*
"... Those guys from your class... They said things because they wanted to. It has nothing to do with us, so get out of here before you cause a scene." (Lucas)
"... He already caused a scene. Didn't think I'd see his ugly mug first thing this year! " (Furkar)
I picked myself up and when I eventually stood up, they were gone. The hallway was sparse, in all that chaos most students have already left the school building. I followed my gut for once, got dragged by my own passion. This was the result. I made myself look more pitiful in front of even more people. Now not only my class, but also those of other classes knew about me. I reached my classroom, an empty dark room. A lone paper sat on my table, it was our end of year results.
Graded 90%. A remarkable improvement for last year's end of year test. I could show this to my parents, but underneath the first page, it had been so badly vandalised that the questions weren't legible. I could tell before I even flipped, there were oddly wet spots all over. The water made my answers smudge, unreadable. There were plenty of cuts and scratches underneath, like someone playing with the scissors and hole puncher. No matter how you look at it, it's unsalvageable.
***
"Don't worry about it, as long as you did your best, it's all that matters!" (Dad)
"Dear, maybe we shouldn't spoil him too much... Didn't we see how old Lor's kid next door scored? It wasn't very high, but still..." (Mum)
"Dear!?... Alright Micia, please take our guest and play in your room. We'll get dinner ready in the mean time." (Dad)
Obediently, I recovered my various papers ranging around 50-60%. I hadn't put in much effort, but I was 5. I hadn't seen the need to. Everyday was so much fun with my friends, playing various games other than tag. I took Felix to my room, a classmate who kindly played with me every now and then. He's not the only one, ever so often another person would try to get close to me. They always left after a while, I could only conceive that someone was making them do this. Yet again, I was 5. I only noticed because a trusted friend told me much later, after we graduated from the kindergarten.
"Don't listen to what they said! It's normal that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses!
Look on the bright side, at least you haven't failed anything! That's already better than some people in the class!" (Felix)
But they excelled at other subjects, scoring very high, competing. They have that fire of passion I don't seem to possess. That's my problem, that's the ailment my parents see in me and are so terrified by. I can only move on.
***
I must say, I wanted so badly to prove myself to others, that I can do it if I try. Yet I achieved unremarkable success to varying degrees. Mostly 60-70%, this was the first, a leap above the rest. My only treasure to prove them all wrong, defiled. Why? Why couldn't I do anything right? Why couldn't I satisfy anyone?
I can't feel the crushing weight of expectations, that's how I got into this predicament in the first place. I can't feel anything, I feel nothing. I feel empty! I feel something missing! Like a void in my chest. where is my heart supposed to sit!? I clutched both hands to my chest, like claws digging the centre for what is not there. I don't feel good, I hate it!
My legs bent, I hunched over with my hands in places, reaching closer to the floor with my entire body. Knocking the table with my head, I could feel the water they used to damage the paper drip onto my head. Drip, drip, the droplets cry. For some reason, they manage to hit the floor below me, they coat my cheeks with warmth and never seemed to stop. I could feel it spilling over my lower lids, making my skin a little sticky with discomfort. Like glue, like the mistake I could never handle since the start. I followed my heart, it lead to more pain. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
There is no correct path, no path I could take without any pain. Then... I choose to be alone. If I can't handle the lack or presence of expectations, then it's best to abandon connections all together. This is the only way I can avoid the pain.
The next day, it was oddly quiet. I went to school, attended lessons, had break. I hid during playtime, had more lessons, and then I went home. This continued until the end of the year, my final moments in kindergarten were to arrive soon. I spent a quiet year, my parents quickly realised how much more withdrawn I became. But I wouldn't quell their concerns. Let them worry. I can't let them know most importantly of all, how pathetic I was. I got good results, the results they wanted to see, it shut them up. It made me feel satisfied.
It wasn't hard. Compared to putting absolutely no time into studying, even a little effort would bear results. This was the outcome after steadily increasing increments of time, adding a little to each subject, distributing my work across days. I wouldn't do everything at once, I was still lazy at my core, sometimes I would skip out and destroy my own schedule with stagnation. There were many bumps and hurdles, but this was the end result. It turned out that if you kept going even after a test or two, your knowledge does not vanish. It builds up, it increases your chances for next time.
80s and 90s across the board. No one could compare now, I could go on to a higher ranking class in elementary and naturally get far away from this class. Today was the day to see where we would go. On the walk to school, my legs felt the familiar toll of commuting. I stopped on a nearby wall, and that was when... By coincidence, I heard someone watching a show.
A child younger than I am, it was easy to identify the show. The daily morning magical girl series, it always took place while I was on the way to school. As well as me being a guy... You understand the point. I didn't interact much with others, but it was easy to see the trends when people shouted out their favourite things in class. Guys like some full body suited rangers or masked warriors that engage in arm combat. Girls liked magical girls, their faces were exposed as opposed to what the guys like. Their dresses were superficially decorated to the maximum to sell their elegance.
Ostentatious, yes? Younger me couldn't have described it that aptly. He simply scoffed with a little disdain, believing that using that time to study was far more useful for whoever was watching that show.