Hey, Folks!
How goes it?
Me?
I'm okay, I've been better, but I'm okay!
I had something akin to food poisoning yesterday, so I didn't get to post this entry for you all, but I hope it finds you all well, nonetheless.
This world of ours has been in a strange place, you know?
War.
Assassinations.
Natural disasters.
What more must we endure?
How much of that is self-imposed?
Hmm.
Who am I to question the motives of greater men?
Perception is one hell of a drug.
I am blessed and more than just grateful that you all perceive me as entertaining enough to warrant a return with each post lol.
I will leave you all to what you came for.
Enjoy.
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August 13th, 2013.
Journal #073.
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So...
Another step closer.
XXXXX...
Why is this all so scary?
Just lay with me.
One night, and the tension will fade away.
Until I miss her again...
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Hmm.
Short and sweet, yeah?
Maybe it was all so scary, so challenging, because it was never supposed to be in the first place?
I don't recall what the step was that we had taken, but it must have been something pretty big or important for it to warrant a journal entry, you know?
I wish I could remember what it was.
Then again, I am also sort of glad that I don't.
Lbvs.
I have been through so much with her between 2013 and now.... And I no longer talk to her these days.
That is a bit jarring, seeing how madly in love I was with her, and for how long.
Reading these old journals has really opened my eyes so much more to how one-sided our "relationship" was.
The power dynamic was steeply tilted in her favor, and you know what's worse?
I let it get that way.
I set that pace from nearly the very beginning, and she saw that quite early and took advantage of it.
Hmm.
Life, right?
Looking back, I wish she had just told me to fuck off, you know?
I know that sounds harsh, but maybe it would have taken no less than that to get me to fall out of the love that I was in.
Maybe had she made me hate her, I would have lived an entirely different life...
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe I should have listened to myself and stuck to the friend zone.
In hindsight, I believe that I did plant myself there eventually.
She yanked me out of it...
I think she enjoyed the feelings that I poured into her, regardless of the fact that she knew she would never be able to reciprocate them.
I wish I had listened to myself.
A part of me does.
The other part?
Look in the mirror.
You.
My loyal and loving Readers.
You are a side effect of all of the negative, painful, lonely things that I have endured in the past 11 years.
Eight years of battling and surviving in that "relationship" and another nearly three years of mental and emotional detaching and healing.
What a road it has been.
A part of me wonders what it would have been like to spend my mid-20s and early 30s pouring love, attention, and affection into the RIGHT person...
Hmm.
Enough of that lol.
Thank you all for your time and energy, you know?
You all have been around consistently, and for that, you are forever appreciated.
I'm sure I will see you all back here soon enough for the next entry.
Our para-social relationship demands as much!
LMAO.
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.