I can feel my heartbeat accelerate when I see you walking in the rain. What is happening to me? You're wearing a white shirt with blue stripes again, the one with a little coffee stain towards the leftmost corner. I see you laughing and talking with your friends as you walk down towards the building. The moment feels so serene and peaceful, I forget that you're someone else's boyfriend for now.
And then I see your girlfriend strutting towards you, and you stop in your tracks, and your face lights up when you see her. You hug her as your friends make teasing noises. And you start walking towards the building again with all your friends, except her hand in yours this time. And I start walking towards my class, thinking, "That could have been me if I weren't a coward."
Yesterday, I had a dream, we were both taking a long stroll along the cherry blossoms in Japan hand in hand. And you could not imagine my disappointment and sadness once my mother woke me up this morning. And that's when I realised, maybe I should start trying to forget you. I don't think I can take more of these dreams. Every day before going to bed, my parents wish me, "Sleep tight, Ria, Sweet Dreams". I once hoped to be the sun that brightens up your life. But since you already found one, I can't bear to have these sweet dreams anymore. I don't want to feel afraid to fall asleep any more.
A classmate of mine approached me today and asked me, "Ria, are you okay? You're looking a bit sad these days." It took me 5 minutes to convince her that I was fine and that it was just the weather. But why is it so hard to convince myself that I'm fine and nothing is wrong? How do I reassure myself that a failed crush is not a big deal?
I don't love him. I've known him for too little time for it to be love. I just thought I liked him, I wasn't even completely sure until Valentine's Day, when he came into the class with one of his arms on Evelyn, the most popular girl from the History Department, and announced, "Meet my girlfriend people!" as he turned sideways to kiss her on the cheek. That's when I felt my heart drop, as someone threw it from a skyscraper. And I remember thinking, "Oh shit, I like him. This is bad news."
And it's been 3 months since then. And I find myself sitting in our university library at noon, typing in the search engine, "How to get over a crush?" Gosh, I hope to get some good suggestions.