Come to think of it, although we were considered soldiers and all... We were never given any weapons to defend ourselves. I suppose we're not allowed to carry guns, or they expected us to fend off Amalgamates on our own with the training that they gave us?
Well, what do I know, maybe the ADF has a secret stash of guns that we can use when we really need it.
Ootaea and the others sat down by a fence, eating peacefully whilst exchanging conversations and telling jokes. It was nice to see this, they looked happy, it was a rare sight.
But then again, it made me feel lonely.
In a way, I knew I couldn't just change and be friends with them like that, because I'm not like them at all.
I'm not a soldier. I don't belong here, and yet, here I am.
I smiled to myself, with a smile that reached my eyes as I stared away from the bunch. Walking away felt like the right decision, but at the same time, it felt as if I were betraying my entire being from just a moment ago.
What's with this damned disparity in my thoughts...?
Oh, I know... It's me, isn't it? It's me and my constant self-doubt and self-loathing. I'm a fucking hypocrite, aren't I?
What do you want from me, huh? I'm not supposed to feel happy, am I?
I felt my hands reach up to my hair and my fingers clench it tight.
I was just so infuriated with this constant gap in my thought process. I couldn't get my thoughts straight, I couldn't understand what it was that I wanted. I was constantly at war with myself, I couldn't decide where to go mentally.
Then I felt someone grab my arm. "Hey, Doffy...? What are you looking so... constipated about?"
Ootaea.
I turned to face her, the smile fading away into a distant memory as I saw her face.
She was staring at me with genuine concern in her eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed together in worry as she looked at me.
"What's wrong, Greenhorn? Are you feeling any pain? You look... pretty pale." She said, touching her hand on the hand that was clenching my own hair. Her touch felt warm, it was comforting, but why doesn't it feel right...?
I sighed in an attempt to dispel my inner thoughts. "I'm fine. Just... Just, overwhelmed, you know? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this, let alone with a bunch of people who seemingly support me unconditionally."
But, to be frank, a part of me wanted to kick down the ladder that we were all climbing on.
"Has... Life been that hard for you, Dofro?" Her voice was soft and caring, she really seemed to care about me. But why? We didn't even know each other for that long.
And, for once, she called me by my name.
"I... Wouldn't say so. I'm just a weak-willed man who can't cope with his own feelings." I said, letting go of my hair and smiling at her, I felt tears well up in my eyes but I refused to let them fall.
"Oh..." Was all she could say, her hand slowly left my grip, and her gaze moved away from mine. "I... Don't think I intended to ever tell this to anybody, but I think you should hear this from me. I think you deserve it, after all, you deserve to know." Sniffles were audible in her speech, it was as if she was starting to cry.
I tilted my head to the side in curiosity, as my smile faded away and my expression became serious. "Know... What?"
"I... Was an orphan, just like you... Nobody to call family..." She sniffled and wiped her tears with her hand, "And within the orphanage, I had no friends, either. I was... Alone. All alone in a dark, cold room, with nothing but the walls to keep me company." She paused and sniffled again, then continued, "I... Was bullied, and I was abused. I was tortured, and yet... I was told that if any of the other orphans found out about what happened to me, that they'd end up just like me. I was scared, so I had to give myself a personality that catered to everybody. A bright, bubbly personality that made everybody happy... Even when I couldn't be happy." She began to break down as he clutched my arm with both her hands now.
I could feel the warmth emanate from the tears that landed on my arms as she cried, but I didn't know how to comfort her... I didn't know what to say.
"But... Dofro... W-when I saw you... It felt like you understood me... You understood the pain, the loneliness, the sadness... Just from a glance away... I felt that you could understand me." Her voice became weaker, as if she was running out of breath.
We were far away from the others, so nobody noticed our absence, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched, I glanced behind me to check, but there was nobody there.
"When I heard about your wife's death... I-I was shocked... But also, happy, in a way, I know that's terrible to say, I know. B-but I just knew, if anyone could understand me, it's you." She was shaking now, Ootaea could fall to her knees at any given moment. "I just didn't know how to attach myself to anybody... I didn't have a real personality. So when I saw you, I thought I could change that, I thought that I could be like you... I didn't have the right to call you my friend, I still don't. I just..."
Then, without warning, she hugged me.
It felt... Strange, I had never been hugged like this before, the closest I got was a hug from Alice. But that was different, I wasn't hugging her. She was the one hugging me.
The feeling was akin to what I felt when I was with Alice, it felt warm and comfortable, like I belonged in her arms.
I couldn't help but wrap my arms around her and embrace her, I didn't know what to do, but I knew that this was the right choice.
Maybe, in Ootaea I can find a way to get back up, and finally, live again. I can finally stop acting like a shell of a human and be who I was meant to be, because if it's not her, who else?
I can't be alone anymore, I can do this.
"Ootaea, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything that you had to go through, and how I treated you. I'm sorry for calling you annoying, I'm sorry for not understanding how you felt. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you." My words felt insincere. They felt like minced words that had no meaning behind them. Yet, deep down, I knew that I meant every single word of it.
"No... No, Dofro, you don't need to apologize. I'm sorry for being a burden, I just... I wanted to get this off my chest, I guess. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, but I couldn't, and now I have, and now you're the only one who knows. I'm just sorry." She buried her face into my chest before fully breaking down.
In the end, we both knelt down, I held her in my arms until her cries subsided. She eventually calmed down and, as if a miracle occurred, her tears stopped and her sniffles ceased.
"Are... Are you alright?" I asked, letting go of her.
She looked at me and gave a smile that was more genuine than any other I'd ever seen. "Yup! Thank you, Greenhorn!" And she immediately reverted to the usual attitude of hers.
It felt like a dream, did that really happen? Did she really just spill all of that information right to my face and then suddenly revert back to her normal self? It felt... Incongruent, it felt like she just bottled up that side of herself that she showed to me.
"I... Guess I'll just ask later on about this, then..." I said, standing back up.
"Yeah, let's do that, Doffy-O-Doffy! I'll see ya with the others!" She said as she waved back at me whilst running towards the group. "Ah! And one last thing..." She stopped for a moment, then looked at me. "Don't forget to smile! Smileeeeee!" She turned around while tugging at the corner of her mouth with her fingers, mimicking a smile.
I returned the favor by doing the same, and then she started skipping away, back towards the rest of the soldiers.
I looked back at where we were just standing, realizing I had unknowingly ventured closer to the Blue Void.
Is that where I felt that stare...?
God, I should really stay away from that damned thing...
I turned back and walked towards the group, sitting next to Ootaea, who was eating a sandwich happily, with the other soldiers conversing around her about "the good times" they had in the past.
It seems as if these guys have had quite a long history together. A history that I was not a part of. I don't belong here, I know that much, but I don't have a choice. It's either I stay here, or I die.
That's right, from today on, I'll be a changed man. I know it now.
I'll be more positive and outgoing, more approachable, more friendly, and most importantly, happier.
I'm going to make the best of this, I'll make sure to cherish these moments with my comrades and I'll make sure to never forget, and make them never forget!
I ventured forwards, with a new conviction alongside the vengeance for Alice's death, a conviction that allows me to live again.
A conviction that allows me to live happily.
And I will make it happen, no matter what!
I sat down beside Ootaea, who was munching away at her sandwich still, miraculously. "Hey, Ootaea... You got some extra sandwiches?" I asked her, she turned to me, with a slightly shocked expression. "Yeah, sure! Take this. It's a ham-mayo-tomato-eggy sandwich! I made it myself, you should be honored to even eat food made by the great Ootaea herself!" She extended the sandwich towards me, which honestly smelled really good.
"Thanks." I smiled at her, and began to chow down. I could feel the stares of the other soldiers on me as they ate, and I could feel the tension in the air, but I shrugged it off and continued to eat. I needed to keep my energy up, and this sandwich was helping me do just that.
"So, Dofro, how did you and Ootaea meet?" Leurnim asked. Thankfully, he managed to dispel that odd tension that rose for whatever reason.
"Ooh! Ooh! Let me tell you the story!" Ootaea interrupted before I could even speak.
"Go ahead." I replied, not really minding if she told him.
"So, I was at a cafe one day... Just minding my business, you know, eating and drinking coffee! But suddenly, there's this guy that comes in, and he's a total stranger! He comes over and says he's a soldier and needs my power to fulfill his dark and mysterious purpose, then he says he wants me to join him in his mission to eradicate this world of all the house-pests that have been spreading around! So I agreed and we went on a year long quest! We were doing a buncha cool stuff like invading houses and replacing their food with poison, and also killing them with our awesome dark-god powers!"
"STOP!" I shouted as I finished my last bite, "First of all, none of that happened. Second of all, we didn't meet at a bar. Third of all, you're not a dark lord. And fourth of all, we met at the track during ADF endurance training! What she said was complete bull."
"Ah, but Greenhorn! Don't you think my story was cool?! Imagine... Me, you, the rest of us... We're breaking into houses at night... Replacing their half-empty bug spray with premium ADF brand bug poison, and then we watch as they all start a cult surrounding us for our amazing work... Mmm... How cool would that be?"
"Ohh! That would be cool, actually!" One of the rookies replied in awe.
"Dude... we'd be like total urban legends!" Another one replied, their faces were full of excitement and wonder.
"The internet would go crazy about us, heh. We'd be all over the world!" Another rookie said.
Are these people really that easy to impress? Well, whatever, at least they're not fighting each other over something stupid, so I guess I'll go along with it. "What if, instead of being the good guys, we'd be the bad guys? We replace their bug spray with fart gas, and we watch as they're in agony when the house becomes an absolute stinkhouse. That'd be awesome." I said without much thought. However, it looks as if... Uh... They didn't take it so well.
Instead of agreeing with me and applauding me for my great imagination, they all started laughing and jeering at me. Even Ootaea joined in with them, as they were even slapping their damn knees!
God damn it, this was a trap! A humiliation ritual in disguise of discussing a hypothetical scenario!
"That was... So bad, Dofro... You should've been a comedian instead! I'd have come to your performances all the time!" Leurnim said in between laughs.
"Wow, you really have a way with words, Doffy-O-Doffy!" Ootaea commented, whilst also laughing.
"Doffy-O-Doffy, the great jester of the ADF!" One of the rookies said in between laughter.
The others laughed too, it was terrible... God... I almost regret trying to get along with these people...
...
After a while, things calmed. And hopefully they'd forgotten my pathetic attempt at being funny. I vow to never try anything funny for as long as I live.
"Alright, everybody good to go? The convoy is ready to take off, we have to get moving, Sir Ladec, and the rest of the people there, they're waiting for us." Leurnim commanded as he stood up, he looked at everyone who was standing behind him, and nodded his head. "Alright, let's go."
Which marks the beginning of a likely long-and-grueling session of walking along a truck for twice the journey that took us to get here. But, this time, we'll have a lot of supplies to bring back, and also the presence of the convoy will make us more susceptible to bandit attacks, most likely.
As we walked, nobody said a word. It was a complete juxtaposition to the friendly atmosphere that we had prior.
But I suppose that's only natural for a mission. It was truly time to get started.
As the path continued to stretch on and on, I felt a gaze on the nape of my neck once again.