Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
That's five whole "heys", Folks.
You should be honored!
Lol.
I hope that this finds you well, as always.
You all deserve to be well, you know?
That is the LEAST of what you deserve!
The fact that you continue to come back and suffer these weird, wild words with me says and means a lot to me.
It really does.
Young Me would have loved you all that much more.
I must apologize for my absence as of late and my lack of posts.
I have been...
Occupied with the study of and pure immersion of my significant other, lol & lbvs.
I love her.
I do.
She soothes my anxiety and brings me peace just by existing.
It's sort of amazing and terrifying at the same time.
Healthy love.
I will be 37 years old in less than two months, and I have yet to experience this kind of feeling.
This...
This sort of love, attentiveness, and affection...
It is quite new and foreign to me.
I need it.
I've asked and manifested and prayed for it.
I am ready.
Maybe the pages of my next journal will be lined with her name, but in a more evolved, less emotionally desperate kinda way, lol.
Hmm.
I am looking forward to 2026.
It is going to be a good, healthy, lucrative, productive year.
I can feel it.
Let's see what life was like 13 years ago, shall we?
Enjoy.
-----
August 27th, 2013.
Journal #078.
-----
It's always good to see her face.
I bet the pages of this journal are getting tired of hearing about her...
I'm not.
I could never be...
So tired...
I just want to start my new job.
Am I crazy
For missing
Her whenever she leaves?
-----
Hmm.
-I can't recall what I was doing before the "new" job, and I am at a bit of a loss as to what the "new job" was, lbvs.
I can't even recall what I was doing for work back then, but I must not have been very happy with whatever it was, given that I was starting something new.
I know myself that much, lol.
-
"I'm nOt.
I CoUlD nEvEr bE..."
I was quite infatuated with her in those days, in so many ways.
It was real.
All of it.
All of what I felt.
All of what I gave.
Everything that she put me through.
I was in love with her for a very long time, and I loved her even up until as recently as early this year.
I've come to see and realize how insanely blinded I was by her beauty, her plight, the fleeting scraps of affection that she would toss my way.
All of it was just her using me to keep herself where she wanted to be.
It was an intricately crafted illusion of a dream, and I was thrust fully into it.
I am glad that I found my way out...
That I finally woke the hell up.
Love is not painful; it is healing.
Love is not controlling; it is compromising.
Love is not superiority; it is equality.
What I had with that woman was not love.
It was deep, stark, palpable infatuation.
It was the Knight in me looking to save her from all of the monsters of her own creating, and in the end, some of my own making...
It was meant to be what it was and what it became, because now I am who and what I am, with who I am with.
And you know what?
It and she is everything that I could have ever asked for.
She is everything for me that I was for the WRONG person.
Hmm.
You all have been with me through sooooooooooooo fucking much, lmao.
Shit, we are practically like cousins, or something!
I love you all...
SO much, and so truly.
Thank you for being here with me through all of this, and I will see you all back here soon enough for the next chapter, yeah?
Safe travels out there, Folks.
Wherever you are in this vast world of ours.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.