forehead, exasperated.
"Yeah, you know Tony's mouth can stink."
Charlie glanced at the pitiful Tony, shaking his head.
Tony's mouth was bad, but Wade's was worse—limitless and shameless. Getting on his bad side? Good luck.
Don't mess with that guy.
Charlie silently mourned Tony for three seconds.
No, one.
What piqued his curiosity was how Wade had reduced Tony to this state.
As he pondered, Pepper checked the time and gasped.
"It's almost time."
"For what?"
"Tony's… episode."
At that, Charlie's spider-sense tingled, picking up something wrong.
Whoosh~
The wind outside stilled. A shadow flashed before his eyes, and Tony's body shuddered.
His pants were wet.
As the wind swept by, Pepper reacted.
"See? Like that."
Charlie: "…"
"Using super speed to… help Tony out. No wonder he looks half-dead," Charlie said, face stiff.
Pepper looked worried. "Yeah, it happens a dozen times a day.
I've tried locking Tony in an alloy vault, using infrared to stop this guy—nothing works.
That's why I called S.H.I.E.L.D. We're out of options."
Charlie's face darkened.
Damn it!
Boring!
Childish!
Gross!
Only Deadpool could pull off something this shameless.
Suddenly, a note was slipped into his hand.
Charlie opened it, thoughtful.
"Leave this to me. When Tony's better, remind him to pay me a hush fee."
With that, he dove out the window.
Watching Charlie vanish, Pepper sighed deeply.
In this new era, Spider-Man might be out of a job, but he's got a knack for private detective work.
Hopefully, he can handle this mess!
…
Soon, in Queens, at an apartment rooftop.
A red-clad figure with dual katanas was practicing a terrible dance.
"Oh, baby, bye-bye-bye~~"
Wade hummed, flailing about, pausing to think.
"Ugh, fudge, this move's too hard—I can't get it!!"
He clutched his head, wailing, "The movie's coming up, and if I don't nail this, what'll happen to my box office?!"
"No!! I gotta try, gotta fight, gotta keep the Avengers 4 box office legend alive!!"
Wade leapt up, striking Tony's snap pose.
"I'm Deadpool… No, wrong script. I should team up with Wolverine—nostalgia overload, box office gold.
Wait, no, Wolverine already got his Resurrection Match slot. So what's my opening?
Death goddess, help me out!
I'm tired. I wanna go home, flop on the couch, and watch R-rated flicks. I don't wanna be the star anymore—"
Zzzzt~
An arc of electricity flashed, and Charlie landed on the rooftop water tank.
Eyeing the unhinged Wade, he rubbed his brow.
"Little Merc, you won the Resurrection Match. You should be back in your world," he said.
Hearing Charlie, Wade spun around, like he'd seen a savior.
"Oh, Spidey, you're here! I missed you…"
In slow-motion, Wade ran, arms wide for a hug, humming a cheesy soundtrack—only to get a brutal kick to the groin from Charlie.
"Oof! That familiar sting…"
Wade collapsed, clutching himself, wailing.
Charlie crossed his arms. "You didn't answer my question."
Wade looked up, his white eye patches widening slightly.
He dropped the act, slinging an arm around Charlie's shoulder.
"Fine. I'm just a passing Deadpool. The real contestant Wade? He's hiding, scared his pretty face'll get smashed."
As he spoke, a dragonbone fossil slipped from his pocket.
Charlie: "…"
No wonder Tony's vibe was off—this guy's influence.